[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Ursula Shackleton

I've been lurking here with the check-in because I admit my brain doesn't follow the kind of backwards conversation all that well, but I thought I'd pop in and give it a shot. Today has been good. Just A LOT of cleaning for my son's 13th birthday party. He's such a good helper too, a sweetheart. My house got so super messy over the winter when I fell into a massive depression, but I'm hanging in there. Last week, I managed to clean out my office enough to get my red IBM Selectric in here. Such a beautiful hum that typewriter has <3 Hope all is well with everyone else here, or at least as good as it gets

13th birthday. Cool! He's now a teen. All the best to your son on that special day.

Sounds like you're approaching cleaning in a good way. One step (or room) at a time. I suggest patting yourself on the back after each accomplishment. That's how I succeeded best with such projects.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

I’ve come to the realization that I will always be sad. Not having my son in my life anymore is more than I can bear. My pdoc says the loss is what’s causing my depression. How can I move forward knowing he doesn’t want me to be a part of his life? I just don’t see a way through this.

I'm sorry if I didn't catch an earlier post of yours on this. Is your son estranged from you? Did you have a fight with him? If so, I think in most cases, though it can take time, there comes peace again. At 18, it can be his journey to realize estrangement should end. Or if he's not estranged, but just more MIA, I can see that hurting some parents, but it's not at all uncommon. I think young men, in particular, like to make the break, but also some women. All parents must let go of their adult kids at some point. Not doing so is detrimental to all involved. I realize that in current generations young adults hang on to their parents longer than they used to...compared to my generation. However, there are always the young adults that are very eager to fly the coop. My siblings and I were, and it was no real reflection on my parents. And my parents only prospered after my departure (I was the youngest child of three). I had to laugh about that.

I hope you will connect with your 18 year old, but celebrate his new found independence. I am also sure your soon to be 13 year old will relish, to at least some degree, the departure of his 18 year old brother. Again, that would not necessarily be a reflection on their relationship, either. It's just natural.

Eighteen is a marvelous age, I think. It is the beginning of what I feel are the best educational years of a person's life. Not so much continued education from parents, but education in independence. And mistakes and hard knocks are among the best lessons, especially ones experienced, dealt with, and accepted mostly on/as one's own. Of course I have a particularly strong Western philosophical viewpoint. I realize others disagree, and sometimes for good reasons.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m going to call around next week so I can set up an appointment with a gynecologist. Last night was bad. I took my usual night stuff and I found a muscle relaxer so I took that too. I got so tired and dizzy. My mom brought pizza home for dinner. I had taken my meds around 5:30. But she brought the pizza home at 6 and I was like stumbling into the kitchen. I was having. Trouble getting the pizza out of the box. So my mom helped me. Then I took it into my room and I was having a physically hard time holding the pizza and I dropped it twice on my shirt. Sauce side down. Then when I was done I instantly fell asleep until 11:45. I got up to try to get something to eat and I was so stumbly. I walked into a wall. I drank a caffeine free soda and then I fell back asleep again until 10 minutes ago. Which isn’t a bad time. The sun will be starting to rise in half an hour and if I were working I’d have to get up at this time.

But the muscle relaxers are now gone and I can’t get another refill

I emailed my therapist and she doesn’t have any openings for next week but she put me on her list and asked if I tried any meditation breathing or coloring. She seemed happy to hear from me though. She said hi moubtaindewed! With the excalamation mark. I mentioned my roid rage from not having my shot yet so I think she knew her she was talking to. I don’t think she has any other trans clients because she didn’t understand what top surgery was until I explained it. She didn’t respond to my email responding to hers though.

I hope these next 9 days aren’t as bad as yesterday afternoon or night. I got my shot yesterday around 3:30. So I’m hoping tonight isn’t like the other Saturday nights the 9th day before my period. My shots used to be Saturday mornings which is why Saturday nights are so bad.. But now that I realize it that just means Friday nights are now the bad night.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m going to call around next week so I can set up an appointment with a gynecologist. Last night was bad. I took my usual night stuff and I found a muscle relaxer so I took that too. I got so tired and dizzy. My mom brought pizza home for dinner. I had taken my meds around 5:30. But she brought the pizza home at 6 and I was like stumbling into the kitchen. I was having. Trouble getting the pizza out of the box. So my mom helped me. Then I took it into my room and I was having a physically hard time holding the pizza and I dropped it twice on my shirt. Sauce side down. Then when I was done I instantly fell asleep until 11:45. I got up to try to get something to eat and I was so stumbly. I walked into a wall. I drank a caffeine free soda and then I fell back asleep again until 10 minutes ago. Which isn’t a bad time. The sun will be starting to rise in half an hour and if I were working I’d have to get up at this time.

