Bipolar check-in #59

Last night Hubby and I watched "Schindler's List". I had only ever seen bits of it. The beginning of the story was set in/near Krakow, Poland where we recently visited. The rest was in a town in Moravia near where we live now. Obviously it was a powerful movie. When in Krakow, we took a tour of its former Jewish section, called Kazimierz. Very interesting and important place to visit. Most of the then Jewish citizens of Krakow were murdered during WW2, by the Nazis. A much smaller number, including ones on Schindler's list, survived. Extreme nationalism and racism is so dangerous. It frightens me that it is on the rise again. Some of it is blatant, a lot a bit more subtle. I bring this up because the victims of such, during WW2, were not strictly Jewish, but also the disabled, mentally unwell, people with different sexual preferences, and others. I see such concerns as relevant here. It's dangerous thinking that similar (to any degree) can't happen again. It often starts slowly.

I didn't write the above to depress anyone. Rather to cite how exclusion and hate can create extreme harm. My husband and I read that as a child, Oskar Schindler's best friend was a Jewish neighbor and that he had fond memories of how the friend's parents welcomed him into their home. I can't help but assume that inclusion played a role in what he later did.

On a much lighter note, whenever our friend comes to CZ from the US he always asks us what we (or I) want him to bring. There are things we can't find here. The first time he brought us Press N Seal wrap. The second time two bottles of cooking sherry. This coming time we asked for waxed paper. None of these are available in CZ and I find it sad living without them. Funny these differences! And yet there are things here that are great, that aren't available (or as inexpensive) in the US. These include game meats, and certain fruit, as examples.

So I got a letter saying the appeal to get invega sustenna covered was denied. The reason? "We don't cover it because, well, uhhh, we don't cover it (because it's expensive as fk and we want to profit off you, not actually help you)." (I may be paraphrasing but that's what the letter said minus the parenthetical. I could try appealing again but I have a feeling that won't get anything done. The nurse said they have samples but that's not always a guarantee. I would go to the pills, but they don't cover those either!

Happy National Chocolate Milk Day everyone!!!

Hi Sapien. Have you considered writing to Janssen Pharmaceuticals? They have a patient assistance program. Qualifying is not a guarantee, but you never know until you try. You can see info on that at Paying for INVEGA SUSTENNA(R) - Cost Support | Janssen CarePath It would be good to let them know that your insurance refuses to pay for it. Believe me, big pharma doesn't like that! Just a thought. Here's another link to their contact info, if of interest: Patient Assistance | Janssen United States Picking up the phone and calling their 800 number might be a good first step.

If I had tried Risperdal (also a Janssen product) and my doctor recommended Invega, instead, I'd be telling Janssen why I needed Invega over Risperdal. Didn't you recently write akathisia as the reason? Does your doctor think Invega might not cause the same reaction? I assume both have been effective for your moods and/or psychosis? I've taken both the pill forms of Risperdal and Invega, in the past. Neither gave me akathisia, but I understand we all have unique reactions to meds.

I haven't had chocolate milk in ages. Sounds yummy! Maybe I'll make some cocoa soon. It's been chilly, lately. I do have the ingredients to make that.

I got a letter in the mail saying I'm already in the savings program, but it goes through insurance so I'm not sure if I would pay the $10 they promise or more or even if it's applicable at all. I called, was on hold for 10 minutes, then was told to leave a voicemail and that someone would call me back. The risperdal worked for my psychosis/mania for two years then pooped out and that's why I'm on Invega now. I had akathisia (amongst a lot of other problems I don't remember) when there was a packaging error and I got 50mg instead of 37.5mg. I realize I should sue, but I just don't have the spoons for that right now. I can hang that over their heads though if need be.

I hope you finally hear back from them. Keep at em' if you need to.

I've never taken part in an assistance program, but someone must be able to tell you if the co-pay is $10 or not. A pharmacist, maybe? Anyway, best of luck with this, Sapien.

