[Mountaindewed]

I haven’t heard anything from her. I know I sent it less then 2 hours ago though. I also haven’t heard back from my current T. I sent her an email this morning explaining what happened on Wednesday. Basically I just feel like a liability to everyone. I’m pretty nauseated tonight and I’m not sure if it’s med related. I did take the 20mil melatonin and the 160mil Geodon together. Or if I’m just really stressed. I took a zofran to see if that would help with my nausea. The first thing I saw on my Facebook when I checked in this afternoon was an end of world meme. So I deactivated my Facebook and I’ll probably go back to antennae TV the way I did last summer. Just completely shut myself off from the news. It worked last summer. I do have to remind myself I’m dealing with PMDD right now and one of the symptoms is intense reaction to criticism and rejection. So what I am feeling could be largely that. I mean. I PMS every 7-12 days of every month. That could be a big part of things and why some days I’m cool about transference T and other times I’m a mess. But if she doesn’t respond to my email then I really do need to let her go.

My Pdoc did call in my Valium and it went through insurance. So I guess until I get my surgery in October I’ll be able to do 4 a day as needed instead of 3 a day. I know it’s not the best idea but I really need the extra help. I’m glad I’m not going to run out though. I was short several days.

[Moose72]

Noah and I went grocery shopping today. There were long lines- across the aisle way and down into the men's department. I think there were 3 lanes open. Then this guy just wanders up in front of me and puts his cart behind the lady who was currently checking out! The line behind me got really long! But just then this lady motions for me and Noah to move over to the aisle she'd just opened.

[~Christina]

The Sun is too loud, The Air is painful.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