But the muscle relaxers are now gone and I can’t get another refill

I emailed my therapist and she doesn’t have any openings for next week but she put me on her list and asked if I tried any meditation breathing or coloring. She seemed happy to hear from me though. She said hi moubtaindewed! With the excalamation mark. I mentioned my roid rage from not having my shot yet so I think she knew her she was talking to. I don’t think she has any other trans clients because she didn’t understand what top surgery was until I explained it. She didn’t respond to my email responding to hers though.

I hope these next 9 days aren’t as bad as yesterday afternoon or night. I got my shot yesterday around 3:30. So I’m hoping tonight isn’t like the other Saturday nights the 9th day before my period. My shots used to be Saturday mornings which is why Saturday nights are so bad.. But now that I realize it that just means Friday nights are now the bad night.

That sounds scary, that reaction from the muscle relaxer.

I do hope you will get relief from the discomforts you have been receiving. My hope is that the underlying issues are eased, so that you won't have (or more want) to take chemicals to ease them. One doesn't want to add a new major problem on top of another. Believe me, I know.

[Soupe du jour]

Yesterday I had major gastrointestinal distress. I took some OTC meds,, including charcoal. That did the trick. I feel much better today.

Hubby was telling me about a battery going dead...and he mentioned our GPS Tom Tom. I thought he only mentioned the Tom Tom itself, but he later clarified it is our car battery that's dead. Ugh! We currently have only one car, so that means we are stuck without transportation. He looked and we do have some kind of road assistance, but are unsure what it includes. Being Saturday it's not sure when we'll get some help. Hubby doesn't think a jump start will do the trick. I suggested he ask our neighbor about that. He apparently wanted to do a map upgrade on the Tom Tom. Why he did it "in the car" using the car battery for power, I'm not sure. I didn't ask that question because I know it would make him defensive. He'd likely bark that I could have done it, instead. He'd be right on that. Anyway, I'll be happy when our newish Subaru finally arrives. It's likely on the Atlantic Ocean still.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

That sounds scary, that reaction from the muscle relaxer.

I do hope you will get relief from the discomforts you have been receiving. My hope is that the underlying issues are eased, so that you won't have (or more want) to take chemicals to ease them. One doesn't want to add a new major problem on top of another. Believe me, I know.

The immediate care I went to yesterday was nice and they were super fast. The doctor and nurse were some of the nicest immediate care people I’ve met. It’s a health care system that is rated highly so I think I’ll look for a gynecologist and primary out of that hospital system. Since they take my insurance and I already am seeing a dermatologist out of there too.

But thanks for your reply and concern. This morning I’m not feeling much of anything bad. I don’t think the muscle relaxer did anything but make me super relaxed for the night.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Yesterday I had major gastrointestinal distress. I took some OTC meds,, including charcoal. That did the trick. I feel much better today.

Hubby was telling me about a battery going dead...and he mentioned our GPS Tom Tom. I thought he only mentioned the Tom Tom itself, but he later clarified it is our car battery that's dead. Ugh! We currently have only one car, so that means we are stuck without transportation. He looked and we do have some kind of road assistance, but are unsure what it includes. Being Saturday it's not sure when we'll get some help. Hubby doesn't think a jump start will do the trick. I suggested he ask our neighbor about that. He apparently wanted to do a map upgrade on the Tom Tom. Why he did it "in the car" using the car battery for power, I'm not sure. I didn't ask that question because I know it would make him defensive. He'd likely bark that I could have done it, instead. He'd be right on that. Anyway, I'll be happy when our newish Subaru finally arrives. It's likely on the Atlantic Ocean still.

I hope you feel better!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Just for a few weeks. I’m not taking her word about my bipolar as gospel but she sure is doing an outstanding job with my trauma. My SI has gone down dramatically as has stress and depression. I don’t remember my psychiatrist asking me about trauma or my background history that may have impacted my behavior and that’s a shame. Just MHO.