This is stupid. Invega's gonna poop out on me in a year or two anyways so why bother. (Pharmacist didn't tell me squat)

I was watching that 2 or 3 days ago before he got to a million. He is just super smart. Its like he has practiced the answers! And he does seem very nice.

I am essentially released but my mom can't get me until 7! So I'm just here packing up. I need a shower, but I'm going to wait until I get home I think as the shower here sucks. (Very low water pressure.) I'm not sure, but I think I have an in person appointment with pdoc this week. also I see her nurse and my case manager (I think). They should give me a schedule - or I can call and find out. I just found out that this closed-off area that I've never seen is the "psych ICU". I wondered what kind of patients were back there.

I’m doing ok today. I woke up around 5 and I took my antibiotics. I took them with a Mountain Dew and then at 6:30 I couldn’t figure out why I was nauseated. Until I realized I need to eat with those meds. So I ate a piece of white bread and I was fine. I watched the first episode of Drag Race UK season 3. It’s interesting. This season they have the first cis woman in the franchise's history. She didn’t look like what I expected her to look like but she’s cool. I’m glad people are understanding that drag is a form of art and anyone can do it.

Then I went to the library to pick up some books and I went to Target. I got a bunch of fall candy. The fall section at Target today was full but at Walmart the other day it was empty. These shortages are annoying.

I’m not sure what I’ll do next. I need to find something to do though. My anxiety isn’t bad for once. I haven’t taken my second Valium yet and I don’t feel the need to take any Geodon early. So I guess things are going good.

My doctors office called to say I needed a Covid test. And the hospital had already called last Thursday to set it up. So yeah they aren’t exactly on the same page. But it will be fine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I recite some Bible verses to calm myself. Even partial phrases help. Do you pop your knuckles?

Haha, yes I do pop my knuckle. And my toes

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Last night Hubby and I watched "Schindler's List". I had only ever seen bits of it. The beginning of the story was set in/near Krakow, Poland where we recently visited. The rest was in a town in Moravia near where we live now. Obviously it was a powerful movie. When in Krakow, we took a tour of its former Jewish section, called Kazimierz. Very interesting and important place to visit. Most of the then Jewish citizens of Krakow were murdered during WW2, by the Nazis. A much smaller number, including ones on Schindler's list, survived. Extreme nationalism and racism is so dangerous. It frightens me that it is on the rise again. Some of it is blatant, a lot a bit more subtle. I bring this up because the victims of such, during WW2, were not strictly Jewish, but also the disabled, mentally unwell, people with different sexual preferences, and others. I see such concerns as relevant here. It's dangerous thinking that similar (to any degree) can't happen again. It often starts slowly. I didn't write the above to depress anyone. Rather to cite how exclusion and hate can create extreme harm. My husband and I read that as a child, Oskar Schindler's best friend was a Jewish neighbor and that he had fond memories of how the friend's parents welcomed him into their home. I can't help but assume that inclusion played a role in what he later did. On a much lighter note, whenever our friend comes to CZ from the US he always asks us what we (or I) want him to bring. There are things we can't find here. The first time he brought us Press N Seal wrap. The second time two bottles of cooking sherry. This coming time we asked for waxed paper. None of these are available in CZ and I find it sad living without them. Funny these differences! And yet there are things here that are great, that aren't available (or as inexpensive) in the US. These include game meats, and certain fruit, as examples.

Schindler's List was a rough one. Half of my family are Jews from eastern Europe, so it hits home.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien So I got a letter saying the appeal to get invega sustenna covered was denied. The reason? "We don't cover it because, well, uhhh, we don't cover it (because it's expensive as fk and we want to profit off you, not actually help you)." (I may be paraphrasing but that's what the letter said minus the parenthetical. I could try appealing again but I have a feeling that won't get anything done. The nurse said they have samples but that's not always a guarantee. I would go to the pills, but they don't cover those either! Happy National Chocolate Milk Day everyone!!!

I wish I had some chocolate milk right now.

I'm so sorry, Sapien. What a ****ed up situation. I dunno...maybe appealing is worth a try? And what about a TAR?

