Bipolar check-in #48

What's the med situation?

It's all changing. Already quit Seroquel, now quitting lithium too and increasing Lamictal. I don't think it matters much, things were going downhill before the med change. I don't really care what happens med-wise at this point.

Hey guys, saw my psychiatrist yesterday, no med changes since I'm doing well!! It's been a long time of adjustments, changes/tweaks to my meds but I'm finally fully stable. I'm no longer thinking my neighbors are plotting against me. And also not hearing voices. My mood is good too.

I got a Fitbit Charge 3 the other day. It's been motivating me to walk more. Trying to lose some weight. Since the metformin increase I've lost 5 lbs. I'm now challenging myself to 21 days without sweets since I have a major sweet tooth and that contributes to weight gain of course.

Going to Walmart today. They have a 100 pack of crayola colored pencils I want to get since I recently got an adult coloring book. I find coloring and doing artwork very relaxing. I'll use them to color my drawings too.

I have to go renew my library card sometime soon. That way I can continue checking out ebooks and regular books/dvds/etc from the library via curbside pickup. I'll try to do that either later this week or next week. Checking out stuff via curbside pickup gives me more incentive to take walks too since I don't have a car and have to walk everywhere or take the bus so that's always a plus for getting exercise.

I've been reading a book called Christmas Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella. She has a whole series of Shopaholic books and they're all really cute fun stories.

I had been trying to contact a consignment shop as a means of cleaning out nice clothes that no longer fit. Most would normally have good resale value. One place never got back to me. Then today I called another, further afield, and the woman had to refuse. She kept talking on about the whole situation with her small business, and others. She sounded so desperate that I thought she would start crying. It was very heartbreaking. Though I really could have used the money that it could have provided, now I'm thinking I might as well donate it. Even some of the best pieces. Or maybe if I do lose enough weight, some of it will even fit again.

I'm churning homemade ice cream right now. Caramelized banana ice cream. I'm experimenting with a lighter version, but not too much lightened. We'll see how it turns out. Any new ways of using up ripe bananas are welcome, in my book. It was great last time. Not too tempting since ice cream is not my passion.

I’m not doing well today. Lots of SI and SH thoughts. Still struggling with the idea of (possible) abuse. I just want to push it out of my mind, but I can’t. I have to see my therapist today and I don’t want to. I definitely don’t want to tell her anything. I’m very embarrassed and ashamed that I let it go on for so long. However I do not want to continue feeling emotionally detached from RS. I want to heal, but I don’t know how.

I’ve decided to take seroquel on the regular, at least until work starts. I can’t risk going 24-36+ hours with no sleep again. I haven’t been really hungry, so I’ve been easily sticking to my calorie limit. I’ve gained back the five pounds I lost, which I expected. I’m just hoping I’m one pound lighter on my weekly weigh in. I don’t mind losing weight slowly. It’s excruciating but I know it’s the healthy way.

RS had a sinus migraine yesterday so he stayed home from work. When He was feeling better, We went on a hike, but only made it half a mile into the trail before confronted with a veritable rock climb steep as stairs. Surveying the situation, we decided it would be unwise to attempt it. We are not in the physical shape to handle it. So we turned back and headed out. Just as well, it was about 90 degrees and humid as hell. We’ll pick a new trail and try again on another day.

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Originally Posted by raging vortex apart from the extreme body pain and the complete lack of sleep? I had some candy arive for me today (loads of it from the supermarket), run out of plums (so had to settle for peaches and grapes today), and not doing anything. I can barely walk today

I'm so sorry. I know well how it feels to be in such pain that I could barely walk. Such pain takes a toll.

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Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur Getting worse again. Just want to sleep all day or sedate myself cause I don't want to be conscious. Problem is I can hardly sleep at all. Going crazy with anxiety, can hardly work anymore. Too tired to do anything. Just want this bs to end.

Hey there, FluffyD, I'm wondering if your overmedicated from the lithium and Lamictal together, since you're still taking some lithium.

You have to care about meds. You naturally feel defeated because they're not doing what they need to be doing. As for anxiety - my worst problem with treating BD was that nothing was alleviating my severe anxiety (which is often part of a dysphoric mania). Finally, finally, after years of trying meds my pdoc prescribed perphenazine (Trilafon). It was like magic. bpcyclist has also had good luck with Trilafon. My level of anxiety dropped way down. Might be worth mentioning to your psychiatrist.

