Bipolar check-in #61

Tonight is kind of rough.

I'm pretty sure I am just super bummed about not being able to do my therapy appointment in person. My mom went grocery shopping with my brother and picked me up some tuna and pop tarts and candy bars and I was ok anxiety wise today but I was down mood and depression wise all day.

My shot can also cause this type of issue. Normally it does the night I get it. I ate soup for dinner. It was one of those instant campbells microwave bowls. But I just dumped the soup into a soup mug with a handle and heated it up that way. It was tomato.

I dont know what to tell my therapist in the morning. I mean I wont tell her everything because I dont want to go IP but I'll spill my guts enough so that I'll feel better after.

Well the frustration with getting my sleep meds is over for another month. Still no refills so I’ll have to go though all the phone calls again in 30 days. My first doctor would just give me 5-6 refills so I didn’t have to go though this every month.

Oh goodness. I am so sorry you hate having to go through this I can’t imagine. I wonder if you could just get a few days worth of your medications since your truly stranded. Do you use a National pharmacy ?

I will pray that your flight isn’t canceled and you can get home.

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Oh the joys of getting refills on stuff. That stresses me out if I have too many balls up in the air at nice. Hope you get that appt soon

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Sorry Covid got you. Hope you don’t feel to awful. For what’s it’s worth my middle step son and half the wedding guests tested positive but his wife is fine. More than half the other people didn’t spread to other family members. Enjoy binging

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Well that’s just bad luck with everything mucked up with address change. Hope that gets sorted quickly. So happy to read Gabapenten is helping !!! Yay !

Hang in there !

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Sorry that you woke up anxiety attack that is so miserable hopefully your able to get back to getting benefit from the medication

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That nuts that your Therapist acted that way ! Why could she not just wished you well ?? Try to just blow it off . I know easier said than done but you can

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I’m dealing with tons of anxiety today. Jaw hurts and headache from Clenching my teeth.

Massive hugs my friend

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Steve is doing a tad better but it’s off and on. This cough is just brutal. He’s not on oxygen full time the last few days but his breathing treatments help loosen things up which coughing fits drop him into the 80’s

My lungs are a bit better thanks to steroids. I hate them but they help.

I’m no longer contagious so I’m going to see Richard tomorrow or I won’t see him til the 19th and I really want to see him before I see the breast specialist ( the 17th)

Overall I think I’m doing okay despite numerous balls in the air but I am just a circus performer juggling.

Our snow finally melted away today but we have another round coming on Thursday. I feel some relief that the temps are cold again the risk of tornados is gone. A couple interviewed that lost there home to the first deadly tornados found an apartment and they lost that in last weeks tornado .. I can’t even imagine..

Hope everyone is staying warm

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I've never seen that movie but I've always wanted to. I read the book though. All I remember from it is something about a girl and a chicken. Or maybe that was another book.

The book is okay, but the movie is incredible. Daisy was the one with the chickens...intense story.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Steve is doing a tad better but it’s off and on. This cough is just brutal. He’s not on oxygen full time the last few days but his breathing treatments help loosen things up which coughing fits drop him into the 80’s My lungs are a bit better thanks to steroids. I hate them but they help. I’m no longer contagious so I’m going to see Richard tomorrow or I won’t see him til the 19th and I really want to see him before I see the breast specialist ( the 17th) Overall I think I’m doing okay despite numerous balls in the air but I am just a circus performer juggling. Our snow finally melted away today but we have another round coming on Thursday. I feel some relief that the temps are cold again the risk of tornados is gone. A couple interviewed that lost there home to the first deadly tornados found an apartment and they lost that in last weeks tornado .. I can’t even imagine.. Hope everyone is staying warm Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm SO glad the tornado risk is gone!


The image of you in a circus juggling balls is fabulous

It took 4 hours on the phone, but I did get my insurance straightened out. They flipped out because I moved a few months ago from apt. 19 to apt. 16 and didn't let them know.

I've been burning candles lately. I'm enjoying them so much. I wish I could put them all over my apartment, like a medieval castle.