Autumn hugs all around.

Took a Klonopin this morning, 20 minutes later my anxiety lessened at least a little bit - which is a lot. I'm caught in a maze and I bet that new dipshite pdoc won't prescribe enough K-pin for me to take 2 1mg/day. Why do meds always have to be a battle?

I’m lazy today. I’m still in my pjs. I have plenty to do but good sleep was elusive and I’m just sluggish. But I do gotta go to the pharmacy.

I guess I have a new therapist. I’m not sure about insurance yet but I have an appointment on the 11th. She has a lot of trans clients and also knows about autism and is comfortable with people with eating disorders. I’m taking this all very carefully though since I’ve gotten my hopes up a lot of times with a lot of different things and people.

Congrats! That's great. She sounds like your kind of therapist.

Well, had my appointment and got my meds picked up. Limited issues-- I'll leave it at that. We did some tweaking and switching. She seemed pretty convinced the nightmares/vivid dreams are most likely a result of one of my meds so she switched me to another. She upped the Latuda. She did prescribe the prazosin and seroquel for nightmares and sleep respectively. I know it's stupid, because I am still suffering on some level, and it's a balancing act and it's not a fun game. I hate when things get upended, but we are doing what we think is best, right? Let's hope.

I’ve been splitting up my Geodon these last few days because of my high anxiety. Today my anxiety was fine so I took all 180mil Geodon and a Valium and a 10 mil melatonin at one time and now I feel like throwing up. Maybe I should have taken the 20mil a couple hours before the 160. I can’t have any pepto bismol or any antacid for that matter to help with my nausea. I can’t have tea either which always calms my stomach. When a therapist tells me not to do something I don’t listen. When it’s for medical reasons I’m thinking “man your station!” And I take it super seriously. But I want to break the rules so badly right now for a mug of tension tamer tea. I wonder if a lifesaver mint would help.

My friend who was a staff from a treatment center I was in from 2007-2009 still keeps in touch with me. She asked for my new address so she could send me some snacks and stuff. In 11 years she’s been the one person who’s kept in touch. I have other people on Facebook who regularly like and comment on my stuff. But she’s been there for the whole 11 years after I left that place.

My son does not have covid. I won’t even tell you what I went through to get him tested. I’m still a little angry about it, I’m trying to let go.

I worked myself up into a panic this morning about him possibly being sick and what could happen. I felt like I was dying so I bypassed coping skills and just went straight to the Xanax. I don’t take it very often so it is what it is. I also had to take my migraine medicine and that **** put me straight to sleep until 1pm. I hate it, how am I supposed to take it at the onset of a migraine during the day if I’m just going to fall straight asleep? This is the third one I’ve tried, I have to contact my neurologist again.

Haven’t heard from my photographer, I hope nothing’s happened. There’s no way I could find another photographer in 2 weeks.

I just need to chill out for the rest of the evening.

I have an appointment tomorrow to get my abilify injection then 10 minutes after that an appointment with my therapist. (everything’s in the same office, the nurse who gives me my injection , my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my primary care doctor). Then on Thursday I have an appointment with my primary care doctor so I can finally get back on meds for my GERD and back on birth control, to help regulate my period and help with my pms, which has been very bad.

I’m officially off the perphenazine. I’ve been off it well over a week now. The first week the withdrawal effects were bad but now I’m not having any issues and I’m glad to be on less meds.

On Friday I’m going to the little pizza place across the street to get a slice of pizza and a piece of their cheesecake which is really good.

I had fun at my self-care group last week. I’m looking forward to next months group. We’re probably making something autumn themed.

Yesterday I was having olfactory hallucinations and paranoia but they went away thankfully.

Hope everyone is doing alright

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You’ve got a busy week scheduled. I hope it all goes well! It’s kinda cool you can take care of everything in one place/center! I’m super glad you’ve gotten past the struggle of withdrawal for the most part from the perphenazine. Smoother sailing and less meds are always good things.

