[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Ursula Shackleton

Yeah, after my mom's cancer got horrible in February, it was just really downhill until about the beginning of this month. I'm sure you know how triggers can make things an extra special party *rolls eyes.* But yes! I'm excited because it'll be the first time I see my aunt and uncle since my mother's funeral, and my son is excited. All that giddiness about his birthday is just infectious. Selectrics are pretty old school. The red one here looks pretty much exactly like mine: IBM Selectric - The Vintage Technology Association

I love that typewriter! I have a typewriter, too...I so enjoy using it occasionally.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

@Lizzie1813 and others:

I have a perspective from the other side of things. I am emotionally estranged from my mother in the sense that I have no desire to share my life with her but I will speak with her on a surface level. My brother is almost 100% estranged from her. Part of the reason is because after our dad died she collapsed into her own depression. She never even tried to get help, she just let it overtake her and neglected us emotionally. She very rarely said I love you or even did basic things like make or at least provide meals, clean, etc.

My brother is desperate to have a relationship with her and she rebuffs him at every turn. This fuels my anger. I have forgiven the past. What’s done is done. But it’s her behavior NOW that I have an issue with.

My point is if you are getting the help you need and trying to improve yourself, your son may still come around. If my mother ever acknowledged that she needed help back then or even better attempted to seek help now, I would be more willing to interact with her. So hopefully your son will see how committed you are to recovery and take that to heart eventually.

I have been a wonderful mom to both of my children; I've no doubt about that. My daughter is angry with me because I made the foolish mistake of giving her email address to her biological father. He lives in another country and has never had any contact with her...she was adopted by, and raised by, my husband. Her bio. father contacted me 2 years ago and sounded like he really wanted to reach out to my daughter for good reasons. I was sooo stupid to fall for it, so gave him her contact info. Well, turned out that she was extremely angry at him and, by turns, at me. It will take some time for her to work through the challenges she's facing. It tears me up, but I am respecting her need for space, and keeping in touch with her through letters - even though she's not ready to reply to me.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I hate people that need to be rude to others. Life is short why cant people be nice !!!

Bizi is on vacation visiting family.. She should be returning soon

That's right - I thought her vacation was happening in July...then I said to myself It IS July I was still stuck back in June.

[Mountaindewed]

At this exact moment I feel ok. But I just took 2 Valium at once 15 minutes ago. Before I was pretty anxious. I’m not doing anything today but my sister is coming over with the kids. I tried going to baskin Robbins because it’s national ice cream day and it said online that if you buy $10 worth of stuff you’ll get free kinetic sand. So I waited in the drive thru line for 10 minutes and of course the employees had no idea what I was talking about. So I just got a $3 iced tea.

But last night I slept under 20 pounds of weighted blankets for 10 hours. I only ate about 500 calories yesterday. Today I ate a piece of pizza and some satellite wafers. I don’t really like those things but I like the texture so I guess it’s just a sensory food. They are really hard to find and I got them on my trip at a candy shop. Bed Bath And Beyond used to have them when they had their World Market food section. But they got rid of that section of the store.

So yeah right now I feel ok. Last night was rough and I had some thoughts but I just took my melatonin and my Geodons and went right to bed. My weighted blankets helped a ton.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

My post got zero hugs or thanks and the next one plus every ****ing one before that got tons. What gives?

Lizzie I think is a new member and I had mentioned in one of my posts that no new members plus myself were getting any support. Now the new people are getting support but I’m still not. And these aren’t even ****ing med OD posts I’m posting.

Well whoopdi ****ing doo at least my job is done.

I read everyone of your posts! I might not reply but I am always interested in what's going on with you.

[Moose72]

I just typed up a long post but my phone froze up so I guess it wasn't meant to be. Better left unsaid.

[Moose72]

I've been feeling paranoid the last couple days. Thought I lost an important personal notebook and was convinced someone had it and was logging into my bank account! I will have to go to the bank tomorrow. And then I was paranoid about that and about someone getting irate with me which actually happened today. I feel paranoid.

I want to makes pasta salad for dinner tonight. It should be good. Should've run the dishwasher earlier though.

