Bipolar check-in #60

I just ate a bowl of cavatappi pasta and am now in a carb coma! It had been ages since I actually cooked pasta and ate it with cheese and butter .I am on the couch with the blanket my mom made me over me and my hot water bottle next to me watching YouTube. I totally want to sleep but if I don't get a good night's sleep tonight then I might not wake up in time for my appointment in the morning.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 This looks like it got cut off.

Soupe, your post cut off. How're you doing?

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hi BethRags. In answer to your question, yes and no. I do feel homesick, but the frustration is not knowing where "home" is. I don't yearn to return to where I came from in New Jersey, but do for some aspects of ease, familiarity, belonging, and other things that just feel right. There was also actually a lot lacking in where I came from, and less security in many ways. Examples of the latter were not being able to afford to live there anymore, not having the security of the universal healthcare coverage I have now, and other things. I still want them. I appreciate those things, here in Czech Republic. I don't miss the politics and growing fury in the U.S. It's much calmer here in CZ. If I could have ignored that, I would have.

I think your feeling is totally normal, considering the huge change you made in your life. For some reason this popped into my mind...you might pay special attention to the dreams you have while asleep. They may give you insight.

My nephew just told me he has cancer. He's 44 years old (my sisters are much older than I am, so my nieces & nephews are closer to my age than my sisters are). I'm pretty shaken up. His mother, my sister, died 4 years ago from cancer. She did have 15 years after hew initial diagnosis. My nephew is a sweetheart - and he's 6'7"! Big guy.

Why does it feel like every day brings something to worry about...

Ugh. I wish I could lie down with a lot of blankets and sleep.

Thanks for the suggestion, Beth. I'll try to remember to do this. The problem is that I infrequently remember my nighttime dreams. Obviously I have them, but I can't even recall one, lately. I think I had one having to do something with a bird, maybe a week back.

On occasion I do talk in my sleep, or even sleepwalk or appear awake, when not. My husband tells me about these occurrences. Some months back was a very notable case.

I'm also sorry to hear about your nephew. Hopefully he'll fight it off quick and well.

So sorry to hear about your nephew Beth. I hope he gets excellent care and responds very well to treatment.

I managed to wait to take until the correct time to take half my night meds. I asked my mom if she could go to Walgreens and get me the correct Benadryl gel capsules that are work well with both my sleep and anxiety. I ran out of them and then she got the wrong kind that just got my anxiety going real bad. I drank a cherry Vanilla Coke Zero. I think I’ve just gotten used to the flat carbonation no flavor taste of soda. I’m hoping the soda late in the day will help me stay up a bit later then usual so I can get back on track with my sleep. Right now with getting my meds on time for the first time in 2 days I feel like I’m starting to get used to the time change. I may switch up the intermittent fasting and do things an hour later then I had been. Like fast from 4:30PM until 7:30AM instead of 3:30-6:30 and see if that helps me sleep better. But I’m not very hungry today so I stopped eating early.

There’s some nasty non Covid stuff going around out there. My cousins baby was in the hospital with a respiratory infection. She’s home now. But my uncle (father of my cousin who had the sick baby) his girlfriend had a respiratory infection and was in the hospital and almost didn’t make it. She’s a smoker though. Then all 3 of us in my family had respiratory stuff for a week and so did my nephews and brother in law. But there’s some creepy non Covid stuff going around right now that is very easy to get. My brother is still coughing and my mom is still just a bit tired but I’m fine.

This supposed “throw” 10 pound weighted blanket is so big I may just donate my 8 pound weighted blanket and just keep this and the 12 pound one. I’ve had the 8 pound one for almost 11 years and I got it through some funding program that helped pay for a lot of my mental health stuff when I was a teenager.

I have a 20 pound queen size one but it doesn’t work. I have a queen size bed but I’m not a queen size person. I’m a bit smaller than a twin size person. So I’m getting about 7 pounds of the queen size. I didn’t think it would be so confusing. But this throw is pretty perfect.

@WindsThatBlow

Reminds me of an old pdoc who would schedule appts at 9am and then not even walk in the door until 9:30 and STILL keep me waiting for at least a half hour after that! Every single time I was waiting for at least an hour. When my insurance changed and I could find a new one I left asap.

So sorry to hear about your nephew, I hope it’s the curable kind. There’s a lot of cancer. In the families that both my nephews married into but so far the cancer was treated well. There’s been breast, throat and kidney cancer and all of them are doing well. I hope the same for your nephew.

Work was TORTURE. I was just so depressed and irritable, every voice was like a jolt in my head. I’m home now and I have literally sat on the couch and not moved. RS is doing the dishes and making spaghetti for dinner. I feel like such a bum. A lazy loser. I hate when he’s up doing stuff and I’m just sitting here like a lump.

I legit want to go to bed now and sleep until morning. I wish I had PTO, I would absolutely not go to work tomorrow. But I know I took a crazy amount of time off already for my son. I have to be there as much as possible. Im taking off next Tuesday for RS’s grandpa’s service.

