Bipolar check-in #48

If your pdoc isn't wanting you off Xanax then why be concerned right now?

Hope your infection clears up soon

Well our Pdocs and T's can only help us if we are honest about things.. If we don't tell them whats really going on they wont know we need help with XYZ

Steve cognitive problems are much worse. Its been hell this past week to be honest. He is NOT a rude person. He doesn't raise his voice or even yell.. Well he exploded the other night like out of nowhere, He went on a rant about saying he said X and I'm like No your never said any such thing.... He starts talking about something and I have zero idea what he is talking about, he then get frustrated if he realizes he is forgetting things or not sure why he talking about something that he had a dream about but feels like its real.. Hes gotten so bad at times he will start crying and he is scared he is losing himself.

I have a huge PTSD issue when someone is yelling, I finally told him the other night to just STOP I can not take anymore. I had taken a bit to many Xanax and I really wanted to just grab my purse and take the keys to his truck and drive somewhere, anywhere, Drive til I ran out of gas. but it wasn't safe for me to do that. So I literally curled up into a ball and cried for over an hour on the bathroom floor.

He was put on Metformin at the hospital because he was found to have Diabetes type II , While in the hospital they were having to give him Insulin as he was running close to 400.. Saw our Doctor the next day, They said Metformin 500mg for 3 days and then 1000mg . So as to lessen the possible GI upset.

Well his numbers started to come down, Not great but closer to target range. Well he said since he got out of the hospital he just hasn't felt " right" I looked into Metformin and it can cause cognitive issues so that could be the problem, He already is dealing with some due to the brain volume loss but so not to this extreme.. This might have just pushed him over the edge ??? So he said he felt a bit relieved that there is possible connection and he may need another med.

As I mentioned I have a huge PTSD issue when being yelled at.. So I have just been very quiet , I know this is NOT my Steve and he keeps apologizing and I keep telling him to please just stop, he isn't doing it on purpose , we just need to get this figured out.

I called our Doctor and he has an appt at 10:30 tomorrow. I have no idea what med they can switch him too for the diabetes and then the whole battle of will his insurance cover whatever it is and how ungodly the price will be.

Last night he realized he had forgotten his morning meds , well He filled his med boxes a few days after he got out of the hospital he seemed okay at the time to do it, Well NO he had it all a bloody mess. So I have to dump everything out and get everything back in pill boxes, So maybe that caused some problems but the ones that were mixed up was Atorvastatin and Zoloft and a couple other meds that don't matter when you take them, so I cant see that being a problem but Hey who knows, right???

I had written a list of things he has to do when he first wakes up, Check BP, Oxygen level, Temp ,Oxygen level, Blood sugar, Nebulize, take his Incruse inhaler, take his Symbicort and take his meds. its legit right on top of my laptop where he checks his blood sugar , But he is forgetting things.

So I told him I am taking over his filling his med boxes, Hes also dealing with his hands shaking alot , this has been going on for the last year or so , related to his neuropthy that's starting in his hands, its a bit worse now, So he was having to go through 4-5 test strips to get a reading so I am taking that over, those test strips are not cheap , not at all.

Honestly I have no idea how much longer I can go on like this. I talk to my T Richard on Wednesday this is one of the times I really wish COVID wasn't a thing , I literally would Iove to walk in his office, lay on that ugly azzz couch and just cry, I miss the smell of his office, It was always soothing, Smells like a dusty old book store, one of my most favorite smells in the world, hes pretty messy, papers here and there and a book shelf full of such random books I joked with him about it over the years many times.

Sorry for the damn novel guys

Sorry to hear that, Christina. That is truly stressful and difficult to cope with. I hope that Steve feels better with a new med change, if that happens.

Christina,

I'm confused but will admit I am not fully up to date with everyone's posts, so it is possible that I just missed something.

If I'm remembering right, you're now taking testosterone as you transition. I believe you said you started it a month ago or so? You talk a lot about increased sex drive, mood swings, etc., but aren't those symptoms also related to hormonal changes? I am not a doctor, but I wonder if your moods are actually just emotional fluctuations due to you adjusting to testosterone. I can imagine it takes a while for your brain and body to adjust to the changes. It could be genuine mood swings as well, but if you haven't done this already, I think you should have a convo with your pdoc and therapist to figure out where the symptoms are coming from, if you haven't narrowed it down already.

Also, forgive me for being ignorant, but do you have a bipolar diagnosis yet? (I know there are a few people here who don't have the Dx, but they contribute here because they experience depression etc and this forum is active. So I apologize if I am confusing you with someone else.)