Jennifer, that therapist is off her rocker.


Love all around

I feel down again today. My one issue with the bank is still outstanding despite being on hold for 90 minutes again today. It's a really annoying issue, a review that they require, that i didn't ask for and don't want. But they won't process any more of my money if i don't have it done. It's just them trying to coerce an opportunity to sell me more stuff -- really poor business practice. Last time i had it done, it was a waste of time. I went in person then, pre-COVID and the staff was so mediocre and nervous and repellent i just don't think i can stand to go thru that again. It's none of their business what i want to invest in and it implies that i'm incompetent. Really annoyed with them!

I guess everywhere is short-staffed due to COVID absenteeism. On the news here they have abandoned trying to count new COVID cases because the margin for error is too great. Real numbers are likely four or five times more than what they are able to count. Modified lockdown starts at midnight.

So I've been exposed now to quarantine. This sucks I hate people.

I made it home. Thank God! I had some issues getting here, but in the end, I arrived about an hour ago. My trip overall wasn't bad. I was not looking forward to it, and it could have went a lot worse than it did. It was technically a "vacation" and it was pleasant a lot of the time. I won't complain about it -- but I am so thankful to be home. I have my own bed. It is so funny how much stress was relieved just landing in my home state again, even being an hour and half by car from home. I will sleep well tonight when I finally feel ready to sleep. My brother and his wife seemed a little taken back by our (my mom and myself) frustration with the cancellations. They really didn't understand while we liked being there, hiccups in plans cause chaos, especially for neurotics like us. Above all -- when you overextend your stay (in this case, without a want to) it just seems like an intrusion. We were ready to come home, and had to spend 5 extra days there but not enjoying ourselves, constantly playing a guessing game of "will the flight be cancelled?". You get it right? Travel is stressful like that.

I have therapy and my psychiatrist the 6th (I want to say "tomorrow" because technically it is, but it's misleading to say that at almost 3am on the 5th lol). I have a lot to talk about with my therapist and and not much change I don't think with my psychiatrist. My meds are working I think. I'm happy leaving them as dosages they are at unless she insists on increasing them.

My brother and I did have a few heart-to-heart convos -- short ones, brief and kinda situational, but I think he realizes a little better how I tend to suffer through a lot. Even though we are very much different people with different driving forces, it felt kinda nice to not feel so isolated and someone who could understand on a more personal level some of the things I go through daily. I did appreciate that. I found a core thing I want to talk about in therapy though. The idea of "Would you do it all over again?" -- that is, make the major choices you did in life that were hard because they were worth it in the end. I quickly, and very firmly, can say no. It was not worth it the first time around for all the pain and suffering it all caused. None of it. It does mean I would have never gotten a degree, a masters at that, got married, moved out, be independent, got a car, a license, etc. I understand that very well, but what it comes down to is this -- The things I've done for myself I can't justify ever going through that pain to do it again... how exactly do I make choices in the future for ME when I'm hindered and tethered to others who make that seem impossible? -- Again, this is a question for my therapist, not you guys -- I'm just thinking out loud. Just curious if any of you have ever been there, if you want to share your experience.



So I am just so happy to be home. It's so nice to just have my own things and feel comfortable. I hope I don't wait another 14 years to visit Virginia Beach and my brother, but I don't plan on making anymore trips anytime soon!

I so glad you finally got that flight home. I would have felt exactly as you described, if I had been in your shoes.

That's wonderful that you had a heart to heart with your brother and he "heard" you and seems to understand your situation better. I've had similar with my sister these past few years, after never having such talks.

I'd lie if I wrote that I have never dwelled on "could haves", "if I only hads", etc. But on the whole, I try to live in the present and acknowledge what I do have that is good and that I have the health necessary for future good times. I've also asked myself "What if I did XXX, then I never would have met my husband?" Or, "Who would have thought that after everything I went through that I'd be in Europe, starting a new challenge (yes) but also adventure."

Winds that blow I’m so glad you got your flight home. Yes, your own bed! How sweet is that.

