Bipolar check-in #62

Awful, terrible day. So restless and agitated and SH and SI thoughts/images would NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. All freaking day. Even Xanax hasn’t helped. I did talk to my therapist but I wasn’t honest like I should have been. As soon as I got home I grabbed the ice pack and my support object and held both while on the computer call with her. I said I’d bring in mini muffins for a birthday party we’re going to have for two of our coworkers but I’m not going to make it to the store. I’ll have to apologize. I’m not sure if I can run out on the way to work tomorrow, it will be cold.

I feel like breaking down and crying. I went to work because I knew it would be worse to sit home by myself and ruminate. At least at work I could be distracted, it was a pain in my *** but it was better than lying on the couch crying all day surrounded by instruments that might lead to poor choices.

Incidentally I also see my pdoc in about an hour. I’m so glad, she needs to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, I don’t care what at this point. She’s good at trusting me and not forcing hospitalization. The only time she did was when I was too paranoid to leave my bedroom and was threatening self harm as my only option to ward off whatever was after me. She made the right call on that one.

I’m so desperate, I’m going crazy. I guess I better go grab my ice again.

Thanks Beth. I got home and my mom helped me with some things at my house and I fell asleep. It was a long day.


I am having surgery on the 2nd. Actually a procedure on the 24th and then surgery the 2nd. The thing that needs to go is rarely malignant (5-8%) and the surgery won't be very big or anything; it just needs to come out so it doesn't have a higher risk later.


I go the 24th for ANOTHER mammogram guided procedure to place a reflector (I think that's what they call it) that goes in the area to be removed. That part I kind of dread because the biopsy done that way was hard on me. They think though I may have had a coincidental virus. Anyway, they make a little incision and the mammogram guides them in placing the reflector. In the actual surgery they'll send the tissue that's been removed to radiology to be sure the reflector is removed and so that means the area they meant to remove is gone. So that's actually kind of neat but it is also my 5th mammogram/mammogram guided procedure since Dec. 15.

I need to do pre-op with my family dr. I scheduled it without paying attention to anything and scheduled it during my therapy time. So I had to cancel therapy. Which was kind of weird; it's 2 weeks out, almost 3 and the receptionist sounded irritated and said "OK ,I'll tell "therapist". I had to call back to be sure I still had an appointment for next week because I was going to worry constantly. But I don't cancel appointments often so I'm not sure why she sounded annoyed with my cancellation. I didn't even try to reschedule. Oh well, everyone has bad days.

So it's all in place and in 2 weeks I'll be healing from surgery. I honestly can't wait. This has been a long, long process.

Update on my life…

Cindy passed away last evening. Her husband, daughter, Steve and David were with her. Steve is just devastated but it’s a source of comfort knowing she’s in heaven now.

I saw my GP today for diabetic appt my A1C is 5.7 which is excellent.

I fell today. Was bringing the dogs inside from the pasture.. I didn’t break anything but wow am I getting more sore every minute

I see Richard tomorrow I’m beyond grateful. Every since Steve’s has been gone not knowing when he is coming home and my just here with catastrophic thoughts of something happening to him and here I am sitting in a big empty house. It’s really overwhelming me. My crying daily is just getting out of hand. They are hoping for having the service on the 26th ( fingers crossed) so another 10 days. I just need him to come home.

I hope everyone is doing okay. I hope to be able to become more supportive to everyone again.

Thank everyone for such amazing support. Love you all

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Awful, terrible day. So restless and agitated and SH and SI thoughts/images would NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. All freaking day. Even Xanax hasn’t helped. I did talk to my therapist but I wasn’t honest like I should have been. As soon as I got home I grabbed the ice pack and my support object and held both while on the computer call with her. I said I’d bring in mini muffins for a birthday party we’re going to have for two of our coworkers but I’m not going to make it to the store. I’ll have to apologize. I’m not sure if I can run out on the way to work tomorrow, it will be cold. I feel like breaking down and crying. I went to work because I knew it would be worse to sit home by myself and ruminate. At least at work I could be distracted, it was a pain in my *** but it was better than lying on the couch crying all day surrounded by instruments that might lead to poor choices. Incidentally I also see my pdoc in about an hour. I’m so glad, she needs to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, I don’t care what at this point. She’s good at trusting me and not forcing hospitalization. The only time she did was when I was too paranoid to leave my bedroom and was threatening self harm as my only option to ward off whatever was after me. She made the right call on that one. I’m so desperate, I’m going crazy. I guess I better go grab my ice again.

How did your pdoc appointment go?