Hi all. Been away for a couple of days contemplating life. I’m slowly coming to terms with things regarding my brother. I was feeling extremely guilty that I wasn’t there for him after our dad died. While I disagree that I was the “favorite child” still, I can understand why he would think (why his wife would convince him of) that. And though I regret my actions, I know I couldn’t have done anything different. I didn’t know any better. How is a ten year old supposed to step up and be a sufficient parent? And then I became ill. I didn’t know how to navigate my illness and I didn’t have any support at home. I tried to hide it and pretend I was ok but it would always come to a boiling point and bubble over. I have only now, after eight years of grappling with bipolar symptoms, (excluding my teenage years), come to identify triggers and reach out for help before it becomes overwhelming. So for that, I am eventually going to have to forgive myself.

As for what went down with my husband, well...that’s just a mess in my head and will take a long time to untangle.

In other news, I found out something that I find to be “good” news. I was browsing for places to go hiking and exploring and one of the state parks came up. I immediately remembered that the state psychiatric hospital for children that I was in was located there. I have a lot of bad memories of that place. I was only there for three months but it was three months of hell. We were crammed four to a room with no AC in the middle of the summer. No groups or therapy at all. Over medication was the norm - one girl was on Thorazine four times a day to keep her quiet. Abusive, mocking staff - one staff member made fun of a schizophrenic girl for talking back to her voices. The staff member laughed at her and called her spirit girl. I was a vegetarian but they “couldn’t accommodate” my diet so they told me just to eat meat while I was there. I ended up eating cheese sandwiches for two meals a day for the entire duration. I only saw a psychiatrist once in the whole time I was there. No med changes were made. I could have had better med management at home. We went across to the school building for school for half a day. There, we had “classes”, one of which consisted of us “working”. While we were “working” we were basically screwing nuts into bolts and other boring factory work, something someone would have been paid minimum wage to do but hey, we were free labor. The rest of the time we spent in the “cottage” either sitting in the small day room (no games or anything) or in the tv room (just a small tv, no cable just basic channels, no movies). I used to just put my headphones on with my CD player and just pace in the day room, back and forth, counting my steps.

They threatened to send me to residential because I couldn’t be trusted to follow my mom’s rules (which was laughable because she was completely absent, she didn’t have any ****ing rules). In the end, they let me out, not because I was any better but because I simply started lying and telling them I wasn’t suicidal anymore. None of my family believed me about how bad it was until the state shut it down In 2005. I later found out a staff member killed a girl in 1998 with an improper restraint. They tried to cover it up and said she choked. And yet, it continued to run for seven more years. I’ve always wondered what the last straw was.

In any case, I kept reading, and found out that the whole place burned to the ground about two months ago. People in the article were lamenting about “lost history” and how “no one has respect for history anymore” (assuming it was arson). Well **** that. That place had DECADES of patient abuse to its name. It became a hospital in 1948 - and we all know how psych patients were treated back then. It never got any better. Thousands of children went through those doors. Who knows what happened to them? I was one of the lucky ones. I stayed quiet and unassuming. If I had a meltdown, would I have come out alive?

**** that place. Let it ****ing burn. I can close that chapter of my life now for good, knowing no other children will have to experience that place ever again. Yeah, there are plenty others, some probably even worse, but at least one is gone and can take its abhorrent history down into the rubble.

I watched more of those videos tonight. One was my sister's senior vocal recital when she was 22. She was so good!! I cried watching! And I've never had that reaction to music before. I definitely didn't when I saw the recital live back then. I am also mourning the loss of my singing voice. Watching my sister sing so well made me think I could never sing like that back then and I still can't. My emotions are all over the place. There were more clips of my kids when they were little and me 5 months pregnant with N3. (Boy was I fat! Im probably fatter now!) I'm so sad and lonely. I've never lived alone and its only been two weeks!

Your life has been very far from easy I'm glad your realizing some important things about your Brother and I think given some time and thought you will come to the conclusion you did what you were capable of doing at the time.

My Brother and I went through a rough spot after our parents died. I wasn't sure we would ever feel close again, But as time pasted we reconnected, I see him every time we make a trip to Florida and we text a lot and anytime Steve is in bad shape we talk a lot, and if Steve is in the hospital hes on the phone with me many times a day. So altho you and your brother aren't doing so hot right now, I do think over time things will be okay. Don't lose hope and don't beat yourself up over anything. Males and Females process loss differently.