If a psychiatrist doesn't ask about our background history or trauma that is a shame, I agree. I'm happy that therapy with the new T is going so well

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by Ursula Shackleton

I've been lurking here with the check-in because I admit my brain doesn't follow the kind of backwards conversation all that well, but I thought I'd pop in and give it a shot. Today has been good. Just A LOT of cleaning for my son's 13th birthday party. He's such a good helper too, a sweetheart. My house got so super messy over the winter when I fell into a massive depression, but I'm hanging in there. Last week, I managed to clean out my office enough to get my red IBM Selectric in here. Such a beautiful hum that typewriter has <3 Hope all is well with everyone else here, or at least as good as it gets

Hello Ursula! I’m glad you are here. I sometimes have trouble following the conversations, too. I’m sorry you experienced a major depression. You sound excited about your son’s birthday party. I’m glad. Good for you cleaning your office! I’ve never heard of a Selectric. I’ll have to check it out. I hope you have a good day!

[Mountaindewed]

I got pissed at one of my pdocs when he asked for my background history. Because I wanted a clean slate and I didn’t want my history to follow me. I didn’t know that was part of their job though to ask for your mental health background.

Now I don’t hide my past at all and I’m pretty open and I’ll be like to mental health workers like “dude one time I went to the psych ward and I got so worked up I had to be restrained to the bed and my vitals dropped so much that they just left me there for an hour until my vitals got back to normal.”

I mean I think? My past is still triggering and an issue. At least that’s what I’m being told by mental health care workers when I bring up stories like that one.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm sorry if I didn't catch an earlier post of yours on this. Is your son estranged from you? Did you have a fight with him? If so, I think in most cases, though it can take time, there comes peace again. At 18, it can be his journey to realize estrangement should end. Or if he's not estranged, but just more MIA, I can see that hurting some parents, but it's not at all uncommon. I think young men, in particular, like to make the break, but also some women. All parents must let go of their adult kids at some point. Not doing so is detrimental to all involved. I realize that in current generations young adults hang on to their parents longer than they used to...compared to my generation. However, there are always the young adults that are very eager to fly the coop. My siblings and I were, and it was no real reflection on my parents. And my parents only prospered after my departure (I was the youngest child of three). I had to laugh about that.

I hope you will connect with your 18 year old, but celebrate his new found independence. I am also sure your soon to be 13 year old will relish, to at least some degree, the departure of his 18 year old brother. Again, that would not necessarily be a reflection on their relationship, either. It's just natural.

Eighteen is a marvelous age, I think. It is the beginning of what I feel are the best educational years of a person's life. Not so much continued education from parents, but education in independence. And mistakes and hard knocks are among the best lessons, especially ones experienced, dealt with, and accepted mostly on/as one's own. Of course I have a particularly strong Western philosophical viewpoint. I realize others disagree, and sometimes for good reasons.

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm sorry if I didn't catch an earlier post of yours on this. Is your son estranged from you? Did you have a fight with him? If so, I think in most cases, though it can take time, there comes peace again. At 18, it can be his journey to realize estrangement should end. Or if he's not estranged, but just more MIA, I can see that hurting some parents, but it's not at all uncommon. I think young men, in particular, like to make the break, but also some women. All parents must let go of their adult kids at some point. Not doing so is detrimental to all involved. I realize that in current generations young adults hang on to their parents longer than they used to...compared to my generation. However, there are always the young adults that are very eager to fly the coop. My siblings and I were, and it was no real reflection on my parents. And my parents only prospered after my departure (I was the youngest child of three). I had to laugh about that.

I hope you will connect with your 18 year old, but celebrate his new found independence. I am also sure your soon to be 13 year old will relish, to at least some degree, the departure of his 18 year old brother. Again, that would not necessarily be a reflection on their relationship, either. It's just natural.

Eighteen is a marvelous age, I think. It is the beginning of what I feel are the best educational years of a person's life. Not so much continued education from parents, but education in independence. And mistakes and hard knocks are among the best lessons, especially ones experienced, dealt with, and accepted mostly on/as one's own. Of course I have a particularly strong Western philosophical viewpoint. I realize others disagree, and sometimes for good reasons.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I typed that wrong. He’s 19 now. I have a 22 year old daughter not a 13 year old. My daughter and I have a good relationship though we don’t talk as often as I would like. She’s very busy with work and friends.

My son estranged himself from me in April because of last summer’s events. Possible trigger:

Possible trigger:

I suffered from psychosis and a suicide attempt, both of which affected him directly.

