Bipolar check-in #62

Good morning! I hope everyone is doing really well today. Happy Saturday! It sounds silly, but I do like saying that to myself at least once a day when something good happens or I feel good. It’s just a reminder we don’t have to have special days or holidays to celebrate the good. So, again, Happy Saturday to everyone!

I’m feeling good today. I did something a little impulsive yesterday but it’s really a great step in the right direction. I applied for a job. It’s at the local university as a tutor coordinator and coach for at risk students. I have all the requirements and a background in education as a teacher. I really do think I have a lot of assets to bring to the job if I were to get it. However, here is the thing – I’m not banking on getting this job. Hell, I’m not even worried about getting an interview… but it was a first step into re-acclimating myself to the world. It’s practice for the real thing. There are some obstacles that could stand in my way from my past that I have to learn to tackle and nothing beats field practice. That’s what I’m working on here. Being stagnant generates no change. I’m proud of myself for applying. I am at least working towards a goal – it’s forward motion, after all. I told my therapist about it and she is really on board with my decision to do it, and my attitude towards it. I’m prepared for a rejection, for any reason including my past. It won’t stop me attempting though. I’m still really uncomfortable expressing the situation even with strangers, but it’s something I have to learn to talk about in neutral terms and less emotionally charged. I may divulge it at a later time to you all, but it is a source of shame and I’d rather not. Just note it’s not something recent nor something that should deter me from a job, just cause a red flag perhaps.

Other than that, my day is going as planned which is – no plan! I will try to spend a little more time on the forum being helpful if I can, and just interacting. It’s also good practice to be social for me. I appreciate all of you who read my posts and while I don’t comment a lot, I do read the check in forum specifically every day to catch up on everyone. I’ll be more proactive in that from now on.

Again, I’m just in a good mood and I have a positive outlook these days. Happy Saturday!

I still feel like I'm 27 for some reason not 29. I feel like 28 didn't happen. My anxiety is a nightmare today and I am down to 5 valium. I can't get ahold of my pharamacy at all and I've been cutting them into quaters and trying to get by on that. I do have enough to get me until Monday morning. If I get it refilled excatly on Monday. I'm trying not to panic but I'm in a panic in general because my anxiety is so bad. I am not sure really what to do. I have on HGTV. I'm watching Love It Or List It but this show annoys me because they always seem to love it when they should list it. Although I have read that the show is fake and they have to decide before going on the show if they are going to sell or if they are going to renovate their house.

But anyways today I"m just dealing with this anxiety mainly. My moods and depression arent too bad. Once you get past one of each, one christmas, one birthday etc, it does tend to somewhat get easier. Especially if you make a great deal of effort in avoiding having a repeat bad Christmas and bad birthday the way I made this past Christmas and yesterday better then the last ones.

I'm just hanging on until the 23rd now to see how I feel after the actual anniversary is over. I swear getting over her has been harder to get over then getting over my dads death. And I'm guessing it was just the change in hormones and stuff. I've never gotten myself worked up by someone like this and taken this long to get over them. This just wasn't my type of personaility before I got on hormones.

But I'm thinking I'm just going to have to start taking my ativan and make the switch. I mean what other choice do I really have at this point?

I awoke with a darn stiff neck, so I'm going to take Advil, stretch, and move around to try and loosen up my muscles. So for now I wish each of you a sweet day. I'll be back later.

I just took an ativan and usually I can tell right away if a med is going to work or not and I don't think this will. I ate a piece of chicken though so I don't feel lightheaded like I did earlier. But I still have no energy to put away my laundry and 2 loads are just piled in a basket on the floor in my room. I'm not sure why I have no motivation to do laundry. Usually I love having my closet and drawers full. But I've just been following some advice I found on facebook and instead of cleaning the whole house at one time do one room a day or an hour or something. So whenever I stand up to do something or just get the energy in general I've been folding a pair of jeans or hanging up a shirt or 2 from the basket. I'll get it done eventually today.

I wonder what my endocronolgist plans on doing since all my testsrerone related blood levels are still high. But I don't see him until March. My mom says I need to get working on the urine sample in the next couple days. I just find it so dyshphoric. I want to just go directly into the jug but I have to go into this little bowl and then dump it into the jug and it just gets all these emotions going for me.

Edit: I feel super nauseated and I don't know if its the benzo mixing or not eating a lot. Although I did eat some today. I plan on getting a whopper with no mayo or onions from Burger King for dinner.

