Bipolar check-in #63

Brief Introduction:

Hi, my name is Gary and I’m new to this thread. My dx is Bipolar I, depressive type and I’m prescribed lamictal & cymbalta, and trazodone.

My symptoms are reasonably managed most of the time and I go to a community mental health clinic to see a psychiatrist and counselor.

Dealing with bereavement and grief d/t the loss of our son 3 years ago. He was 37. My wife and I are just starting to come out of the fog.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Welcome Gary. Glad you’re here!!!! My condolences on the loss of your son.

Checking in. I’m still here and still kicking. I feel good about my decision not to meet my daughter this weekend. It was the right thing to do. She’s been texting me and I’ve been cordial but haven’t bent over backwards like I usually do. It hurts a little but I’ve already grieved whatever will be. I’m at peace. I’m going to order the Atlanta tickets as an act of faith.

I sat down with mom and talked for about 3 hours on increased roles for all 3 of us to make things better. I feel good about the plan we made. It will take just a little more effort on everyone’s part. I still have the lion’s share but it will be nice to have some help.

My unpredictable friend has gotten more predictable. I’m glad for that. I was and am prepared to build up a strong tribe in my life here in town and a strong support system and slowly decrease their role if need be. To that end, I have a social event every day starting Monday and going through Sunday. I will be attending all events.

Things are getting better as I put my needs and healing first and as I lead with self love and self respect.

Hugs to all!

I go to the big city hospital for breast center #2 on Tuesday. (For those who don't memorize my life story I've been going through a breast cancer scare for the last few months. As of now the last place thought it was benign but needed to come out. They couldn't do the surgery with my MAOI. So I got referred and the bigger, better hospital found some more concerning things on my pathology slides from one of my 2 biopsies. So I don't know.

But I do know that as it gets closer I get more anxious. Last night I slept a little bit and then had to take an extra .5 mg of klonopin twice to get to sleep about 5. I hate using it but my pdoc made it clear that right now I need to and I'm not going to lose the tiny progress I'd made in getting off.

I just really want this over. I have 3 appointments Tuesday. First they look at the images from hospital #1. Then I have mammogram#5 since December (I'm unclear if they'll still do this if the images they have are sufficient). And then I meet with the surgeon.

I'll be so glad to be done with this. I've had so many mammograms and several needles into my breast, including one that had a port on it that let a device be placed that my breast so sore. I don't mind mammograms normally but I think it if I have to have one Tuesday it will be uncomfortable. I can't wear an underwire bra comfortably right now I squeezing my breast sounds like a bad idea.

3 more days.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 I'm just sick about my vet bill of one thousand dollars. I couldn't face another pet ordeal on Monday with her grooming so i postponed it two weeks. I still have to bus her morning urine sample in tho and i'm a zombie in the morning. Monday. So sick of having a pet. It's no use trying to get rid of her tho. I've tried three times and each time i change my mind at the last minute. I'm stuck with her. Trapped.

How very sad for both of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gary290 Brief Introduction: Hi, my name is Gary and I’m new to this thread. My dx is Bipolar I, depressive type and I’m prescribed lamictal & cymbalta, and trazodone. My symptoms are reasonably managed most of the time and I go to a community mental health clinic to see a psychiatrist and counselor. Dealing with bereavement and grief d/t the loss of our son 3 years ago. He was 37. My wife and I are just starting to come out of the fog. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi gary, Welcome. I saw your post on the Introduction board.

My deepest condolences on the loss of your son. Do you have any other children and, if so, how are they coping? I have two children, a daughter 35 and a son, 32.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I go to the big city hospital for breast center #2 on Tuesday. (For those who don't memorize my life story I've been going through a breast cancer scare for the last few months. As of now the last place thought it was benign but needed to come out. They couldn't do the surgery with my MAOI. So I got referred and the bigger, better hospital found some more concerning things on my pathology slides from one of my 2 biopsies. So I don't know. But I do know that as it gets closer I get more anxious. Last night I slept a little bit and then had to take an extra .5 mg of klonopin twice to get to sleep about 5. I hate using it but my pdoc made it clear that right now I need to and I'm not going to lose the tiny progress I'd made in getting off. I just really want this over. I have 3 appointments Tuesday. First they look at the images from hospital #1. Then I have mammogram#5 since December (I'm unclear if they'll still do this if the images they have are sufficient). And then I meet with the surgeon. I'll be so glad to be done with this. I've had so many mammograms and several needles into my breast, including one that had a port on it that let a device be placed that my breast so sore. I don't mind mammograms normally but I think it if I have to have one Tuesday it will be uncomfortable. I can't wear an underwire bra comfortably right now I squeezing my breast sounds like a bad idea. 3 more days.....

Thank you for checking in and updating us. I agree with your psychiatrist regarding the Klonopin.

Hubby and I had a pleasant day yesterday with his sister, nephews, one nephew's SO, and family friend. We walked through some of Prague, went to a gallery, and enjoyed a nice dinner. What is very pleasant is that we're staying in the same building in which my husband grew up. This friend also grew up in the building and now owns most of it and still lives in an apartment. Her family owned it before communism and got it back as restitution after communism fell.

