[wildflowerchild25]

I’m in a very dark place right now. I feel as though I can’t possibly handle anything more. I was already contemplating that very thing yesterday but there was an incident that just made everything so much worse.

My son and I got into a fight because he was being disrespectful by looking at his computer instead of responding to us when we were trying to tell him about his mess. When I asked him to repeat back to me what I said, he mimicked me in a demeaning tone. I was calm, I just told him for that he’d lost all his electronics and the right to watch Amazon TV. He could watch regular tv if he wanted but RS and I were going into our room until he could talk to us respectfully. He became hysterical, screaming that he was going to write me a nasty note and that he was NOT going to leave our room. I contemplated our next move, knowing I just could not sit there and allow him to engage and rage at me as it would just let him get his way. But then...then he PUSHED me. Like reached out, watching my face, and pushed me. Not hard, and not necessarily in anger. The look on his face suggested he wanted to see what would happen. Like if he would get his way if he did that. I jumped up and yelled at him to get out, go to his room, and DO NOT COME BACK. I grabbed his shoulders and told him I had never put my hands on him and I never would and it was unacceptable that he had put his hands on me. Utterly unacceptable. He started crying and darted to his room while I went to mine. And I just sat down and cried.

It just hit me how much I’ve failed him. All I’ve done since he was born was ruin his life. I had stupidly thought I could do better than my mom and I can’t. He’s like this now because I never put boundaries and discipline in place when he was younger. How could I? I was sick. I was in and out of the hospital. Then suddenly I was a single mom. Still suffering from bouts of debilitating depression. It was all I could do to make him food.

I just never should have had him. I did it for selfish reasons, and he didn’t deserve the treatment he got. I don’t know how to fix it.

I had this fantasy when I was 15 stuck in a group home. I was so horrified with myself because of how I had failed my family. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt like I didn’t even deserve to die, because I view death as the ultimate peace and it wouldn’t be fair to give myself peace. I thought I should run away to New York City and throw myself into the streets. Let them swallow me. Let anyone do whatever they wanted to me because that’s what I deserved for being such a horrible person. I deserved a lifetime of misery.

That’s the way I feel now. I don’t even want to die because that would be too good for me. There’s still a brain cell that knows that running away would really be no better than dying for my son because I’d still be gone. So obviously I’m not going to do it. But that’s what I feel I deserve at this point.

I wanted to tell RS the whole sorry tale of the time my son was a newborn, what happened to me directly after, and how I just fell down this path of self destruction ever since. But I couldn’t.

[childofchaos831]

Down right now...

[leomama]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m in a very dark place right now. I feel as though I can’t possibly handle anything more. I was already contemplating that very thing yesterday but there was an incident that just made everything so much worse.

My son and I got into a fight because he was being disrespectful by looking at his computer instead of responding to us when we were trying to tell him about his mess. When I asked him to repeat back to me what I said, he mimicked me in a demeaning tone. I was calm, I just told him for that he’d lost all his electronics and the right to watch Amazon TV. He could watch regular tv if he wanted but RS and I were going into our room until he could talk to us respectfully. He became hysterical, screaming that he was going to write me a nasty note and that he was NOT going to leave our room. I contemplated our next move, knowing I just could not sit there and allow him to engage and rage at me as it would just let him get his way. But then...then he PUSHED me. Like reached out, watching my face, and pushed me. Not hard, and not necessarily in anger. The look on his face suggested he wanted to see what would happen. Like if he would get his way if he did that. I jumped up and yelled at him to get out, go to his room, and DO NOT COME BACK. I grabbed his shoulders and told him I had never put my hands on him and I never would and it was unacceptable that he had put his hands on me. Utterly unacceptable. He started crying and darted to his room while I went to mine. And I just sat down and cried.

It just hit me how much I’ve failed him. All I’ve done since he was born was ruin his life. I had stupidly thought I could do better than my mom and I can’t. He’s like this now because I never put boundaries and discipline in place when he was younger. How could I? I was sick. I was in and out of the hospital. Then suddenly I was a single mom. Still suffering from bouts of debilitating depression. It was all I could do to make him food.