I don't know how much I have said lately. I'm basically no longer eating meat. Which I'm fine with. I've basically been zoning out for hours. Self care sucks but I did win at bingo twice last night. Miguel is graduating and moving soon. I'm trying not to think about that. He's moving about an hour away. He's excited. But I'm concerned. It's really expensive in our area. I'm not sure he'll be able to move.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I'm having a lot of breast cancer anxiety tonight. I am a person who does best when I know as much as I can. And since I had 3 weeks to wait for my surgeon's appointment I've had time to read a lot and learn a lot. (And I still have 2 weeks and 3 days to go). I kind of assumed when the biopsy report indicated 4 diagnoses that it wasn't great. But you can't just enter the 4 diagnoses and get an answer; I think some of this is on the more unusual side. I already learned that the major diagnosis has a 7-10% false negative result. But now I learned that when it is combined with another diagnosis my risk of a false negative is 25%. I'm fine. I took my PRN a few minutes ago and I'm going to read for a bit and hopefuly sleep. I'm mostly just wishing that my surgeon appointment is sooner than 2 weeks was sooner than 2 weeks and that I'll get good answers. One thing I read said that one diagnosis means a higher risk for both breasts. I want to know a lot more about that. Etc ad nasuseum. Thanks for listening. I hate complaining. But right now I need to need to complain.

You're not complaining, Rainbow. You're expressing your concerns and your thoughts. And even if you need to complain, please do so

Well, it's downright warm today. I don't even want to look at the temperature. I have a dress and cotton/hemp leg warmers on, but bare legs and I'm not cold at all. Fortunately, the nights are chilly.

I've been studying French lately. I took 2 years of it back in high school, so I have a decent foundation. My son speaks French fluently; we have fun messaging each other on Facebook in French. Good practice.

I've done my laundry for the week, my neck pain is gone (yay), and now I have to vacuum. David is coming over later so we can work on some book business stuff.

4 kitties (Sidney, Solomon, Sadie, and London) are asleep in the sun and 1 pretty much lives in the walk-in closet. I call it his (Jack's) apartment.

Where is Moose?

That 1 ativan 2 valium is really kicking me in the *** today. I feel like puking my guts out. I took my normal melatonin which is not helping either. Last night though I cut the dose in half and took 10 mil instead of 20 mil and I only slept from 7:30-1:30. I took my prescribed dose of geodon though. Not the whole 160. I inhaled a whopper with no mayo or onions for dinner. I didn't eat much today in general. My lung thing is fine now. It was the new cat litter deodarent. but my overall nausea and appetite is still not very good and I'm not sure why. If its just a med issue or what. But yeah right now I feel very sick but the last time I used my pulse oxy whatever its called it was fine. So I don't think its an emergency. I think I mainly just need to switch melatonin brands. My new stuff is coming on Monday.

I will be buying a good pill box as soon as I can. I know people on here have told me to get one before. Currently my meds are all in a basket and I am somewhat on a schedule with them but a box would help a lot.

I'm really depressed and over emotional the last 2 weeks. My wife passed away 11/18/2021 she was only 44 and we had been married for 23 years.
I really miss her and even just writing this has brought me to tears. I went to a program called CR at my church. It is kind of like group therapy. I could not even get it out that I was severely depressed and I just lost it and could not stop crying.

Thanks Beth.


I did get the good news that I thought it was 17 days until my surgeon appointment but I was off a week and it's only 10 days which is much more manageable. And after last night I should sleep. I hope.

I am so glad to have everyone here in my life.

I’m so sorry @otroo. That’s so sad and absolutely heart breaking. I think that’s entirely appropriate for you to have been so upset at your group session. Are you going to go back? I hope so!

My depression was pretty mild today. I just relaxed peacefully in silence and privacy. At it's worst i just felt cranky and irritable. I still couldn't tolerate any of my activities so i just sat quietly and watched the clock. I feel better at night, like now it's 9:45pm and i feel mellow! My parking tenant paid me, so that was nice, just a few days late, nothing to get excited about. I got my dog outside for her break and i'm happy about that. It was a good-looking day, lots of sunshine and blue sky, but when we got out it was too cold and windy for comfort. As soon as she was done running around i brought us in. I exchanged pleasantries with neighbors and everyone seemed to be in a good mood. We've just got this one more night of extreme cold and then it gets mild for the rest of the forecast. I hope the building does not make the deafening bangs due to the cold tonight as it so upsets my dog.