Today we'll go to a museum and visit other friends. The actor friend we saw at a theater a few weeks back. We were to see him in the theater a few days ago, but the performance was canceled because he broke his ankle and arm from a fall. He had no understudy. Tonight we'll have another nice dinner at his friend's house. Duck.

Attached is a photo of Prague I took yesterday from a pretty point on a hill. We noticed that tourists have started returning to Prague, but not an overwhelming number.

It’s a shame you feel that way coz I bet she’s completely in love with you and she’d be heartbroken if you gave her away. Dogs are like that.

Welcome! I am so sorry about the loss of your son. No parent should have to lose a child. Please join in and post whenever/whatever you want for support.

@gary290 Welcome to the check-in thread! I hope you find it as helpful and heart warming as I do. My condolences on the loss of your son. No child should die before the parents. I can imagine what it might be like if I lost one of my kids and I know that it doesn't even come close to your reality.

I feel pretty good today. I feel a lot better then I did late yesterday afternoon when I was a bit S for the first time in a really long time. It was just the current events really getting to me again. I took my regular meds early. Then I took 30mil of melatonin right before 4PM. Then I took another 10Mil around 7. Just to sleep not for any other reason. I fell asleep and I had bad sleep paralysis for the first time in 2 years. I know when I was on my injections my night terrors and REM type stuff totally stopped. So I'm hoping it was just the melatonin and this stuff isnt coming back. I woke up around 1AM. I don't remember how I was feeling but I decided to take an AM Geodon. Like I should be doing. Then I fell back asleep until 6. I got up and watched the Drag Race episode from Friday night. Then I took a shower and got coffee. I'm chilling out now and I feel pretty calm. So yeah, the current events really got to me yesterday but today I'm doing pretty good, I think mainly because I took my prescribed meds properly. Like I took a Geodon 80 in the AM instead of 160 all at night. I know the 1AM timing wasn't the best but at least I took it in the morning.

I've been freezing lately. Despite the fact its pretty warm out. I've been sleeping under a 10 pound weighted blanket, a queen size fleece, and 2 throw blankets. And if I'm wearing shorts I'm still cold. I wonder if thats one of the reasons I've been sleeping so much better lately. Before I would get really hot under even a throw blanket and I wouldn't sleep well. No clue why I'm so cold though. My doctor did mention something about low testereone and developing anemia. Maybe its the same thing if you go off it altogether.

@unlived:

Thanks for your support. Yes, the bond between a dog and their human is very strong. When i tried to give her away the second time the person and i went out for a walk and even when i tried to let them go off on their own my dog looked back and wouldn't take her eyes off me. It would be very hard on her. She'll be ten this year and may only live four or six more years so i will just have to grin and bear it. Part of this is my depression of course. I find her delightful when my mood is up. It's just a particularly hard time.

@BethRags:

Thanks for your support. Yes, it is a sad situation. She was a manic impulse purchase. You can't unring a bell. I'm feeling better about her this morning since i slept nice and late. I feel so unhealthy when i wake up early. And my one close neighbor offered to drive us to her grooming that i rebooked in the afternoon, even tho the neighbor prefers morning. So that's nice. Also, getting up later means getting her urine sample in won't be such an ordeal.

@gary290:

Welcome aboard! Very sorry about your son.

Welcome to the Bipolar forum, Gary! Thank you for joining us. I'm glad to read that your bipolar disorder is reasonably managed and you have a mental healthcare team.

Grief is an awful challenge in life, especially when you lose someone way too young. I'm sorry you did, too.

I made a couple posts today but deleted them because they're just me wanting to use again. I'm listening to a lot of the same music that got me through the initial withdrawals. My year is only 5 days away, but I feel like I'll need a miracle to get there.

Keep working hard, you can do this!

I’m so worried about work on Tuesday! Eeek!
It’s a pretty big stress and I’m not sure I’m ready after this episode. I’m still sleeping an awful lot!
Hopefully it will go ok on Tuesday and I will manage. It’s only 4 hours I have to do.
I hope everyone is doing well!

"It was one of those March days
when the sun shines hot
and the wind blows cold:
when it is summer in the light,
and winter in the shade."

-Charles Dickens
Great Expectations

*Welcome spring!*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hubby and I had a pleasant day yesterday with his sister, nephews, one nephew's SO, and family friend. We walked through some of Prague, went to a gallery, and enjoyed a nice dinner. What is very pleasant is that we're staying in the same building in which my husband grew up. This friend also grew up in the building and now owns most of it and still lives in an apartment. Her family owned it before communism and got it back as restitution after communism fell. Today we'll go to a museum and visit other friends. The actor friend we saw at a theater a few weeks back. We were to see him in the theater a few days ago, but the performance was canceled because he broke his ankle and arm from a fall. He had no understudy. Tonight we'll have another nice dinner at his friend's house. Duck. Attached is a photo of Prague I took yesterday from a pretty point on a hill. We noticed that tourists have started returning to Prague, but not an overwhelming number.