I hate being paranoid. I really did think someone had stolen my little motebook and was logging into my account. Better change my paasswords!

[Mountaindewed]

I’m waiting for my dumb ramen to get delivered by Amazon. In the meantime I stopped at a gas station and a Walgreens looking for Quest peanut butter cups. I couldn’t find them at either place. That specific kind of ramen and peanut butter protein cups are the only things I’m interested in eating. So I’m just sitting here really hungry until the ramen gets here which may not be until 10PM. I’m probably just gonna have to make some other kind since I have a ton of variety. Then I’ll have to go out to the Vitamin Shoppe in the morning since they seem to be the only place that has them. Atkins and Slim Fast make them too but the protein is only 2grams. So why not just eat a regular Reese’s for that amount of protein and work it into your diet.

And I just got an email from Baskin Robbins telling me about the promotion that the employees at the one I went to this morning had no idea what I was talking about.

Whatever.

But my anxiety isn’t bad today after the 2 Valium at one time at noon.

Edit: I ate soy sauce ramen instead. Now both my hunger and anxiety are under control. I honestly couldn’t tell the difference as usual. I think it was just hunger though. I’m still super low on calories but too lazy and not hungry to eat anything else.

Edit again: my anxiety is still pretty sucky. I’ve taken an extra Valium at least 5 times. Which means I am now short a few days. This PMDD isn’t as bad as it usually is, I’m not even really realizing I’m dealing with PMS. It’s there though. But not like it has been this year.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I've been feeling paranoid the last couple days. Thought I lost an important personal notebook and was convinced someone had it and was logging into my bank account! I will have to go to the bank tomorrow. And then I was paranoid about that and about someone getting irate with me which actually happened today. I feel paranoid.

I want to makes pasta salad for dinner tonight. It should be good. Should've run the dishwasher earlier though.

I hate being paranoid. I really did think someone had stolen my little motebook and was logging into my account. Better change my paasswords!

I was scared to say Lady Gaga’s name for a few years because I thought it would make me sound funny and someone would laugh. In 2011 when I finally did say her name someone did laugh at me. And I wasn’t being funny. I just said “you know that guy on AGT who sang the Lady Gaga songs?” It doesn’t happen too often, things like that coming true, but when it does it can make things tough.

[Lizzie1813]

I cried during church today as I have every Sunday for the past two months. It’s so embarrassing to lose control like that. As I mentioned on the “sensitivity” thread, every message has triggered me because they seem to hit me in my pain about my son’s estrangement. Today’s message was, “Does God give us too much to handle?” For me, the answer is, “Yes!” I’m sinking in spite of meds, my pdoc trying to help, and weekly therapy. Not sure what I can do. I’m sorry if this post is triggering for people. It’s not intentional. I just need to get this out.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m waiting for my dumb ramen to get delivered by Amazon. In the meantime I stopped at a gas station and a Walgreens looking for Quest peanut butter cups. I couldn’t find them at either place. That specific kind of ramen and peanut butter protein cups are the only things I’m interested in eating. So I’m just sitting here really hungry until the ramen gets here which may not be until 10PM. I’m probably just gonna have to make some other kind since I have a ton of variety. Then I’ll have to go out to the Vitamin Shoppe in the morning since they seem to be the only place that has them. Atkins and Slim Fast make them too but the protein is only 2grams. So why not just eat a regular Reese’s for that amount of protein and work it into your diet.

And I just got an email from Baskin Robbins telling me about the promotion that the employees at the one I went to this morning had no idea what I was talking about.

Whatever.

But my anxiety isn’t bad today after the 2 Valium at one time at noon.

Edit: I ate soy sauce ramen instead. Now both my hunger and anxiety are under control. I honestly couldn’t tell the difference as usual. I think it was just hunger though. I’m still super low on calories but too lazy and not hungry to eat anything else.

Edit again: my anxiety is still pretty sucky. I’ve taken an extra Valium at least 5 times. Which means I am now short a few days. This PMDD isn’t as bad as it usually is, I’m not even really realizing I’m dealing with PMS. It’s there though. But not like it has been this year.

