Bipolar check-in #60

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I just went on a approx 30 minute walk to and from Starbucks- so a total of an hour with about half an hour in between. It was nearly 70 degrees here today! I won't be able to walk this path once it starts snowing in earnest as not all the business clear the sidewalk in front of their property, unfortunately. I was stepping in snow up to my knees practically last winter when I took a fit and decided to walk from home to Starbucks. (I got a ride home that time, though.) Now I feel like I should go to sleep but it's not even 6! It is, however, dark. 😢

That is so awesome, Moose! The walk, I mean. I used to walk to a nice grocery store, then had the achilles surgery, couldn't walk much at all. When I was through with the cast & boot I had to walk short distances only and increase by bit. Now I'm annoyed at myself for not walking to the store anymore. It's just laziness. Sorry for the vent! Anyway, you inspire me in so many ways

Awww... Thanks! I wish I inspired myself more. I try hard to make each day special in its own right but that's not always what happens. I get stuck in old- or new- habits like watching YouTube and eating graham crackers in milk like cereal! Yes- it's very soggy.

@Soupe du jour your cake looks amazing! I wish I was as talented with baking

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Felt agitated for most of the day. But just did some yoga tonight and feel a little better.

I'm out of one dosage of one of my meds. I take 600mg of trileptal in the morning and also another 600mg at night. Plus I take 300mg of it in the afternoon. My pharmacy won't fill it until tomorrow. They have to do 1 month exactly between prescriptions because my insurance will not allow for even a day earlier. It's not that I took too much of my medication. It's that I happened to run out today on a Sunday, when they're not open so I had to go a day without since the last time they filled it was on October 7th. Today is the 7th but of course they're not open and won't fill it till tomorrow. Not really a big deal but it's kind of annoying. I try to stay on a strict schedule of taking my meds and not missing them

Anyway, I'm going to see if the library has the older Dune movie since I just went and saw the new one without ever having seen the older ones. So I need to see it (is there more than one?) to clarify what I saw at the theater. I want to catch up because the one in the theater said it's part one, so there will be at least another one released in the future and I want to be more filled in by time that comes out. Maybe I could even read the books by then.

Getting blood work done on Wednesday. Just wanted my doctor to check on if I am diabetic or pre-diabetic. I'm not having symptoms, and don't really think I am it's just that I have a family history of it and am on several meds that increase the risk, just want to be sure since I haven't been tested for it in many years. So it's just a precaution. Plus he ordered some other tests as well

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I got a lot done today whilst still enjoying the sun. Next week I have 6 medical appointments to get through for my family and 4 social events with family and some with friends. All this while I’m trying to clear my slate to go out of town. It’s going to be crazy busy. I just hope by the end of the week I can slip into a zen state and quietly leave for my retreat. Brother needs an emergency surgery so we’re checking on that.

I’ve got a bad migraine so I’ll go on to bed.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening.

I am sorry that you have a migraine. you have a lot on your plate.glad that you have a retreat coming up soon.
It sounds like you could use a bit of quiet time. may I ask what kind of retreat?
bizi

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Originally Posted by Moose72 Awww... Thanks! I wish I inspired myself more. I try hard to make each day special in its own right but that's not always what happens. I get stuck in old- or new- habits like watching YouTube and eating graham crackers in milk like cereal! Yes- it's very soggy.

I love milk soggy graham crackers.

Thanks, @bizi!

Have you ever been so down, mood-wise, that it's even difficult to think straight enough to answer a question about one's woes? I guess that's where I am. I'm just so frustrated, impatient, feeling mentally and physically "undernourished", though the physical end isn't food-related. I just wish a simple thing as finally getting our car would happen already. I'm not a car fanatic. It's not because of some need for transportation. It's more symbolic than that. I'm just feeling way too out of my element for too long. Like a lost sheep. Something even like the car sent from the US would feel like a kind of "home". The house we live in now is not our real home. The car we bought here, is not my car. I'm hoping that the car "more from home" is better able to lead me where I need to go, literally and symbolically.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I don't want to go, but know that if I don't seek therapy things will be worse.

A number of years back, I wrote about a need for a "home" beyond just a house. I felt that, at times, even when living in New Jersey. I definitely feel it now. The lament referred a lot to being at a job that was killing me, though even when the job was gone, I still sometimes struggled to find the relief I was looking for. It went:

I just want to go home, but I'm already home

I remember being at work, or somewhere else, and thinking over and over again that “I just want to go home. I just want to go home.” The hours seemed like days. I’d watch the clock, and it would seem to have stopped. Two minutes before I was officially to be set free, I’d run around the corner and make an escape. I knew that those last two minutes would just kill me, so I had to make the run for it while I could still breathe.