Ugh I really can’t wait until my pdoc appt. Good news is RS finally found my Xanax (All the way under the bed where I couldn’t see) so the anxiety has lessened.

I just napped. Didn't mean to fall asleep. I woke up when my mom called to ask me what pharmacy I use. Now I'm watching YouTube and sitting here under the blanket with my hot water bottle.

I've been feeling intermittently physically unwell, these last few days. Primarily mild upset stomach. Taking some antacids and prn Ativan have helped, so I'll assume anxiety is part of it. If so, it would be low grade without a very clear cause.

Yesterday I made a batch of Christmas cookies. A new variety. I'm not in the Christmas spirit, rather trying to distract myself by improving my blog. Someone here suggested I continue baking. I think I remember who, but wouldn't want to guess wrong. In any case, it is a good suggestion. I plan to make another two different varieties. All Czech Christmas cookies. I have a post "More than 10 Varieties of Czech Christmas Cookies, plus". This year, there will likely be 13 cookie recipes, plus three Christmas breads, and a few Christmas confections. Frankly, I'm even wondering if I should get a new WordPress theme that is more conducive to recipe posting. Right now, my theme is more appropriate for articles and reflections. Sometimes I wonder if a monetized blog might be worth considering. If I do, I'd ideally need to link it to more social media, which I've hesitated doing. And post more. Even possible? Otherwise, my SEO (Search Engine Optimization) skills improve all of the time. A cooking blog would surely increase my grocery bills. Worth it?

I have therapy in less than an hour. We'd better leave soon, but Hubby is in the shower as I type this.

I got up at 7 this morning all on my own! (I went to bed around 8 though.) I've been up perfectly awake. I got a shower first thing and got dressed in the clothes I laid out for today. I have my Covid booster at 11. I have to get there a little before and of course stay about 15 minutes after. I had breakfast and a couple cups of house coffee. Then later I am getting my tires! Woot!

I woke up at 7 too! Took the recycling out and washed up the dishes. In a while I’ll go pick up a few cases of spring water that’s on sale. Then pretty much the day is open, … let me not forget today is $5 day at the theater! I forgot to go last week and Dune is still playing this week!

My therapist was late in seeing me (he fell behind with other clients), but I'll admit I felt better after finally seeing him. I told him so. Like Moose, I also got a shower this morning. I really needed one! I didn't do all the necessary stuff, but enough.

Hubby and I found a pretty good mixed East Asian restaurant downtown. They had Chinese-like dishes, as well as Vietnamese and quasi East Asian. The food tasted really good, though. It was a pleasant environment in the restaurant, with nice tables, but was a sort of food court place where you order based on pictures/descriptions posted. Not handheld menus.

I’m kinda anxious and tired and cold today I can guess why I slept basically though the night but fitfully. After 1:30 I was up every 5 to 20 minutes at a time until I woke up for good around 5. But I managed to take a shower at my normal time and eat breakfast at 6:30. So I’m hopefully back on track with my intermittent fasting. But yeah today I’m just kinda I had a couple pumpkin English muffins for breakfast. My bleeding came back for the first time in a few days this is also the first time I’ve had pain in a few days too. I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t have done. I didn’t even sleep in jeans last night.

I think I’ll get a chicken noodle soup bread bowl from Panera. I don’t really want all that sodium and carbs but I’m so cold and anxious I could just really use the comfort food right now and I can fit it into my diet pretty easily. Plus I don’t feel like eating a ton of little things anyways to get to my goal today so if I can eat 3 decent meals and no snacks then it’s less work. Sometimes I’m just too lazy to eat.

I’m wearing old spice deodorant and it reminds me of my dad. I always liked it way better then my moms perfume. Same way I liked watching my dad shave more then I liked watching my mom put on perfume. I didn’t even know how makeup really worked until I started watching RuPauls Drag Race in 2017. I didn’t know you had to like blend it together. I also remember being super jealous when I was 5 that boys got to go to to the bathroom standing up. I even tried it one time but it didn’t go exactly the way I had planned.

@Mountaindewed I also wished I had a penis so that I could pee standing up. I think most girls at some point when they're young (like 4 or 5) find this a novelty.

Luckily it’s possible for me to get one with surgery. I just have to figure out if that’s what I really want. Top surgery I wanted ever since I first got breasts when I was 10. But bottom surgery just takes a lot more thinking since there’s a ton more involved and very few doctors who can do the surgery.

I know they make protestics for trans men so they can pee standing up. They are call pee to stand packers. But I’ve heard they can make you look like you have an erection. I’ve been thinking its time I need to buy just a regular packer. But they are expensive and placement is everything with those as well.

