Bipolar check-in #60

I have had sleep troubles my whole life, when I wasn't medicated and when I am medicated. I sometimes wonder if some people are perhaps designed naturally, to be awake at night. My mind is a lot more focused and clearer in the evening into the night, I am at peak performance during these times. Think about back to ancient times...back to hunters and gatherers, the people who need to stay up at night to stand watch. What if that is still a part of human programming, even though we have evolved to where we are now. It used to be a disposition for survival. Society seems to think we should all be cookie-cutter beings, following a standard universal routine. Well, not everyone is the same. In fact, I don't know anyone who is completely the same as anyone else.

I have insomnia? I am irresponsible? I don't like to sleep? What if this is my natural design and it's different.

Just throwing thoughts out there to anyone else who is more awake at night.

Ok...newbie here....first time on any support forum.

I am just not ok tonight. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to cry. I have cried a lot today. I have so much to be thankful for and things I need to be ok for (kids and husband). I am struggling, I lost my job, it fell into my lap and it was great while it lasted but now it is gone and getting a new one is going to be tough. I have awesome experience, my phone voice is great and I am amazing at customer service.

The issue...my background
9 years ago my life imploded and from that I have a criminal history. It is not drugs and it is not violent but it is still a felony and 2 misdemeanors. I was undiagnosed and without even knowing what it was I was manic....and then it got worse....I dont know how people didn't notice, I should have been hospitalized sooner for the break but the damage was already done. I have worked my *** off since then with therapy and physhs taking my meds and doing everything I had to comply with. I didn't do any prison time but I did have to do 30 days in my county jail. 30 days, 1 year of probation and a $3,000 fine was my punishment for the crimes I committed.

Tonight as I cap a day of applying for 50+ jobs and that is over 150 for the last 2 weeks 12 interviews and 75 solid NO's as they reviewed my answer in the felony box and saw the background. I just feel defeated and I am finding it awful hard to see myself in a positive light. I know this is temporary but it is HARD not being the person you want to be because no matter how hard you try there is no changing what's on your background. All I can do is move forward, though I suppose that is the hard part.

Thanks for letting me just write that out, maybe it will help

I agree with you about the cookie cutter beings. It seems like non conformity is punished by being ostracized from the other’s in the group. But we’re the wired one’s.

We discussed this a lot in a group I went to years ago. I thought I was meant to be the night guard of the tribe, but then I realized I can't sleep during the day either!
But yeah, some people are definitely wired to sleep different shifts from what we're told we should sleep and each individual has to play around with their sleep schedule/work schedule over the years to see what works best for them.

I think it was just the . I didn’t take anything at all to sleep and while I still woke up at midnight I feel a lot better physically then I have been feeling recently.

I’m going to ask my mom if she’d be willing to switch beds with me again. I don’t think this memory foam mattress has ever really worked out since we switched in September. I think that’s when my sleep got real bad. 4/7 nights of the week are bad and lately it’s been worse.

I just had a ton of diarrhea I don’t know why but it may just be some kind of delayed reaction but I don’t know what I can do about it. I never got back to sleep. I tried for 6 hours without any TV and I had no luck. I took zero sleep meds the entire night.

All I know is that when I used to take seroquel I could get some sleep the first night after not taking it because there was still some in my system. Probably the same with you especially because you took such large amounts.

I’m hoping my Pdoc can prescribe the visteril again for my anxiety along with Valium. Then hopefully my endocrinologist will have some answers. Hopefully by the end of the week. If he can’t do anything now at least I’m seeing him on the 11th of December and we’ll have something worked out so I won’t be feeling miserable on Christmas. I really think my testosterone level just got screwed up as a result of my hysterectomy and my dose needs to be adjusted. I’m sure my mom will have no problem switching beds with me. She slept fine on both of them and she’s offered to switch back before. But I just feel so crappy right now and at this exact moment there’s nothing I can do but wait things out until my post op appointment with my gynecologist.

I was told by someone today, " I really don't give a **** about how you feel."

charming!

I don't feel great aside from that anyway.