Yes having Bipolar no matter how proactive anyone can be it's going to reach up and slap us all at times, whether there is some sort of trigger or not.

I'm very happy that the state hell hole burned to the ground.. It is so awful to hear of such torture and hell that people have gone through in horrible hospitals.

You have moved forward in life and be damn proud of that

Ive been on testosterone for 4 months. My therapist and doctors have said what I’m feeling is a combination of hormonal changes, and general stress from the pandemic. But also I do have bipolar disorder and I have a very a bad anxiety disorder, and also PMDD. I am working on getting my meds worked out.

I ****ing hate therapists man. NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN JUST BECAUSE I FEEL GOOD!!!!! "Last time I saw you this manic you ended up in the hospital a few days later" STOP PUTTING THINGS IN MY HEAD THAT NEVER HAPPENED!
Ugh.
Anyways, I am enjoying my day off and I'm about to head out to put some air in my tires and maybe go to new york or something idk I just gotta get out.

[QUOTE=~Christina;6894017]Steve cognitive problems are much worse. Its been hell this past week to be honest. He is NOT a rude person. He doesn't raise his voice or even yell.. Well he exploded the other night like out of nowhere, He went on a rant about saying he said X and I'm like No your never said any such thing.... He starts talking about something and I have zero idea what he is talking about, he then get frustrated if he realizes he is forgetting things or not sure why he talking about something that he had a dream about but feels like its real.. Hes gotten so bad at times he will start crying and he is scared he is losing himself.

I have a huge PTSD issue when someone is yelling, I finally told him the other night to just STOP I can not take anymore. I had taken a bit to many Xanax and I really wanted to just grab my purse and take the keys to his truck and drive somewhere, anywhere, Drive til I ran out of gas. but it wasn't safe for me to do that. So I literally curled up into a ball and cried for over an hour on the bathroom floor.

He was put on Metformin at the hospital because he was found to have Diabetes type II , While in the hospital they were having to give him Insulin as he was running close to 400.. Saw our Doctor the next day, They said Metformin 500mg for 3 days and then 1000mg . So as to lessen the possible GI upset.

Well his numbers started to come down, Not great but closer to target range. Well he said since he got out of the hospital he just hasn't felt " right" I looked into Metformin and it can cause cognitive issues so that could be the problem, He already is dealing with some due to the brain volume loss but so not to this extreme.. This might have just pushed him over the edge ??? So he said he felt a bit relieved that there is possible connection and he may need another med.

As I mentioned I have a huge PTSD issue when being yelled at.. So I have just been very quiet , I know this is NOT my Steve and he keeps apologizing and I keep telling him to please just stop, he isn't doing it on purpose , we just need to get this figured out.

I called our Doctor and he has an appt at 10:30 tomorrow. I have no idea what med they can switch him too for the diabetes and then the whole battle of will his insurance cover whatever it is and how ungodly the price will be.

Last night he realized he had forgotten his morning meds , well He filled his med boxes a few days after he got out of the hospital he seemed okay at the time to do it, Well NO he had it all a bloody mess. So I have to dump everything out and get everything back in pill boxes, So maybe that caused some problems but the ones that were mixed up was Atorvastatin and Zoloft and a couple other meds that don't matter when you take them, so I cant see that being a problem but Hey who knows, right???

I had written a list of things he has to do when he first wakes up, Check BP, Oxygen level, Temp ,Oxygen level, Blood sugar, Nebulize, take his Incruse inhaler, take his Symbicort and take his meds. its legit right on top of my laptop where he checks his blood sugar , But he is forgetting things.

So I told him I am taking over his filling his med boxes, Hes also dealing with his hands shaking alot , this has been going on for the last year or so , related to his neuropthy that's starting in his hands, its a bit worse now, So he was having to go through 4-5 test strips to get a reading so I am taking that over, those test strips are not cheap , not at all.

Honestly I have no idea how much longer I can go on like this. I talk to my T Richard on Wednesday this is one of the times I really wish COVID wasn't a thing , I literally would Iove to walk in his office, lay on that ugly azzz couch and just cry, I miss the smell of his office, It was always soothing, Smells like a dusty old book store, one of my most favorite smells in the world, hes pretty messy, papers here and there and a book shelf full of such random books I joked with him about it over the years many times.