I just never should have had him. I did it for selfish reasons, and he didn’t deserve the treatment he got. I don’t know how to fix it.

I had this fantasy when I was 15 stuck in a group home. I was so horrified with myself because of how I had failed my family. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt like I didn’t even deserve to die, because I view death as the ultimate peace and it wouldn’t be fair to give myself peace. I thought I should run away to New York City and throw myself into the streets. Let them swallow me. Let anyone do whatever they wanted to me because that’s what I deserved for being such a horrible person. I deserved a lifetime of misery.

That’s the way I feel now. I don’t even want to die because that would be too good for me. There’s still a brain cell that knows that running away would really be no better than dying for my son because I’d still be gone. So obviously I’m not going to do it. But that’s what I feel I deserve at this point.

I wanted to tell RS the whole sorry tale of the time my son was a newborn, what happened to me directly after, and how I just fell down this path of self destruction ever since. But I couldn’t.

I’m sorry you’re going through all of that. I am new to your story so I don’t know who RS is or how old your son is.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m in a very dark place right now. I feel as though I can’t possibly handle anything more. I was already contemplating that very thing yesterday but there was an incident that just made everything so much worse.

My son and I got into a fight because he was being disrespectful by looking at his computer instead of responding to us when we were trying to tell him about his mess. When I asked him to repeat back to me what I said, he mimicked me in a demeaning tone. I was calm, I just told him for that he’d lost all his electronics and the right to watch Amazon TV. He could watch regular tv if he wanted but RS and I were going into our room until he could talk to us respectfully. He became hysterical, screaming that he was going to write me a nasty note and that he was NOT going to leave our room. I contemplated our next move, knowing I just could not sit there and allow him to engage and rage at me as it would just let him get his way. But then...then he PUSHED me. Like reached out, watching my face, and pushed me. Not hard, and not necessarily in anger. The look on his face suggested he wanted to see what would happen. Like if he would get his way if he did that. I jumped up and yelled at him to get out, go to his room, and DO NOT COME BACK. I grabbed his shoulders and told him I had never put my hands on him and I never would and it was unacceptable that he had put his hands on me. Utterly unacceptable. He started crying and darted to his room while I went to mine. And I just sat down and cried.

It just hit me how much I’ve failed him. All I’ve done since he was born was ruin his life. I had stupidly thought I could do better than my mom and I can’t. He’s like this now because I never put boundaries and discipline in place when he was younger. How could I? I was sick. I was in and out of the hospital. Then suddenly I was a single mom. Still suffering from bouts of debilitating depression. It was all I could do to make him food.

I just never should have had him. I did it for selfish reasons, and he didn’t deserve the treatment he got. I don’t know how to fix it.

I had this fantasy when I was 15 stuck in a group home. I was so horrified with myself because of how I had failed my family. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt like I didn’t even deserve to die, because I view death as the ultimate peace and it wouldn’t be fair to give myself peace. I thought I should run away to New York City and throw myself into the streets. Let them swallow me. Let anyone do whatever they wanted to me because that’s what I deserved for being such a horrible person. I deserved a lifetime of misery.

That’s the way I feel now. I don’t even want to die because that would be too good for me. There’s still a brain cell that knows that running away would really be no better than dying for my son because I’d still be gone. So obviously I’m not going to do it. But that’s what I feel I deserve at this point.

I wanted to tell RS the whole sorry tale of the time my son was a newborn, what happened to me directly after, and how I just fell down this path of self destruction ever since. But I couldn’t.

I feel honored that you would share so much of your life with us.

I want to point out some things, thoughts I have.

Do you know how many children are conceived for "selfish" reasons? Many. Maybe even most.

And there are plenty of kids who grow up with a parent who is mentally and/or physically ill. I did, in fact. But my mom's mental illness caused her to be horribly abusive at times. Your son has not had to experience that with you, which is outstanding!

It's obvious to me that you deeply love your son. Isn't that correct? Keep in mind that he's at an age when, well...kids can be really hurtful and challenging at his age.

wfc, has your son been in therapy? If he has, did it help? If not, is that a possibility?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

Down right now...