The Sun is too loud, The Air is painful.

~~~ ~~~

[Soupe du jour]

I am feeling quite conflicted about a good many things. I'm also feeling a bit like a caged animal. I wish I could have just two weeks where I could make 100% of the decisions for myself and not have to care what anyone else thinks and feels. It's been so long since I had such a freedom.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing pretty good today. I slept well last night. A bit interrupted but I wasn’t up for more then a minute or so at a time. This morning I got a pumpkin cold brew from Dunkin Donuts. I’m limiting myself to one coffee a week. Then I went to the gas station to buy various 20oz flavors of sodas that I like but that I don’t want entire cases of. Even though it’s less money. I’d rather have 5 bottles in my fridge that will take 3-4 days to drink then 5 cases in the garage that will take months to drink. My nephews came over shortly after we came back from the gas station. I’m glad I won’t be running out of my Valium and that I actually have extras now in case I need them. I haven’t heard back from my transference T. But I feel ok about her today. That’s why this whole thing with her is so annoying. Some days I’m fine. Some days I’m a mess. I haven’t heard back from my current therapist either but then I remembered last night that she’s not going to be in the office until Friday. Which is why she only had a Friday time slot open this week. So that’s why she has not emailed me. I also haven’t heard from my job. So I don’t know what’s going on. I’m hoping to get a call today. I was supposed to get a call yesterday or Sunday. I feel kind of disappointed but not devastated.

But today I’m doing pretty good. I finally got my federal tax refund after months of waiting for it. I put $100 away for the hotel for my trip in November. The rest will go towards the $130 for my meds that my doctor sent in yesterday, my $90 ER bill from a couple months ago, and the $65 worth of books I bought on Amazon the other night.

I was a bit worried about that ER bill since I got pain meds both orally and through an IV and then blood work and then a pretty intense cat scan. So $90 is a huge relief.

[Scooter9]

My stomach pain came back last night. It was intense and lasted about 5 hours.

I also had to take my meds - the withdrawal effects were getting to be too much at the same time as the stomach pain.

I feel better this morning and emailed my pdoc about the pain. I also asked her about coming up with a tapering schedule.

I lasted thru my first night at 85% off my benzo tho i did wake up at 5:00am, before the sun has risen, which i don't care for, but it's far better than the chaos of getting up at noon as i was always before at this time of year.

Today was the first day someone noticed my weight-loss! It was Annie, a neighbor who prides herself on being observant and indeed i have noted she knows when i have perfume on and when i have just combed my dog's coat. So that put some much-needed wind back in my sails and i have got back to my calorie-counting spreadsheet, unfortunately after i had a huge and indulgent breakfast and have already eaten most of my calories for the day but i should be able to squeeeeeeeeeeze in a protein shake. Again, watching my weight for health, not vanity.

Aces!

Hope everyone is having a great day!

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I lasted thru my first night at 85% off my benzo tho i did wake up at 5:00am, before the sun has risen, which i don't care for, but it's far better than the chaos of getting up at noon as i was always before at this time of year.

Today was the first day someone noticed my weight-loss! It was Annie, a neighbor who prides herself on being observant and indeed i have noted she knows when i have perfume on and when i have just combed my dog's coat. So that put some much-needed wind back in my sails and i have got back to my calorie-counting spreadsheet, unfortunately after i had a huge and indulgent breakfast and have already eaten most of my calories for the day but i should be able to squeeeeeeeeeeze in a protein shake. Again, watching my weight for health, not vanity.

Aces!

Hope everyone is having a great day!

Hopefully you can keep up with your diet and lose weight.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

The Sun is too loud, The Air is painful.

Are you taking any med that would make you photo phobic? Or is this just mania showing itself?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

My stomach pain came back last night. It was intense and lasted about 5 hours.

I also had to take my meds - the withdrawal effects were getting to be too much at the same time as the stomach pain.

I feel better this morning and emailed my pdoc about the pain. I also asked her about coming up with a tapering schedule.

I hope you figure out what the stomach pain is all about.

[Blue_Bird]

I’m stressed out because my apartment pre-inspection is supposed to be today. They said it would be either Monday or Tuesday and they still haven’t come up. They usually do them in the morning but it’s going on 1:30pm now. I’m just sitting here waiting. I get nervous about those things even though they always go well. I just stress myself out over them so badly. The anticipatory anxiety is crazy.

I know they’re coming tomorrow for sure to change the furnace filters, I got a notification for that in my door earlier. Maybe they’ll do it then? Idk. I feel like I can’t relax until it’s over with.

I’m also waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back since I’ve barely slept the past week.

Hope everyone is doing alright

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Moose72]

I talked with C for a while this morning as usual. I had coffee. I'm listening to the alugalug cat again- I have the track that plays for 10 hours going. I doubt I'll keep it on that long, but for now it's satisfying an itch. I made bacon and eggs for lunch. Yum! I haven't had bacon in quite some time. Probably not good for my blood pressure with all that salt, but I didn't put any seasoning on my eggs to make up for the saltiness of the bacon. It wasn't overly salty, it was normal bacon.

Waiting for pdoc or someone from clinical coverage to call me back. I called earlier and kept getting their voicemail after the girl at the front desk transferred me to them and I didn't leave a message the first two times I called. The third time, I resolved myself to having to leave a message and then someone answered! So I left my information with him and he said he would get with my pdoc and then get back to me. I do have my pdoc's direct number, but I reserve that for true emergencies. And so far, I haven't used it much. It's so tempting to just call it and get her on the other end, but that's not what you're supposed to do. Last night, I only took the 300's because that's what I'm guessing is my true dosage, but that 150 is sitting there in every evening dose of my night time meds in my blister packs so that's why I'm confused. Somebody made a mistake and it's either my pdoc or the pharmacy. I suspect that the pharmacy was not told to discontinue the 150's but that's a guess.

