[Moose72]

I haven't done a thing today except wash my hair. I'm letting it air dry. I had plans of cleaning, but I spent the morning on the phone with Caleb. Then I washed my hair and now instead of vacuuming, I'm watching Antiques Road Show. It's over actually, Simply Ming is on- whatever that is. Probably a cooking show. Yup. Cooking show. I'm off to vacuum etc. now.

EDIT: Apartment vacuumed, swept, mopped and dusted!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by cogladaid

I talked to my doctor yesterday and he said I sounded manic, not hypomanic. So he thinks I might be bipolar 1 instead of 2. But that’s up to the psychiatrist to diagnose me.

I’m feeling not as up today with med changes. I’m still distracted and restless with racing thoughts and some grandiose thoughts.

I happened to see a post of yours on a different board and yes, what you wrote sounded like mania to me.

[leomama]

Feeling super down

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I can relate. When I was living in Germany, I had bizarre cravings for American food (they don't eat peanut butter in Germany!). Your post, however, makes me crave Czech cuisine. One of the best meals I ever had was Czech-style goulash when I visited Prague. It makes my mouth water...& I haven't had lunch yet!

I ate a particularly good goulash last week, but it was made in Brno. I was in Prague a few days ago, though. We found a most wonderful pekarna there (bakery specializing in breads). So far we haven't found as good of a one in Brno, but then again we haven't explored enough to know if there isn't.

I confess I brought a couple jars of peanut butter from the US. I have seen peanut butter in a Czech grocery store, but it looked like natural peanut butter. Oddly, I happen to particularly like Skippy lowered fat PB the best. It's more whipped, doesn't stick to the roof of my mouth, and is sweetened more than most. Basically chemical central, but it does taste good. Today I found and bought maple syrup, but it was quite expensive. In the US, I often used sugar free syrup, but I know real maple is yummiest. I'll just use it sparingly. By the way, I just bought a new waffle maker from Amazon.de.

Strangely, Czech stores have a lot of Tex-Mex type products. I'm happy about that. That cuisine has always been on my regular roster.

I do like Czech cuisine, but am not used to eating it so much.

[Mountaindewed]

I had my last therapy session. It went well and I’m kinda numb about it right now. But I feel good. The first thing I mentioned was that I felt the email thing was confusing and how she kept putting boundaries in and then taking them out and sending emails first asking how I was feeling. And she apologized and said she should have put strong boundaries in the beginning. Then I told her that I felt kinda let down because I really wanted to be back in person and I felt like if I had known it wasn’t going to be a temporary thing I would have done things differently. She said that she didn’t know what was going on and she really expected to be gone just a month and then things kept happening and things were pushed back and all over the place. I asked her what the 90’s were like since I always wanted to know. We talked about my cat scan a bit but we didn’t really talk about the medical stuff a lot. She said that she will call the new therapist on Thursday morning and she said the new therapist almost seems like a unicorn. Like a perfect fit. I said I was kinda worried about her age. I asked her if she had listened to that song. She said she read the lyrics and asked why I wanted her to listen to it. I said “I don’t know. It just seems like what I’m going through” and she said that she knows I move on and forget people easily but that she wants me to kinda keep transference in mind. Not sure what she meant by that. Maybe transference about the new therapist.

We talked about books for a bit. I asked her if she read The Babysitters Club books. Another question I was always wondering. She said yeah and she read Sweet Valley. And I said I read those and that I read a ton when I was a kid and it was basically all I did. She asked if I still read and I said yeah I read a lot now. I mentioned that I was reading The Diary Of A Wimpy Kid books and I felt kinda goofy reading them but they were super distracting. And like I thought she was totally cool about it and said that it’s ok to read whatever and a book is a book. Then she asked if that was the genre I liked and I said no that I’m kind of all over the place with what I read. I like classics like Charles Dickens and Brave New World and that I read The Diary Of A Wimpy Kid books but then I also like non fiction and books on folklore. She asked me what my favorite book was and I told her.

Then right before we ended she looked kinda emotional and she said a couple things and I said “it’s been interesting....” and she was like “yes it has.” Then she said bye and then we just kinda looked at each other for several seconds before she signed off.

So yeah that’s the end of that. I honestly feel much better then I thought I was going to feel. I thought I’d be an emotional wreck ending things with her. I’d been putting this off for 9 months thinking it would be impossible to handle. I didn’t know I’d feel so good once I actually did it.

