Bipolar check-in #48

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Originally Posted by bpcyclist One in the morning and I am jacked outta my flipping mind. I could run to the moon, no problemo. Wanna ride the bike but it is not safe with federal Trump cops here everywhere and my mental state. Maybe I can clean my place or something. No email. No texts. My cable bill is 600 freaking dollars!! How come I can't notice this until it is already full-on. Feel like such a crappy patient. And person.

Do me a favor and let up on yourself. You're an incredible being who has an illness and is a location that is especially stressful (to say the least) right now.

How are you tonight?

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Originally Posted by bluebicycle I wish I could quit my job. I know this may sound petty, but my boss and a few people are just being downright mean to me today. They're annoyed that I messed up on a few things, and I get it... I messed up... but then I tried to apologize and they shutdown the conversation. So they don't even want an apology. It wasn't like I screwed up big things either. Just tiny details that I messed up on and then... this, the apology. I wasn't arguing with them at all, but they just got pissed and wouldn't let me apologize. I had already thought of quitting my job earlier, but was flip flopping on the idea... but this kind of solidifies my decision that I want to leave. I don't get why they're doing this to me, but whatever. I'm not even going to attempt to understand their behavior toward me because it's just not worth my time and not worth the stress. I'll just update my resume and start applying for more jobs in the meantime. It's just difficult to find new jobs in this economy.

It doesn't sound petty at all, blue

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Originally Posted by ~Christina Well I have decided to go back on my psych meds.. I honestly do not think they will help, but I am ready to shatter. I will call my pdocs Nurse Jane and tell her I just forgot my lamictal for a week with Steve being so sick and have to start over.. I can not just hop back on 300xr mg a day. As for Latuda I have the 80's they are not a med that can be cut, So I will just take it, I seriously doubt it will be a problem. The Doxepin is 50mg, I use to take 100mg a night in hopes that it will help me sleep so no problem there. I honestly hope I will just be a zombie for a few weeks but I seriously doubt that will happen as meds in general never cause me sedation anyway. I am going to take Ambien 10mg nightly along with some Xanax and maybe some Doxy too.... Ambien offering me sleep wont last long anyway so the hell with it I just dont care if it poops out quickly. Stick a fork in me I am done

I like your decision, Christina. I have a feeling it's a helpful one

Hugs, Beth.

What I hate is that when I'm online for more than an hour my eyes blur so badly. I know it's a med effect & it is annoying.

Therapist still out sick. Bet she won't return until August. Effing sucks, as if teletherapy isn't difficult enough. I haven't been doing any "homework" except breath work, which I do, anyway. I accept that she's genuinely ill, but that wee kid in me is angry, nevertheless. It's been weeks.

Today = last day of walking boot. It's been 2 months since surgery (2 casts & walking boot), so tomorrow I'm literally on my own 2 feets! It'll be amazing to walk not in pain.

I'm so sorry to read through these last few pages and see that several of you are not doing well. Please know that I'm sending loving vibes out to each of you. We're living through a piece of history that is making life extra-challenging with a cherry on top.

Has anyone heard from Crook? He has covid. I'm feeling uneasy that there's no update posted.

HUGS all around

You are dealing with a big loss... I'm betting your T will want to connect the loss of your fur baby and a loved one...BUT they simple are not the same kind of loss.

Losing Charlie is a whole level of loss, he has been with you daily, Fur babies offer unconditional love, You never have to wonder if they love you. They are so in tune with us that they just know when we need them close.

If your T tries to connect the two honestly Id say NO I need help with losing Charlie right now, next session we can deal with my emotional pain knowing there will be a loss of a loved one, but today I need what I need.

Im glad you have Abby and I'm glad she has you.. You are providing her with much needed support as she deals with the loss also.

As always be kind to yourself during this time

^^^ I agree. I initially went into therapy 2 years ago because I was grieving the deaths of my cats. We'd lived together all of their lives and losing them (several, over a period of a few years) had pushed me over the edge. I've lost plenty of people, too. I miss most of them, but the cats (and pet rats) deaths - that's a whole different kind of loss and grief. It needs to be respected as such.

Thanks Christina and BethRags.

BethRags you made me realize partly why this is so hard. 3 years ago I lost bot of my cats 9 weeks apart. I'm scared of losing Abby too.

Christina this is a huge loss and I need to take time.

My clozapine is really heavy right now. I might start throwing zoo animals in here because I can't think of what I'm doing. I'll try to answer more tomorrow.

Again, thank you both

yesterday I was put in a very awkward situation.

so: I've still not heard anything from my friendj onathan, so I decided to email round people he knew to see if they'd heard anything.

most of them replied that they hadon't, and 1 person replied that they didn't know what was going on with him, why am I concerned about it.

so I had to tell her what he said. I was debating it, maybe he didn't tell her because he didn't want her to know, but I did anyway. something like that is important regardless.