Have you been affected by the weather conditions?

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I feel honored that you would share so much of your life with us.

I want to point out some things, thoughts I have.

Do you know how many children are conceived for "selfish" reasons? Many. Maybe even most.

And there are plenty of kids who grow up with a parent who is mentally and/or physically ill. I did, in fact. But my mom's mental illness caused her to be horribly abusive at times. Your son has not had to experience that with you, which is outstanding!

It's obvious to me that you deeply love your son. Isn't that correct? Keep in mind that he's at an age when, well...kids can be really hurtful and challenging at his age.

wfc, has your son been in therapy? If he has, did it help? If not, is that a possibility?

I really appreciate your response. It makes me feel a little better. I know I am not abusive but I am neglectful and that’s how my mom was with me and my brother. It profoundly damaged us. My brother was a drug addict for years and though he doesn’t use any drugs anymore, still is an alcoholic, though he’s now in therapy and trying to cut down. Me, well...I’m me.

My son was in therapy twice, once when he was very young (about six) and for a few sessions in the beginning of the school year. He didn’t really see it as a chance to share feelings, just a place to chat with a new friend. His therapist said he didn’t really need it.

I may be catastrophizing in my mind given all the mental stress I’ve been under. My son was sour this morning when he realized I meant business about no electronics or Amazon tv at all today, but I did let him go to his computer coding lessons so he was happier after that. And he didn’t throw a fit when I told him no more extensions on his iPad time or use of his school computer when he gets home. No youtube on the tv either (which is unfortunately part of our cable package so I can’t exactly get rid of it). But he can have the Amazon tv back.

I’m thinking about getting family therapy though for me and him. I just have no idea what I’m doing, I mean what mom does, and I have no yardstick by which to judge whether his behavior is expected at his age or what I should do to respond to it. The place my pdoc is located at does family therapy but they are only virtual right now which I don’t think would be helpful. Maybe in the summer when he is at camp and I am at home all day so I’m not too exhausted to focus on it. Hopefully things will be more open by then.

[Victoria'smom]

WFC- I feel that so deeply. Your a mom that has done the best she can. Now it's time to get help for both you and your son. I know it's mostly telle-health now but I really think you should start now.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I really appreciate your response. It makes me feel a little better. I know I am not abusive but I am neglectful and that’s how my mom was with me and my brother. It profoundly damaged us. My brother was a drug addict for years and though he doesn’t use any drugs anymore, still is an alcoholic, though he’s now in therapy and trying to cut down. Me, well...I’m me.

My son was in therapy twice, once when he was very young (about six) and for a few sessions in the beginning of the school year. He didn’t really see it as a chance to share feelings, just a place to chat with a new friend. His therapist said he didn’t really need it.

I may be catastrophizing in my mind given all the mental stress I’ve been under. My son was sour this morning when he realized I meant business about no electronics or Amazon tv at all today, but I did let him go to his computer coding lessons so he was happier after that. And he didn’t throw a fit when I told him no more extensions on his iPad time or use of his school computer when he gets home. No youtube on the tv either (which is unfortunately part of our cable package so I can’t exactly get rid of it). But he can have the Amazon tv back.

I’m thinking about getting family therapy though for me and him. I just have no idea what I’m doing, I mean what mom does, and I have no yardstick by which to judge whether his behavior is expected at his age or what I should do to respond to it. The place my pdoc is located at does family therapy but they are only virtual right now which I don’t think would be helpful. Maybe in the summer when he is at camp and I am at home all day so I’m not too exhausted to focus on it. Hopefully things will be more open by then.

I think therapy by yourself could be so helpful. A therapist could give you some guidance as far as what to expect, in general, with your son at his life stage...stuff like that.

[buddha1too]

You've taken your son to a therapist & he/she said they didn't think he could benefit from therapy. That's a good sign. Children go through all kinds of developmental stages...expressing defiance is a right of passage for many kids. I know I could be very defiant! Be kind to yourself. It seems you've got your eye on the ball...that's a sign of good parenting.