[*Beth*]

Mountaindewed Wow! Congratulations! btw, I think the '90's were loads of fun.

[cogladaid]

I posted this in another thread in the psychosis section figured it fit here too:

I'm trying to focus on studying for my ethics course. Thinking about ethics and philosophy brings forward those thoughts I've been having. I need to study my math and I want to know now I have to get the equation to answer the question of God once and for all I will change the world with this answer I just need to get my skills up in math to do it. Ugh why does everything take so long to do I need to focus.

It's hard to focus. My mind goes too fast and I can't always hear what it's saying. Other thoughts I feel are being stolen.

Logically I know it's not real... right? It's not real I'm just manic. Huh, manic. Really the thought of having the label of bipolar 1 instead of 2 doesn't really change anything about who I am, but it just feels different. Like my identity has changed but I know I'm still me.

I just need to focus. Focus on studying tonight. Working tomorrow. Studying after work. I need to pass all my courses so I can change the world.

[Sunflower123]

This sunshine is really helping my mood. It was 70F here today. I have an appointment with my NP tomorrow and my therapist is fitting me in Thursday. At the time, I was in the type of depression that put me into bed for months to years in the past. I guess I should look at the shorter duration as progress? I feel sheepish now about these appointments and don’t know what to say to them. I’m feeling better.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

This sunshine is really helping my mood. It was 70F here today. I have an appointment with my NP tomorrow and my therapist is fitting me in Thursday. At the time, I was in the type of depression that put me into bed for months to years in the past. I guess I should look at the shorter duration as progress? I feel sheepish now about these appointments and don’t know what to say to them. I’m feeling better.

Hi Jennifer, keep the appointments

[bizi]

Jennifer, go with the flow of your next appointments.answer their questions honestly. they will be happy with you.
bizi

@Jennifer 1967: I'm so glad to hear you are feeling well again! It was natural to be concerned given your patterns in the past. Just happy that your depression did not last long this time. It's still a good idea to keep your doctor informed so they can help you appropriately in the future.

I like sunshine too!

My dog and i enjoyed the thick flurries today, they were so pretty. I got to some housework that i wasn't looking forward to but it went smoothly and i feel better for having got it done. Slept fine, benzo taper moving along well. I ordered meds and the pharmacist remembered me, so it was nice to have his support. Things are going much better with the pharmacy. The last several deliveries have gone without incident. For a while there it was a nightmare but we are working well together now.

[Soupe du jour]

Cogalaid, don't be hard on yourself if you don't discover the meaning of God or life. No one has before you, I don't think. Some questions simply have no answers or are not meant to be answered. Good luck with your studies and take care.

Jennifer, all the best at your appointments.

[Soupe du jour]

The stress/anxiety was too much for me last night. I had to take an Ativan. I'm starting to dread sleeping in the bed upstairs. The only bed we have at this moment. I am locked against the wall, a horrible feeling! When exhausted from labor, stress, and Seroquel XR it is painful doing the figurative gymnastics needed to get out of it, but I must not just in the morning, but midnight trips to the bathroom. Hubby hasn't once offered to switch places. He wouldn't want to. I told him I may finally move downstairs to the futon. Without him.

Part of the anxiety in trying to fall asleep is that I quickly wake up with a start and fear of suffocating. I don't have sleep apnea. I believe it is related to the horrible experience of anesthesia awareness one time during a first ECT treatment. I am also slightly disturbed by the hand and sometimes feet tingling and numbness I only experience upon awakening or falling asleep. This latter is not related to past anesthesia awareness, but likely my blood pressure medication or something else. I have experienced this for many weeks now in various beds, so I can't blame a bed. However, during my anesthesia awareness episode, I was paralyzed by the succinylcholine, which caused the greatest terror. Any feeling like that is bound to exacerbate matters.

We're having an ant infestation in our bathroom and kitchen. It started with a few, now there's an army. Hubby is waging war on them. I hope they go away or die off soon.

[*Beth*]

Awake from a flat-out nightmare I had about my sister friend (she died on 2/8). In the dream, I acutely felt her extreme desperation, the reasons she was drinking, and why she died. I saw her throughout our lives, saw how desperate she was to find her own voice and how she was discouraged from doing so, and how she didn't know how to do so. I saw and felt her extraordinary need to break free of the chains of her life. It felt like she was a ghost in such miserable distress. I feel like the dream was insightful and maybe tomorrow, in the light, I'll be able to sort it out. Right now though I'm trying to put the nightmare away and out of my entire beingness.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m feeling pretty good today. I actually just feel normal... I don’t feel like I did something major yesterday. But I’m not missing my therapist either. I’m just onto the next person. I move on and forget people quite easily. My new therapist will be my 4th one in 10 years. One I was with from Jan 2011-Feb 2015. The next one was March 2015-December 2018. I did try out a couple new therapists in summer 2018 when I was switching pdocs but I only saw them about 2-3 times each and then I ended up going back to the other one until right before Christmas 2018. then the last one was April 2019-yesterday.