I have a UTI. I guess those can cause people to feel completely washed up and tired and have no energy. I’m on antibiotics 3 times a day. I am very tired and I am not feeling good today. But I am glad I have an answer. When they said the doctor wanted to give me the results I was freaking out.

Has anyone noticed a drastic decrease in appetite when they have gone up to 80 milligram on Geodon? I can’t eat much and I’ve recently gone up on mine and I’m looking pretty skinny. Not like sick or anything but if I went back to in person therapy sessions right now I think I’d be asked some questions.

I hope your tests go well.

I spoke to him today, and I'm going to taper off the lithium. I'm hoping that will help, but I'm also a little afraid to do it. What if it makes me more unstable, and then covid gets worse and I lose access to my therapist again? I don't want to make that situation any worse than it already would be. But I suppose we'll see if it helps or not, and if not I might preemptively build the lithium back up at least until the covid hell is over. Right now I'm just tired of all the meds. If Lamictal doesn't work either then I'm considering ECT. I'm going on 9 months of alternating between depression and mixed, and I just have to make it stop because I'm worn out. I also need to stabilize my life but there's too much change and uncertainty that I have no control over, and that includes covid.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I have a UTI. I guess those can cause people to feel completely washed up and tired and have no energy. I’m on antibiotics 3 times a day. I am very tired and I am not feeling good today. But I am glad I have an answer. When they said the doctor wanted to give me the results I was freaking out. Has anyone noticed a drastic decrease in appetite when they have gone up to 80 milligram on Geodon? I can’t eat much and I’ve recently gone up on mine and I’m looking pretty skinny. Not like sick or anything but if I went back to in person therapy sessions right now I think I’d be asked some questions.

Ugggghhhh, uti's are miserable. Horrible. The worst!


Be sure to take your antibiotic exactly as prescribed. Also, you can purchase AZO in any drug store or on Amazon. It does help.

Yes, when I was on Geodon it killed my appetite. So nice after Seroquel, which made me want to eat everything in sight. But the Geodon also gave me such insomnia, I couldn't sleep at all. So I had to stop taking it.

I'm going back and forth between super healthy and super unhealthy habits rapidly. Like woke up screaming, crying, punching walls and wanted to do dangerous things that almost caused my cousin's death, but decided against it because I have to drive later today and the nurse would probably call for a wellness check because I've never missed an injection. Got myself into the shower and when I got out it was some sort of metamorphasis (again) and suddenly I was thinking "I'm gonna put on pants!" and "I'm going to do yoga!" and such.

My whole arm is tremory. It started at some point yesterday. Yesterday was an unhealthy day. I was sober for about a total of 3 hours between when I woke up at 3am and whenever I went to bed. That's probably why my arm is f'ked up. I don't care if I sound like an addict I'm waiting until I'm out of oxy until I stop. I'm almost out anyways. Thought about snorting it so I'd actually feel something. Not going to stop the weed.

Maybe pick up some paint today? I kinda want to paint a spider web on one of the walls in my bedroom. Also want to get tatted.

Edit: Tremor stopped after I got my injection, so I guess my rx is doing more harm than my substance abuse. Taper off the risperdal and do more drugs, got it! (bad joke, I know)

Hugs, Fluffy.

Be safe, spikes.

Almost no sleep again last night. Felt pretty hypo maybe, but I am not good at insight even when hypo. Up, down, up, down. Does anyone else sort of cycle more frequently than the books say occasionally? Don't really know what rapid cycling is or whatever. But just wondering if others do this, too ever. And no, I def do not have borderline pd, that is off the table. This only happens occasionally for me, more so in recent yrs. Thanks!

Hugs.

Speaking with my therapist was very comforting. I didn’t have to say anything specific; just that I have been dissociating when RS shoes me affection. She already knew about one incident with my husband that could elicit such a response, so she didn’t bother pressing for more. In fact, she said the “why” wasn’t important. All I need to recognize is that the part of my brain that is respond for this trauma response is not connected to my rational mind. At one time, the numbness served me well; to protect me from a real threat. Now it’s being triggered by the same situation, except the actual threat isn’t there. It makes sense. She said that with time and consistent practice, I could teach my brain to loosen the connection with the threat and remake connections with the present moment, which is not threatening. Such as, relaxing my breathing, practicing “open hands”, and one other thing I don’t remember. I am glad thAt I didn’t have to actually admit to anything. I believe I am going to instead make use of the journal I bought a few weeks ago, and try to work through the actual thoughts and memories myself. That way no one has to know my shame, and I can work on forgiving myself.

