Bipolar check-in #62

Today was a wonderful day because the two troublemaking, drama-loving girls were not there. It was the OG crew plus another who has slid in quite nicely.

My only trouble is that my stomach pain has been increasing. Pain in stomach that radiates to my back. I realize this sounds like a gallbladder attack, but I’ve gotten an ultrasound three times and they can’t find anything wrong. I even had one at the ER once and the PA was absolutely convinced it was my gallbladder until the ultrasound didn’t show any stones. I don’t want to go to the ER because of Covid and because again, they haven’t found anything every other time. So I would pay however much just to be told to go to a gastroenterologist. I looked up when it is considered an emergency and all I have is the pain, which is uncomfortable but only moderate. The only problem is that the gastroenterologist usually books 2-3 months out. And I refuse to see the main guy based on how he treated me the first time. Basically said I was too fat and dx’ed me with GERD even though I had no symptoms indicating that.

I have been gaining weight and I hate it. I thought it was vraylar making me extra hungry but I’ve been off it for three weeks, which is generally the half-life. I don’t know. I haven’t been straight up bingeing anymore but still, I’m not eating as well as I could. But much better than When the stomach pain first appeared 5 years ago. Then I was binge eating and binge drinking every weekend. Eating crappy high fat, high sugar food. I don’t do that anymore. I hardly ever have fried food. I air fry everything. I don’t binge on sugar because it makes me sick.

I know I need to exercise but I feel so awkward doing it when RS is home, which I know is dumb but I guess I feel like I’m doing something just for me and it makes me feel guilty. I have a very hard time just relaxing when he’s home because I feel like I should be doing something useful. He NEVER intentionally makes me feel like that, it’s all nonsense from the baggage I carry in my head. Maybe tomorrow I’ll just do it anyway. Fight my dumb brain.

I guess tomorrow I’ll call both drs i should see. It’s hard because they are only open during the time I work and there’s nowhere private for me to make calls except my car, which I haven’t been wanting to walk out to because of the cold. Tomorrow it will be warm-ish, at least for a bit, but it will be pouring. I guess I have to just stop being deterred by weather and do it on my break.

I just relaxed all day to heal from my upsets yesterday. I'm happy that i have the luxury of private time to rest and recover from incidents. My depression continues but i can tolerate it.

Bea Arthur could have easily been Street or Sleet Arthur. lol

My old Pdoc and Richard absolutely believe that Poor sleep is what causes the most problems for anyone with Bipolar on the up side not enough sleep sends us up and it’s not the happy puppy rainbow type. On the down side seems people will sleep a lot but it’s not a restorative sleep. So both ends have terrible sleep quality.

There is a part of me that thinks as more research is done and in depth studies will help further dissect sleep and maybe something will come along that will actually help on the sleep issues every single person with Bipolar struggles with.

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Have you had a HIDA scan done ? I had classic gall bladder attacks but US was clear …. no stones. HIDA scan showed I had a “ sludge” consistency in my gall bladder. I had surgery and had zero stomach issues after that. Stones were actually found why they didn’t show up on US my Surgeon said “ it happens “

Be kind to yourself

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Gah. An inch so far of ice/sleet. Snow expected over night. Praying we keep power!

I did t have gallstones either but had issues and hida scan showed my gallbladder was only working at 21%. No issues since it was removed!

I remember you mentioning plowymcplowface. I found it hilarious. All of the names you mentioned are classics. I like funny nicknames.

Christina, yesterday was a sad day in terms of our little vacation. Yes, we went to the ski mountain, but Hubby had an awful time. Since I don't ski, I just waited for him, partly in a cafe at the lodge and partly in the car. A lot of time passed so I called him. He was so miserable that he was on the verge of tears. The snow was so deep that he could barely ski. Plus, he got royally lost. Apparently the signage was so bad. He asked others for directions, but no one around spoke any English. Austrians seem to speak far less than Germans, or are unwilling to. He ended up taking the lifts down. Plus, we were running late for my online Czech class.

Hubby then cried how the vacation has offered little for me. This is sadly the truth, but I fought him on that notion. Then late last night I awoke to the sound of him hacking in the bathroom. I initially thought he maybe accidentally ate garlic (he's allergic to it), but apparently he had something feel like it was stuck in his throat. He says he feels a little better this morning, but I think he's weary about it all. He wants to try skiing again, but at a resort about 1 to 1 1/2 hours further to the west. Wish us luck! I fear something similar will happen no matter where we go. He gets so tired and sweaty so easily. He's in awful physical shape. If it were up to me I'd leave Austria and head to a beautiful city due north in Southern Bohemia (back in Czech Republic) and enjoy being there. He would refuse and be upset by the suggestion, so I won't make it.

