Bipolar check-in #47

Thanks, Rainbow!!!!!!

yeah I napped until noon after I took 25mg at 8am. I just took 50mg

The pandemic adventures continue. After being laid off by the city, then quickly redeployed on an on-call basis, I have managed to work my way to the top of the on-call list and am working 9 or 10 days every 2 weeks, so basically a full schedule. I've gotten used to the work but am waiting for swimming pools to open up again to go back to my regular job.

Had a dentist appointment today. It was slightly amusing being worked on with people in full personal protective equipment. They looked like me when I'm working with pool chemicals.

I'm meeting a lot of people and building up new connections at work and keeping myself busy. I live in an area where I happen to know a lot of people, so my walks on my days off work turn into hours because I'm having lengthy chats running into friends/co-workers.

I still feel quite depressed and empty. When I'm catching up with people, they seem happy for me that I'm managing ok during this crisis. But I'm not feeling it at all. I think I don't have enough time for myself just to recharge. Most of the leisure activities are still closed or I can't reserve a time in a gym with an on-call work schedule. I really need a good swim or workout. Home workouts don't cut it.

Everyone I talked to when I was going to start it says it gets better. Hang in there!!!!!

I made it back in one piece. One of my best vacations ever. The first thing I did was to take my Klonopin. Feeling better than I have all week though I’m thinking of going off it since my anxiety and withdrawal symptoms were under control. It would be one less medication.

Peace and love to all.

This coming Wednesday will be exactly 4 years ago that my sister passed away. I still miss her.

It happened very quickly. We learned she had cancer and 2 weeks later she was gone. I did have a chance to speak to her several times before she passed away and the last thing we said to each other was that we love one another.

My mother spent more time with her than I did after I got married and started my family so she tells me stories of the adventures they used to have together. I'm glad to hear those stories but I feel guilty at the same time because I didn't spend more time with her.

I did make it a point to ask her to stay with me and my family whenever she visited, which was about once or twice a year. Those were nice times and I'm glad we had them.

I am sorry Scooter for your loss.

Another quiet day. I won all my Scrabble games. I had a ball. Competitive Scrabble is like juggling. So many things to think about. It's timed games so sometimes racing against the clock at the end like in my last game where we were both in our overtime minute which almost never happens. It's nothing if not absorbing! I was exhausted!

Still excited about my dog's haircut on Tuesday. She'll come back a whole new woman, all smooth and smelling like oranges!

Hugs to all who struggle!

I just watched two hours of golden retriever puppy vidoes and I feel great!!

Bpcyclist I am very sorry for your loss Its hard to know what to do knowing that its been a long time. I dont know about flowers but a card would probably be something nice for the loved ones to receive.

@Scooter9

I'm very sorry to hear that, Scooter. Losing a loved one hurts a lot, especially when you were very close to them. Sometimes the pain never goes away.

Please do not feel guilty about not spending more time with your sister. For many people, they have this regret about not spending more time (it's very common to feel this way), but what matters most is not the quantity of time you spent, but the quality of time you spent, if that makes sense. And if this is worth anything, it sounds to me that you made the most of your time with her and you brightened her day. You were a very good brother to her.

Ughhh... I wanted to go biking this morning, but my apartment is totally messy and I can't get either of my bikes out because I have too many boxes to get rid of. They're just blocking the pathways to my bikes! I also have other stuff on the floor, too, like sneakers everywhere.

Maybe I will go out later after taking out the trash and cleaning up, but there are many, many people here w/o jobs, so they clog up the trails all day because they have nothing better to do. (Not that there's anything wrong with that because I probably would do the same, but my point is that they just get in the way.)

Anyway, I have some regular work to do today as well, so we'll see how things go.

I hope everyone has a lovely day.

I only just read this. My condolences for the tragic loss of your friend.

Much love

I got an email from my psychiatrist last night saying that he has recovered from his urosepsis. I'm extremely relieved. He has offered mean appointment on Monday, but didn't propose any specific time. I responded happy about his recovery and simply said that I'd take any time on Monday.

My father has yet again asked to extend his stay at the assisted living. I told my sister he likely would, but she had convinced herself that he wouldn't. Plus, my dad played his old game of fickleness. My sister literally wrote to me "You were right." It's sad that that was true. If we could only get him to the doctors we want him to see. We really want answers about his cognitive health. If he is unwell, that could help get his assisted living paid for. If he is not unwell, cognitively, then we have to start being extremely tough with him. No petting or sweet talk. He's not a little child. The fact is, if he's well, he is basically giving my siblings and me not only middle fingers, but much worse. He's always been a self-centered type, but now he seems brutally so.

Both my husband and I have had late night dry coughs and minor painful and tight chests. I'm pretty sure it's not covid 19, but probably more a result of dry air in the house. If it is something more, then I'm not sure where it would have come from. We'll be monitoring it.

I've been having a lot of mood elevation during the daytime hours. I was pretty wild last night. My evening medications do eventually put me to sleep, then I seem to wake up almost as if I had been slipped a Mickey. But then after an hour, my mood ramps up again.

Thank you for the update. Will be thinking of your dad, and you and your hubby. Stay safe.

