Bipolar check-in #60

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Moose and Beth I really appreciate you guys thanking and responding to my posts. It means a lot to have some support on the bipolar forum.

Aww, thanks Md!


I'm so sorry you're anxious. To me there's no worse feeling than anxiety.

I feel pretty depressed and am just gonna try and get thru the holidays with the least amount of pain possible, whatever that means. I ordered some delivery tonight casually, just trying to cheer up. I feel pretty numb and apathetic which is better than feeling rage or anxiety so i count myself lucky. I'll just slither thru the holidays, unwashed and over-eating, observing only my obligations to my dog.

I went to the mall today to pick up meds. My new pharmacy was excellent again, everything went smoothly save for a single phone call yesterday to give them a nudge. I didn't linger at the mall. I didn't even go in the foodcourt at all, for the first time in months. The only thing i enjoyed was seeing a triple-stroller with an excited nanny pointing out stuff to the kids.

It's Winter and COVID seems to be hanging on, will it ever be over? So i won't expect much pleasure from the coming months, as i think is only realistic. I'm back playing Scrabble, just against the bots tho, but have been having some good games, so that's nice.

I made up a fun pun today. If your favorite TV show is often delayed and it makes you dissatisfied you have a case of pre-empty!

You're very welcome!

My big thing today was going to my yearly check-up with my primary doctor. My blood pressure was 117/70! My lungs were good. My weight is stable at least. I didn't need any blood work or vaccines. I have an appointment for March for a lung function test and immediately after, next door, is an appointment with my liver doctor. I also have a 6 month follow up with my primary and a mammogram scheduled. Lots of appointments it seems! I also need to get a current proof that I get SSI for renewal of food stamps. Along with some other proofs. I hate paperwork! Especiallywhen there is a deadline looming! At any rateI don't have prediabetes but this new doctor who was working with my doctor today's said "That doesn't mean you can't still develope diabetes...". Nice to know. But I am still not prediabetic for the time being . Unfortunately, I still have metabolic syndrome!! Ugh! Is there any way to get rid of it??

So I went to the mall all on my own, didn't flip out in the elevator when it was just me and another person, I talked to the cashier, got the gift I was buying, went down the escalator, and walked to the car. I was freaked out but I managed without making a scene. I wasn't harmed ( even in the elevator. It was a very successful 10 min trip. Other then that I'm having meltdowns over the littlest things.

Hi Mountaindewed. I think you've written this same kind of post at least four or five times in the past. [My memory is good.] Most all of us fully know you are willing to scold us. More than once a regular member wrote that such things could be sent via PM. Even your selective praise of members (at the expense of others) could be, too.

Support is a two-way street, especially between adults. I do read some of your posts and give you hugs. Some, I'd rather not give hugs to. You post multiple times per day, sometimes. We are not always all able to handle such frequency. I will say I've appreciated your trigger warnings, because I am HIGHLY triggered by some of your posts. That's my issue and one I won't struggle to overcome. I have my reasons.

If I look back, I recall very very few supportive posts from you. At least not to my posts. Again, a two-way street. In fact, many of the posts of yours to me have mostly only been responses to my posts to you. [Again, good memory.]

I could have sent the above to you by PM, of course. However, the lack of responses are likely because of exasperation and I know I'm speaking for some other members. I've actually tried harder to support you than many others here. I'm writing this in hopes it will help you. A kind post. If you don't see that, then I have nothing more to say on this topic. Yes, relationships are difficult, sometimes. Having mental health issues (and/or other challenges) can make it harder yet. You have some that most of us here don't fully understand. Many have some you don't understand.

A method to lure back people? More honey and less vinegar.

I feel better this morning I guess I'm just down in the dumps in general about things. I really do miss the therapist I had before I moved and last night I listened to a song that reminds me of her. Also my weight is depressing me. I'm hungry but I'm not sure why. Its just all these little things that are just adding up into one big thing. Today is also the 7th anniversary of my dads funeral.

Hopefully my therapist has some good suggestions.