[Victoria'smom]

So I got into an argument last night because my son feels he can ditch everything and study abroad. We can't provide a safety net, his plans (or lack there of) is to travel abroad without meds or accommodations, throwing away school/scholarship. It screams of a bad situation. He hasn't mentioned it today but I fear waking up and him just not being here (like moved out) due to impulse. H's friend stepped in and said he could stay with them instead of study abroad Today he agrees to not move until after graduation next year and to take his meds today.

Tomorrow is my first meeting with new T and I'm under the impression everyone hates me. Still feel my dogs going to die any second. My anxiety has had me in bed most of the day.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Have you been affected by the weather conditions?

Yea, it really got to me...
I think I'm starting to come back from it.
I'm trying hard to reach out to people.
It seems to be helping.
And I was able to get some cleaning and chores done too.
Plus go to the pharmacy finally.
Hadn't left the house in over a week.

It was another quiet day. The stay-at-home order has been lifted since Tuesday and i am astonishing myself by being content to stay in except for going to the dog-park. I was sure i would go out out out! But no. I wonder if we will have what the author David Foster Wallace called panagoraphobia (which people in his story got after a video telephony disaster) after COVID is over. I sure like ordering my groceries online and getting take-out and binge-watching Netflix.

I didn't sleep that well last night and it's cut night but i've decided to press on with the benzo taper because i slept well six out of seven nights and that's still pretty darn good. So it's my first night at 18mg Valium tonight. It seems so much!

[Soupe du jour]

wildflowerchild, sending you big hugs I'm not sure I can add much more beyond all of the important things others here have already written in support of you.

Parents can't be perfect. Children are not perfect. The whole fact you absolutely do love your son, and do show it far more than some mothers, is significant. Being a single mother is a major challenge, I'm sure. I hope he recognizes that. He sure should. I hope that soon you and he can talk about what happened and come to a peace. We all are responsible in fights to some degree. A true apology and letting bygones be bygones is crucial.

[Soupe du jour]

My house is finally looking so much more "ready". I'm feeling good about it.

Hubby and I took a nice ride to a couple small villages and forested areas. We discovered a church that dates back to the 1200s AD. It was amazing inside. And no one was there at all. That, in itself, was part of the experience.

We feel much more relaxed today. I do deep down wish we'd finally go to the grocery store, though. It might end up waiting until tomorrow. We have no yogurt, no milk, and no juice of any sort, but could do without these for another morning. At least I have a few creamers we got from a cafe on the road the other day and my strawberry cake.

[leomama]

My doctor doesn’t really care so much about diagnosis as he does about symptoms and what you want to do about them. He very much leaves it in your own hands as to how you want to deal with you.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I think therapy by yourself could be so helpful. A therapist could give you some guidance as far as what to expect, in general, with your son at his life stage...stuff like that.

Oh I’ve had a therapist for myself for six years. She’s very good. I will talk to her Tuesday.

[Moose72]

I'm listening to my new album of Rene Jacobs. I finally got the mail. Included is. My "Adult Crisis Prevention Plan". My case manager made this out and sent it to me because I asked her to.

Possible trigger:

In part, it says "Current crisis - none. Moved a while ago- stressful. 3 months. Better than last place. Symptoms- mood has improved" - and this was after I told her about the recent poems having to do with death.

Checked off are: "Isolation or avoidance behavior", Thinking of self harm" and written in- "Other: visual different methods knives, pills"

Then it lists ways to cope which are several including "write a journal. Blog about bipolar".

The rest is who to call in case of a crisis, basically.

What are your thoughts? This was filled out almost 2 months ago so I guess it wouldn't include the poetry?? Wait- it appears that the date she wrote down after her signature is "12/28/2021"??? It can't even be 2020 because it was more recently than that when she called me- but it would add up with the 3 months moving part. Just then she should've written 2020. I'm confused.

