Bipolar check-in #63

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I am so restless and I believe it’s akathisia. Xanax calms me a bit and when I’m calm I’m steeped in despair. I am about 90% sure my clinician will be calling crisis on me tomorrow, but there is a chance she won’t. I just feel like I’m at the end of the line. NONE of the meds are working. I know I have to hold out hope because I literally just started the depakote increase and cogentin to hopefully combat the akathisia. It’s just that vraylar was supposed to control my mood as well but it only controls paranoia. I mean that’s a good thing I guess. IP would keep me safe but I am not hopeful it would actually make me feel better. I hit my head all morning but RS has the sharps/meds in his truck, including the things I can break apart. I can’t get into his truck because he has like 20 keys for his vehicles and work vehicles/machinery and I wouldn’t know where to even start to find which one it is. So that’s good. I just really feel like I’m at the end of the line. I know this is probably just my illness talking but it’s so discouraging. I just want to go to sleep until this see saw is over. Oh well as long as I’m calm I’m too depressed to move forward with destructive acts.

It does sound like your "med cocktail" could be a better one. Here's to hoping the depakote helps along with the Vraylar.

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Originally Posted by Sapien I just took a look at some stuff I wrote before I tried the no drugs/alcohol thing. Wow. Things were chaotic. Showing up to therapy high and pissing her off regularly, getting drunk and sexting exes, etc. I came across a note I wrote when I overdosed as I was about to pass out that was basically "sorry Mom." It's easy to say "I don't deserve the good things that come with sobriety," but it's a lot harder to say "my mom doesn't deserve a sober daughter." So I don't think I'm going to worry much about relapsing now. Getting a look at how things really were is helpful. It's so easy to look back at the past with rose tinted glasses. I'm glad I journal a lot and use forums like this one to every now and then look back and see the progress I've made. Boy was I fked up! I do relate to an idea that was brought up in my dual diagnosis group I did, and that is being "addicted to chaos." It's probably why I'm in the relationship I'm in right now and it's probably why I'm clean and sober for other people as opposed to myself and probably why I have trouble with med compliance. It's something I need to work on and I'm definitely going to bring this up with my therapist.

Yeah, reading things we wrote back when can be a shocking eye-opener. That happened to me the other day. Reading those things can tell us how far we've come, too!

An addiction to chaos is common with users.

I'm feeling somewhat down. I'm not entirely pleased with how I'm feeling lately. I haven't had a dream that wasn't anxiety-related in I can't remember how long. I would like to go outside and get some sun today, but I went and pulled a muscle in my right calf. I can't believe this! Walking hurts like he!l. I've been putting it off because I am trying not to take it too often, but I'll go ahead and try some Advil. I'm just a bit concerned because my lower right achilles tendon is where I had surgery a couple of years ago. I don't think this pain is along my achilles, though.

David is coming over tonight and bringing me a few groceries. I wish he'd come over on the early side so I could watch a movie after he leaves, but he always runs late.

The war in Ukraine has my nerves on edge. I don't watch the news that much, but it doesn't really matter. I think I'll feel some relief when NATO meets on Thursday. Maybe that will give us a sense of where we stand.

Okay, I'm going to turn on some music and do some chores to distract myself.

~HUGS~ all around!

That's pretty crazy we have had our vet office for 23 years. We started taking our Husky when she was a puppy and that was over 23 years. Pretty good prices. If you get pet meds check out 1800petmeds we get good prices on our animal meds.


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Desr beth,
I hope that you visitor stays a short time so you can watch a movie.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Feeling really depressed today. Me and my pup took a couple hour ride from Idaho to Oregon back to idaho gone for a couple of hours it was a fun ride. We got out a couple of times to stop so he could pee on some trees lol.

He is such a proud little guy but ever since my wife passed away he has been kind of clingy. He is always laying on me also he was my dog he would ignore her lol. The only way I could get him to lay in the other seat was I had to put my flannel down. This is him in my shirt at home.

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My condolences on the loss of your son.

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I write a lot of stuff that I delete it is cleaning to me. I find it let's me say what I want and I either don't post or I do for a short amount of time and delete. I celebrated 24 years clean. 4 months no alcohol 3 months no cigarettes and about 2 hours since I smoked pot for the very last time cause all it does is make me depressed. One day at a time

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Originally Posted by bizi Desr beth, I hope that you visitor stays a short time so you can watch a movie. ((((HUGS))))) bizi

Ha, thanks bizi. How are you?

