Bipolar check-in #62

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I know, its just still scary/unsettling news to get and I have not been feeling well for awhile. Which is why I wanted to move up my appointment and get the blood work done sooner. Its the 2 day anticipatictory anxiety that will be tough.

I know. I totally understand. I hate, hate anticipatory anxiety. I really feel for you.

Now I think I’m being a baby and malingering. I’m actually better and I just don’t want to work. I bet I’ll be fine. I should just go. It’s twin day, I don’t even have to dress professional.

I feel like such a loser any way I look at it.

I don't think you're doing any of those things, I think you've been really struggling lately and need some help from your doctor. You're definitely not a loser I hope your psychiatrist and/or therapist is able to help you

I feel that way about myself sometimes. Because I feel like I've been struggling a lot lately. So sometimes I just don't mention anything I've been dealing with to my doctor and I say everything is fine when they ask me how I'm doing and if they ask if I've had any bothersome symptoms I say no, even though I should be saying yes, which isn't helpful for me. It's just I have self esteem issues and feel like I'm bothering them with my issues. But that's what they're there for, to listen and help.

I had to take my klonopin tonight because of severe agitation and paranoia. I'm hoping I can get some relief from this. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I guess I'll have to tell her about all this that's been going on even though I don't want to.

Thank you so much for this. This is exactly right. I’m still stuck in the mindset that I don’t deserve to feel better anyway. I don’t deserve time off, I don’t deserve to help myself. I don’t really matter. I live my life for what I can and must do for others but I have to start giving myself some slack and remembering that it’s ok to ask for a receive help.

I appreciate your response and I do hope you’re able to start feeling better soon as well!

@Mountaindewed
It may be a bumpy few days but hang in there somehow and then it'll be past. Here's hoping it's something minor. If it had been terribly serious maybe the doctor would have arranged things so you could come in sooner?
Anyway, I'd be worrying too, despite that not being at all helpful. It's what we do, the card we were dealt, but we've survived it this long and I suspect we'll continue to survive it. We just won't always enjoy it.

Aww I missed you! I really hope everything is ok for you @Fuzzybear
And there is no rush to tell anyone anything, so please dont worry about that!
Sending loads of hugs

Aww Im so sorry, its totally understandable to be feeling so anxious. I know I would be the same. Do you have any distraction techniques that work for you? Just so you could take your mind off things for a little while?
Sending lots of hugs you way

Im so glad you got a nap, @BethRags
Im so sorry that you choked, that must be awful if thats a fear of yours.
I hope you manage to get some more peaceful sleep tonight!
Sending lots of hugs

Please be kind to yourself @wildflowerchild25
Its clear youve been struggling and its really important you do get in contact with your pdoc.
I dont know what you should do about work, but I think you should try to show yourself some compassion and ask what advice you would give a friend if they were in your shoes?
That might help you decide what to do!
Sending lots of hugs

Im so sorry youve been experiencing that, @Blue_Bird that sounds horrible. Its a really good idea to tell your pdoc about whats been going on. I know it can be really tough, but thats the only way they have to really know how youve been.
I hope your appt on wednesday goes as well as possible, youve got this

Sending lotas of hugs

To all of you who are having a hard time right now--please keep on trying and keep on telling about your struggles. We provide support for each other even just revealing that there are other people having the same problems.

I'm doing pretty well, getting somewhat more sleep and keeping busy with my activity schedule. I've increased the mirtazapine, to 75% of my old dose from when the bipolar and insomnia were so well controlled, and later this week I'll be able to increase the lamotrigine and be at half of the old dose.
I would rather not have to take pills, but when I stop, after a while, my life becomes miserable. I'm thinking of trying DBT as well as the strict schedule, and then trying going medicineless again, but not for a long time. I think it's harder on the body to not sleep and to be in agony, than anything the pills are likely to do. And I am grateful that there is medicine that helps so much.

I was making notes about the people I wanted to reply to but there are so many! I probably won't reply to all that I'd like to, but some is better than none, so I'll go do a few. Maybe I'll get faster at it eventually and be able to do all that I'd like to.

I woke up in a bit of a panic because I forgot to take my evening medication. I never forget usually, but I have been so tired lately.
Ever since the last time I came off my meds (with the help of my pdoc because I had been so well for years and I was thinking about pregnancy), Im obsessed with taking my medication. I have come to terms with the fact I probably need medication for life and I hate missing a dose.

My appt with my pdoc cant come soon enough. Hopefully she'll have a solution to my tiredness/sleepiness.
Im going to try and get back to sleep but Im sure I wont have any problems.
Night night everyone, lots of hugs

@Blue_Bird

It sounds like you landed in the ditch--what I call those deep depressions. I hope you're starting on the way out. Maybe you'll get some help Wednesday.

Thank you for posting the picture of your cute kitty. It gave me a smile. : )

@Fuzzybear
You might want to try mirtazapine if you aren't getting enough help from other things. It's been found to be one of the more effective antidepressants, and it helps with sleep and anxiety too. BUT... don't start it until you have a few days when it won't be a problem if you're groggy all the time. It makes a lot of people sleepy, sleepy, sleepy until they start to adjust to it. It's almost alarming if you aren't warned.

