Bipolar check-in #48

So, I’ve decided my job at amazon is one where I will have to change myself and some strong beliefs. Long story short, I spent most the night (time that counts against me) trying to fix the issue with no communication and making changes that if you’re not vigilant , and plead your case to HR, be penalized. Since day 1 I’ve been given wrong information and I showed up 2.5 hours early to orientation. Apparently they, without any warning and despite schedules being static, changed my schedule by 15 min. The time slot doesn’t bother me.... it’s that I got 0.5 a pt for being late. I was even there at 6:15 waiting in the break room! It wasn’t until I clocked in I noticed the issue.

I fought with my area manager about simply sending to a higher up that there is a lot of stress on new hires when information that shouldn’t change, keeps changing and leave you feeling unable to correctly and appropriately work. Well, he’d already talked to HR about the scheduling, so he wrote me off. He didn’t understand my issue was bigger than just the scheduling.

I had to go to HR twice that night, also confusion about payroll and problems arose with that as well. They changed my schedule back to 6:30 last night (mid shift) so I’ve got 0.5 points (they use a point system) against me. It’s not even worth the hassle of having to try to fix it. I’m supposed to know and work by changes that are not in any form documented. I really don’t know how I’m responsible for something when they don’t notify you. It’s like the area manager said about, problems. He can’t help if he doesn’t know.

Anyway, you can imagine just the stress level of having to talk to 4 people before I could even begin to be heard and get things fixed. HR told me, she had worked there 8 years and she’d love to say it’s better.... but it’s not. Covid has thrown them for a loop but communication is their downfall. I *may* have a meeting with HR again tonight. I’m over it. It’s not worth the fight. This is my first week, last day this week. I just wanna pick my items and enjoy my 3 days off. You know?

I mean professionalism is important to me and I guess I hold the company to a standard I’m not gonna receive. It’s a job, not a career choice. Just stop caring, MarcusAurelius.

Also just note it’s day 3 at the time, and all this spiraled into the fact I took ALL my breaks at the wrong time screwing up my “Time on task”, being penalized with points and having to beg to get them reversed. Having an issue with the first day and pointed for not clock in..... with a badge I didn’t receive or instructions to do so. I mean it’s just a lot on me. But like I said.... I’m gonna treat this for what it is. It’s **** but not worth getting buried in it.

Sounds like questionable management.

Today started like ****. I had taken seroquel to help me sleep and to maybe help with the depression. I had found some in a draw... I had forgotten I had put it there, Just one dose caused a sore rash on my face

But right now I am feeling good

Love to all

I feel pretty good today mentally. Even though my sleep was pretty sucky last night. I had a therapy session and she didn’t say much about last weeks melatonin incident she just said

“Next time if it happens and it’s less then 24 hours I hospitalize you, if it happens again and it’s more then 24 hours mom gets your medicine.”

I feel pretty achy physically but no fever or cough. I took some pain meds and then my antibiotic for my inflamed acne. But today overall went good.

Had T appt. today. I unexpectedly choked up right off the bat. Cried at numerous junctures. Things are really getting to me. Current situational stuff and old/lifelong trauma stuff. An overall feeling of deep despondency. I'm hesitant to call it depression though, because I'm still basically functioning. That about sums it up.

Yesterday I wanted to just scream, "why doesn't everyone just line up and tell me everything that's wrong and unacceptable and stupid AF about me?!!" after getting groused at by a bus driver (being the third incident of getting chewed out within 24 hours) whom I had just apologized to, for my apparently unforgivable ignorance of a moved bus stop. FFS!!!! I just want everyone to lay the **** off already! Excuse me for existing!!

Yeah. Not doing so well.

Sorry to hear that, Innerzone.

For what it's worth, many people right now are HIGHLY stressed and/or depressed because of the pandemic. As a result, they tend to be VERY short tempered and snappy. I'd argue that their frustrations are not reflective of who you are as a person, but rather, reflective of the situation that's going on around us. So personally, I would not put too much thought into people's reactions toward you because I think you're a good person and what you're seeing is people releasing bottled up stress.

Not to be overly negative, but I think sometimes people need a way to release their anger and frustrations, and so when they cannot find a healthy way to release the mounting stress, they may use any situation as an excuse to blow up, no matter how small and insignificant that situation is. Just what I've noticed.

I thought someone might've stolen my SSN and other info back in October of last year, but back then, I suspected maybe it was me being paranoid, so I brushed it off. However, I started getting weird emails recently that made me suspicious that something was going on with my credit and it reminded me of that incident back in October. You know, basically "OH F***. I should have paid more attention!" So, I tried to sign up for an SSA account online to check if someone accessed my SSA info (since the website says you can do that), but I was locked out and couldn't register. I contacted the SSA and the nice guy on the phone told me that no one had been able to successfully create an account with my info, and so he unlocked it for me. Then he told me to head to creditkarma.com and sign up to see if there was any suspicious activity there. No suspicious activity, except for a credit card number getting stolen and some password being leaked recently from a site that doesn't hold credit card info. I'm guessing the weird emails are just from the asshole(s) who stole my credit card and password. Better than my SSN being stolen though! Now to request a new card...

Anyway, had a long day. Really busy. Trying to wind down and just relax.

Hope everyone had a good day. If not, I hope tomorrow is a better day.

IZ I am very sorry that life is just being so horrible for you right now Im here anytime for you

That is very sweet, Christina. You have so very much on your plate. I'm here for you any time too.

I got several important things accomplished today. Yay! Im still looking for an apartment- its hard to find 1-bedrooms that take section 8. Im very lucky to even have section 8 as most lists around here are closed and the ones that aren't are on a lottery system.