@BethRags:

I started the process for getting some Wellbutrin but i changed my mind when my depression eased up. It only works for me when my depression is severe.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

So happy to hear your appointment with your surgeon is a week sooner than you thought! You need answers! Don't worry about expressing yourself here. We've all got your back!

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow Thanks Beth. I did get the good news that I thought it was 17 days until my surgeon appointment but I was off a week and it's only 10 days which is much more manageable. And after last night I should sleep. I hope. I am so glad to have everyone here in my life.

Oh, 10 days is so much better!

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo I'm really depressed and over emotional the last 2 weeks. My wife passed away 11/18/2021 she was only 44 and we had been married for 23 years. I really miss her and even just writing this has brought me to tears. I went to a program called CR at my church. It is kind of like group therapy. I could not even get it out that I was severely depressed and I just lost it and could not stop crying.

Your grief must be like going through fire. I think it's wise that you went to your church group. I think you should go again.

I see NO complaining. You’re talking about something that is a huge worry. Go easy on yourself

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am so sorry I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Do you have people you can lean on?

Please go easy on yourself

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Had some help so my car is no longer stuck.

I’m still is a lousy mood but eventually things mentally will improve.

Hugs and love to all

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

@BethRags Thanks for asking about me. I've been staying home for a week now I think. Haven't even gone outside. We got the storm here wed and thurs- I'm guessing we got a foot of snow. N3 called today to say he was offering to come over and brush the snow and scrape the ice off my car and he did! I love my kids! My friend told me I need to take a covid test because I had sore muscles, a runny nose and migraine.bb a couple days ago. My mom is dropping a covid test off tomorrow but I don't think I'll need it. The migraine started Thursday evening and went away with Sumatriptan but it came back Friday and I had to take two pills to get rid of it. Otherwise I've just been watching Bob Newhart show on Hulu. I also started keto about 2 weeks ago added to intermittent fasting. I broke down and cheated tonight and had a small bowl of frosted mini wheats. Oh well. I'm allowed to cheat every once in a while.

I am doing very well today for once. I took my 80 mil geodon in the morning like I am supposed to. I did not take it last night. I took it at 4 and then I fell back asleep from 5:58 until 7:16. I felt very rested and I did not have any anxiety. I am seeing legit progress with my weight loss and its making me really happy and boosting my self esteem. I started watching the current season of Celeberity Big Brother since I know a few of the people on the show. Then around 9 I actually made it to the grocery store and got shopping done without getting the heebie jeebies. I found the new soda I've been looking for. I took the only 2 they had. I saw some lady gaze at my cart in another part of the store then head towards the part of the store where the soda was. Then we met up again and I could feel her eyes on me. The cashier also commented on the soda and never seeing it before.

I've taken half of a valium since I only have 4 left. The half is working good right now. I am hoping to have an actual refill in hand by late tommorow afternoon. I did finally buy a morning, noon, and night pill organizer which is coming on Tuesday. My sister and her family are coming over in a bit for our birthdays but I guess it won't be as big a deal as my mom and I thought it would be. But thats ok. My new melatonin came so hopefully that helps and doesn't cause any side effects. Although I took my normal dose of the old stuff last night and it was not too bad after about half an hour, and I did not wake up feeling sick. But I may not have woken up feeling sick because I did not take the full 160 dose of Geodon.

Yeah I am going again next Friday. My daughter and I are also going to another cr the week after next cause she works on Fridays and is not able to make it to my regular one.

Sent from my SM-N970U using Tapatalk

The grief is absolutely horrible my wife and I had such a great relationship.

Sent from my SM-N970U using Tapatalk

I am lucky I have my parents and my daughter has been my number one supporter.

Sent from my SM-N970U using Tapatalk

Doing a little better today so far. Going to go visit my parents here in a little bit.

Thank you all for your support I really appreciate it.

Sent from my SM-N970U using Tapatalk

I’m glad you have. So much support otroo.

@otroo
Do not beat yourself up for being depressed. I believe anyone would be in your situation. When my first husband died I believe I was terribly distressed for at least a year. I ended up hospitalized twice, although that wasn’t entirely unexpected given my track record even before he died. Anyway my point is there is no timeline for grief. And yours is so new and raw. Keep going to support groups if you can.