Bipolar check-in #60

I slept in a long time this morning. I assume it was med related because I havent taken the visrtril in a few days. My weight went up a few oz. But I'm not suprisied with all the iced tea and the vistril sucks too for weight. Today I feel a bit down about my therapy situation last year at this time and not having any support from my therapist because of IOP. I had a session scheduled on the 22 last year which got cancelled and it would have really helped me. Also my current therapy situation is getting to me as well. But I don't think I have any other options at this point. I go for bloodwork in the morning and I'm sure thats making me nervous. I hope the results are ok unlike last time. I feel like something isn't right and I am often right but I just don't know what. My mom says I know my body well.

I'm also behind again on my valium and I took the first one a couple hours later then usual. I try to stay on track with all my meds but especially my valium.

I took my valium and the anxiety is still there. Maybe I should just say F it again and take the Vistril. I cant eat as it is and I said last night that if a cheat day would help I'd do it. But I'm just not hungry. I had a corn tamale and a Lindt truffle and that was it and its getting kind of late. Its past lunch.

I’m feeling better today physically. My rib cage hurts but I can live with that. I’m so bah humbug today! I have a handful of reasons for not going to the Christmas event today and they are all legit but they can be handled. I don’t want to go but I’m too miserable not to. I need some fun and a change of scenery. Something, anything to get me out of my head. I’m glad I never turned to illicit drugs for help. It would be out of control.

Mom dragged me out last night to CVS and Cracker Barrel at 8:50. I had steamed broccoli, baby carrots, green beans and fresh fruit. Good stuff. We got home around 11:30.

I wish everybody well.

Christmas event sounds fun but I’m not one to talk. Yesterday we ended up not going to the tuba Christmas music. We just couldn’t get moving in time. It was a morning event.

Worried about my bf. He has covid and was having trouble breathing so he went to the ER yesterday. Got antibodies and was sent home. Sent a text to check in on him but he hasn't responded yet. Probably sleeping. I don't want to call and wake him up. Poor thing got his booster shot this week too and is having a bad reaction to that too. He's getting double whammied. I was around him the day he came down sick a week ago. So far I'm still healthy. Negative OTC covid test too.

Got 8 hours sleep last night. Feel pretty good so doing some chores. Have to go pick up my grocery order in a few hours. Starting to get the hang of ordering groceries online so I don't have to go in the store much. Been trying it out for the last 3 weeks.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed ...But she told me major life changing gender reassignment surgery "freaks her out" its just the small stuff like that that sometimes gets to me. ...

That's not small stuff. It is entirely inappropriate BIG stuff. I just might have stood up and left the room if my T said such a thing to me.

@Mountaindewed Hair loss and anemia are signs that your body is not getting enough nourishment. It thinks you're starving.
Anemia is why you are so cold.

Also, you should weigh yourself- you in the general sense- once a week as weight can fluctuate by a pound or more when taken every day.

(I hope you know that this post is typed with love.)

Hello !!!

I have been in pure hell of back pain. I have never in my life had something this awful and for weeeeeks . Had all that nerve pain on top of it all. Couldn’t sit stand or lay down long. I “ think” it might be finally improving? That said I don’t want to jinx myself.

Medicare covers 5 chiropractic adjustments a year. (I didn’t know that was available)

Hope everyone is doing the best they can.. loads of hugs to anyone in need

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Hi Christina. Have you benefited from a chiropractor in the past? Maybe it's worth considering. My husband has benefited from one.

I haven't posted much because I have little to report. Covid is worsening throughout Central Europe, so I've had little motivation to go out in public. Hubby had his monthly eye appointment, so I took a nice walk around that area. I forgot my cell phone, so rather than sit in the car doing nothing, I exercised. Now I know the neighborhood better. In the window of a flower shop was an adorable Christmas sculpture type thing depicting a little snowy town and an iced up pond. It somehow had little human figurines skating on it. Sort of like electric train sets. I would have liked it. There was also a poinsettia in the window. I bought one.

The only holiday plan we have is to stay with my sister-in-law from December 22 to just after Christmas. She wants me to make some Christmas cookies and make salmon for Christmas Eve dinner.