Sorry for the damn novel guys :thud
I wanted to cry reading this. Hugs and love and some kind of further strength, always

[QUOTE=wildflowerchild25;6894054]Hi all. Been away for a couple of days contemplating life. I’m slowly coming to terms with things regarding my brother. I was feeling extremely guilty that I wasn’t there for him after our dad died. While I disagree that I was the “favorite child” still, I can understand why he would think (why his wife would convince him of) that. And though I regret my actions, I know I couldn’t have done anything different. I didn’t know any better. How is a ten year old supposed to step up and be a sufficient parent? And then I became ill. I didn’t know how to navigate my illness and I didn’t have any support at home. I tried to hide it and pretend I was ok but it would always come to a boiling point and bubble over. I have only now, after eight years of grappling with bipolar symptoms, (excluding my teenage years), come to identify triggers and reach out for help before it becomes overwhelming. So for that, I am eventually going to have to forgive myself.

As for what went down with my husband, well...that’s just a mess in my head and will take a long time to untangle.

In other news, I found out something that I find to be “good” news. I was browsing for places to go hiking and exploring and one of the state parks came up. I immediately remembered that the state psychiatric hospital for children that I was in was located there. I have a lot of bad memories of that place. I was only there for three months but it was three months of hell. We were crammed four to a room with no AC in the middle of the summer. No groups or therapy at all. Over medication was the norm - one girl was on Thorazine four times a day to keep her quiet. Abusive, mocking staff - one staff member made fun of a schizophrenic girl for talking back to her voices. The staff member laughed at her and called her spirit girl. I was a vegetarian but they “couldn’t accommodate” my diet so they told me just to eat meat while I was there. I ended up eating cheese sandwiches for two meals a day for the entire duration. I only saw a psychiatrist once in the whole time I was there. No med changes were made. I could have had better med management at home. We went across to the school building for school for half a day. There, we had “classes”, one of which consisted of us “working”. While we were “working” we were basically screwing nuts into bolts and other boring factory work, something someone would have been paid minimum wage to do but hey, we were free labor. The rest of the time we spent in the “cottage” either sitting in the small day room (no games or anything) or in the tv room (just a small tv, no cable just basic channels, no movies). I used to just put my headphones on with my CD player and just pace in the day room, back and forth, counting my steps.

They threatened to send me to residential because I couldn’t be trusted to follow my mom’s rules (which was laughable because she was completely absent, she didn’t have any ****ing rules). In the end, they let me out, not because I was any better but because I simply started lying and telling them I wasn’t suicidal anymore. None of my family believed me about how bad it was until the state shut it down In 2005. I later found out a staff member killed a girl in 1998 with an improper restraint. They tried to cover it up and said she choked. And yet, it continued to run for seven more years. I’ve always wondered what the last straw was.

In any case, I kept reading, and found out that the whole place burned to the ground about two months ago. People in the article were lamenting about “lost history” and how “no one has respect for history anymore” (assuming it was arson). Well **** that. That place had DECADES of patient abuse to its name. It became a hospital in 1948 - and we all know how psych patients were treated back then. It never got any better. Thousands of children went through those doors. Who knows what happened to them? I was one of the lucky ones. I stayed quiet and unassuming. If I had a meltdown, would I have come out alive?

**** that place. Let it ****ing burn. I can close that chapter of my life now for good, alwaysstate hospital experiences ca no other children will have to experience that place ever again. Yeah, there are plenty others, some probably even worse, but at least one is gone and can take its abhorrent history down into the rubble.[/QUOTE
State hospitals can be trying. My heart is with you.
Love--

[QUOTE=spikes;6894275]I ****ing hate therapists man. NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN JUST BECAUSE I FEEL GOOD!!!!! "Last time I saw you this manic you ended up in the hospital a few days later" STOP PUTTING THINGS IN MY HEAD THAT NEVER HAPPENED!
Ugh.
Anyways, I am enjoying my day off and I'm about to head out to put some air in my tires and maybe go to new york or something idk I just gotta get out.[/QUOTE) if u r actually manic, please be super careful when you leave. Do u think u still have insight?

Hugs.]

Good morning! I hope everyone's day works out well in the end. My morning was stressful, but hopefully helpful to my family.

Getting a little hyperreligious here. Been awhile with all that. Need to be cautious, as Bad Stuff has happened before as a result. Hope it calms down. Love to all my pals.

Picked up my meds today from the pharmacy, as they're FINALLY in stock. Now I don't have to continue cutting them in half, so hopefully I will start feeling more "normal" soon.

Also, I played my guitar for the first time in months. I just stopped caring because I was depressed and because my teacher cancelled in-person lessons (basically, I was unmotivated at times and was not being "held accountable" for not practicing).