But yeah I’m not having a difficult time at all today. I don’t have any anxiety or depression or anything. I feel ok physically too.

I also haven’t listened to the songs With Or Without You or the song Halls either. Which I was listening to multiple times a night. Hopefully I got those out of my system as well.

[Mountaindewed]

I was also yesterday able to take care of my snack subscription box. I couldn’t get into my account to skip months. I had been putting it off but next month I really can’t afford the $49. So I decided to just email them. I actually do really well with emailing anyone including customer service people. So they were able to get me back into my account. My email had a typo in it that was the issue of why I wasn’t getting order or shipping confirmations. I am glad that is fixed because it was a stressor.

I really want Nerd gummy clusters. My mom is going to Walmart and she said she’d get some for me.

And my unfriendly cat who used to hiss at me is so friendly towards me now. He even came up to me and sat on the chair of the recliner and just stared at me. It really impressed my mom. I am sort of worried he’s smelling some kind of disease. But I love that he’s paying attention to me now.

[Soupe du jour]

I decided to move downstairs to the futon in the living room. Hubby is a little sad by that, but I am already loving it. I also sort of moved my stuff into the second (smaller) bathroom. For some reason I prefer that bathroom over the bigger quasi fancier one. Plus, it's even closer to the living room and what will be our future bedroom. No stairs to deal with! Beeline there, or even the kitchen, from where I'm sleeping. Also, having the futon to myself, I am sleeping on the side where I can easily swing my legs out of bed, not have to somersault or do a handspring down it. I also have the coffee table within reach where I can easily grab my glasses, a glass of water, and even my laptop. Simple pleasures!

As sort of a "sorry" gesture, I did change the linens to Hubby's bed upstairs and made it look comfier. He said he might join me in the futon in the middle of the night. I told him that if he does, he has to sleep by the window. Doing so would make it tough for him to get out. Somersaults wouldn't work. He'd need to stand up and jump over me, the headboard, or the footboard. Alternatively, he could jump out of the window. Directly there, outside, is a rather fancy dog house. Literally.

We have to get up early again. A man is coming to pick up all of our empty cardboard moving boxes, and other trash. Everything has to be so early! I set my phone alarm and Hubby's alarm clock.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I decided to move downstairs to the futon in the living room. Hubby is a little sad by that, but I am already loving it. I also sort of moved my stuff into the second (smaller) bathroom. For some reason I prefer that bathroom over the bigger quasi fancier one. Plus, it's even closer to the living room and what will be our future bedroom. No stairs to deal with! Beeline there, or even the kitchen, from where I'm sleeping. Also, having the futon to myself, I am sleeping on the side where I can easily swing my legs out of bed, not have to somersault or do a handspring down it. I also have the coffee table within reach where I can easily grab my glasses, a glass of water, and even my laptop. Simple pleasures!

As sort of a "sorry" gesture, I did change the linens to Hubby's bed upstairs and made it look comfier. He said he might join me in the futon in the middle of the night. I told him that if he does, he has to sleep by the window. Doing so would make it tough for him to get out. Somersaults wouldn't work. He'd need to stand up and jump over me, the headboard, or the footboard. Alternatively, he could jump out of the window. Directly there, outside, is a rather fancy dog house. Literally.

We have to get up early again. A man is coming to pick up all of our empty cardboard moving boxes, and other trash. Everything has to be so early! I set my phone alarm and Hubby's alarm clock.

Sleeping habits are as unique as the individual. I have my bed against the wall, under a large window. I sleep against the wall; I feel safest that way. And I have to have the window open some when I sleep (fortunately, I'm on the second floor). Getting out of bed is tricky, though. It's like trying to crawl out of a giant marshmallow.

I'm so glad your sleeping situation is improved. That's very important.

[Moose72]

I just got home from the grocery store. Got everything wiped down and put away. Now I took my socks off and have my balcony door cracked open for the fresh air. It's 52 today and a great proportion of the snow has melted (though not all of course- the big parking lot mounds are still there just smaller). I turned the heat off because its 73 in here and it's supposed to be 68.