I am supposed to be filling out the Paperwork for my wife's life insurance and I have had them since Thursday and I kept saying I will do it the next day. Well it is Sunday and I just can't do it I can even look at them. I have not even looked at her death certificate. I am going to call my dad and see if I can come over tomorrow and have him fill them out for me. I really can't. Hell I thought if I smoked little weed it would help it made me even more depressed been a while since I smoked any. Tonight was the last time I will ever smoke weed. It is not worth the depression.

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Today was better than yesterday. I got along well with my dog. My upset about her enormous vet bill is passing. I knew it would. The sun came out at 6:00pm. It was nice to see it. I think that's partly why i was so unhappy yesterday, the weather, it rained all day. But now most of the snow is gone and we're heading into two sunny days so i should feel better and i have my weekday ZOOM groups to look forward to also. I did some good tidying today and my neighbors laughed at my neon green hoodie i wore to take the trash out and kidded me that i'll never get run-over wearing it, it's so bright. So that was fun.

@otroo:

Your little dog is so cute! Sounds adorable too. No animal mourns like a dog.

My dad said he would.

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@otroo Your dog is a cutie!

I took a 2+ hour nap again today. First hour I dozed and then finally slept but I woke up to pee and the second I was back in bed, the alarm went off. Of course! The 2nd hour I was just in and out of sleep the whole time. It may have had something to do with taking Benadryl for allergies!

I am watching a series on Disney+ on Disney Imagineering. (That's imagination + engineering.). They are talking about how they built all the parks- stuff like the Disneyland Paris almost failed because the French didn't like it- and they didn't sell wine at the park so of course the French demanded it. This series has several episodes.

Hey that's great that he's going to help!

Thank you. We have 2 children and they seem to be processing pretty well.

I've betrayed some of the closest people in my life when I was younger. I have a "friend" that is trying to reconnect with me and it's dug up all the ****edupness that I did in my teens. I know I was sick but how much can I wipe away with accepting that. That girl has no idea how I ruined her life. I don't feel she should know either. Then I realized I did that to all my "friends". I don't know why but I did. I ruined several peoples lives. I know I'm only partially responsible but that part makes me feel sick. I can't say I wouldn't ruin their lives if I became close to someone again. So I'm going to keep my distance.

I was not drinking alcohol for lent so I made it 19 days.
then I remembered that sundays are not part of lent.

We went to a festival today and I drank. I love to drink
so it was great I drank vodka free samples and then beer.
since I have been home I have had 2 gin and tonics.
tomorrow it will be back to my NA beers.
I am doing well thank you beth.
bizi

Otroo ! What a sweet baby.

Whatever! That’s such a huge vet bill I can understand the stress. I’m glad your processing that bill better.

Beth ! I hate to see you struggle and it’s ongoing… anxiety is pure hell. What show are you binging? I’m glad your getting mostly beautiful blue skies. How’s Sidney?

Soupe! Have a lovely time on your trip. Hope the antibiotics clear things up and your back to feeling better.

Jennifer ! You always amaze me with your ongoing open communication about your home situation. Pro active !! Have a lovely busy week

Moose ! Have a hell of a good time at Disney!

Pinny so that going back to work is so stressful.

Sapien ! Keep fighting to good fight you’re doing amazing !

Rainbow! Okay so hate that this health problem is just being drawn out so very long. Can’t wait til this is all behind you.

Wild ! Oh hun I’m so sorry that your still struggling so hard I am proud of you for being so open with RS and realizing what you need. Hope you start getting your feet back under you and you’ll really enjoy your trip !

Bizi congrats on 19 days. That’s really good. It’s hard to fully stop something you really enjoy. Be kind to yourself.

MM you need to find a way to forgive yourself for what happened in the past. Obviously if your friend is connecting with you either didn’t think what you did was so big or they have moved past it. Go easy on yourself. You’ve had a lot of stuff going on.

Okay I know I’m forgetting people and I apologize!

Well my husband and I were up until 630 am. Our taxes are due by next week and we have been struggling with how to pay them. We finally settled on using our 2 credit cards which have low balances but that will leave you with zero available money for an emergency but we have no choice.

As for fixing the truck Steve estimates at least 1500.00 him doing all the work which will require he pull entire engine out ! What a nightmare it’s become.

I’ve been having to bath my dog Sirius every 2-3 days he’s been scratching himself like crazy. It’s not fleas but it looks like mange! If it is NO IDEA how he has it. It’s a strong medicated shampoo that has to be lathered up and left on for 20 mins then rinsed. This is a huge chore he’s 70-75 lbs and long hair. I just want him to feel better.

My stress is just unchartedable ! I woke to my teeth and jaw incredibly sore from clenching and grinding my teeth which is not common for me.