I talked to my therapist yesterday and she said something that changed my whole perspective on the problems I’m having with my mother. Basically she saiid I have to decide between cutting my mother off and not doing anything for her or I have to accept that she will never change and I will always have to take care of her regarding basic adult tasks and work on being at peace with whichever I choose.

It’s so true. As much as I’d like to let her sink or swim without my help, fact is she would actively sink, and as much as I hate that and as much as it reminds me of how I had no help from her in my entire life, I just can’t let that happen. So I have decided I will help her, but I will not be her emotional support. She’ll have to get that somewhere else.

I feel so much better today. Like a weight is gone. I’m hoping it’s not temporary. I know I will be able to go to the grocery store today without losing it. I seriously can’t wait to go back to work tomorrow, I’m so bored.

My physical dr appt went well. He said my digestive issues are likely a rare(r) side effect of Seroquel XR. Also since I went low(ish) carb and started eating less fruit and more dairy, I’m consuming less fiber and possibly becoming more intolerant to dairy.

I’ve downloaded a different food tracker app, one with no calorie/carb/anything counting. The numbers are just too triggering. I just want to be able to make notes and hopefully recognize patterns that may relate to my digestive issues and lead me to eating healthier without obsessing over calories. Because even when I’m tracking calories I eat like crap, I just eat less crappy food.

Sending support and love to everyone who needs it! Sorry I’ve been so wrapped up in myself.

I had a good therapy session. It was virtual but it was very productive. I'm not sure why virtual sessions are so productive but I remember my transference T mentioning that our sessions started becoming deep once we switched to remote. I told her about last night. Not everything because I didnt want to go IP. But I told her I was S and I had talked to my mom and I gave her my meds. We basically just talked about how to get over my transfernce T. She thinks I have an obsession with her. I mentioned eating a lot of peppermint flavored things since that flavor reminds me of her. My therapist said at one point that I looked sad. But she didn't mention anything about going IP. The week of christmas she's moving me to Tuesday because she knows how important in person sessions are for me. An in person therapy session a few days before Christmas could be a literal life saver at this point and could help with a lot of what I've been feeling lately.

Right now I'm just chilling out and trying to avoid getting into another slump. I found a couple online exotic food and soda shops with good stuff and good prices and reasonable shipping. So yeah I'm doing a bit of retail therapy I guess.

Hi all,
Met with my psychiatrist today. Since my mood has evened out with the Vraylar, we decided to look at anxiety/ADHD. She wants to start me on Adderall. I'm really uneasy about it. This is basically first line treatment, so I have to start somewhere -- but I have my reservations. I live with my mother and that is not the easiest thing in the world. She will literally freak out if she knows I am taking a controlled substance. She has in the past. I don't want to go through that. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong or like I'm going to become a drug addict. I know that isn't the case but it makes me concerned.

Whats more, I have to get drug tested every three months which isn't an issue, assuming the orders get to the lab. I don't live near the clinic where I get treatement (telehealth) but it appears it will work out, assuming they ever receive the fax. (I've called and they said they've sent it, but they haven't received anything. I've verified the number twice). I will have to do that before I ever take a pill, so I am just impatiently trying to get that out of the way. On top of that, my insurance has a issues with paying for the medicine, and so that's held up with the pharmacy (which is OK! I mean, I don't necessarily need it right now and I couldn't take it anyway until I have the drug testing done). All this red tape makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do.

I'm considering just not taking it, and the next time I see my psychiatrist I will ask for something else, non-controlled. I just feel scared and like I'm doing something wrong.

Nixed the Clonidine and am testing out Propranolol instead. It's as-needed if taking it with the Adderall is overkill. (Assuming I can get over these feelings).

Wow that’s a lot of red tape. But one of the things they are looking for is that you actually use the medicine that it’s actually present in your blood and you aren’t selling it. That’s what my pain doctor said anyway back when I was on pain meds. It’s not you doing anything wrong but others out there do, so everyone has to jump though hoops. Seems your doc is pretty straightforward so if you’d rather not use a scheduled med I’m sure she will listen.

