Bipolar check-in #48

I hate it when I wake up in "the morning" and the clock reads 2, 3, 4, even 5! Lots of times someone calling wakes me up.

Drove 20 minutes to go 2.3 miles. Hahah — I didn’t mind though. City life is weird for me but enjoyable. I was behind tons of old cars going to a car show. It was quite enjoyable. I forgot how much pastel colors were a thing in the 50s/60s haha.

I ate at Arby’s today. I haven’t eaten out in awhile and decided it would help ease my mind. I ate and slept and I’m awake again. Still so stressed about work and upset but it is what it is. I get paid tomorrow so that’s a plus.

I’ve made it a goal to spend these day’s free from work with as much enthusiasm and pleasure as possible. Let’s see how that goes.

MarcusAurelius

That sounds like a good plan- as long as you're not doing it because you're manic.

I am feeling...disturbed, tonight. After I finished my book RS and I snuggled up, like we do every night for awhile before bed. I was just...overwhelmed by a sense of “unreality”. I was completely removed from the situation. It did not feel real at all. I felt like I was somewhere else, someone else, looking at him. Like I was out of my body looking down. This happens to me nearly every single time I am in someway intimate with him. Snuggling, hugging, kissing...it’s like I’m not really there. It’s always been like that.

It’s almost like being intimate with him triggers a trauma response if dissociation, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why that may be. I mean, my husband was never violent with me. Emotionally manipulative and slightly abusive, sure. But never physically violent. He did coerce me into intimacy many many times, making me feel guilty if I didn’t give in to him and do what he wanted. One time...well, I won’t say as it might be triggering, but it was definitely wrong what he did, and might be considered something of an assault. But only once. So maybe...I don’t really know.

I guess I’m just still in shock and denial that a man could possibly be this nice and loving towards me, all the time, no matter what. Even when severely depressed. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For RS to, like, “show his true colors” somehow. To start nitpicking, picking fights, calling me names, SOMETHING. I haven’t truly relaxed. I mean, we’ve only been dating for just over a year and a half. That’s not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. Anything could happen. My husband showed his true colors quite early...the first incident I remember was about eight months after we started dating. It was his birthday. He mentioned he hated his pillows, that they were uncomfortable and hurt his neck. So I bought him nice new pillows, Big fluffy ones that I thought he would like. But he didn’t. He opened them, and in front of his whole family, loudly exclaimed “THIS is what you got me? This gift SUCKS!” And threw them down. I was humiliated and shocked, as I thought it was maybe not an expensive gift, but a thoughtful one that showed I had been listening. He was 21, I was 20. Now I can see that was extremely childish, but then I just blamed it on myself.

I’m waiting for RS to just freak out on me. Like I know I’m a bad person, and he just doesn’t see it yet, or maybe he does and is excusing it right now but eventually he will realize and treat me as I deserve. I know that sounds crazy but...

I dunno. I’m not sure I’ve ever dealt with dissociation. I don’t know how to go about it. I guess it’s yet another one for therapy. I had to skip my session this week due to the power outage and subsequent lack of WiFi. I’ll have to mark this down, for now, and put it away until Tuesday.

In other news, I spoke to my pdoc finally. She refilled my prescriptions and added ambien for sleep. I am nervous about the ambien. I’m not sure how my body will handle it, if I won’t be able to wake up in the morning like with seroquel. I took just 12.5mg last might and still couldn’t rise until 11am. Better than sleeping until 3 or 4, but still not feasible for when I start work. I am also nervous about the possibility of sleepwalking. But she said that if I take it right when I want to go to sleep, and on an empty stomach, I should be fine. I’ll give it a go.

Of course, though, my pharmacy is out of depakote, which is what I need. I’ve been without since Tuesday. I’ve got to call them up tomorrow and have them check other locations. There’s one about ten minutes away. There are others closer, but they’re too far into the nearby city for me to feel comfortable. It’s just edging on “watchful” territory.

Otherwise my mood is still fine, if a little irritable.

hugs, Marcus.

**** me. I just read an article from an emotionally abused woman about her relationship and it described my relationship with my husband to a tee.

It blows my mind to think he was abusive, because he loved me.

I’m super ****ed up right now.

I can't sleep. I got up earlier and cut and modified a pattern for face masks. I made myself try to sleep again and it didn't work so I got up and searched through fabric until I found something that would work and now it is all pinned and ready to sew. I am not going to sew while my meds are too strong in my body. It would just be a mess. But I think I'll like the mask when it is done. I'm tired of the same 3 that my cousin kindly made. I also feel like I need more than 3 right now as I'm constantly carrying them in my pocket and one in the car and that leaves one in the house waiting for me to need it. So I could run through 2 at least in one day. This way I'll have more and won't risk issues. (Right now I can't find one of the three and I'm stressed about it.) Plus if this mask thing is going to last a long time might as well have some fun ones.


I"m also starving because I'm hoping to get fasting bloodwork in the morning. Usually I sleep through this. This time it is just making me more and more hungry.

Hopefully I'll sleep soon. I had a migraine today something that screws up my sleeping even more than usual.