I’m so sorry you are having anxiety. I’m glad you ate something. That’s good. I hope you feel better.

[*Beth*]

Hi all, I'm checking in to let you know that I'm moving my computer (my dear old Dell). The cable dude has to hook everything up in my new place tomorrow, so I won't be online for a day.

Cherry or lemon snow cones all around!

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hi all, I'm checking in to let you know that I'm moving my computer (my dear old Dell). The cable dude has to hook everything up in my new place tomorrow, so I won't be online for a day.

Cherry or lemon snow cones all around!

See you soon! ❤️

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hi all, I'm checking in to let you know that I'm moving my computer (my dear old Dell). The cable dude has to hook everything up in my new place tomorrow, so I won't be online for a day.

Cherry or lemon snow cones all around!

🍒 please! Hope your computer hook up went smoothly!

[wildflowerchild25]

Last night we had some really crazy storms! Like nonstop lightning, huge cracks of thunder, torrential rain…my son is totally scared of severe storms and tbh I am too but I have to play it cool around him. Our power flickered a few Times but never went out completely thank goodness. The first round came through around 5-6pmand we were all just chilling in the living room watching it so I wasn’t too freaked out. But the second round came at like 11:45pm and I was the only one awake still and I was absolutely terrified. I was checking the radar every few minutes to see when it would move out so I could relax and try to sleep. But it was all ok, no damage in my area. Just a lot of noise and rain!

Today it was actually in the low 80s for the first time in weeks so we took advantage and went to a historic village about an hour south of us. It was very cool. Original buildings that had been restored and preserved, some you could even walk into and tour quickly. I love stuff like that. My son started to whine about the heat and he was thirsty and the suns too bright etc etc. but I just said every time you whine we are staying longer because me and RS are having fun! He gave it up eventually.

Tomorrow I am able to start trauma group with my program so that’s good, although I wish it was still the weekend. I’m getting overwhelmed by wedding things and I wish I could convince RS to just go to the courthouse! We’re not even having a big wedding!

[bizi]

Hi, I just got back from our trip up north to visit friends and families.
It is hard being gone for almost 2 weeks. glad to be home.
Later in august we will stay on the beach for 3 nights, it will be our 25th anniversary of being married. We were going to take a big trip but it was too rushed to try to plan and because of the pandemic I am not sure I want to leave our continent this year.
bizi

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

It freaked people out when I said I wanted to join the 27 club. I’m 28 now. Tried until the day before I turned 28 in February. Felt like a failure on my birthday. I should probably take my normal amount of Geodon right now and ask my mom to hide my meds in order to quite these thoughts.

please be careful with the geodon.don't mess with your doses unless your doctor says it is ok. I got off of mine it was at the highest dose 80mg twice a day. Coming off of it was very difficult, I was psychotic for weeks. When I came home after that month hubby said I came home too early.

last year I was hospital one month then IOP Intensive out patient for 5 weeks until I finally saw that it was no longer helping me and I needed to go home and work on my business. I needed to get back to work.
I say all of this because I can relate to you, it is no fun having the police come and take you away. And then being tethered in 5 way restraints.
no fun at all.
bizi

I am feeling depressed.

today, in the UK, is freedom day (basically a lifting of any lockdown restrictions that still remain)
so now: not only can I no longer use lockdown as a safety net, but I'm sat here thinking.. where the **** is my freedom?. everyone has some, but what about
mine?

my life really does suck- specially when you get to days like today and realise how little you had before as well as now..

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Last night we had some really crazy storms! Like nonstop lightning, huge cracks of thunder, torrential rain…my son is totally scared of severe storms and tbh I am too but I have to play it cool around him. Our power flickered a few Times but never went out completely thank goodness. The first round came through around 5-6pmand we were all just chilling in the living room watching it so I wasn’t too freaked out. But the second round came at like 11:45pm and I was the only one awake still and I was absolutely terrified. I was checking the radar every few minutes to see when it would move out so I could relax and try to sleep. But it was all ok, no damage in my area. Just a lot of noise and rain!