I missed my morning meds today. Slept till 12:30pm, was having crazy dreams.

I walked downtown to CVS to pick up my meds and took a pic of the Christmas tree down there. Sorry the top is missing, I didn’t realize I didn’t have it in the shot until I got home. I’ll try to take a better picture next time but here it is now

I was able to get some eggs which I needed. And some chocolate covered pretzels

Also here’s a pic of Miss Mustachio I took today

Yesterday I made shredded Buffalo ranch chicken in my crockpot and had it on hamburger buns w/ lettuce. So spicy and so delicious. I can’t wait to have some leftovers tonight

I'm trying to remember what my therapist said today about just accepting things with my transfernce therapist. We spent almost the whole session today talking about how I still have so many strong feelings for her when its been almost 10 months since we ended things. I've been eating so many Lindt peppermint truffles today because at this point I'm not sure how else to deal with these feelings besides eating a flavor that reminds me of her. I mentioned peppermint today and my therapist laughed and said "you and your peppermint." Thats when I finally admitted it was more of an OCD type thing because of the association I have with the flavor and the transference T. I kept asking my current therapist when will it get better and she says when I accept it.

Yeah I just checked facebook and the first time I had a mint candy bar was January 2020. So yeah thats when things were starting to happen with covid. I think that also could have been when I was really sick most likely with covid. And that was when I was starting to get needy with her so I guess thats how that flavor came to be associated with her.

You do have my support. My hugs are to indicate that I’ve read your post and I support you. I sometimes worry about you when you take too many (in my humble opinion) pills but I don’t say anything. I will be more vocal if that helps but I have been supportive. Almost 100% of the time I hug your posts. The rest are oversights.

The NP upped my Vraylar (I had already anticipated this and upped it). It’s activating and my sleep has been very poor. I wasn’t able to make it to my lab work and diagnostic tests or to my elbow injection this morning. The next availability for an injection is 12/22. That reeks as it’s very painful. I’ll attempt to do my lab work tomorrow.

I was disappointed that I won’t be meeting my daughter Sunday. My Christmas events aren’t panning out either. First I was sick and recovering and now the big concert tomorrow is cancelled due to the director’s COVID. His health is the important thing but I’m still disappointed. I’m not quite ready to say bah humbug but I find myself wishing this lousy month was over and I could start fresh in January. Does anyone else have a problem with December?

I attended a virtual sound healing today. Outstanding. Calm and peaceful.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day

Aww Jennifer I’m sorry your December isn’t working out. And really sorry you missed getting your elbow shot. That really sucks. hope things swing around before January tho.

Wasn’t going to go anywhere today, but mum said her meds were ready. Tomorrow and Friday it’s supposed to snow so I went today to pick up the last few things on my lists. I got my daughter a coffee shop gift card as a little extra bonus. I picked up a kit that’s not play doh but similar only with brighter colors. Everything had unicorns on it and I even found a unicorn coloring book! For my grandson I got the x box card and a remote controlled car. Nobody but nobody was wearing masks! 😷 it’s no wonder that my area is extremely high transmission and the national guard is working at nursing homes and hospitals! But I stayed pretty far away from everyone so I feel fine. Now I just need to get everything wrapped and I’ll be finished.

I’m finished but mum isn’t. Tomorrow I need to drag up her ceramic Christmas tree and the table it goes on. If it was just me, I’d not bother with decorations. I have a feeling that she’s going to be dragging stuff up the stairs until the 24th. She’s supposed to stay off the stairs but try telling her no! she says she’s 93 she can do what she wants. while I was gone she went down and found a bunch of stuff to put on the doors and hang on the walls.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I missed my morning meds today. Slept till 12:30pm, was having crazy dreams. I walked downtown to CVS to pick up my meds and took a pic of the Christmas tree down there. Sorry the top is missing, I didn’t realize I didn’t have it in the shot until I got home. I’ll try to take a better picture next time but here it is now I was able to get some eggs which I needed. And some chocolate covered pretzels Also here’s a pic of Miss Mustachio I took today Yesterday I made shredded Buffalo ranch chicken in my crockpot and had it on hamburger buns w/ lettuce. So spicy and so delicious. I can’t wait to have some leftovers tonight

It's great that you walked downtown. Thank you for the pics! Miss M is cute, cute, cute!