I have so much guilt over how what happened to me has hurt both of my children. I also live with guilt and regret because of the times my illness has affected them overall.

I just miss hearing from him and seeing him. I check in with his dad once a month to see how he’s doing. His dad seems happy to reply. I’m grateful to him for that and because he and his wife are so supportive of my precious son.

I talked to my therapist this morning because she had to cancel our usual Monday appointment. We talked about how the loss has caused me to feel hopeless and deeply depressed. She had ideas for me to do to take better care of myself. I will try. Thank you again. I hope you have a good day.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

My post got zero hugs or thanks and the next one plus every ****ing one before that got tons. What gives?

Lizzie I think is a new member and I had mentioned in one of my posts that no new members plus myself were getting any support. Now the new people are getting support but I’m still not. And these aren’t even ****ing med OD posts I’m posting.

Well whoopdi ****ing doo at least my job is done.

Oh, now...you get plenty of support, Md. You know you are an integral member of this community. You have posted that you aren't on this thread to get reactions from others, but to keep track of your own stuff. It's a bit confusing.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Oh, now...you get plenty of support, Md. You know you are an integral member of this community. You have posted that you aren't on this thread to get reactions from others, but to keep track of your own stuff. It's a bit confusing.

Sometimes I can't keep track of all the posts in the check in thread. I think most of us are here for our own stuff and not to get reactions from others.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who doesn't read all of the posts at all times. Most of us here lead very challenging lives

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

He’s 18. He lived with me until June of last year.

Well, he is really young, still in teen mode. His estrangement will, hopefully, be transitory. My daughter is 36 and estranged herself from me 2 years ago. She excels in academia, but imo her emotional maturity lags.

Regardless of age and reasons, estrangement is viciously painful. I really have to work HARD to harden my heart. I feel like it's either that or go crazy and die too young from a broken heart. I constantly remind myself that it is my daughter's unresolved mental health issues that have caused her to behave toward me like she does. I do write letters to her every 6 weeks or so, but never condemning or critical. I remind myself that I am her mother, not her friend, and I respect my daughter by respecting myself, and respecting my role as her mother. We were so close prior to her dropping herself out of my life...I expect that she will come around eventually.

I am using this time to develop a closer relationship with my other child, my son. That's the silver lining to the darkest cloud.

How is your relationship with your daughter?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Well, he is really young, still in teen mode. His estrangement will, hopefully, be transitory. My daughter is 36 and estranged herself from me 2 years ago. She excels in academia, but imo her emotional maturity lags.


Regardless of age and reasons, the estrangement is viciously painful. I really have to work HARD to harden my heart. I feel like it's either that or going crazy and dying too young.

That really sucks BethRags, your daughter of 36 having estranged herself from you for 2 years.

Hugs and love to you

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Well, he is really young, still in teen mode. His estrangement will, hopefully, be transitory. My daughter is 36 and estranged herself from me 2 years ago. She excels in academia, but imo her emotional maturity lags.

Regardless of age and reasons, the estrangement is viciously painful. I really have to work HARD to harden my heart. I feel like it's either that or go crazy and die too young from a broken heart. I constantly remind myself that it is my daughter's unresolved mental health issues that have caused her to behave toward me like she does. I do write letters to her every 6 weeks or so, but never condemning or critical. I remind myself that I am her mother, not her friend. We were so close prior to her dropping herself out of my life...I expect that she will come around eventually.

I am using this time to develop a closer relationship with my other child, my son. That's the silver lining to the darkest cloud.

I think it shows your mothering skills and strength that you write letters to her every 6 weeks or so, but never condemning or critical.

I agree that it's her unresolved MH issues that have caused her to behave this way

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I think it shows your mothering skills and strength that you write letters to her every 6 weeks or so, but never condemning or critical.

I agree that it's her unresolved MH issues that have caused her to behave this way

Thank you so much for your support, Fuzzy dear

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Thank you so much for your support, Fuzzy dear

You're welcome dear BethRags

[*Beth*]

I'm moved into my new apartment! It's very small, but has many trees around it, including a tall and magnificent redwood tree. Now I have only to clean the old apartment, which will be a job, but I'll manage it. And I have to move my computer, etc. to the new apartment. A tech dude is supposed to come out Monday to hook it all up. Hopefully that will be hassle-free. Ha, I'm so tired it's going to take a couple of weeks to feel fully awake again.

Big hugs all around. I hope everyone has a nice Saturday.