I got up at a normal time today as pdoc was supposed to call me at 8:30- and she did. She wants to do online meetings with a phone app that Ive forgotten the name of so how can we? I neglected to tell her that I stopped my seroquel. I feel bad about that. Maybe I'll tell her next time though she didnt instruct me when to make another appointment so yeah. Today's appointment wasn't very helpful but it wasn't bad either.

Well I have a slight headache which I may take some Tylenol for.

For days now I've been on a "good" streak. My case worker for foodstamps called me back finally! Id basically given up on talking with her but she answered all my questions nicely and I thanked her and she said "Have a nice evening!"! I think that's going far and above for someone with a job like hers that Im sure wears on you.

I saw N3 today because we had a meeting with one of the office personel for the apartment complex. That went smoothly, too. I hope things continue to go well. I also watched some youtube videos. One was recorded on December 30th last year at the Magic Kingdom- she was showing how to get around in the massive crowds and long lines. Basically it is nigh on impossible to get in a short line for rides or to get back to your car or hotel room in short order. And that's what her channel is about- how to get around theme parks efficiently.

A warm hello to All,

I apologize for my absence.
I've had ongoing problems with internet access.

Thanks for inquiries.
I'll get to my PM box soon!

I hope to return soon.

Be well!

Much Love to All!

Time to get going!!!!!!
bizi

So good to see you again,WC!!!!

It's good to see you again, Wild Coyote

Feet hurt, but other than that I feel great. I finished week 1 of my job. I did it. I am working full time, 10 hr shifts, actually accomplishing the work. It’s a good feeling.

Can’t wait to spend these next 3 days basking in sleep and tv lol. Money is limited until I get paid next Friday. However, I will be paid weekly and I really like that.

Thanks everyone for supporting me. I’ve been so obsessed with my own life that I don’t spend enough time supporting you. I do read the posts though! I promise to be more active. on the forum. I have the time.

MarcusAurelius

I am doing a*m*a*z*i*n*g

I feel a lot better today. I think I just had another one of those kooky episodes I’ve been getting that may or may not be mental health related.

I saw my plastic surgeon today. The office staff was nice. The doctor was nice. He said because I am “big” I’m going to need a full mastectomy. Insurance should cover it with the help of my therapist and Pdoc. I’ll lose all feeling in my chest but it’s an outpatient surgery and will only take 1.5 hours and recovery isn’t bad. I’m not sure when I’ll get it done but I’m excited about it.

I have been really stressed lately, but I can't help but laugh.

For starters, I put on a fresh pair of underwear after I showered... but I put them on backwards. So I kept getting wedgies as I was walking around in the morning (for maybe an hour).

I couldn't figure out why my underwear was giving me problems, so I was like, "god damn underwear! It's all f***ed up and twisted after I washed it! It is like dental floss." Then I took it off because I was ready to throw it away, but then I realized: "oh... yeah... backwards."

After that, I cooked a small pizza using those small, precooked pizza crusts. Well, after that was done cooking, I sat down and started eating it. Every time I picked the pizza up to take a bite and put it back down, my Garmin fitness watch apparently registered my arm movements as me running up the stairs. Then my watch started buzzing out of nowhere and it congratulated me on "running up 30 steps." lol.

I also accidentally worked so hard today that I did 12 hours of work. I kept saying to myself, "I hate work. I don't want to do it." As I was saying that, I was responding to people's work emails on my phone and was like, "god, I hope I don't have to work today. I don't want to respond to people's emails." lol.

a bit anxious today

How is the clozapine going Falcon?

It's ok I think. I am at 300mg right now. I think hallucinations and delusions are a bit better but not gone. Doc said he can go up to 450mg and if that doesn't work he'll add abilify.

Good thing about this med is it forces me to sleep at night.

My pdoc told me that she has had a patient on clozapine and abilify together. I had some bad reaction to abilify so that's not an option for me (and hasn't been needed) but she said she's willing to go up to I think 800 mg of clozapine. I'm supposed to be on 400 mg just for tonight but I have a feeling I'll be on that dose longer term as this hasn't really solved my episode. I'm not going to decide that for a few days though. Maybe tomorrow I'll be all better.

I'm glad the psychosis is improving.

I actually need more sedation at night (I take 1200 mg of gabapentin) but it took a while and starting to taper klonopin to reach the point I needed the gabapentin much. Plus I've had 2 really stressful years with grief and that hasn't helped. Glad you are sleeping though. I need to take everything now and hopefully sleep soundly tonight.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Gotta laugh about this stuff

Oh if my reaching for food caused me to show as a step ??? Damn id be climbing 1200 story building Hahaha

Hahah Underwear sorry that is hilarious !

I wasn't able to tell t the truth today. It's easy to lie and not have sole Crushing conversations that make me feel like a bad person. I'm not worried about ip but it shows how my thinking is currently. I don't think I've been this bad since I started a year ago. She was freaked out when I sh I don't know how she's going to take this information.

Only Cold water, waiting on New propane tank and then tankless waterheater .. no way to get things faster 21st feels a long way away.

Had to go out and get my Asthma inhalers, I asked my Doctor to order me 3 months at once, Normally my insurance refuses , but today I got 3 Symbicort ! YAY . My medication plan is so odd and annoys the hell out of me. Of course my Xanax is one month at a time and my Xeljanz is also since it hellish expensive.

I'm still very overwhelmed.. Steve isnt much better, Physically ( he is sleeping 14-16 hours a day) or mentally. He has lots of confusion and he get frustrated when he gets confused. If he isnt showing any improvement I'll call the neurologist. Reality is he was very sick since March so he will take a long time to recover.

Lots of hugs and free cookies to all