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Originally Posted by bpcyclist ...Does anyone else sort of cycle more frequently than the books say occasionally? .... Hugs.

Yes, I do and so very many people with BD do.

In my mind I call those sudden spikes "flashes." For example, I'll be feeling overall stable, then have a day when I'm having hypomanic (or manic) flashes.

I do believe that eventually, the realities of BD will be more refined. BD might look quite different than the old "manic depression" prototype that still influences the diagnosis.

Oh, okay. Thanks a lot, Beth. That makes me feel a lot better.

Not doing well at all today. Literally getting confused and scared without reason. I get this way sometimes and I don’t know what causes it. I don’t know I’ll make it through the night at work. I’ll just quit, stay my two weeks I’ve paid for and move back in with my mom. I can’t keep living my life like this. I’m so unhappy.

I luckily knew the way to work because my GPS kept trying to get me to go other ways. I am just glad I got here in one piece. I got real nervous and scared feeling while driving.

Mom texted me about how much she worries about me living in this “evil city”. 🙄. Anyway...

Pray I calm down. I don’t even understand my own emotions at the moment. I feel so uncomfortable.

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Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur I spoke to him today, and I'm going to taper off the lithium. I'm hoping that will help, but I'm also a little afraid to do it. What if it makes me more unstable, and then covid gets worse and I lose access to my therapist again? I don't want to make that situation any worse than it already would be. But I suppose we'll see if it helps or not, and if not I might preemptively build the lithium back up at least until the covid hell is over. Right now I'm just tired of all the meds. If Lamictal doesn't work either then I'm considering ECT. I'm going on 9 months of alternating between depression and mixed, and I just have to make it stop because I'm worn out. I also need to stabilize my life but there's too much change and uncertainty that I have no control over, and that includes covid.

The medication tango gets terribly wearying. At times, intolerable. ECT is certainly an option. I strongly considered it at one point when I was feeling tangled up between mixed and depressed, with plenty of dysphoric mania thrown in, especially a vicious anxiety that never let up. I told my pdoc that I wanted to look into getting ECT, she okayed that, but asked if I'd try one more med (Pristiq). I did, and I got lucky. The Pristiq lifted the depression off my shoulders. Then we added in/took away some meds/adjusted doses and bit by bit, between the meds and therapy, I became more and more stable.

But, despite the scary reputation it has, every person I've known who has received ECT in contemporary times is glad they made that decision. And by "every person", I do mean every person I've communicated with about it. (There's a thread in Bipolar Treatments about ECT.)

Whatever you decide, there is one way or another that you will have relief from your symptoms. I promise you that. I've been deeply involved in the mental health community IRL for decades and online for a long time. I have yet to meet anyone who, if they stick with treatment, doesn't become stable sooner or later. I'm being honest about that.

Also, I want to mention that you're still climbing up there on Lamictal. You have a long way to go before you're at the max dose.

Another thought I have...Lamictal alone...anxiety...I can only speak for myself on the subject, but I definitely have to take a med specifically to lessen my anxiety (in my case, Trilafon).


btw- there might be 2 threads on Bipolar Treatment about ECT. There's a man named Guinness here on PC who could give you a lot of info on ECT. I think he's a mod or a community liason.

Not pushing you toward ECT, but it's a feeling of security to have that option.

@BeyondtheRainbow.

Went back to 300mg, 100mg in the morning and 200mg at night. My morning dose didn't give me akathisia so that's a good start.

In a really good mood too

@falcon09 I just realized that I probably had akathesia on it at first too. I'd totally forgotten and at the time wouldn't have called it akathesia because I wasn't unable to sit still as with previous akathesia but I was so sensitive to everything. I kept telling the nurses and pdocs that it felt like my skin was gone and everything was hitting my bare nerves. I stayed really agitated until they put me on quite a bit of gabapenting which I'd been on before for akathesia since it doesn't interact with my MAOI. Looking back though I think it could have been akathesia that was treated rapidly. I've always been on a decent dose of gabapentin since and I know I have to have it to sleep (so the clozapine isn't that sedating, at least not until I'm asleep already). Interesting. I'll have to ask my pdoc about that.

I hope that your med changes work. I'm glad you are in a good mood on the 300; that's a good sign. Hopefully the combination of 300 mg and PRN geodon is your magic potion.

Cld this be a mixed episode?

I just do have to share that I clearly have become much less stable over the decades Much. Maybe just bad luck or something I spose.

I don’t know, I’m not sure I’ve ever had a mixed episode.