I had no sleep last night (imsomnia, mostly), and nothing going on all day today

It’s 5:46 in the morning and I woke up from some bizarre dreams. I’ve been having those lately.: I don’t remember much after I wake up but that’s probably for the best. I’m hoping I get stuff done today. It’s my last day off and I gotta get stuff taken care of. I do always have tomorrow in the day but honestly I’ll kick myself if I wait anymore. It’s really hard for me to “adult” right now. I’m actually noticing I’m not getting out of bed except to eat. I’m not depressed necessarily but it’s just a comfort I guess. This PTSD stuff ain’t no joke. I won’t get into it here; that’s not what this thread is for. Just know I struggle even accepting that’s what this is. Maybe that intensive outpatient wasn’t a bad idea. It’s a shame it really does interfere with my work schedule.

I don’t understand my emotions. I want to apologize for going overboard crazy with the diet thing. It was a nice distraction from all this and if my mind was busy with that I didn’t have to think about other things. Plus I’m just obsessive about new stuff lol. Either way I’ve been annoying about it and I’m sorry. I’ll cut back.

My med tweaks seem to have helped a lot. I definitely feel as if I’m in a better frame of mind than before. Situation aside, I think the meds have helped with that.

One day I’ll stop being so pitiful and deal with life like everyone else has to do. My complaining it’s hard doesn’t make it less hard, you know? At least I’m at a point in my life where I want to rebuild a life. For a long while now I had no want to start again.

If I sum up this moment and feeling it’s one of unease. I guess running away, literally and metaphorically, is the only coping mechanism Ive ever known how to do. I get stuck in the cycle and honestly? It’s familiar and I feel better there. They say the hell you know is better than the hell you don’t. I guess that’s what I’m getting at here. It’s so much easier for me just to hold onto pain and stop trying to defeat this, and this depression, and mental illness, and working towards a better life. At least I know where I stand and where it’s gonna go, how it plays out and how to unhealthily deal with the pain.

I guess I’ll try to get some more rest. I’m not doing myself any favors writing this. So when is the hypomanic phase gonna come back ‘round? Haha (ok, not a funny joke— but trying to break the tension brewing here and lighten the mood)

Goodnight;

MarcusAurelius

I went to lie down at 2PM yesterday. I fell asleep around 3:15. Usually now when I take naps at the most I sleep for 1.5 hours. Most of the time though it’s only 20 minutes. I didn’t wake up until 9:30. I went downstairs and my mom said she had tried waking me up but couldn’t. I took a Tylenol and my antibiotic, ate a Pop Tart, and went back to sleep until 6:30 this morning. I a lot feel better today except for some slight pain which Tylenol is helping. I needed that long sleep.

Trying to figure something out, without all the necessary information. Ugh . It isn’t actually possible... and is definitely reminiscent of very early trauma and neglect, most of which I cannot remember. No wonder, maybe, the therapy I had did not have the desired result (although as mentioned before, the t, in fact all 3 of them, were sub optimal for something “complicated” and/or “severe”

Papa bear (my husband) tries to listen (sometimes)

I might (or might not) also put this in a separate thread as I am not currently able to read much in the check in thread, due to time restrictions, and other. (internal restrictions)

Just hung out some sheets.... and confused Papa bear (again)

Am I really that confusing? (rhetorical question which requires NO answer)

I appreciate this space to vent ... I do not find there are many safe spaces irl where I can talk (psychically (Sp?) safe I mean, I am not talking about physically...)

Thinking of deleting this but then it would be of no use to me or possibly any other person who could relate to any of this

Hugs to all, especially to those struggling

I found this song annoyingly relatable and but still a good reminder.

“That weight on your shoulder is worse when you're older
The lines that you've drawn will wear thin
When all that's inside you is screaming for rescue
Breathe out again
When the life you live is falling short of what you want
But it's all that you can give
Breathe out, breathe in, breathe out again
Breathe out, breathe in, breathe out again”

I've been doing pretty good, enjoying life. My paranoia and hallucinations have drastically decreased since a med increase so I'm happy about that. Mood is stable.

I'm getting back into cooking, it's so much fun. Last week I made this hamburger hash recipe. It had condensed cream of mushroom soup, ground beef, onions, diced potatoes, garlic powder, and melted sharp cheddar cheese. Tomorrow I'm making sausage and peppers.

Have apartment inspections next week. Super nervous about that, I always worry about them. I hope it goes well. I've been cleaning this weekend.

I've been trying to take more walks but it's been way too hot. I'm ready for autumn and winter.

I turned in the accommodation request and letter from my doctor to the property manager for getting an emotional support cat. She said it will take a couple weeks to be approved. I hope it is, I really need to have a cat again. I miss having a little companion.

Blue_Bird, is there any place you can walk that has shade? It's been mighty hot and humid where I am, too, but in the shade it's bearable. My husband and I have had fun branching out (Sorry, maybe only I find this funny!) and exploring new paths. Today we went to a park my husband went to with a friend last week, that we had previously not even known about. It was only 25 mins away.

My husband has been sleeping for the last hour. I've since taken a shower and done a bit of extra self-care. I still have more I want to do tomorrow. I feel good!

Hugs, Fuzzy!!!!

Just a quick note. Without my asking them to, my mom and youngest sister started going to a virtual (thanks coronavirus!) 12-week NAMI course.