It all sounds like a nice visit. Thank you for the photo, it's such fun to see pics of various places in the world.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I feel pretty good today. I feel a lot better then I did late yesterday afternoon when I was a bit S for the first time in a really long time. It was just the current events really getting to me again. I took my regular meds early. Then I took 30mil of melatonin right before 4PM. Then I took another 10Mil around 7. Just to sleep not for any other reason. I fell asleep and I had bad sleep paralysis for the first time in 2 years. I know when I was on my injections my night terrors and REM type stuff totally stopped. So I'm hoping it was just the melatonin and this stuff isnt coming back. I woke up around 1AM. I don't remember how I was feeling but I decided to take an AM Geodon. Like I should be doing. Then I fell back asleep until 6. I got up and watched the Drag Race episode from Friday night. Then I took a shower and got coffee. I'm chilling out now and I feel pretty calm. So yeah, the current events really got to me yesterday but today I'm doing pretty good, I think mainly because I took my prescribed meds properly. Like I took a Geodon 80 in the AM instead of 160 all at night. I know the 1AM timing wasn't the best but at least I took it in the morning. I've been freezing lately. Despite the fact its pretty warm out. I've been sleeping under a 10 pound weighted blanket, a queen size fleece, and 2 throw blankets. And if I'm wearing shorts I'm still cold. I wonder if thats one of the reasons I've been sleeping so much better lately. Before I would get really hot under even a throw blanket and I wouldn't sleep well. No clue why I'm so cold though. My doctor did mention something about low testereone and developing anemia. Maybe its the same thing if you go off it altogether.

Are you prone to anemia? Anemia can cause a person to feel cold a lot. But anemia is easily treated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 @unlived: Thanks for your support. Yes, the bond between a dog and their human is very strong. When i tried to give her away the second time the person and i went out for a walk and even when i tried to let them go off on their own my dog looked back and wouldn't take her eyes off me. It would be very hard on her. She'll be ten this year and may only live four or six more years so i will just have to grin and bear it. Part of this is my depression of course. I find her delightful when my mood is up. It's just a particularly hard time. @BethRags: Thanks for your support. Yes, it is a sad situation. She was a manic impulse purchase. You can't unring a bell. I'm feeling better about her this morning since i slept nice and late. I feel so unhealthy when i wake up early. And my one close neighbor offered to drive us to her grooming that i rebooked in the afternoon, even tho the neighbor prefers morning. So that's nice. Also, getting up later means getting her urine sample in won't be such an ordeal. @gary290: Welcome aboard! Very sorry about your son.

Jane, I know we've discussed anti-depressants, which aren't a good option for you at this point. But are you taking a mood stabilizer? Lamictal, maybe?

I've never had it before but I think my doctor said I was prone to it. Thanks for always replying to my posts. I feel like I did something recently to get shunned on here but I am confused as to what I did that I did not already apologize for. People confuse me a lot.

I just took a look at some stuff I wrote before I tried the no drugs/alcohol thing. Wow. Things were chaotic. Showing up to therapy high and pissing her off regularly, getting drunk and sexting exes, etc. I came across a note I wrote when I overdosed as I was about to pass out that was basically "sorry Mom." It's easy to say "I don't deserve the good things that come with sobriety," but it's a lot harder to say "my mom doesn't deserve a sober daughter."

So I don't think I'm going to worry much about relapsing now. Getting a look at how things really were is helpful. It's so easy to look back at the past with rose tinted glasses. I'm glad I journal a lot and use forums like this one to every now and then look back and see the progress I've made. Boy was I fked up!

I do relate to an idea that was brought up in my dual diagnosis group I did, and that is being "addicted to chaos." It's probably why I'm in the relationship I'm in right now and it's probably why I'm clean and sober for other people as opposed to myself and probably why I have trouble with med compliance. It's something I need to work on and I'm definitely going to bring this up with my therapist.

I am so restless and I believe it’s akathisia. Xanax calms me a bit and when I’m calm I’m steeped in despair. I am about 90% sure my clinician will be calling crisis on me tomorrow, but there is a chance she won’t.

I just feel like I’m at the end of the line. NONE of the meds are working. I know I have to hold out hope because I literally just started the depakote increase and cogentin to hopefully combat the akathisia. It’s just that vraylar was supposed to control my mood as well but it only controls paranoia. I mean that’s a good thing I guess. IP would keep me safe but I am not hopeful it would actually make me feel better.

I hit my head all morning but RS has the sharps/meds in his truck, including the things I can break apart. I can’t get into his truck because he has like 20 keys for his vehicles and work vehicles/machinery and I wouldn’t know where to even start to find which one it is. So that’s good.

I just really feel like I’m at the end of the line. I know this is probably just my illness talking but it’s so discouraging. I just want to go to sleep until this see saw is over.

Oh well as long as I’m calm I’m too depressed to move forward with destructive acts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I've never had it before but I think my doctor said I was prone to it. Thanks for always replying to my posts. I feel like I did something recently to get shunned on here but I am confused as to what I did that I did not already apologize for. People confuse me a lot.

Yes, people can definitely be confusing. I think it's especially difficult for Aquarians, to figure out people. And Aquarians are so often misunderstood, in my experience. My husband is an Aquarius, so is my sister, and I have an Aquarius moon.