I just want to pay the taxes somehow be able to start working on the truck. Things have just been frantic like since Cindy had that devastating aneurysm mid January and Steve being gone over 6 weeks.

I will say our weather has been amazing ! I’m back on the porch a lot of the day and windows open to air out my home. It just so yuck when all shut up for winter. We certainly aren’t over with winter yet. But getting such a nice break is amazing !

My Fitbit continues to be one of my best investments. I tracking glucose and food intake it’s very simple I just scan barcodes or do a simple search to find what we are eating and it saves all info. I’m working hard to keep my calories daily at 850-900 a day. Between that and my pushing myself to get out and moving daily but ….. my diabetic medication side effect can be weight gain and then psych meds ! I should certainly be losing but at least I’m not gaining. Ugh tho.

Wow I have sure rambled eeek ! Anyone that’s hung in I thank you

Hugs and sugar free chocolate chip cookies to everyone ~

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I've been up since midnight acting like I have diabetes by chugging 2 bottles of water and a can of soda then pissing like a racehorse all night and still being thirsty. But I'm not hungry and I havent been for a long time and I thought with diabetes you were ravenous. I got a friend request from my bigoted very obese (she was like 400 pounds the last time I saw her) cousin who does not like me and does not hide it from my other family members. Plus shes a jack *** to some of them too. She unfriended me in late 2015 for some reason unclear to me. I'm not sure why she friended me last night after almost 7 years. If she's trying to change her ways or if she's trying to use me for something. She had mentioned to one of my cousins about trying to get back into the family. Even her own parents don't want anything to do with her. I looked at her friends list and very few family members are friends with her. My mom, my aunt, and my sister are not. So I probably will just ignore the request as well. I don't really feel comfortable having her see all my stuff anyways. She was really rude to me at my dads funeral and that stuff you just don't forget. I just feel like theres some kind of ulterior motive behind her friending me after 7 years. She's a bit of a naricisst and pretty manipulative despite almost being 40.

My doctors appointment is in a few hours and my anxiety sucks even with the valium I took earlier. Of course I don't want food and I for sure don't want to watch The Today Show so I just have to deal with it until its time to leave.

@BethRags

I’m sorry your anxiety is so high! Anxiety is the worst. It’s a shame you injured yourself too. I do hope you were able to get some sun anyway. Saturday was gorgeous here but I was too upset to walk so I just sat outside and watched the birds build their nes in the birdhouse we have. I was sitting close to the bird feeder and a titmouse sat on the railing to our porch and chirped at me for a good 20 minutes to get me to move lol. Maybe if it’s still nice where you are you can just sit outside. Not sure what kind of living set up you have though, sometimes it’s hard to find a place to sit if you are in an apartment.

@~Christina

It is unfortunate and counterintuitive that a diabetes med should cause weight gain when losing weight often helps diabetes! If it’s type 2, I mean. It is great that your Fitbit is helping you so much. I had a very very cheap knock off that really only tracked steps (in metric so my silly imperial measurement brain couldn’t compute lol) so I stopped using it. Maybe investing in an actual real Fitbit would be a good idea for me!

There's tons to catch up on, but I don't even know where I'd wanna start. Despite everything seemingly going well I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what I'm doing or why. It kinda sucks.

You do drink a lot but how much is a lot? And how much do you pee? Weird question I know but there’s actually another type of diabetes called diabetes insipidus which I have which has nothing to do with sugar and is all about the amount you drink and pee. I used to drink up to 20Litres over a 24hr period (9L of that overnight when I was meant to be sleeping) when I was unmedicated and of course was peeing all day and all night. Now that I’m medicated I only drink around 2 litres a day like a normal person. Not everyone with it drinks 20L though - some drink 4 or 5. Do you drink that much?

I drink about four 16.9oz bottles and 2 or 3 cans or bottles of sodas. Mostly zero sugar. Sometimes I'll drink a 50oz bottle of water. I can pace myself better with that unlike the smaller ones that I just chug. So normally its about 68oz of water total for the day.

I've been going every hour it seems.

I’m sorry you’re stressed @~Christina , I hope you get some relief soon

I’m glad to hear your Fitbit has been beneficial to you, I have one as well and it’s been helpful to me too. It helps keep me motivated to walk a lot and stay active.

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I hope you feel better soon!

I’m nervous about the whole Russia/Ukraine war as well. I keep having nightmares about being in a war since it started. I have been avoiding the news as much as possible too, out of necessity due to my anxiety getting so bad. I think the best thing I can do is keep praying and donate what I can to charities helping the people in Ukraine.

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