I just pull down my hoodie a lot and hope that doesn’t draw attention as well.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I’m kinda anxious and tired and cold today I can guess why Possible trigger: I guess I’m a bit over medicated today. I took 30 mil of melatonin and then 2 Benadryl and then I also skipped dinner too last night I slept basically though the night but fitfully. After 1:30 I was up every 5 to 20 minutes at a time until I woke up for good around 5. But I managed to take a shower at my normal time and eat breakfast at 6:30. So I’m hopefully back on track with my intermittent fasting. But yeah today I’m just kinda Possible trigger: lethargic and I don’t know if I’m just over medicated because I really did sleep decently compared to other recent nights. Maybe I need protein I had a couple pumpkin English muffins for breakfast. My bleeding came back for the first time in a few days this is also the first time I’ve had pain in a few days too. I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t have done. I didn’t even sleep in jeans last night. I think I’ll get a chicken noodle soup bread bowl from Panera. I don’t really want all that sodium and carbs but I’m so cold and anxious I could just really use the comfort food right now and I can fit it into my diet pretty easily. Plus I don’t feel like eating a ton of little things anyways to get to my goal today so if I can eat 3 decent meals and no snacks then it’s less work. Sometimes I’m just too lazy to eat. I’m wearing old spice deodorant and it reminds me of my dad. I always liked it way better then my moms perfume. Same way I liked watching my dad shave more then I liked watching my mom put on perfume. I didn’t even know how makeup really worked until I started watching RuPauls Drag Race in 2017. I didn’t know you had to like blend it together. I also remember being super jealous when I was 5 that boys got to go to to the bathroom standing up. I even tried it one time but it didn’t go exactly the way I had planned.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 @Mountaindewed I also wished I had a penis so that I could pee standing up. I think most girls at some point when they're young (like 4 or 5) find this a novelty.

I remember thinking it was rather clever that boys could pee standing up (I was 4 or so), at the same time I thought it looked dirty because pee could get on their feet. LOL

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Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow ....

I'm confused because when I try to reply to the posts you make I'm given a message that you have put me on ignore. Yet, when I reply to you on this thread, the Check-In thread, I can. I wish I knew what's going on. I'm so sorry if I've offended you...I have no clue how, and I feel bad about it.

I've been having a bad time with my short-term memory lately. For example, I type out a post, then my mind gets kind-of fuzzy and I worry that I've already typed the same sentences. I have to check. Doing the most simple math - forget it. I can't remember the numbers I'm working with, the entire endeavor is pathetic. I am thinking that the forgetfulness and fuzziness is a med side effect. Either that, or I have early dementia. Sheesh.

Lolli-pops all around

My therapist thinks I also have OCD in addition to my other diagnoses. Which is really glaringly obvious now that I look at the symptoms and compare them to mine. Like how the hell did no one mention this to me before in my 10 plus years of mental health treatment. Maybe because it's just gotten so extremely bad the past year so now it's a bit more obvious to others I guess. I hope there's something I can do to help manage this because it's causing a lot of problems in my life every single day.

I had a really, really rough day yesterday

Anyway, the cat bed I ordered came today. I'm still waiting till the kittens are old enough so I can pick one to come live with me, they're still very young so have to be with their mom for awhile longer. I have everything I need except a litter box, I'll have to pick one up next time I go to Walmart

Tomorrow I'm going to get some blood work done. Then I have an appointment with my primary care doctor later in the day.

I made it to the movies tonight. I went to the 4pm showing it was great very few people anywhere and the theater only had 3 people. The theater is very very nice. Big plush recliner chairs. And they had CC devices and knew what I needed when I said I read lips. Very nice service. It was cool you pick out the place you want to sit so everyone is spread out, not that that showing needed to be spread out. But man, a large drink is huge. Next time I’ll get a medium. When I came out there were a lot of people standing in line. I picked the right time to go. There were only two minuses the temperatures, it was freezing and the drive home in the dark. But I’ll definitely do this again!

Blue bird I see why your confused a bit by the movie, that was only half the book! I think if enough people go they’ll make part 2 and finish the book. I liked it but then I’m not much of a movie critic.

I arrived at work extremely depressed, to the point where I contemplated just turning around and going home and making some lame excuse. I even thought well since I’m already here, I’ll go in and make up some reason why I have to leave early. But I’ve already taken 5 days off and left/arrived early two more due to my son being sick or kicked out of school bc he was exposed and the wedding. So I bit the bullet and got out.

Within an hour the abject depression had gone but in its place was restlessness, agitation, and way too much energy. I wanted to pace but my classroom is too full of desks, and the empty space is too far away from my student. She’s very needy and I didn’t want to be too far away because she also speaks low and I can barely hear here when I’m next to her.

When we went out for a mask break I swung on the swings with her for 15 minutes which helped but I was just so restless, I didn’t really sit down when we got back inside.

I’ve been restless most of the evening. Talked to my therapist and I couldn’t keep my words straight and I know I was jumping around topics. I was tired like 20 minutes ago but not anymore. I should have tried to go to sleep then. But maybe I’ll fall asleep ok. Who knows. If I can’t get to sleep by 11 I’ll take seroquel bc I can’t be up all hours of the night with work in the AM.