I feel that my life is just getting worse day by day

I've been debating with myself over what has been causing my recent malaise, and decrease in physical wellness. Of course I have catastrophized. I'm not a habitual hypochondriac, but an occasional one. After reasoning with myself, I now think that some of my issue is sinusitis. I've had issues with that throughout my life, and it is ALWAYS at its worst in the autumn. Plus, after months and months of sunny days where I live, a general gloom has set in here. Cloudy and dark, but with no rain. I think if it rained, I'd be a little happier. I like rain, and especially its sound. At least in New Jersey it does rain a good amount, though sometimes too much. I am now also living at a higher degree latitude. I'm at 49.2 (almost the same as Vancouver, British Columbia) instead of 40.3 (similar to Naples, Italy) where I used to live. Maybe that's a factor?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird ... Otherwise, I had some anxiety today about worrying that my place isn't clean enough. Just a weird reoccurring obsession I have, that's not based in reality. I'm planning on working on that with my therapist when we meet next week, because it's causing me problems, such as severe panic attacks. ...

Oooh, I have that problem. No matter how much I clean and straighten things I feel like I haven't done enough. Good idea to talk with your T about it. I've never thought of doing that.

Well, I'm awake. My plan to get to bed early happened about 9, but I woke up at midnight. I drank some caffeine free soda and laid back down, woke up intermittently. I went ahead and got out of bed about 5 minutes ago. Still not feeling great today. I feel angry and fed up. I think I will take my frustration out physically by walking. I think it's warm today or if not -- the cold air won't be comfortable but it is doable. I need the exercise and no one here or elsewhere has to listen to me go on about how emotionally liable I am. A win-win right?


A shout out to anyone who has served, or has a loved one who has served, in the armed forces. It takes a brave commitment to do something like that. Thank you for what you've done.

Yeah it's frustrating, I'm always doubting myself and convincing myself my place is a wreck when it's in reality not at all, it's actually clean and organized

I figure my therapist could help me work on dealing with some of my obsessions, learn to let them go, I hope so at least

I can relate to that. The fall allergens blowing around. For the last few days I wake up with a headache on my left side of the head right where sinuses cavity is. But once I’m up, sitting up it slowly goes away. I was just wondering this morning about taking Benadryl at night as a precaution? Also we just turned the heat on recently, when I lived in Texas I had an AC almost year round.

Well I saw my gynecologist. He is this old guy. He has great bed side manner but the way he talks can be a bit odd at times. Like he talks to me like we are just guy buddies or something. So he’s totally accepting that I’m trans but he like calls the nurses “the girls” Which I mean I guess whatever. But anyways the nurse checked my weight and I had gone down. I was wearing my heavy boots and a big hoodie. Then she asked the basic med questions and symptom questions. I mentioned the pain and bleeding. The doctor came in and said he was going to do an internal. Which I was glad. That’s when he made the “ill be back with one of the girls” comment. So I took off my jeans and boots. And they came back. The internal hurt but I’m super sensitive in general in that area. He said I’m healing ok but I’m not completely healed. Typically people who have hysterectomies are completely healed after 6 weeks. I was honest with him and I told him I had not exactly been careful. He said to not doing anything for another 2 week and if the bleeding continues for another month to call back but if everything is ok then I don’t have to see him for a year. I asked him if the hysterectomy could be contributing to my mood issues I’ve been having recently and he said that he took out everything that would cause any female emotions. So it’s not like PMS or anything like that. So he agreed with me that it’s probably likely that I need an increase in my testosterone as a result of the hysterectomy and not having any estrogen anymore. So I’m hoping to hear from my endocrinologist today about my blood work to see what can be done. But I actually feel quite a bit better after getting the gynecologist over with. I didn’t realize how much it was stressing me out. And he was super nice today. As weird and expensive as my therapist is I set up an extra session with her tomorrow at 11. Things are just so out of whack I’m not sure how to make it through the weekend without as much support as I can get right now. Saturdays when I get my weekly injections can be very bad with the thoughts I get. Support on a friday would be very good.