Im glad to hear youre doing pretty well @tentoedsloth and Im glad the schedule is going well. When Im feeling a little better, I might try that.

I know what you mean, Im so grateful my meds help me.

Please dont worry about replying. There is no pressure. Its a busy thread!

@raging vortex
@wildflowerchild25

When I get those worthless and purposeless feelings--which probably most of us have had--I think about a happy dog, who has no purpose except to live, and nobody blames him if he sits in the sun with his tongue hanging out and is just happy with himself.

Maybe people "should" do more, or should we? Especially if we are given this serious problem, bipolar, to deal with. I think that to survive it is our first purpose, and if we do that well, and start to feel good again, then we can go on to expecting more of ourselves.

My 2 cents worth. My claim to the right to give advice is that I'm 67 years old and have had a bad case of this for over 20 years (a much milder case before that), hundreds of sleepless nights, lots of failed trials of medication... and I'm still ticking.

I do have therapy on Wednesday and hopefully she'll be helpful. She does know I have not been feeling good and we have been talking a lot about things.

Thats what my mom said. If I was in immediate danger he'd tell me to go to the ER or go in sooner. But yeah hopefully its just something minor, its just all the other symptoms I was already having and then I get hit with this news.

My husband would never have been able to go off to war, he's so sensitive. I can imagine how that exacerbated your David's symptoms. My husband also had depressions since childhood. He has accepted medications in the past, starting with his first severe one in his early 30s when he had to go on long-term disability. My s-i-l has confirmed that his OCD-like behaviors (he has no official dx for that) were present since his early teens. Hubby definitely has the ADD and that diagnosis. He stopped the ADD stimulants a few years ago. Since he no longer regularly works he doesn't see the need. All of these things affected his ability to get ahead in his old job. It's a shame as he's quite smart and talented in many ways.

I would also like to visit Versailles some day. I've been to Paris maybe five times but never took the trip to the palace. I asked Hubby to go one time, but he refused. He had been once. Orléans must be beautiful. I've never been there either. Our plan is to visit the Bordeaux region and parts of Bretagne and maybe Normandy. We'd surely pass through Pays-de-la-Loire (main city Nantes) between Bordeaux area and Bretagne. We'll see. Other than them, I've also visited the French Riviera and parts of Occitanie in the south. We originally seriously considered the latter for possible relocation, but I didn't get a good feeling there (and the Catalonian culture and dialect in parts), and it was too hot and humid for my taste and wellness. I like that Bretagne is a fairly liberal leaning area of France (Macron voters). I'd rather not live in an ultra conservative region. Even Bordeaux is a tinge conservative leaning, unfortunately. France also has a far right leaning Fascist-like type like Trump, named Le Pen. Sadly, several European countries have them. TBD how much power they will gain. Hungary and Poland already have them in power.

This Putin crap is concerning us, greatly. The only country that separates Czech Republic from Ukraine is Slovak Republic. If the sucker invades Ukraine, Ukrainians will be running towards us (Slovakia, CZ, and also Poland) en masse fast to escape. Definitely not Belarus (dictatorship), Hungary (semi-dictatorship), or really Romania, or Moldova. Trump already stated he wants to leave NATO. If that happened, Lord help Europe! Let's cross our fingers that the 2024 election in the US has the smartest outcome.

Its really worrying isnt it @Soupe du jour

I hope you have a brilliant trip to France when it happens! Ive never been to Bordeaux but it does look lovely!

Im sorry to hear about your husbands struggles, that sounds really tough! I hope things are improving for him? or at least, I hope he is accepting of help!

Ive been very strict with myself today, not allowing myself to sleep. I thought I was going to vomit I felt so tired this morning, but that might have been because I had two large cups of coffee too...

Im only going to take one nap today if I really need it. Otherwise I have been busy contacting wedding things and my doctor and OHS.
Im awaiting hearing back from them all now.
Maybe I will go and make some wedding invites before walking the dog again.

I do feel motivated but I still feel highly anxious about...well, everything . I think this is adding to my tiredness because everything is such an effort.

I hope you have all had a good sleep!

It cost a bit from memory but I’m in Aus so might be cheaper in US. I’d never heard of a dog having it before mine either.

Edit - the test also had to be sent away and analysed off site too so took a few days to get the result and added to the cost.

I know the feeling. I just had to wait a month to get results back to tell me if I had 2 types of cancer (both results were negative). I know how anxious it can make a person who is already anxious so I feel for you. Do you have any symptoms of blood cancer or just the fact that the test results indicate it?

I've had the general loss of appetite and other symptoms that go along with any type of cancer but can also be other stuff as well. I know I have the vision probelms and headaches and poor concentration and shortness of breath and stuff that goes along with blood cancer. Actually I do have most of the symptoms but I'm trying not to read about it or get myself any more worked up.

I'm glad you were negative. Waiting for any results sucks.