[Fuzzybear]

I don't like unneccessary drama. It's so boring sometimes Someone on another forum sent me a snide message the other day, I don't even know them, at all. It's a VERY quiet forum UGH

Thanks for sharing about your new apartment BethRags

Has anyone heard from Bizi? She's been gone for a while now.

I hope everyone's Saturday is a good one.

[Mountaindewed]

Today I’m doing ok. I’m a bit anxious but it’s not bad. It’s not like my usual PMDD. It’s actually pretty unusual. Maybe the increase in meds was playing a lot more into things then I realized. My Geodon was raised in January and this whole year has been nonstop anxiety and mood swings. Now I feel kind of better. Although I’m forgetting to eat today and I keep getting distracted. I had a soda at midnight or something but since then it’s just been unsweetened flavor iced teas or zero sugar sodas. I’m not restricting today I’m just super distracted for some reason.

Edit: I still haven’t eaten because I’m too tired to make anything and all I have is snacks and just ramen that needs to be cooked and I’m too lazy to even make ramen. So I just took 2 Valium at one time because I think it’s my anxiety but it’s actually just hunger masking itself as anxiety. Since I can’t ever tell the 2 apart. So now I’m trying to get up the energy to grab a snack so I’ll have the energy to then eat an actual meal. But I don’t know how sedating the Valium will make me.

I know basically my world is just ****ed.

Edit again: I ate some popcorn and some Quest protein peanut butter cups. Now I just want to take a nap because the Valium is kicking in.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Oh, now...you get plenty of support, Md. You know you are an integral member of this community. You have posted that you aren't on this thread to get reactions from others, but to keep track of your own stuff. It's a bit confusing.

I’m sorry for that post. I don’t know what happened. I was just being an asshole for no reason. One minute I was feeling totally fine and then the next I just totally blew up and I was off for the rest of the night. But I don’t think it was anything that was said or done on this site that blew me up. Just my own demons that made me snap.

I always contradict myself. It’s a bad habit I need to learn to break. I do it at work, at home, in therapy. At work I’ll ask for more hours and then when they ask me to come in on my days off I say no. At home I’m just a hypocrite all around. In therapy I’m constantly contradicting myself when I’m just thrown a bunch of questions at one time. I crack under pressure and I have sucky anxiety that switches from hour to hour so my mind changes constantly on things to the point I don’t even know what I want. Just what I’m feeling at that moment.
But I apologize for that post. It was very rude of me.

[Fuzzybear]

I really had to muzzle myself on that other place. That message was very hurtful.

Some people seem to WANT to hurt others. I don't get it.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Well, he is really young, still in teen mode. His estrangement will, hopefully, be transitory. My daughter is 36 and estranged herself from me 2 years ago. She excels in academia, but imo her emotional maturity lags.

Regardless of age and reasons, estrangement is viciously painful. I really have to work HARD to harden my heart. I feel like it's either that or go crazy and die too young from a broken heart. I constantly remind myself that it is my daughter's unresolved mental health issues that have caused her to behave toward me like she does. I do write letters to her every 6 weeks or so, but never condemning or critical. I remind myself that I am her mother, not her friend, and I respect my daughter by respecting myself, and respecting my role as her mother. We were so close prior to her dropping herself out of my life...I expect that she will come around eventually.

I am using this time to develop a closer relationship with my other child, my son. That's the silver lining to the darkest cloud.

How is your relationship with your daughter?

Thank you for sharing your own experience. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard. I hope your daughter sees how much she is hurting you and comes back into your life. It’s wonderful that you are close with your son. I have a good relationship with my daughter. We don’t connect as often as I would like, but she is busy with friends and a summer job. She starts her first teaching job next month, 5th grade ELA (English/Language Arts). I’m so proud. Thank you again.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm moved into my new apartment! It's very small, but has many trees around it, including a tall and magnificent redwood tree. Now I have only to clean the old apartment, which will be a job, but I'll manage it. And I have to move my computer, etc. to the new apartment. A tech dude is supposed to come out Monday to hook it all up. Hopefully that will be hassle-free. Ha, I'm so tired it's going to take a couple of weeks to feel fully awake again.

Big hugs all around. I hope everyone has a nice Saturday.

Congrats on your new apartment! I love trees, but there are none here at my apartment. I wish there was a park nearby. Good luck with the old apartment clean-up. I hope you’ll be very happy in your new home.