I can't stop listening to the alugaluga cat. I have a 10 hour loop playing! I'm obsessed!

I told N3 to make a dentist appointment and I'd take him but he's dragging his feet- N3 style. He's all go when it's something he WANTS to do- like taking his driver's test last week- but things like the dentist he doesn't seem to keen to call even though he told me he would. I gave him my availability and the rest is up to him. He's also waiting to sign the lease and for the link to show up in his email. I didn't sign the lease until closer to my move-in date, so I told him that. It's a lot of waiting- need to have patience. Feels like nobody is doing anything behind the scenes but they do eventually do it. Unlike my old place that was so disorganized and lost people's rent checks! Or cashed them for themselves- who knows. Not my problem any more but Noah wants to go into the office and you can't- I've never been in there. I have done everything over the phone.

Today is my dad's 74th birthday. I called to wish him happy birthday and surprise surprise he was with it and I could hear him clearly! Sometimes, he sounds like he's mumbling and/or not speaking into the microphone. Not today. We talked about my med mix up and he said he thought the 450 is wrong. Someone else told me that I should take the 450 until I hear back. I took the 450 once or twice but have mostly stuck to the 300. I don't think the 450 does me any more good than the 300. I'm tired with either one, but there is no increase in tiredness, just dry mouth. My mouth has been pretty dry. I've been drinking water. Biotine doesn't work. It DOES work but only for about 5 minutes then it's back to dry mouth. So that's it. Just waiting for a phone call back. It might not be until after 5- who knows?

I got up at 8:30 after my alarm went off since 8. I was pretty darned comfy! Now I'm up thinking that I should clean something. I've already done the dishes and minimally put away the rest of the groceries and my clean clothes. That would be good. And throw out these dead flowers that I got in the hospital. They are just past it now!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I’m stressed out because my apartment pre-inspection is supposed to be today. They said it would be either Monday or Tuesday and they still haven’t come up. They usually do them in the morning but it’s going on 1:30pm now. I’m just sitting here waiting. I get nervous about those things even though they always go well. I just stress myself out over them so badly. The anticipatory anxiety is crazy.

I know they’re coming tomorrow for sure to change the furnace filters, I got a notification for that in my door earlier. Maybe they’ll do it then? Idk. I feel like I can’t relax until it’s over with.

I’m also waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back since I’ve barely slept the past week.

Hope everyone is doing alright

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I get inspected once a year for section 8- it's a huge long list of things that need to be done, outside of just plain cleaning and tidying! I know the nervous feeling - even though I always pass, I still get nervous about it.

I hope your pdoc calls you back soon. I'm waiting on mine to call, too.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I get inspected once a year for section 8- it's a huge long list of things that need to be done, outside of just plain cleaning and tidying! I know the nervous feeling - even though I always pass, I still get nervous about it.

I hope your pdoc calls you back soon. I'm waiting on mine to call, too.

Thanks! I hope yours calls soon too.

I am just so ready for this week to be over. Friday is the actual inspection and even though only 8 out of 50 something apartments get randomly chosen to be inspected, so I’ll be nervous all day waiting just in case.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thanks! I hope yours calls soon too.

I am just so ready for this week to be over. Friday is the actual inspection and even though only 8 out of 50 something apartments get randomly chosen to be inspected, so I’ll be nervous all day waiting just in case.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Someone from clinical coverage just called and said my pdoc says to just take the 300's and not the 150 dose. I assume, then, that next time I get my packs there will be no Seroquel in it, but I'll get a bottle refilled when that runs out. I'm so used to the blister packs that having a bottle is different. And especially since they have different refill times, but my inhaler is like that, too- on a different schedule. The pharmacy likely will refill the 300's when I run out, but I'll have to call and make sure so I don't go in and they say "We don't have that ready yet". Usually, they say that it's ready or they're working on it, when I call.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Someone from clinical coverage just called and said my pdoc says to just take the 300's and not the 150 dose. I assume, then, that next time I get my packs there will be no Seroquel in it, but I'll get a bottle refilled when that runs out. I'm so used to the blister packs that having a bottle is different. And especially since they have different refill times, but my inhaler is like that, too- on a different schedule. The pharmacy likely will refill the 300's when I run out, but I'll have to call and make sure so I don't go in and they say "We don't have that ready yet". Usually, they say that it's ready or they're working on it, when I call.

I’m glad your doctor got back to you. I hope the seroquel increase helps you.

I’m still waiting to hear from my doctor. She usually calls back anytime between 3:30 and 4:30pm, it’s 3pm now so hopefully soon.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I’m glad your doctor got back to you. I hope the seroquel increase helps you.

I’m still waiting to hear from my doctor. She usually calls back anytime between 3:30 and 4:30pm, it’s 3pm now so hopefully soon.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's good that you have a window of time when your pdoc will call back. That sounds very convenient!

[Sunflower123]

It’s been raining cats and dogs all day. I was going to pop out for a spa pedicure but decided to wait until tomorrow when I climb out of the pool.

I’m way behind in reading posts but I will catch up!