I’m so filled with fear and trepidation that I can’t get off the couch. I’ll need to take a Klonopin or two. It’s frustrating because I have some time to get away by myself for a few hours and I’m too scared to leave the house.

Yesterday was good. A family friend, my sister and I tackled the house and made great progress. Things look and feel better. The lawn guy came over and the lawn looks nice. I put off my mini getaway to accomplish tasks on the house while I had the help. Today I could go out but I’m too scared. I have two therapy sessions today. Maybe I can work it out there.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I woke up right before 2AM. I thought it was about 5. My phone was dead so I couldn’t plug in my headphones and listen to music. So I screwed around a bit online until my phone reached 30%. Then I listened to music until I had to plug it in again. I then tried watching TV but I couldn’t get involved in anything. I got up at 6 to take a shower. Ever since I switched beds with my mom I’ve slept really badly. I can’t remember the last time I slept well to be honest. I am a bit crabby and anxious but I took a 20 mil geodon and a Valium and I feel better. But I have bad acid reflux and I can’t take anything for it.

I go for my Covid test at 3 today. I still don’t have to quarantine so I think I’ll go to Applebee’s on Thursday for lunch.

I mean it’s gonna be rough for awhile and I’m just going to accept that it will be bad but that things will get better.

I found a bakery this morning. I got some sourdough bread and a little pumpkin cheesecake and 2 macaroons. I’ve been craving fresh bread and pumpkin cheesecake for awhile.

Now I’m home until my Covid test. My mom is going to take my brother to his Pdoc appointment and I’m going to use that time to put some stuff I don’t want her seeing in my dresser and transferring it to my luggage bag on the top shelf of my closet. Just in case she needs to help me out and get anything in my dresser for me. I did that last October and I remember hiding things in duffel bags. My mom did end up cleaning my room while I was downstairs. She never said anything if she found stuff. My therapist at the time who knew about this stuff said she doubt my mom was looking in a duffel bag

But it’s best now to hide anything I don’t want my mom coming across later.

I also need to do a big grocery store pickup or delivery order for Saturday. I don’t have anything but ramen, cereal, drinks, snacks, and candy in my house. I had my last Cauliflower crust pizza yesterday and I finished my Japanese fish shaped green tea and red bean ice cream bars too.

I’m going to do it scared! Hopefully somewhere along the way, I’ll start enjoying myself. I’m heading out and taking it step by step and moment to moment. I’ll stay out until therapy at 1:30.

For anyone that still reads my ramblings, I’ll talk a little bit about how my night went. I was feeling well, but ready to hopefully get a better nights sleep. I took the prazosin for nightmares and the low-dose seroquel to help me get to sleep. I did in fact have a better time going to sleep, but I did still have some vivid dreams, although upon waking they didn’t cause as much issue as they did before. I did wake up rather early, like 3:30am. So, partial success is still success in my book. Maybe with a better routine, perhaps taking my other meds a bit earlier and trying to limit caffeine in the evening, things will get better.

I also forgot about the first-dose effect of prazosin. It’s technically a blood pressure medicine and the side effect of postural hypotension can be very pronounced. I woke up to use the bathroom and almost passed out. I had to lay down on the bathroom floor. I experienced the same thing the first time I ever took it, so I should have been aware it is probable to happen to me. I don’t remember it ever happening after that though. Guess I’ll do well to remember that.

I still have a very hard time with my meds. It’s something I’m gonna have to get over because I refuse to give it up. The issue is a few hours after taking my medicine, I always feel bad. Mentally bad, physically crappy – but it passes within an hour or two and I start feeling a lot better. I can’t allow a few hours of unease to erase the 90% of the time being awake being a lot better. I Just have to get over it. Yesterday was really rough, but I also got a flu shot. Perhaps just the exacerbated side effects of tiredness and everything just made it seem that much worse.

Hopefully I will find something else to do with my life soon. I truly do feel I spend most of my time waiting for meal times, or planning around routine things. Breakfast-lunch-dinner, time to take meds etc. I’m working on being productive again. It’s been too long.