Bipolar check-in #47

Maybe you will feel better after a decent sleep. Sending you strength.

feeling a little irritated

thought I made a new friend yesterday (we were talking quite a bit), but then I later found out that actually he was their for dating purposes and when
I didn't give him the answers he wanted he stopped talking to me.

somewhere else, not here

Yeah, I will probably report him anonymously. I don't want to get any flak from him.

I don't know what's so hard about smoking pot or cigs outside to prevent the alarm from going off. He lives on the ground floor, so he could easily go out on his patio and smoke whatever he wants. He obviously isn't afraid of getting caught since he is doing it inside where everyone can smell it, so I don't understand why he cannot just do it on his patio. Ughh.

The firemen were here for like 20 mins, which is a long time when you're groggy as hell and just want to sleep. I ended up sitting in my car and temporarily passing out. Other people copied me and did the same thing. Then when the firemen hit the horn, it woke me up (which is a good thing because I probably would have slept in my car until the morning!!).

The exact reason I have been acting and feeling this way since the middle of March is because I am deeply attracted to my therapist. It started when I started my shots and my hormones got out of whack. Then the video sessions started. But then I just got really attracted to her. I had thoughts before but nothing like this. Now all I can think about is her. But it has been affecting me so badly these past few weeks. It’s affecting my moods, and my depression and anxiety. I get into funks after my sessions and I get SI. Honestly everything I’ve been feeling since March I can trace back to my feelings about her. I’m thinking of telling her on Tuesday because I feel like it will lift this huge weight I’ve been carrying for 3 months.

Holy ****ing **** she just emailed me to check up on me... to ask how I am doing... after she said not to email her. Wtf. It’s almost as if she’s lurking on PC and knows who I am on here.

People are lazy.

MD, I am so sorry you are dealing with this difficult stuff. Given all these swirling emotions and hormones and stuff, I guess I am just sorta wondering about maybe another therapist or something. It might prove to be a bit much for you to work through all this stuff and still benefit from therapy with her, ya know?

Just a thought. It might be the best thing gor you remotional health, maybe. Sending you love. PM me any time if you are ever watnnt someone to talk to. I am always here for you. I am also around all day today.

That is very unlikely, I would say... It certainly does sound like she is very caring.

Welp, slept much better last night and feel pretty good so far. Was able to get a few groceries, which is nice. The end of the fiscal month can be a challenge for me.

Hopefully, I can maybe accomplish something small today. Anything would be nice. I hvae kind of just been existing. With my mood and energy and overall well-being all over the map, it has been just very unpredictable. Impossible to plan anything or know how I am going to feel from one moment to the next. See pdoc in not too long a time, so, maybe he will change something.I am obviously somewhat concerned about this, as I had a dream last night that I had that pdoc meeting and he did nothing and I was very sad about that.

The one thing I have been able to do is continue in my marathon of watching thrillers. I am ususally a reader, but watching all these movies has been very interesting for me. Just finished a series directed by one of my favorite directors, Jonathan Demme (Silence of the Lambs, God rest his soul. It was called The Killing. Really good. Now, diving into a pretty good one with Kevin Bacon called The Following. One thing about film is that pacing, the speed at which the story moves, is maybe more impoartant than it is in a novel, which, rather than taking two hours to watch, takes days, often, to read. So, I have learned a bit more about how to sort of strike while the iron is hot, pacing-wise. I sometimes havee a tendency to provide too much detail, when speed is what is really required. Speed to the punch line.

Anyway, writing stuff. Sorry. Sending strength and love and hope to everyone struggling and everyone not struggling. I hope you all have great days!!!!

I second this. Another therapist and probably a male would be a good idea.

Well, I feel like total f***ing s***. I have done nothing positive today. I just hate my life.

I wish I could just sleep these feelings away, but I know it's not a good idea to oversleep while depressed. I know that's just asking for trouble... and lots of it.

I'm going to try to watch some TV shows that I own... since apparently I bought 13 TV shows and 19 movies during my latest hypomanic episode, and I'm not even exaggerating. I counted them all. They're used, too, so I cannot return. I can try to sell them back though. But hey, I might as well enjoy them if I'm going to sell them back anyways. Might as well get something useful out of them.