I was so happy when I heard that, that they cared enough to commit so much time, especially my mother, who spends most of her time taking care of my 87 year old grandmother. My sister too has three girls in elementary school, and her life is practically a whirlwind, albeit a super effective organized one.

How wonderful. Wish mine would have.

Im so happy to see that you are doing well ! That food sounds great

I am sure your apartment will be fine and you will be approved to have a Cat. I think most anyone mental illness or not really enjoys having a furbaby in there lives..

Oh I hear you on the heat,,Heat index here is 100-106 YUCK

Happy for you

Well Steve is mentally clearing up some

The Metformin was just making him legit crazy.. he went off on a yelling fit at me for no reason not that there would ever be a reason to do so a week ago Friday. I got him in with the Doctor on Tuesday AM ( they were closed Monday)

He was taken off Metformin right away , but I had stopped it on Saturday anyway... They put him on Glipizide 2.5 mg twice a day and his numbers are coming way down.

Hes more steady on his feet, He actually went out and spent some time on his mower, He did stop and take breaks, and he knows he cant just go mow 3 acres at once like before.

We were just talking about something and he started talking about something that just flat didn't fit into the conversation , so still some confusion..

I started back on Latuda 80mg and Doxepin last night and didnt have any issue, I didn't expect any to be honest. Monday I'll call to restart the Lamictal. I was able to sleep , but it was due to Ambien 10mg But for now I'm okay with it the chemical take down sleep.

Altho I am thrilled that Steve is doing better in some small ways I am not going to get all excited yet, He mentioned driving to get gas tomorrow and I said I still think we need to wait a bit longer and he was okay about it.

My T is calling me Monday just to touch base. I just never call him between sessions as I dont want to bother him and hes always giving me hell about it, So Wednesday he gave me no choice... " I am calling Monday at 9:30 and you better answer" I know he means well and is very worried about me, But I still hate to bother anyone ( long standing issues that at my age isnt going to change)

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend and stay cool.. Heat index here is 100-105 .. Ugh No thanks.. I am fine staying inside.. I'm to fat to be outside

Hugs and cookies to all ~

I should definitely see about that, I live in an urban area so it's hard to find shade but there are some parks I could try to go to, thank you

TRIGGER WARNING--ABUSE

Had visons of my damnation over nt. Apparently, God is madder at me than I adjudged. Understandably. I have been far short of the mark.. He also seems to be trying to tell me I had something awful done to me when I was one or two. Maybe nanny? Visions of her also. Turns out I do have features of DID when I cycle and have evidently been having focal aware szrs since infancy, likely. Some other neuro stuff, blind in left eye. Likely, an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental thing. Maybe mor schizophrenia than pure bp. Anyway, rough.

Hugs and love to all. Just very sad.

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Originally Posted by bpcyclist TRIGGER WARNING--ABUSE Had visons of my damnation over nt. Apparently, God is madder at me than I adjudged. Understandably. I have been far short of the mark.. He also seems to be trying to tell me I had something awful done to me when I was one or two. Maybe nanny? Visions of her also. Turns out I do have features of DID when I cycle and have evidently been having focal aware szrs since infancy, likely. Some other neuro stuff, blind in left eye. Likely, an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental thing. Maybe mor schizophrenia than pure bp. Anyway, rough. Hugs and love to all. Just very sad.

Hi bpc, It sounds like you're having a rough time right now. How are you feeling as far as safety?

Struggling with some anxiety/worry/delusional thoughts.

Also feeling more convinced today than yesterday that Nazis or fascists of some type are holding my therapist and her husband hostage. I don't know what to do; I've emailed her 3 times (her work email), but I'm sure she won't see them until she returns to her office. She lives less than 2 miles from me and frankly, I would drive past her house just to check and see if it looks like there's strangeness going on - but I cannot drive yet, can't even get down the stairs yet.

I was standing in my kitchen and crying because of this illness, and because of my mind...the way it works, and because I have talents I can't use because of defects in my brain and in my history. And because I have to be medicated like a zombie in order to feel able to function.

It all makes me sad for us. At least we're not alone, like Ishi was.

SSDI hearing on Thursday. Finally. I don't expect much, but if I'm approved I'll take anything they'll give to me.

Three posts in one day. I’m awfully needy. Haha

Just wanted to say had a rough day of depression. My roommate was very kind and made an excellent dinner of pork shank. It just fell right off the bone and tasted amazing. He is a professional chef so I wouldn’t expect any less. Also had a glass of Pinot Grigio. I’m not a big drinker or anything but it was nice to help me unwind. He really made today a bit more bearable. He doesn’t really know how truly kind of him that was and what it meant to me today.

I’m back in my room in the basement. I’m gonna relax to some music and try to let this day even out some. I barely ate today. I had cereal this morning but the pork shank was a lot of food and I have left overs for tomorrow at work. Maybe i didn’t hit the recommended calorie limit today but I enjoyed my meal nonetheless.

I’ll take the advice of that song from earlier— just breath out, breathe in, breath out again. Live it moment by moment until you can get past it all.

MarcusAurelius