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom So I went to the mall all on my own, didn't flip out in the elevator when it was just me and another person, I talked to the cashier, got the gift I was buying, went down the escalator, and walked to the car. I was freaked out but I managed without making a scene. I wasn't harmed ( even in the elevator. It was a very successful 10 min trip. Other then that I'm having meltdowns over the littlest things.

Good for you!!

I thought I just had bad anxiety because everything I've been feeling lately I've just been atributing to bad anxiety. But I drank 2 expired juice products today one expired in May and the other November I think. I feel like puking my guts out right now. So I can't tell if its anxiety or food posioning. Like how do you figure these things out. I can never tell.

I also got my vistril and melatonin out of the big garbage can. There wasnt much in there. Which was good and bad. I didnt have to root through too much trash but I ended up having to tip the garbage can on it side. It was pretty gross. But I got the vistril and the melatoin which were ok. I took off my boots and my hoodie and I washed my hands and the bottles.

This is some anxiety though if I'm rooting through trash for meds that don't even work very well and have not good side effects. I took a benadryl and one melatonin and I'm in bed under the throw blanket from the living room. My stomach feels a bit better and I don't know if its because I'm now lying flat on my back or if its because of the benadryl which can sometimes help with anxiety

If the juice was pasteurized you should be fine. And most juice products are pasteurized. I don't know if the labels say or not though. I would guess yes but I don't have any juice at home to look at the label.

You said in another post you drank a lot of matcha tea today and had some caffeinated sodas. That may be the reason you feel anxious.

Hope you get some sleep and feel better.

My kitty is sick Monday his eye was leaking discharge and he was pawing at it. He looked better yesterday, but today his other eye looked even worse than the first one. So I took him to the vet and he’s lost three pounds! I can’t believe I haven’t noticed him not eating. I thought maybe he was getting thinner but it wasn’t super obvious. And he hadn’t been acting sick at all until today. Today he’s been very lethargic and when I put dinner out he ignored it and I haven’t seen him drink any water either. I’m worried for my kitty! The vet said he didn’t see any obvious reason for it. He took some blood and I’ll hear back on Friday. I’m so worried. I don’t understand how he got so sick so fast.

He’s not even climbing on my chest to sleep he’s on the bed but at my feet.

Hopefully it’s nothing too serious.

Its still tough to tell. I was hungry so I ate some cauliflower. I also took 3 tums after. Now I feel a bit anxious again. The juice was in the cooler. I thought I read somewhere that you shouldnt drink green tea on meds. I cant tell if another benadryl would help with anything. I'd like to avoid the valium and my music is what set me off last night. I havent had the music on tonight so my thoughts have been fine.

I actually cancelled my music subscription it was getting me too upset.

The med/green tea interaction is not with a ton of commonly used meds. I did discover it interacts with both my MAOI and clozapine but those are outliers. Fortunately I gave up caffeine in 2007, before either of those meds so I'm fine. I'm going to try to the link as I don't have the ability to cut and paste due to a dead trackpad. I hope that works.

What drugs interact with green tea?

And now shes legit sick. I hope its just a cold. That is what shes saying it is. She is agreeing with me that its from Sams Club. She said it was crazy crowded and they ate there too. But you just dont mess around with this kind of stuff. I told her a number of times to go early. Now I'm most likely to get sick as well and miss my doctors appointment and this one is super important to me and he's really tough to get an appointment. I'll probably wont get in until next year especially since my blood work and my levels are ok now. I gave my mom a sip of my flavored water. I don't care about getting sick I just really need to see the doctor and this appointment was set up over a month ago because he was so booked out.