My brother is being discharged to our house Friday! I’m going to discuss strategies with my therapist Thursday. There’s just no way I can possibly care for him and mom in his condition. It’s madness. Thanks for letting me get it out here. It eases the stress and anxiety. I’ll do the best I can while protecting myself.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow.

[Mountaindewed]

Well I got the job. I got the call about 1.5 hours ago. He told me what my pay would be. A little bit less then what I had asked for. But not a huge difference. He doesn’t know when I’ll start. He just said to check my phone and email for the paperwork that he said probably won’t come until Thursday.

So I don’t know. I’m not anxious about it. Not totally excited about it either. I mean it’s just work. He stressed again they were ok with me taking the time off for the surgery. I’ve been feeling numb all day and I don’t really know why. But I’ve been reading all day as a distraction. I think I used it a bit too much. I ate but only because I had to and I wanted to stay ahead of my hunger anyways. I’ve been quite and keeping to myself with my noise cancelling head phones on most of the day. I guess I feel a little bit sad that my transference T never responded to my email. I don’t know why. My Pdoc can be so confusing sometimes.

But I’m hoping going back to work will help me with these feelings. And maybe my next therapist will erase transference T completely. At this point I just need to let her go.

I’m not S. Currently. Just numb and slightly down at the same time. I’m reading a Stephen King book for the first time in 5 years. I finished my 4th non fiction book after starting up again on my reading a couple weeks ago. So I figured I’d read a fiction book this time. The SK book is actually really interesting and it’s a short small one. I read 50 pages in one sitting. I kinda have an idea about what’s going on. But I’m often wrong on books.

My PMDD could just really suck too. But I’m not very nervous about returning to work. I really liked working for this company for 2.5 years. My self esteem has also really boosted after losing 21 pounds.

[Mountaindewed]

Possible trigger:

I keep thinking of this scene in a movie called Invisible where the main character is at a large party, then goes into an empty room and shoots himself in the head with a shot gun. I’ve been thinking of that part for several days. Not sure why.

But I think emailing my transference T was a bigger problem then I thought it would be.

I’ve been checking my email every break I’ve gotten and all the emails I got today are stupid shipping confirmation emails. I am in no mood to be happy about the retail therapy spree I went on a couple days ago. I mean I don’t regret it either. I’m looking forward to the books I’m getting but I just want other emails today.

I don’t want to go to bed but I’ve already taken 30mil of melatonin and my 160mil Geodon and I know I’m just fighting my sleep and I’ll fall asleep as soon as I try. Maybe I’ll put my music on. That usually helps me.

[wildflowerchild25]

I felt better yesterday but I’m right back in a foul mood today. I sat at the dealership getting the recall on my car fixed. That didn’t bother me. I was just chilling reading articles on my phone. But I tried to go to the new grocery store near the dealership and for whatever reason I couldn’t handle it. I was so nervous and so out of it. I got home and just threw in the towel for the rest of the day.

Tomorrow I have to go back to the dealership to get my new fob programmed (my current one is apparently damaged beyond repair). I am going to go to the gym because the activity from Sunday and Monday seemed to help me. Im familiar with the gym and I go when it’s not busy so it’s not as anxiety inducing,

I feel so bad about myself because i'm so overwhelmed with the activities of daily living. I just did a load of dishes so i'm not triggered by sights and smells of my alcohol and food binge. Then i emptied the two garbage cans in here that were overflowing.

I took a two-hour nap and fell asleep before this. I only sleep in the daytime a few times a year. I think it was the tryptophan in the milk i drank. I've only had one serving of milk and a small salad since my huge breakfast. I don't feel hungry but i feel a longing for food but i'm at my daily calorie limit.

It's so hard.

My psyche is very fractured. It's like i am somewhere between bipolar and DID. I never 'lose time' so it's not classic DID but it's beyond bipolar with the frequent changing of values.

I'm dieting for health, then i decide it's oppression. I'm sober because alcohol is a drug just like heroin, then i decide it's okay to cope with alcohol. I'm vegan because eating animals is amoral, then i'm an omnivore because we're the top of the food-chain and it's just natural.

I don't make any sense.

My life is chaos.

IDK. Maybe it's just borderline. Imna hang out on their forum for a while and see if anything resonates.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I’m stressed out because my apartment pre-inspection is supposed to be today. They said it would be either Monday or Tuesday and they still haven’t come up. They usually do them in the morning but it’s going on 1:30pm now. I’m just sitting here waiting. I get nervous about those things even though they always go well. I just stress myself out over them so badly. The anticipatory anxiety is crazy.

I know they’re coming tomorrow for sure to change the furnace filters, I got a notification for that in my door earlier. Maybe they’ll do it then? Idk. I feel like I can’t relax until it’s over with.

I’m also waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back since I’ve barely slept the past week.

Hope everyone is doing alright

I really feel for you, B_B. Seems especially stressful that you didn't know which day they're coming. I don't know if it's reassuring at all, but someone I knew who inspected apartments told me that what they're looking for is routine maintenance stuff...such as the furnace filter needing changing. He told me they are not looking at anyone's housekeeping and stuff like that that most people worry about.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

It’s been raining cats and dogs all day. I was going to pop out for a spa pedicure but decided to wait until tomorrow when I climb out of the pool.

I’m way behind in reading posts but I will catch up!

My brother is being discharged to our house Friday! I’m going to discuss strategies with my therapist Thursday. There’s just no way I can possibly care for him and mom in his condition. It’s madness. Thanks for letting me get it out here. It eases the stress and anxiety. I’ll do the best I can while protecting myself.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow.

Thank you, Jennifer. Peaceful is a good thing.

How long will your brother be in your home? I'm glad you'll be discussing strategies.