There eventually came a time when I stumbled on that run home, and found myself in a full body cast. Then the only place I could even be is confined at home, in my bed. Years passed in that cast and I again began to feel trapped. Out of old habit I’d repeat silently to myself that “I just want to go home. I just want to go home.” But...I was home. Where must I go? How do I find "IT"?

Thank you. Yes…I’m calling it a retreat from caregiving. I’m meeting my daughter in the Smokies to do some hiking to waterfalls and some bonding.

Soupe- I wish I had some good advice for you. I would imagine after a big move like you had it would take a while to settle and establish a home. Your lack of feeling like you have a "home" is valid, and all I can say is I hope you find one soon whether it be in CZ or France or wherever else your heart desires.

I found my glasses! They were with all my drawing stuff. I'm feeling much better today even though I've been up since 12:45am. Hope I'm not hypo again, I asked my mom if I was when I spent that week chasing waterfalls around the state and she said "yes, for sure, I don't know of any other people even as young as you that workout at 2am and then leave before sunrise to go hiking every day." So that's something I gotta report to my NP when I talk to her. Also need to report that my eating isn't the greatest (last time I said I was eating and maintaining my weight and then I go in and get weighed and the nurse called me out for lying to my NP and I "forgot" to mention I blacked out for a few seconds and fell).

Ideally I would stop taking the Invega and/or Vraylar. I think Thorazine is all I need for an AP. Vraylar might be helping with depression though, so I'm a little hesitant to drop that.

Edit: I just tried going for a run it's perfect out 29F but my running pants are too big on me now so they kept falling down! I got sick of hitching them up so I came back after only 5 minutes.

Would you believe it? A fourth missed appointment BY MY PSYCHIATRIST. I am a stickler for punctuality, I know but this is beyond ridiculous. Why schedule me for times when she can't seem to deliver? I give up. I can't even complain for another 30 minutes because the center doesn't open until 9am. I'm almost ready to just say screw this appointment, and sign me up with someone else. I keep up my end of the bargain, she hasn't, FOUR TIMES NOW. The issue is if I book an appointment with someone else today, she can't see me, despite missing my appointment. I really could have used her help today, because I'm not sure the new med is right for me. I'll just not take it. It's for anxiety and I'm sick and tired of trying anyway. I think I am just gonna tell them if she can't fit me in before 6pm like before, she can forget it today. Beyond that, there isn't another chance going to be given. That is, whether I see her or not today this WILL be the last time I see her. I can't believe this is legitimately happening...

EDIT: She was going to "squeeze me in" at 5:15PM tonight. I told them that is completely unacceptable and I want to see someone else. I deserve better than having to wait around all day because she missed an appointment. They worked with me and got me in with someone new tomorrow at 10:15. Let's pray that goes well.

Wow. That reminds me of my old pdoc. I would show up to my appointment only to be told he wasn't there. I switched from that pdoc to an NP at a different (state run) practice and never looked back.

I hope your new psychiatrist works out well for you

dear soupe,
Keep your appointment.lean on her or him to help you. or write in a journal then bring it is to show them It could be very cathartic.
Do you have a job, couldn't quite tell in your writings.
I am sorry it is so hard.

this transition is the toughest one you will make.
Do some more baking.the smell of cookies can make it feel more home like. Do have a cubbie hole where you can make it your place to write read or what ever.
self sooth, nurture your self.
go to a coffee shop and just sit and be with people, so you don't feel so isolated.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Have you ever tried eating them in a bowl together?

Quote:

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow Would you believe it? A fourth missed appointment BY MY PSYCHIATRIST. I am a stickler for punctuality, I know but this is beyond ridiculous. Why schedule me for times when she can't seem to deliver? I give up. I can't even complain for another 30 minutes because the center doesn't open until 9am. I'm almost ready to just say screw this appointment, and sign me up with someone else. I keep up my end of the bargain, she hasn't, FOUR TIMES NOW. The issue is if I book an appointment with someone else today, she can't see me, despite missing my appointment. I really could have used her help today, because I'm not sure the new med is right for me. I'll just not take it. It's for anxiety and I'm sick and tired of trying anyway. I think I am just gonna tell them if she can't fit me in before 6pm like before, she can forget it today. Beyond that, there isn't another chance going to be given. That is, whether I see her or not today this WILL be the last time I see her. I can't believe this is legitimately happening... EDIT: She was going to "squeeze me in" at 5:15PM tonight. I told them that is completely unacceptable and I want to see someone else. I deserve better than having to wait around all day because she missed an appointment. They worked with me and got me in with someone new tomorrow at 10:15. Let's pray that goes well.