I am no dissoc. Guru, but they say emotional abuse may be more damaging than physical stimes.

I used to sleep-cook on Ambien. Joined a bunch of dating sites on it and started getting uh, revealing, sorta, texts from lovely young things. Did not recall any of it. Have no interest in dating, other than my kitty. I wld date him. For sure.

Ambien is disinhibiting. Like alcohol, only waaay more so--for moi. Be careful.

Hugs.

We are having a rough night. Something our pdoc said yesterday is really bugging us and getting to us.

I fell behind here, but did read everyone's posts. Sending hugs and support to all and your families.

I lost 2.0 lbs this week. It was a hard won 2 lbs, but I am officially in the next lower 10 lb bracket after about two years in the higher one. @Mountaindewed, I have noticed the same in regards to muscle making me feel/look thinner than my cumulative weight loss. Good luck with your weight loss journey, as well, if weight loss is desired.

Congrats on the weight loss !! I think that’s absolutely incredible. I’ve lost 1.5lbs unintentionally —- cutting out regular soda really has made a difference for me . Making lifestyle changes in order to keep the weight off is no waste task — I commend you for losing !

I’m so upset about work I refuse to think about it. Is that strange? These are my days off, dammit. I’m going to enjoy them and nothings going to stop that. I mean, I’ve been through worse. I did live in my car after all. It’s just all of this preys on my insecurities. I had to work twice as hard to be ““normal” . I’m not sure that I truly have what it takes to be a teacher, but it’s even worse that I can’t do a simple job like Amazon. Maybe I just can’t work. It’s not from a lack of trying or being lazy. I know that I’m sick, and that is worth something somewhere, but I just hate that I can’t do anything without myillness following me . But all in all I’m ready to give up. I’m just too damn tired to continue.

Nice job!

Hugs. Guys!!!

Good job, Soupe!!!!

You are not a giver upper. This will pass. Rest.

Hugs and love.

Spent most of the nt in a rage st my abusers from long ago. Am a completely nonviolent person, but freely admit I want to hurt them. Do not know how to do that and morally opposed to it, but def dreaming of it. No idea I cld be so full of rage.

Also struggling w anger at someone I have to encounter every day. Basically, lotta anger. Selfish people suck.

Made myself run. Feel better. Maybe Albert will comfort me.

I have not slept in 24+ hours. I am not manic. I am just devastated. I’m beginning to believe the insomnia from the last month has been related to everything I’ve just concluded.

I have been listening to tv shows with my eyes closed just so I can at least relax my eyes. Haven’t fallen asleep yet. Will definitely be taking a sedative tonight, be it ambien or seroquel, whatever I can get my hands on first. I need to not be awake and thinking for a few hours.

Calling pharmacy now. ****ers. Better have my god damn meds.

That is great!

I went to the doctors today. Probably just a couple minor infections. The cyst is gone though. Basically my body is going to hell because of my transition. In 4 months I’ve had 2 elevated blood levels and 3-4 infections. If I get put on antibiotics on Monday this will be the 3rd time in a month that I’ve been put on them for different things. As long as I don’t get COVID though I’m good.

That’s it. I’m out. Done. Gone. I am completely overwhelmed and breaking down. Nothing is real. I don’t even know how I managed to get home safely from the pharmacy because I don’t even remember looking at the road.

They don’t have the depakote. They won’t until Monday. They refuse to call other pharmacies in the area to see if they have it. I’ve been off it for five days. Doesn’t seem like a lot and it probably isn’t a big deal but this is the straw that is breaking my weak camel’s back.

I am now at home. In bed where I will remain. My brain is shut down, I feel like I am disconnected. Major electrical shortage. Popped like the transformer did this morning. I feel nothing. I cannot allow myself to feel anything. Because I will feel everything at once.

I feel out of body and out of control. If I could go IP I would. It’s not an option.

I will just lay here, quiet, still, for I cannot feel or think anything else.

Can you switch pharmacies? Just give one a call and say you need depakote but that your current pharmacy won’t call any other nearby pharmacies. The worst thing that could happen is the pharmacy says, "We cannot give you that information."

I have had similar issues before and sometimes you have to be your own advocate and do it yourself. It really sucks though. I know. But sometimes we have to do what other people won't in order to get what we need and deserve.

Hugs, wfc. You will crash at some pt. Be ready. Careful not to take too much Ambien...

Shut that "pharmacy" down.

Does the pdoc know? Please, please call her or a crisis line or PM me any time. I am here all day.

Prayers and love.

I have to close my account, unfortunately, due to a potential stalker who has been trying to dox me (possibly thru hacking because they are very, very angry I helped someone w/ legal advice). Was fun chatting with everybody.

Later. Was fun chatting with y'all.

Have you considered changing pharmacies? It sounds unreasonable that they would refuse to see if other locations have it. You could even demand that they transfer your prescription elsewhere. They have to do that, unless they're some lousy shady operation. I have pretty good luck with CVS, as for the big name brick and mortar pharmacies. Then there are also some smaller pharmacies. I used to go to a smaller one, but my insurance stopped including them in their network, so I'm back to CVS. I know that it is a hassle going to more than one pharmacy, but if you really need the med...