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow Thanks Beth. I got home and my mom helped me with some things at my house and I fell asleep. It was a long day. I am having surgery on the 2nd. Actually a procedure on the 24th and then surgery the 2nd. The thing that needs to go is rarely malignant (5-8%) and the surgery won't be very big or anything; it just needs to come out so it doesn't have a higher risk later. I go the 24th for ANOTHER mammogram guided procedure to place a reflector (I think that's what they call it) that goes in the area to be removed. That part I kind of dread because the biopsy done that way was hard on me. They think though I may have had a coincidental virus. Anyway, they make a little incision and the mammogram guides them in placing the reflector. In the actual surgery they'll send the tissue that's been removed to radiology to be sure the reflector is removed and so that means the area they meant to remove is gone. So that's actually kind of neat but it is also my 5th mammogram/mammogram guided procedure since Dec. 15. I need to do pre-op with my family dr. I scheduled it without paying attention to anything and scheduled it during my therapy time. So I had to cancel therapy. Which was kind of weird; it's 2 weeks out, almost 3 and the receptionist sounded irritated and said "OK ,I'll tell "therapist". I had to call back to be sure I still had an appointment for next week because I was going to worry constantly. But I don't cancel appointments often so I'm not sure why she sounded annoyed with my cancellation. I didn't even try to reschedule. Oh well, everyone has bad days. So it's all in place and in 2 weeks I'll be healing from surgery. I honestly can't wait. This has been a long, long process.

I'm so glad you checked in. Yes, the process you are going through must seem so long and drawn out. The wonderful thing is, you will DONE with all of it by the time spring comes - actually before!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Update on my life… Cindy passed away last evening. Her husband, daughter, Steve and David were with her. Steve is just devastated but it’s a source of comfort knowing she’s in heaven now. I saw my GP today for diabetic appt my A1C is 5.7 which is excellent. I fell today. Was bringing the dogs inside from the pasture.. I didn’t break anything but wow am I getting more sore every minute I see Richard tomorrow I’m beyond grateful. Every since Steve’s has been gone not knowing when he is coming home and my just here with catastrophic thoughts of something happening to him and here I am sitting in a big empty house. It’s really overwhelming me. My crying daily is just getting out of hand. They are hoping for having the service on the 26th ( fingers crossed) so another 10 days. I just need him to come home. I hope everyone is doing okay. I hope to be able to become more supportive to everyone again. Thank everyone for such amazing support. Love you all

First off, it is so good to hear from you. That A1C is terrific! Exciting! The fall isn't, though. Thank the Universe you weren't seriously injured (I hope). I hope you get some decent sleep tonight so your body can recup.

I can sure understand why you're crying every day. Steve's been gone for quite a while, plus you're in your big, empty house. That's really challenging. David and I don't even live together, but I would be a mess if I didn't see him for such a length of time. It is a very good thing that you'll see Richard tomorrow.

I am so, so sorry about Cindy's passing. I hope and pray that all of you have some peace that will bring comfort.

I'm sending love

So sorry about Cindy.

Do take care of yourself do you need me to tell those dogs to take better care with you? I can have Sir give them a talking to about making sure you don’t go falling any more!

Glad you see Richard tomorrow and now there’s an end date for Steve.

I did my book business work, which went well. Then I spent 3 freakin' hours (I'm ashamed to say) trying to find a photograph I want to show to a friend of mine of some vintage shoes . By the end of the 3 hours (I never did find the picture) I had a headache and felt physically icky. Such an idiotic thing to do. Then I felt really annoyed with myself, but I did catch myself beating the crap out of me. So I'm working on letting that go.

Still trying to find the insulin dose that will stabilize Sidney's blood glucose. She is so patient while I poke her poor little ear tips for blood to get a reading. There is nothing for me to do but be patient (I can learn from her!) until we get to a dose that works to even out her numbers. It will happen, but I feel sick to keep having to poke her, and I'm lousy at waiting for things.

I'm just angry with myself tonight. Just frustrated all over the place. I'm going to take some good, deep breaths and take a little walk to pick up my mail. Then I'll turn all the lights off and watch Victoria.

I hope everyone is having or will have a restful sleep tonight.

Hugs

I hope you manage to relax and not be so angry with yourself @BethRags

I think youre coping amazingly well with awaiting the correct dose of Insulin, youre handling it so well!

I hope you enjoy Victoria!

I am so sorry youre going through all of this, I just wanted to send hugs and warm wishes your way

I think Im still doing a bit better. My sleep is still off, Im sleeping way too much. But I dont feel as rubbish. Im back home, away from my fiance (we're currently looking for a new house but living in different cities because of work). Im too ashamed to tell everyone that Im off work because of a relapse so I just stay home. Its so stupid. I wish I wasnt so plagued with guilt and shame about my illness

@~Christina
I sympathize with you worrying about Steve.