Sending hugs, love and prayers. I hope you feel better soon.

I didn’t make it to the event last night and that’s okay. My body is sore from being so sick the other day and it hurt to move around. It still does. I have 2 medical appointments and lab work today including my appointment with Nurse Ratchet. I hope it goes well. After that, I’ll stop off by Trader Joe’s for some cheerful sunflowers and by Sonic for raspberry tea. I’m back on my feet for the most part and back in the Christmas spirit.

I wish everyone a peaceful day.

My son has cold symptoms so I’m going to tasks him to be tested today since he was directly exposed. He always has cold symptoms in the winter, especially when the temp is fluctuating wildly as it has been here in NJ for the last couple of weeks. However I cannot in good conscience take him out of the house until it’s confirmed negative. If he is positive I won’t be able to return to work for ten days anyway so I guess trying to find someone to watch him is irrelevant.

My mom never responded to my text asking for her to watch him tomorrow. She has a tendency to do this and my brother and I don’t know why. Even if she forgot in the moment, like I do sometimes, surely she would have opened her texts at some point since Friday and seen mine and remembered. All I can think is she’s upset about what I said about her car, which wasn’t rude in the slightest, just not what she wanted to hear, and she’s doing her normal thing of sticking her head in the sand. I’m over her acting like a petulant child.

Yesterday I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t deathly depressed all day either. Depressed for sure but I’d say a seven or eight out of ten instead of a ten so that’s an improvement.

So far today I’m just pissy like every other day.

My mom wants me to continue to give her a chance. She did cut my copays in half because she says I need therapy every week. So she does care. I think. But if she decides to switch me or leave the practice I wont be upset. I can also discuss with her how I am feeling about our sessions and how I think they are going.

I went for my bloodwork this morning. So I'll see whats up with that. I wonder if my hair loss is because of my new shampoo. Its not cheap stuff though. Its salon brand American Crew. I dont know. But I'll see

But yeah my nutrtion is not good.

I'm doing well today. I had planned on doing some Christmas shopping but I think I'll save that for tomorrow. I want to get people $50 gift cards but my mom says I shouldn't be feeling pressured and that people know I'm not working and I have a lot of medical bills. I heard a loud thump coming from the trunk of the car and I asked my mom what the noise was. She said "stuff." And I said "what stuff?" And she said "I dont know maybe for you? Didnt your mother ever tell you not to be nosy during Christmas?" Based on the sound of the thumps and what I've been looking into I assume they are weights. But I hope she doesnt go overboard for me this year, she already got me a couple things and basically all I really wanted this year was a red zip up Fruit Of The Loom hoodie.

I went for my bloodwork this morning. I checked in and I waited about 5 minutes. The room was kinda crowded. Then the lab lady calls my very feminine deadname very loudly. I jumped up and I told her the name I go by now and she just said "oh. Sorry. I just go by the name they give me" this place is usually pretty good about using my correct name. The bloodwork itself wasnt a big deal but she had to move the needle around a bit to get the blood started. When she was done I hurried up and got my mom and pulled my hat down so the people still sitting there wouldnt see my facial hair.

So I'll see what the bloodwork results are they usuaully get them pretty fast, and then I see my doctor on Friday. So hopefully the hemoglobin and whatever that other level was went down after I went down on my dose. I know I don't have the severe anxiety or mood swings or anger that I had when my dose was too high.

It looks like I'll just owe $240 for my hystrectomy. The original cost was $31 thousand.

My doctor emailed me and said my blood levels are under their thresholds and my testosterone is now in the normal range. Yeah theres for sure a noticeable diffrence in how I'm feeling now vs how I felt 3 weeks ago. On Friday I need to ask him if my hair loss is a side effect from the testosterone in general or if its maybe my shampoo and I'll ask him about surgery. Not that I'm commiting to it right now but I just want to know what his expirence is with it and whats involved and what doctor/hospital he uses. But I'm not rushing things. My mom is being supportive and all but shes just wondering what hospital they do it at and if its one we would have to travel to and if its a far one that could add up alot of money in hotel and food bills and stuff. Too bad they dont have Ronald Mcdonald houses for adults.