I have been wanting to ride my bike, but the heat has been intense. Lots of temps in the mid to upper 90s, with the "feels like" temps in the 100s. I'm just not used to it.

Anyways, busy, busy day at work. Finally taking a break.

I had a serious conversation with a family member. I hope it was helpful. I was really nervous about. Nothing much more to say.

I feel alright today. I’m pretty lethargic even though I had coffee. My therapist noticed and said I seemed sleepy and asked how my sleep was and if I had anxiety meds today. Which I did but they don’t usually affect me like this especially with coffee after. But I’m doing ok today. I wasn’t doing too good until about 10:30 when I took my Wellbutrin, and topamax. Then I took a visteral and Xanax at 11. Now I feel ok just pretty tired. I told her about my exposure therapy and she said she’s glad it worked but that’s not how exposure therapy technically works. But yeah, today was better then yesterday.

I've been there. Not good for me either. Do you have any specific coping skills for this? It started creeping in this time for me too. I've found learning about something new helped to shift my focus. I chose gardening. I also put together a list of small projects to keep me focused, but not running around manic.

My therapist encouraged me to watch some online sermons last week when I was struggling... I pretty much yelled 'no' at her. I then told her it was probably time that we revisit my list of stimulating triggers together.

Hang in there and let me know if there's anything I can do to assist.

@BeyondtheRainbow

hope everyone is doing ok <3

My clozapine got upped to 400mg

been feeling mildly annoyed today. had an internet outage. hate those things

also my fibro pain sucks

got a good few hours of tv in though

So you gotta share good news when you got it, right? My appetite had returned which is great. It means I at least enjoy the food I eat right now because I feel like eating. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at work yesterday and I was very happy with what I saw. My “beer gut” has gotten significantly smaller. It’s still there but it’s small enough I don’t think I’d be so ashamed to be without a shirt now. Granted I don’t love my body, it’s not like I got some swimmers build or something, but it’s coming along very nicely. It’s a self-esteem booster. I’m 122.4lbs, which is actually below my ideal weight slightly. Weight hasn’t been my concern , because I’ve never technically been overweight or if I have, only slightly. I’ve been at the high end of my normal weight limit and was there for awhile. My problem isn’t food, it’s soda. I drank 6-7 cans a day. That is no exaggeration. That’s what has caused the “beer gut” and cutting it out mostly and all the walking is really paying off in that regard. If it wasn’t weird I’d probably send photos to everyone I know of me without a shirt hehehehe

So there’s that to be happy about. Work is ok. It’s sometimes hard closer to the end of the night to keep pace. I need better shoes, to wear shorts, sleep better etc. But right now I have no funds to the shoe part, I don’t like wearing shorts and much rather not (they just recommend gym shorts for when you have to crouch or bend, it’s easier obviously) and my sleep hasn’t been great. I got a headache last night that was really tough to power through but I did. It was from the new mask I have. It’s “adjustable” and I think I had it too tight on my face because when I accidentally broke one of the rubber adjustable things it hung loose on my face and I started feeling better. I’m kinda nervous about having to wear it tonight, I don’t want another headache (we were given two and I should probably wear the new, not used one). I slept 10 hours today. I feel groggy and like I’ve slept the day away. I have to leave for work within an hour and a half. But if I slept that long; my body needed it I guess.

It probably didn’t help I had no caffeine yesterday. I usually take my headache medicine (OTC) everyday to help curb headaches from not soda (my source of caffeine).i think I forgot to yesterday so that probably contributed. I’ll make sure to take some before work so I have caffeine in my body.

3/4 of my work week is done after tonight. Sunday went by quick, yesterday wasn’t so quick but I’m hoping I get through tonight no problem.

Mentally I’m exhausted. The emotional crap that I’m going through ruminates all night and I spend 10hrs a day everyday going through it again and again. I just want to think of something else. It’s to the point I don’t even wanna bring it up to my therapist because I don’t wanna go through 40+ hours of pain again. I had plans for telling her, and writing some letters etc and I’m just over it. I need a mental break.

Well, that’s it. Hope everyone is doing well.

MarcusAurelius

Thanks. I'm having a rough time with the loss of my cat. But nothing unexpected.

I think I'm going to need to go to 400 too. I was on it last week for several days and felt better. I went down because I'm stubborn but I think it was a mistake. I'm giving it a few more days and then will email my pdoc.

I hope you level out soon on a dose.

I am so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. Sending love, hugs and supportive vibes.