4 times?! That is absolutely intolerable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Have you ever tried eating them in a bowl together?

No, but I will!

Soupe, I'm very sorry that you're feeling rotten. Do you think it's "homesickness"?

I remember being at work, or somewhere else, and thinking over and over again that “I

@Soupe du jour

This is interesting to me. You just want to "get home" even when you are already home. I go back and forth between wanting to be home and wanting to be out. It's a balance I guess. But the feeling of always wanting to be where you are not is not a good one. I've had a time when I was younger - 21 or so- when I left work at lunch and went to the mall (just down the street from the factory) and just ate my lunch in the middle of the mall and revelled in the idea that nobody knew where I was! This was before cell phones and I didn't have a pager. Anyway, I don't know if that exactly relates to what you're talking about but it made me think of it.

I also put a light coating of granulated sugar on top. Yum!

This looks like it got cut off.

This was the first day in a week that I legit felt well enough physically to run errands. I went to a couple grocery stores to check out the Christmas stuff. I didn’t find anything good. Then I went to the gas station and I found a couple bottles of the new gingerbread Mountain Dew. Before I had only been finding cases. I then got my haircut and it was a complete mess before and she did a really good job on it. I was worried I’d look like a butch lesbian but I look like a normal masculine modern guy. Then I decided to look for a 15 pound weighted blanket and I asked my mom if she could run into the store I applied and got a job offer for and then turned them down. She said I should come in with her. I figured they wouldn’t recognize me since I only met with them once and that was 3 months ago and I’m wearing a hoodie, hat, camo pants and medical mask today instead of a button up shirt, no hat, jeans, high top Vans, and N95 mask. Not to mention I’m 10 pounds less then I was back then. So of course they do recognize me. The manager who I dealt with was off in the Christmas aisle with a few employees and the cashier I dealt with back then was upfront. The manager and I exchanged glances every once in awhile but the cashier was preoccupied with other things. I found a 10 pound weighted throw blanket which I bought and then I just left. I just don’t get how they recognized me to begin with.

But this time change is still kinda messing with me and I woke up early and my anxiety is tough but things have eased up since yesterday. The weighted throw is nice but it’s basically just the size of a regular blanket. it’s completely covering me and there’s still some just hanging on the bed. So it’s pretty big and I’ll probably end up sleeping with it most of the time.

It’s a complete brilliant day. 61 degrees and sunny. I’m in mind to drive to the lake again and sit awhile. For November in Minnesota this is heaven. Of course we have snow predicted on Friday.

Mum was doing her wash this morning and there’s a leak! No idea what it is but I’m hoping it’s the hose connector not the machine it’sself. I can’t remember when when got this one but it’s within the last year. With mum’s luck the warranty will be expired. I wanted to get the one with the 5 year warranty and a good rating by consumers magazine but mum liked this one, it was pretty!, The better rated one had old fashioned dials and was very plain, this one has a fighter jet backboard with tons of options. Oh well we’ll see. Hope we can get somebody here quickly because I have loads of wash I’d planed on doing today.

Thanks for sharing that, Moose! What you write about is an interesting take on this general idea, but not quite exactly where my mind was taking it. In any case, both of our thoughts were the same in desiring a figurative (or possibly literal) "spot" that we feel most well in. Not feeling that safety, satisfaction, or content, anywhere, is the main frustration.

Hi BethRags. In answer to your question, yes and no. I do feel homesick, but the frustration is not knowing where "home" is. I don't yearn to return to where I came from in New Jersey, but do for some aspects of ease, familiarity, belonging, and other things that just feel right. There was also actually a lot lacking in where I came from, and less security in many ways. Examples of the latter were not being able to afford to live there anymore, not having the security of the universal healthcare coverage I have now, and other things. I still want them. I appreciate those things, here in Czech Republic.

I don't miss the politics and growing fury in the U.S. It's much calmer here in CZ. If I could have ignored that, I would have.