My class went OK. Kinda. I was nervous and hated having the first from a hotel room. One student was participating from South Africa, the other from the US. Me only from Austria this time. Normally I'm local Czech Republic. One more student may join us from who knows where.

I'm just going to hang out today even for my birthday. The weather is still not very good and my stomach is still off and my anxiety is kind of high. I'm sneezing a ton for some reason. I kind of want a heart shaped pizza for my birthday but I don't want to risk my moms or a delivery drivers life. I don't know. Maybe it won't be too bad later tonight. Overall I feel decent today.

Happy Birthday, MountainDewed!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Moutaindewed! I spent my last birthday in a snowstorm so I wasn't able to celebrate really -- not even a cake (we usually order one and pick it up). It wasn't bad at all to be honest. Felt like just another day, but in the end it was still special. I hope you can make your day special in some small way!

I have therapy in about and hour and a half. I have made some notes of things I want to talk about today -- I feel motivated oddly today to drive the session myself. Usually she just lets me talk and we bounce off where ever my thought train takes me -- and it has its uses, but I know exactly where I want to go today and I focus in on that (for me, that is -- to stay on topic). I think it will turn out to be pretty productive. We will see.


Hope everyone is doing well. I am going to make a plan to write on the forum more often, and respond to more people. I think it's important for my own therapy to integrate a sense of communal support-- often here I tend to slack in offering advice/help or support. I'll try to do better.

Happy Birthday 🎁🎂🎊🎈🎉 Mountain

I'm wicked agitated today even though I slept last night I may have overdone it on the sleep meds but I feel bigger than my body and I lost 8 pounds in the past 4 days.

Thank you Sapien.

Thanks WindsThatBlow. This year isn't turning out to be bad either.

Thank you Nammu

I looked in my email this morning and I got a free birthday sandwich from Jimmy Johns, and a free scoop of ice cream from Baskin Robbins. They have a new Valentines Day flavor that tastes like roses that I really want to try. I also ordered 3 boxes of french toast Girl Scout cookies. I was a bit concerned about my valium because my doctors nurse still couldn't get ahold of the pharamacy. But I guess they just opened late and so I called back my pdoc so they can fax it in. I have enough to get me through Sunday night. I did cut a couple into halfs and a couple into quaters just in case. I am also getting happy birthday wishes on Facebook now that I fixed my settings.

So yeah so far things have slowly worked out. The cookies will be delivered at 6 tonight when things will be better outside but I still am tipping 50%. I said to my mom if I could just get french toast Girl Scout cookies i'd be happy.

The weather doesn't even look bad so I am not sure what the fuss is all about. The sky is actually clearing up and getting blue. I'm having baked salmon and frozen mashed cauliflower for lunch and baked chicken and frozen butternut veggi sprials for dinner. I also had a bottle of orange vanilla Coke and a candy bar today. Nothing huge but I am still trying to watch things.

Its nice being supported because of my weight loss instead of people freaking out I have an eating disorder. Its nice to know there are still some mental health people out there who know you can be at a smaller weight and still lose weight and be healthy.

Happy Birthday, @Mountaindewed! Hope you have a fun day!

Thanks Soupe du jour!

Luckily, today turned out to be a better ski day for my husband. We drove a bit further west to a different ski resort that he liked much better. I sure was chilly by the time we left. We even finally found a nice new ski jacket for Hubby that actually fit. It was even discounted by 50%.

Tomorrow Hubby wants to ski again, and at yet a different resort. One his sister went to a little over a week ago and liked. We agreed to extend the trip by one day to do something a bit more for me. We're still deciding, but I want some of it to include a city.

Attached is the name of the ski resort we went to today, with a lovely reflection of the mountain just opposite.

Oh, that looks so nice soupe! What lovely experiences you are having.

It’s like being inside a snow globe here. The snow is light but steady, then along comes a gust of wind and swirling snow. Unfortunately it’s -6F (-21C ) so too cold to enjoy from outside.

This weather bites! There's like 3 inches of just solid ice in our driveway. Chop chop chop chop chop chop chop chop shovel shovel shovel chop chop chop chop repeat

I think it was two years ago when we had the ice. Yeah lots of chopping. I had to take brakes because that chop chop chopping is hard. Take it easy Sapien. We had ice melt but it was too cold for that to work.