Sounds like an excellent plan. Wish I had some movies and/or TV shows to watch. I'm watching a 1959 science fiction movie. It's pretty bad. Sort of funny tho. They have rockets that can go to Mars but their computers are huge and take reels. Oh, they have a typewriter for the female member to use!

In 2015, I was in the hospital having my previous diagnosis of depression (for 25+ years!) changed by a group of doctors. I was my wife's manager at our company. I was later summarily removed from my position due to my episode (it was given for other reasons, but I think we all know that bullsh!t story). Anyway, at the time, my employee (later my friend and then my wife) remembers me talking about a diagnosis of bipolar 1. When I was released, I was given discharge paperwork. I put it into a black filing cabinet as one does. Somewhere over the last five years, I have to have lost it. I don't know what I did. I feel stupid to have lost that important paperwork. Believe it or not, I can't even find my paperwork from March, but my wife assures me that she knows exactly where it is and will show me today as long as I don't move it without telling her first. So now... we wonder if my diagnosis is BP1 and I got confused at the hospital, and that would fit more of my sparse but more explosive mania. Buying cars and then breaking down in a dealership until they honor the return policy. Buying canoes and truck hitches. Buying five kindles in a row because I scratch the screens, and need them to be perfect. Buying a large TV out of my retirement without consulting with anyone because the previous large one broke and I couldn't not live like a king and watch on a smaller tv. Or my agitation, always the agitation. Feeling white-hot anger. Having control over it, but feeling it, like a hot poker. Needing PRNs to bring myself back from the heat and the anxiety.

Today I printed out a request for medical records from that 2015 hospitalization, and will start to get some information. I really think that diagnosis was correct and that my lack of ability to hold onto important information is what has failed me. My pdoc also has though. She listened to my history, and somehow determined that I have hypomania. My wife and I just don't see that as a possibility. I don't know, but at least I feel like I'm taking action. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Which movie is that? I don't mind TV shows or movies from the 30s up through now. (But damn... it's 2020 now and this stuff is almost 100 years old. That's crazy!)

There were lots of corny movies back then. I laughed so damn hard when I saw "Psycho" about 10 years ago, and I believe that came out in 1960. The famous shower scene made me laugh because it was so cheesy.

If we're talking recent movies, I thought The Last Exorcism (released in 2010) was hilarious because it was so bad. The possessed girl starts doing a crab walk with her head on backwards and then she starts jumping and hopping on things like a monkey. She's perched on top of the cabinets (much like a monkey would) and making screams that of course sound like a chimpanzee laughing. But the thing is, she ISN'T an animal and she ISN'T supposed to be one. The movie is just so bad. Here is the Wikipedia page. It has an image of the girl looking like a weird monkey, too: The Last Exorcism - Wikipedia

Haha, yes cheesy movies are hilarious. This one was called "The Angry Red Planet " it was a cheaply made movie but the parts that stuck out to me weren't meant to be funny. Here it is 60 years later and we still can't build a rocket to Mars much less one that can return. The Juxtaposition of a sleek rocket with an old reel to reel computer is funny. And those big boxy cars!

I am confused, which is not all that uncommon. So, you think you have had some bipolar 1 stuff, spending, raging, irritatble/agitated, but you and your wife do not consider hypomania to be an option?

Don't worry friend! I'm really confused too, which is why I'm finally hunting for answers.

I think I missed a sentence or two in there, which is common for me. I think its more due to the severity and distance apart of the mania/hypomania episodes and the length of the episodes. From what I can remember, they usually last 5 or more days mostly. But they certainly have lasted less.

Looking back I clearly missed half of what I intended to type. I do that a lot when I get excited. But bpcyclist, that said, I'm only really beginning to understand bipolar (and probably misunderstand it too) five years after my diagnosis.

No one recommended reading, or sat down with me and explained what bipolar disorder even meant. It was a wham bam, thank you man. Pay your bill on the way out. When I was diagnosed, I had just been broken in pieces by a horrible woman and didn't even know how to breathe let alone what questions to ask, and had no family (that I would let in) to guide me through questions to ask. It's only now that I'm capable of doing research into my past, or asking questions of you generous people. Please tell me when you think I'm stepping in the wrong direction. It's a huge help to me. I'm exhausted by all the mind spinning I'm doing. I'm using this period of baseline I'm in to make as much headway to be prepared for the next bout of whatever comes my way.