[Mountaindewed]

I didn’t sleep the greatest last night. But I got enough sleep. This morning after I took a shower my heart was pounding and I felt lightheaded. I took my blood pressure and my pulse was 101. I couldn’t eat anything because of my cat scan. I did have a piece of cheese around 2:30AM though. The stuff I had to drink tasted like a thick watered down vanilla Slim Fast. I was able to chug it pretty fast but it was pretty gross. I was super anxious so I put the Muppet Show on. Which helped my anxiety. Then I went for my CT scan and it wasn’t a big deal. The lady was nice but when I was done she said “you did great Mountaindewed!” I don’t get if people are treating me like I’m really young or if I’m mentally challenged. But I’ve had to tell my mom to back off sometimes because I want to be treated like an adult and she isn’t helpful all the time. She hovers a lot and makes sure I’m doing things right. I had to tell her to let me go to my primary by myself because she distracts me. Then after the scan I got coffee and went grocery shopping and I got lightheaded again. I am home now and I ate some spaghetti and I kinda have a bit of a headache and funny vision. But my heart is ok.

[leomama]

I have a daughter in her early 20s that is having all kinds of issues and it’s stressing me out. I didn’t sleep well last night, no deep sleep.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I'm listening to my new album of Rene Jacobs. I finally got the mail. Included is. My "Adult Crisis Prevention Plan". My case manager made this out and sent it to me because I asked her to.

Possible trigger:

In part, it says "Current crisis - none. Moved a while ago- stressful. 3 months. Better than last place. Symptoms- mood has improved" - and this was after I told her about the recent poems having to do with death.

Checked off are: "Isolation or avoidance behavior", Thinking of self harm" and written in- "Other: visual different methods knives, pills"

Then it lists ways to cope which are several including "write a journal. Blog about bipolar".

The rest is who to call in case of a crisis, basically.

What are your thoughts? This was filled out almost 2 months ago so I guess it wouldn't include the poetry?? Wait- it appears that the date she wrote down after her signature is "12/28/2021"??? It can't even be 2020 because it was more recently than that when she called me- but it would add up with the 3 months moving part. Just then she should've written 2020. I'm confused.

I'm sure she meant "12/28/2020" and just made a mistake. Can you add poetry?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm sure she meant "12/28/2020" and just made a mistake. Can you add poetry?

I just added a new poem! It's the first one- at the top.

Bipolar Hallucidations

[Scooter9]

My pdoc said Wellbutrin can cause anxiety for some people and it did that for me. I've been experiencing bad anxiety for months now.

I stopped Wellbutrin about 3 weeks ago and I feel so much better. Now that I stopped it, the anxiety is pretty much gone.

The not-so-good is that my body pains from the depression are back. But I have to choose whether I can live with body pains or anxiety - I'll go with body pains for now.

[*Beth*]

It's spring today, or might as well be. Windows open - which the cats love. My therapist has mysteriously taken the week off with only a few hours notice. Maybe she's getting the second covid vax. I took a walk to the library to return 4 books and pick up 1. Flowers are blooming everywhere! Not the roses, yet. I've been lucky to live near large rose gardens many times in my life. They'll start blooming in April.

Walking was easy today because my legs aren't feel shaky from the horrible medication (Amantadine) I'm in the process of stopping. What a relief.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

My pdoc said Wellbutrin can cause anxiety for some people and it did that for me. I've been experiencing bad anxiety for months now.

I stopped Wellbutrin about 3 weeks ago and I feel so much better. Now that I stopped it, the anxiety is pretty much gone.

The not-so-good is that my body pains from the depression are back. But I have to choose whether I can live with body pains or anxiety - I'll go with body pains for now.

Wellbutrin made me nauseous , it’s one of the medications my psychiatrist and I have been talking about. I threw up at work when I tried it.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

My pdoc said Wellbutrin can cause anxiety for some people and it did that for me. I've been experiencing bad anxiety for months now.

I stopped Wellbutrin about 3 weeks ago and I feel so much better. Now that I stopped it, the anxiety is pretty much gone.

The not-so-good is that my body pains from the depression are back. But I have to choose whether I can live with body pains or anxiety - I'll go with body pains for now.

Wellbutrin also made me anxious. Once I stopped it and increased another one of my meds it was like a light switch for awhile. I’ll probably have to go back down on my Geodon when I start working again in the summer since the morning dose that was increased makes me tired. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.