Oh, okay, thanks, Christina. I could do that.

You should really try to go ou tlater, blue. It would be good for you.

Thank you, Fuzzu, so much for the kind words.

You have a lot going on right now, BD, I am so sorry. I really hope you are able to find some peace for you today. Maybe try to do something nice for yourself today. Sending you peace and strength.

What about you guys ponying up for a consult in the place he is located? Could that be done under the COVID guidelines?

Welp, slept well again. Feel pretty okay. Maybe not quite so sad right now. Looking at those puppy videos really helped me, as silly as it sounds. They are jut so adorable and playful and happy all the time, it is hard not to be happy when you look at them be so happy, you know?

Just finished season 2 of 24. It was better than the first. As I recall, it gets better. On to number 3 now.

Really need to clean today, even if I can't find it in me to do much else. Maybe I can write again at some point. That would be nice, but I just have to go with it. I can't help what my brain does, It is beyond my contorol.

Love and hugs to all and thanks so much for all the support over the death of my dear friend. It was so kind of all of you and I really appreaciate it so very much.

Well, only video appointments right now, and neither of my siblings or I would be able to be there. It would almost seem like a fruitless effort, at this point. The complication is mostly all due to the pandemic. And if that wasn't hard enough, he's been recovering from the shingles, as you may recall. The hard part is that he doesn't want to leave the assisted living. They still wouldn't let him back in if we took him off the premises. Rock and a hard place. Hopefully the rules will ease soon in NJ. Compared to many other US states, we've made some good progress, but also unlike many other states, NJ is really cautious about opening up. That's a good thing in my view, but still makes things difficult.

There are various reasons why my father is avoiding coming home, but every month he delays means another $8,000 out of his account and longer before we get any answers about his cognitive health. The latter is something he is also trying to avoid. He either knows and doesn't want to say, or isn't sure and doesn't want to know. And doesn't want my siblings and me to know for sure, either. And if he is just fine, cognitively, he's one **********

Thanks, swimmingly

I see. My father is totally locked down in his facility here as well. No one in, no one out. No COVID, though, thank goodness.

Well, I really hate to say this and I know you have thought about it, but, you know, there are legal processes available for these situations. If he is not competent, then the state has an interest in protecting his well-being. Not trying to pour gasoline here, but, just thought I would mention it. If he is going to drain all his cash and is doing so in an incompetent state, that could be a route to some kind of action potentially. Sorry. I hope you can find a path.

Thanks, bpcyclist. Yes, we have already consulted with a lawyer on this. If he is not capable enough to make such decisions, we will take appropriate steps. But if he is, he has full freedom to spend all of his money, and have his property and house sold and eat that away however he likes. If he did eat it all away, he could potentially spend some years at the assisted living, but then there would be nothing at all left. Nothing. If he were to live many more years, it could be problematic, if he remained "capable enough". Neither of my siblings or I have the ability to take over paying for him to stay in a nice hotel-like environment with a full meal plan, and activities. He's been fully retired since he was 54 years old, mostly thanks to my mother who died young not too long afterwards, and left him all of a big inheritance she received. He's now 78 and enjoying this situation, even despite the covid 19. He's hiding there. Hiding from having to take more responsibility for himself or his recovery. He has no desire to ever go to AA or process his situation intensely with a psychiatrist/therapist.

Wouldn't a lot of us like to live in a situation where someone else took responsibility for giving us meds, making our food (and giving us choices with a menu and being served exactly as if in a restaurant), cleaning our living areas, entertaining us, etc? And he likes the constant social life environment there. And he doesn't have to give my siblings or me any support. He never really did, ever. It's all been about him, him, him. Even during the very worst years of my illness. My husband would call him and tell him I was in the psych hospital again, and he'd just say "Oh, tell her to give me a call when she gets out." Over and over again. And never asking me how I was when I was out, or if I told him, he didn't want to hear anything negative. And when my mother died, he was the biggest victim. And when my sister's son died by suicide, my dad was still again the biggest victim. He never really gave my sister support after that, either. All he did was start acting insanely irresponsible (an understatement) causing my siblings and me to think him soon dead. Then when he finally almost died in the ICU because of all that, did he seek treatment of any sort? No! We fought to get him to a doctor. Fought to get him into an IOP. Fought to get him to go to AA. He just hid away in this quasi Club Med, farting around like a you know what.

We do believe our dad has cognitive issues. All the symptoms of dementia are there. If that is the case, it is sad. There were many good aspects to my father, as well as bad. Now we can't talk to him for more than 120 seconds before he can't concentrate, or doesn't want to hear, even when all we talk about is hummingbirds or roses. "I've got to go, now!" he says. Something (or someone else) is more important. It makes wanting to call or visit him unpleasant. We visit, and he gets up for no reason and walks away. One time during a 20 minute visit, he did that five times. It's like "Where is he going? Why does he not care that we're even here." We know he'd be more interested in anything or anyone else. It is very sad, indeed! My sister and brother and I are good people.

Yes, well, i must admit, that kind of a place would be a big step up over my current doing-it-all-alone situation. So, is he drinking there still? I guess I did not know they allowed that.