How long has he been gone and forgive me is

cindy his sister and what happened to her,
what did she die from?
I am sorry that you fell....hope you are able to sleep.
when Jeff is gone
I sometimes leave the nite light on by the bed.
10 days is a long way to be away from you.
Do you get to talk to him daily?
you miss him so much and I can see me crying

if I were in that predicament.
I am glad that you see richard tomorrow.
hugs

(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

@BethRags

I am hoping that you are enjoying victoria.
please be gentle with yourself.
I know that you are trying to get her stabilzed.I wonder if a long acting base line insulin shot would help .
With people there is an insulin that is given every 24 hours, wonder if they can use that with sydney?

love bizi

……beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself…….
Some wise words from the desiderata to use as a mantra 🕉 dear Beth you’re kind to everyone here, be kind to yourself as well.

Enjoy Victoria.

So pdoc drew blood and I got my injection early. Pdoc wants me back in therapy. Thinks my problem is I don't go outside enough and I'm not stimulated enough. My phone was giving me issues so I wasn't really able to talk. No med changes but I don't know why they wanted to draw blood. I kinda feel like if I go back to therapy they'll try to hospitalize me. Like my pdoc would but it's so much easier if I'm there. He talked about me going weekly to therapy. I'm going to feel trapped in there. The last time I did my treatment plan I was there for less than ten minutes and it felt like they were going to keep me. I don't know if I can sit with a stranger, wether it's a professional or not, for 45 min and be okay. Forget the talking part just thinking about it makes me nauseous.

Im so worried about school lately that i have been neglecting self-care. most days my stomach hurts and im sick. i just take OTC meds and carry on as i can. i cant sleep because im worried about school work and i cant stay up to work on it bc im so stressed i cant focus. i have several HUGE assignments due the next two weeks and i just feel like quitting. im feeling very discouraged. i cant keep up. i need to see my t but dont til friday. on top of this i gotta start working on securing practicum placement. that starts in fall if i pass this semester

im struggling.

I just wanted to remind you that you are only one person and you can only do so much.
Have you tried breaking down your assignments into bite size chunks? Then work through them bit by bit. Maybe start with the easiest bits and once you get some momentum you might find that things pick up.
Just a thought. I dont know if it will work for you but it used to work for me when I was struggling and felt so overwhelmed.

I'm not sure I would do ''ok'' with that at all right now either. Being with a stranger like that for 45 minutes. It makes me feel nauseous too. I'm sorry you're going through this!

Well I went to the grief share orientation last night and I think this is going to help my daughter and I out a lot. I did have to laugh though cause we had to sign a rules page and it said that we should not date others in the class. I don't have a problem with that considering that the next youngest one was like 70 and I am only 48. I just wish I could talk about my wife without crying. Some day it will happen.

Sent from my SM-N970U using Tapatalk

@otroo:

So glad that the grief share looks like it will be helpful. That is funny about the no dating rule! It's good you could see the humor in it. You sound like a very sensitive and loving soul when you talk about your wife. I know it's not the same thing but i am divorced and there's this thing that's a symbol of my divorce that comes up in pop culture and at first i was destroyed every time it came up. One day i noticed the symbol came up and i didn't react to it at all. Be patient and gentle and give yourself time to grieve and mourn and one day you will heal, like me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinny I hope you manage to relax and not be so angry with yourself @BethRags I think youre coping amazingly well with awaiting the correct dose of Insulin, youre handling it so well! I hope you enjoy Victoria!

Thank you so much, Pinny. Your words mean a lot to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinny I think Im still doing a bit better. My sleep is still off, Im sleeping way too much. But I dont feel as rubbish. Im back home, away from my fiance (we're currently looking for a new house but living in different cities because of work). Im too ashamed to tell everyone that Im off work because of a relapse so I just stay home. Its so stupid. I wish I wasnt so plagued with guilt and shame about my illness

Oh, honey. I am so sorry about the guilt and shame - but I understand it very well. Please, please try to be gentler with yourself.

I didnt sleep much. was up til after 4 am. mind racing and upset. i cant afford any type of episode so im trying to calm myself. i took risperdal to help calm down. im supposed ot be taking 2mg twice a day but have been only on 2mg once a day. it satrted bc i was sooooo too tired. ive done well on 2mg. im gonna make sure imtakinf full dose now.

@HALLIEBETH87:

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. You sound really stressed out. I did my university degree years ago and had an episode of acute anxiety during finals of my last year. I got a doctor's note and got an extension on an essay and deferred my final exam in my core course til August. I did not graduate with my class, but i DID graduate. Just thought i'd share so you know there are options if you find yourself overwhelmed.

bizi and Nammu, thank you for your kindness. I am grateful.


bizi, Sid is on Lantus, which is considered to be the best insulin for cats. I'm still confused about exactly how it works...something about a cat's metabolism being much faster than a human's. So cats need insulin twice/day.

I am enjoying Victoria - in fact, I stayed up until midnight watching it - which today I regret because I feel tired and achy.