Disney+ isn't working again. Same problem as last time! Same symptoms anyway. I tried to watch the Muppets earlier and it gave me the same error message as several weeks ago. My mom is working on it from her end. I hope they called Disney+. I'm really enjoying the muppets. It's funny and reminds me of my childhood. My dad used put it on and watch too!

EDIT: Disney plus is working again after almost 2 hours on the phone! I wish it wouldn't go out in the first place.

In the beginning of this episode, the muppets sang a funny song called "I'm my own grandpa". I laughed!

[VerMOZZica]

I haven`t been sleeping well lately. Well insomnia has always been a problem for me .I do have to take meds to get any sleep at all. Lately it`s been really bad I just can`t get to sleep at night and when I finally do get sleep I wake up during the night or early morning. As an added bonus I have been really irritable . I`ve also been depressed but I`m always depressed but I`ve just feeling worse than usual. I`m sorry for venting but that`s just how I`m feeling right now and I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.
Hugs to all that want them. I hope all of you are feeling better and If your not I hope you feel better soon.

I've been getting a fair bit of pleasure out of my days recently. I started a correspondence with someone and have been enjoying that. Today i joined the modern world and got a Keurig coffeemaker so i can finally make a decent cup of coffee at home. Hopefully it will be easier to get up knowing i have that to look forward to.

My dog has a busy week next week with an exam, her seasonal meds and her grooming. It will come to about $500 but she's worth it. I won't make my monthly savings goal but lots of other months i exceed it so it'll all average out.

I didn't go in Scrabble club tonight and i didn't miss it. It's okay to take a break since last week was so disastrous.

Slept fine last night, benzo taper continuing to go well.

Hugs to all who need them!

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I've been getting a fair bit of pleasure out of my days recently. I started a correspondence with someone and have been enjoying that. Today i joined the modern world and got a Keurig coffeemaker so i can finally make a decent cup of coffee at home. Hopefully it will be easier to get up knowing i have that to look forward to.

My dog has a busy week next week with an exam, her seasonal meds and her grooming. It will come to about $500 but she's worth it. I won't make my monthly savings goal but lots of other months i exceed it so it'll all average out.

I didn't go in Scrabble club tonight and i didn't miss it. It's okay to take a break since last week was so disastrous.

Slept fine last night, benzo taper continuing to go well.

Hugs to all who need them!

I'm glad to read that things are going pretty well for you. And your doggie is being so well cared for. Hopefully her beauty shop days make up for uncomfortable vet stuff.

We have a regular coffee maker, but have also had a Tassmimo for espresso. We really liked it! We don't have it now only because of the voltage difference between the US and Europe.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by VerMOZZica

I haven`t been sleeping well lately. Well insomnia has always been a problem for me .I do have to take meds to get any sleep at all. Lately it`s been really bad I just can`t get to sleep at night and when I finally do get sleep I wake up during the night or early morning. As an added bonus I have been really irritable . I`ve also been depressed but I`m always depressed but I`ve just feeling worse than usual. I`m sorry for venting but that`s just how I`m feeling right now and I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.
Hugs to all that want them. I hope all of you are feeling better and If your not I hope you feel better soon.

I hope your sleep improves soon. Perhaps your moods need to be addressed with your doctor to get your sleep back on track. Also, have you added on some extra sleep hygiene strategies? I find sounds are helpful for me when I go through interrupted sleep periods. That's when I use my sound machine, and keep it on all night long. Sometimes I don't need it if nature, itself, provides such sounds.

[Soupe du jour]

I slept downstairs on the futon last night. I liked it, but Hubby missed me.

We hired a man to take away many folded moving boxes and other trash. We're glad it's gone, but he and the cleaning crew that came last week, were overpriced. We think that them knowing we came from the US played a part in that. Hubby speaks Czech (and likely without a foreign accent), but they do eventually figure out we came from the US. If not because of me, because of other subtle hints. We won't hire them again. We'll look for someone in the future that doesn't charge a "foreigner surcharge".

Yesterday we did another huge grocery shopping trip. Afterwards, we sat and analyzed the bill. It's odd how some items (like anything bread-like, flours, sugar) are rock bottom cheap, but others are more expensive than in the US. For example, a can of tuna is like a luxury item here, while at Shoprite in NJ, you can get 10 cans for very little during their "Can Can Sale".