My vacuum just died! I was vacuuming and it started to smoke! I put it outside because it smelled bad and then after a few minutes went to see if there was a hair or string or something wound around the brush. Look what I found! (Pic). I just want to throw it away and get a new one rather than deal with all that! Ugh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilbittybaking Ok...newbie here....first time on any support forum. I am just not ok tonight. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to cry. I have cried a lot today. I have so much to be thankful for and things I need to be ok for (kids and husband). I am struggling, I lost my job, it fell into my lap and it was great while it lasted but now it is gone and getting a new one is going to be tough. I have awesome experience, my phone voice is great and I am amazing at customer service. The issue...my background 9 years ago my life imploded and from that I have a criminal history. It is not drugs and it is not violent but it is still a felony and 2 misdemeanors. I was undiagnosed and without even knowing what it was I was manic....and then it got worse....I dont know how people didn't notice, I should have been hospitalized sooner for the break but the damage was already done. I have worked my *** off since then with therapy and physhs taking my meds and doing everything I had to comply with. I didn't do any prison time but I did have to do 30 days in my county jail. 30 days, 1 year of probation and a $3,000 fine was my punishment for the crimes I committed. Tonight as I cap a day of applying for 50+ jobs and that is over 150 for the last 2 weeks 12 interviews and 75 solid NO's as they reviewed my answer in the felony box and saw the background. I just feel defeated and I am finding it awful hard to see myself in a positive light. I know this is temporary but it is HARD not being the person you want to be because no matter how hard you try there is no changing what's on your background. All I can do is move forward, though I suppose that is the hard part. Thanks for letting me just write that out, maybe it will help

Hi @lilbittybaking - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry your mental health issues went untreated and there were consequences from that. I think you might find some interesting prospects for employers by doing a google search on "organizations that hire felons". I just think starting there everyone knows the elephant in the room and there is no need to worry about that, just present your skills as best you can.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 My vacuum just died! I was vacuuming and it started to smoke! I put it outside because it smelled bad and then after a few minutes went to see if there was a hair or string or something wound around the brush. Look what I found! (Pic). I just want to throw it away and get a new one rather than deal with all that! Ugh.

Oh moose that happens. Another thing that burning smell might be is the rubber band that drives the vacuum impeller. You can buy new rubber pieces to replace it but be sure and get the right size. That silver plate comes off to show the rubber drive belt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Well I saw my gynecologist. He is this old guy. He has great bed side manner but the way he talks can be a bit odd at times. Like he talks to me like we are just guy buddies or something. So he’s totally accepting that I’m trans but he like calls the nurses “the girls” Which I mean I guess whatever. But anyways the nurse checked my weight and I had gone down. I was wearing my heavy boots and a big hoodie. Then she asked the basic med questions and symptom questions. I mentioned the pain and bleeding. The doctor came in and said he was going to do an internal. Which I was glad. That’s when he made the “ill be back with one of the girls” comment. So I took off my jeans and boots. And they came back. The internal hurt but I’m super sensitive in general in that area. He said I’m healing ok but I’m not completely healed. Typically people who have hysterectomies are completely healed after 6 weeks. I was honest with him and I told him I had not exactly been careful. He said to not doing anything for another 2 week and if the bleeding continues for another month to call back but if everything is ok then I don’t have to see him for a year. I asked him if the hysterectomy could be contributing to my mood issues I’ve been having recently and he said that he took out everything that would cause any female emotions. So it’s not like PMS or anything like that. So he agreed with me that it’s probably likely that I need an increase in my testosterone as a result of the hysterectomy and not having any estrogen anymore. So I’m hoping to hear from my endocrinologist today about my blood work to see what can be done. But I actually feel quite a bit better after getting the gynecologist over with. I didn’t realize how much it was stressing me out. And he was super nice today. As weird and expensive as my therapist is I set up an extra session with her tomorrow at 11. Things are just so out of whack I’m not sure how to make it through the weekend without as much support as I can get right now. Saturdays when I get my weekly injections can be very bad with the thoughts I get. Support on a friday would be very good.

I admire your courage. Pat yourself on the back! I wouldn't even have the courage to open up about not being as careful as I should have been.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 My vacuum just died! I was vacuuming and it started to smoke! I put it outside because it smelled bad and then after a few minutes went to see if there was a hair or string or something wound around the brush. Look what I found! (Pic). I just want to throw it away and get a new one rather than deal with all that! Ugh.

UGGGGHHH! I hate when vacuums die! I've owned so many vacuums I can't even remember them all.

To be honest I didn’t tell him quite everything. But he said things looked ok so I guess it didn’t matter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Yeah it's frustrating, I'm always doubting myself and convincing myself my place is a wreck when it's in reality not at all, it's actually clean and organized I figure my therapist could help me work on dealing with some of my obsessions, learn to let them go, I hope so at least

I get stuck in the "I just mopped, but I didn't do it well enough." My apartment is clean too - to someone else, just not to me. It really is an obsession.

Sorry about your job. That’s a tough position to be in.

We got the brush cleaned out. The bag was completely full and the filter was dirty so I've got to buy those but the vacuum is back from the depths!