Though I’ve been back home for a couple years now I haven’t had a heart to heart talk with my sisters so kudus on that.

Snow is coming tomorrow where I live. Ugh. I’m
Not ready!!!!!

My class will be over Jan 8. Thank god. Then my spring term begins the 10th

I'm doing good today. My stomach issues seemed to have been constipation and my anxiety seems to be ok today after getting my shot yesterday. I'm still not sure getting my shot every 1.5 weeks is good or if I should go back to every week. But I'll talk to my doctor about it when I see him in March.

I had a remote therapy appointment today. I griped for a few minutes about not being in the office today. Then we got really deep. I don't remember how but the conversation of course turned to my transfrence T. I really spilled my guts about her this time. My therapist asked if I ever did any of the same things that she did. And I admitted that I ate pizza Goldfish crackers because they were her favorite and I mentioned the candy I eat that reminds me of her. After talking about my past a bit she seems to think I have an obsession with authority figures because I never got any discipline at home and I got away with a lot. Which is true and something I've often thought of. My parents never grounded me for anything I did.

We both admitted my behavior and obsession is a bit creepy. I told her not to think less of me and she told me she doesnt. She said she was pushing me today but I didnt feel like she was. I felt like I was just being really honest because I trust her more then I've trusted a lot of other therapists including my transference T. I've never in my life told anyone I eat the same foods of the people I like. I told her I wasn't even sure if I even liked the candy or not. She told me she never heard me mention the taste or anything. Just that I ate it because it reminded me of her. I also told her I prefer tomato flavored Goldfish over pizza.

I guess if she's pushing me she's doing it correctly if I'm not getting worked up. I've had therapists push me to the point of making me angry and still not back down after.

Now my stomach ache and nausea and loss of appetite came back. After I think 9 rounds of explosive diarrhiea yesterday, I think I can rule out constipation as a cause.

I finally got my car's tires changed over to snow tires. We've had just one major snowfall so far, so we've been lucky.

My pdoc got back to me earlier today and agreed to increase my Trintellix, so I took a second dose this morning instead of waiting for tomorrow to increase it.

My first few days of the new year were going so well. I was happy and content, and my anxiety was the lowest it had been in weeks. Then suddenly today I feel like I'm in this pit of sadness and anxiety over not knowing what I'm doing with my life, and I can't shake it. I am so tired of having days like this. I keep trying to give myself some grace and tell myself it's okay that I don't know what my next steps are in life, but sometimes I feel like I self-sabotage by making myself feel guilty that I don't have a plan just yet.

Trying to take some deep breaths and telling myself I'll be okay. I know that I don't need to have all the answers right now.

All the tests have ruled out anything detectable wrong with my cat. But he is still losing weight. He is now down to 12 pounds. He eats when we refill the dry food bowls AM and PM. He could be eating during the day too but I know for sure he at least eats then. There’s nothing to really do at this point. They can’t definitively detect cancer.

I had to weigh myself in order to weigh him and I am extremely upset with my weight, which is why I was avoiding it. I know I was wearing my clothes and I’ve just eaten dinner and I’m having a lot of bloating but I’m just….ugh. This is why I haven’t weighed myself or kept track of calories/carbs in a month or so. Well, I’ll just have to write out some positive affirmations about how I’m not defined by a number or some s***.

I’ll be starting dairy elimination tomorrow. I have been cutting out major dairy like regular milk with my cereal and yogurt and ice cream, but I’ve had cheese sandwiches and thrown in cheese with my eggs, things like that. I have to completely eliminate to really see if it helps.

I also think I have gastritis. I’m having the burning pain under my right rib again, but I’m not bingeing or eating lots of fatty foods like I was years ago when it was bad. A lot of places are closing specialist offices because of Covid again so I’m not even going to bother. I’ve had my pancreas and gallbladder checked at least three times now over 5 years. They never find anything. Once they did detect H. Pylori, the cause of ulcers and inflammation, but like I said no one’s letting you in except for emergencies. I’ll just follow recommendations online (not crackpot ones though).