A great site to help learn about BP is Bipolar 2: Mood Swings but Not Manic - PsychEducation.org

It's written about BP2 mainly but I'm BP1 and have gotten tons of information from it. It's still my go-to if I have questions and I've been diagnosed for 18 years. The author is a pdoc who specializes in BP and is very good at explaining things.

Grrrrrrrrr......

Good for you for digging into your own story, swimming. It can quite a challenge to diagnose this illness. I was initially misdiagnosed as major depression for about six years or so, until I had my first frank mania and psychosis. So, It really can be quite tricky and it is not infrequently misdiagnosed--especially, if there is a lof of addiction in the picture. In retrospect, I had maybe 40 or 50 hypo episodes as a child, as young as, oh, I dunno, call it four years old. Clearly. No one knew. I had friends, was always the life of every party, and did well in school. People just though tI ws colorful I guess.

On the other hand, for people who have a more classic, quite cyclical nature to their bp, folks who do actually have the illness commonly conclude they do not have it as a result of the symptom-free periods. I've been cured!!!

Good luck to you, whatever you conclude.

I had a quiet inactive day. I chatted with my neighbors outside but did not enjoy it. I played Scrabble and hated it except for this one nice 107 point play i made. I'm so irritable i can't tolerate any activities. This evening i sat on the sofa and did nothing and just checked the clock to see how much time i killed. I hate myself and i hate everything and i wish i was dead.

I am sorry, whatever. I really wonder if you are in some kind of a mixed state type deal or something... Guess I'm sorta wondering about a med change, possibly, or something. What do you think?

Hope you feel better soon.

Slept a crazy amount of hours today with the seroquel and then some Klonapin. Once again though, after the sleepiness wore off, I feel high as a kite and I’m not sure my sleep is going to recover tonight (I could be 100% wrong though). I know I am having loads of psychotic thoughts that I haven’t admitted to anyone, and I’m not sure if I should tell my pdoc or just ride the wave since she already made med changes. I think I might also text my t tomorrow to see if she can get me in on mon instead of tues, if I decide to talk to her about it that is. Most of the thoughts that I am having I can fight. I tried to telepathically transport to Hollywood and was unsuccessful and then later that same night, after it didn’t work, I decided I was going to buy a one way ticket there, knowing I would be cast in whatever I chose and make us millions and then my husband wouldn’t be mad. I had this thought most of the night while my husband was working and I built it up and built it up in my head but by the time my husband came home in the morning from work, fear and doubt took over. I’ve also been thinking aliens are taking over my body and some of my thoughts. I’ve been watching weird porn (that I would never ever watch of my own mind) because the (pardon the tmi) sexual pleasure and orgasm is indescribable. I know the desire and feeling is coming from sort of alien host. It’s been planting strange thoughts in my head too...weird things like wanting to lick my therapist and sometimes trying to dictate what I say.

Cashart, speaking as someone who spends an awful lot of time there, you sound quite manic and psychotic, both, right now. Not judging in the least, just a friendly observation. Any chance you could call whoever is on call for your pdoc, like, maybe right now? I would highly, highly recommend jumping all over this and not waiting until the morning. It is actually a psychiatric emergency. Please call now.

Is your husband home? Can you hand over your keys and wallet to him, by chance. It might help prevent a catastrophe that,like, possibly, destroys your life and stuff. I had one of these. I do not want you to go through the same thing.

I am here if you need someone to PM with. I will be up for awhile. I know we don't know each other well, but I do care about you and I have been right where you are many times.

Hugs and Support. Be very careful, please.

I must agree. Contacting your pdoc, hospital, and/or T NOW is a priority here. We just want to keep you safe and keep you from doing things you may deeply regret later. Many of us have been there so again, no judgement here. I am glad you feel safe enough here to share your thoughts. We all care about you. Please let us know what you decide to do. I will be thinking of you.