Today it was actually in the low 80s for the first time in weeks so we took advantage and went to a historic village about an hour south of us. It was very cool. Original buildings that had been restored and preserved, some you could even walk into and tour quickly. I love stuff like that. My son started to whine about the heat and he was thirsty and the suns too bright etc etc. but I just said every time you whine we are staying longer because me and RS are having fun! He gave it up eventually.

Tomorrow I am able to start trauma group with my program so that’s good, although I wish it was still the weekend. I’m getting overwhelmed by wedding things and I wish I could convince RS to just go to the courthouse! We’re not even having a big wedding!

I’m sorry you were upset by the storms. They really ramp up my anxiety, too. I’m glad there wasn’t any damage. Your trip sounds like a lot of fun! Where was the historic town? I love that sort of thing. I think it’s wonderful that you’ll be starting a new group in your program. I hope you find it to be helpful and healing. Good luck with the wedding plans!

[Lizzie1813]

I’m okay this morning, not feeling anxious, and my depression doesn’t feel as severe as it was the last few days. Part of that is probably because I enjoyed lunch at Olive Garden plus shopping at Bargain Hunt with my cousin and her husband. I don’t get out much except for church because of moderate agoraphobia so I was proud of myself. I talk to my therapist via Zoom at 9:30. I want to discuss my finances and my emotional spending. I’ve never worked with anyone on this, and I really need to do better. I am on disability so my income is fixed. I pay my bills on time, but I spend the rest on unnecessary things, things I convince myself I desperately need. What happens then is I don’t have the money for emergencies. I have a savings account, but there’s only $5 in it. I think if I can get to the root of my emotional need to spend, I’ll be in a better place financially.

I hope everyone is having a good day.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by bizi

please be careful with the geodon.don't mess with your doses unless your doctor says it is ok. I got off of mine it was at the highest dose 80mg twice a day. Coming off of it was very difficult, I was psychotic for weeks. When I came home after that month hubby said I came home too early.

last year I was hospital one month then IOP Intensive out patient for 5 weeks until I finally saw that it was no longer helping me and I needed to go home and work on my business. I needed to get back to work.
I say all of this because I can relate to you, it is no fun having the police come and take you away. And then being tethered in 5 way restraints.
no fun at all.
bizi

Last night I took 180. Two 80’s and a 20. Which is what I’m supposed to take but I took it all at night. Then I took an extra melatonin and an extra Valium at the same time. It legit helped with my anxiety though. I fell into this deep sleep for 9 or 10 hours straight. Thanks for your concern and I’m sorry that happened to you.

I often kinda liked? 5 point restraints and I would tell one of my therapists how I wanted to go to the hospital just to be restrained. But if I use my weighted blankets I’d feel better. And she said “yeah then it’s a sensory issue.” So now whenever I feel like that I use my weighted blankets and it helps. I also got a weighted vest too which helps with the feeling of wanting a chest restraint. I did have my legs restrained during surgery in June for safety reasons. So I wouldn’t fall.

But what would happen if I was legit honest with my therapist about my med situation and also my food restriction which are both connected? I’m worried she’ll switch me to someone else or send me IP or to IOP when I’m trying to get back to work. If this delta thing doesn’t get out of hand that is. Being switched to someone else is why I didn’t tell my other therapist for so long about my issues.

[Daonnachd]

Good morning, all.

I'm likely quitting my job this week. I've already dropped off my CV at a grocer's and had a brief interview but I need to let my boss know I'm leaving. This will not be easy as they have nobody to replace me. It's just so much pressure I can't handle it.

[Fuzzybear]

It's sweltering here in our cave. I'm more tired than usual. We have a nice spacious cave with a garden. No air conditioning though.

It's good to see you back, D

Just my 2 cents, about ''missing members'' or people who are ''quiet''... it is usually not anyone's ''fault''.. I miss a few people who I was quite close to here And I know I did not ''do'' or ''say'' anything ''wrong''....

[Fuzzybear]

Reading some older posts on here. I thought of posting to an older gratitude thread

Love to those who used to be here

[Mountaindewed]

Honestly some members do leave because of other people. It may not happen all the time, but some do.