I didnt eat very well today and I feel really sick. I ate some rice cakes but then I had a bunch of chocolate which expired in May. I didn't notice until I was almost done with it and I didn't think it was that big of a deal since stuff is usually ok for awhile after the expiration date. I just now slammed down 2 pouches of Starkist tuna for some fast protein. But ugh I never want to eat chocolate again.

I once again threw out my vistril. The hunger side effect was just too much for me to handle. I just got 3 new pairs of jeans, a pair of track pants, and a button shirt. I don't want to gain weight.

I took a pepcid. I'll see if that helps my stomach ache. I wish I had a zofran.

@Mountaindewed. 31 THOUSAND! Damn. That's a nice car right there.

I honestly am very confused how a 2.5 hour outpatient surgery cost so much. I'd thought it would be 10 thousand tops but closer to 8 thousand.

But I'm glad I have this insurance.

I wish I could go to work. I need a distraction from the **** in my head.

Seeing SI images all day. Feelings where I used to SH and only don’t anymore bc I got tattoos to cover the scars on my forearms. And also to stop myself from harming on them so I guess it’s working.

I tried to take my son to be tested but I waited until he was done with virtual school and by then they had closed walk in testing. He really wanted to go to the dollar store so I took him even though I really didn’t feel like I could. I did though. I also stopped and got eggs. I’m thinking of ordering grocery delivery since we’re out of a lot of things and I can’t face going to the store. I might be able to make it through the small discount grocery store though. They don’t have everything but they have enough.

I woke up this morning after a kind of tough night med wise. I saw that the kitchen was a mess and I felt bad because my mom was so tired last night. So I cleaned up and washed the dishes and took out the garbage and the recycling. I had not really planned on leaving my house besides to get an iced tea but then I decided to make my international grocery store run. Getting out made me feel better. I also took my first valium at the correct time. I got some cool stuff and I got a couple gift cards for my sister and brother in law. Now I just need my mom and my brothers presents which I'll get tomorrow. But I feel pretty good today. My therapy appointment got moved to virtual and I was hoping she'd just cancel. She did give me that option but I want to show her that I'm trying. Plus I remember how lonely it felt being without a therapist last christmas and I dont want to repeat that this year. I'm wondering what kind of tomfoolery word vomit she'll say tommrow. At least its still an AM appointment.

I saw something on facebook that kinda creeped me out and sort of lit a fire under my *** even though my mom says it wont happen to me because shes taking care of everything. But I looked on indeed last night to see if the job position I want at the store I want to work for is hiring. They are. I plan on applying first thing next year. My therapist says this is a very friendly place to work for and I have seen trans employees there before.

I went to my dermatologist today. She is a very kind and caring soul. She was nice to me and I started crying then and there. Just at the fact that someone was kind to me. I cried all the way home. I’m going to process that to see whether I’m overly sensitive due to SAD or whether I’m starved for kindness in my own family. I know which one I suspect. I’m fortunate to have caring friends. Hopefully, therapy today will help.

My NP meeting yesterday went well. Nurse Ratchet was lovely. What a pleasant surprise!

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

Well I was right, I was feeling better due to the placebo effect. My anxiety is back full force.

It was nice while it lasted. Hopefully better days ahead once the Trintellix really starts to work.

Well last night I went out on a limb and bought the tickets to a Christmas music show mum wants to see. But it depends on everything going right and mum feeling up to going on the day of the show. And the weather cooperating too.

I ordered the in store glasses the same day as I ordered the online glasses. I just called them because still, no glasses! I got my online glasses days ago! They are still in the lab. Early next week, maybe. Definitely going the online from now on.

It’s snowing here and I already feel trapped. It’s only an inch something but already it hampered getting the recycling in and froze my feet getting the mail cause I didn’t want to go put socks and real shoes on, just ran out in my clogs. Brrrr won’t be doing that again. Still have to go back out and empty the accumulated snow out of the bins, later when my feet thaw. I don’t get SAD but the short days and snow gets to me!

Moose and Beth I really appreciate you guys thanking and responding to my posts. It means a lot to have some support on the bipolar forum.