Bipolar check-in #64

I didn't have any side effects last night from the shot. I thought I might get nauseated. I don't feel any different then I did before. Same moods. Same appeitie. My weight is finally legit moving after 11 days and I am now down to 157 and the last time I was that weight was Thanksgiving 2019. I remember because I had just come out to my therapist the Monday before Thanksgivng and she told me to stop focusing on my weight loss and focus on my transiton. Also I had a bit of a screw up with my meds in December 2019 which caused me to go up to 170 pretty quickly and then by Thanksgiving 2020 I was 187. I mean, I did also gain the covid weight like a lot of other people did. What did they call it. The covid 19. But yeah the 30 pounds is off now. I am still kinda down in the dumps and I'm not really sure why. I've been in a funk since yesterday and I can't tell what the issue is. I'm hoping it passes though.

I think my therapist sucks. She said I need a med change so she doesn't have to do her job. Not every dysfunctional thing is bp-related for me. I'm not paranoid.

I'm unsure now. Maybe she's right.

I was just at the grocery store and this person I think was another trans man was giving me a really weird almost dirty look. He was a lot bigger then me and didn't really pass or maybe its just that trans people just typically recgonize each other. but I don't know if he was giving me a jealous look or what his issue was but it didn't seem like a very pleasent look. I never get that type of look from anyone from any age or gender. It was just such a strange look it did seem kinda like a jealousy look. He then dissapeared to another asile. He was stocking a shelf. and I hurried off myself. It was awkward though. My mom said maybe he was just trying to figure out if I was trans. I am just having a hard time leaving my house lately and when stuff like this happens it makes it harder.

My sister emailed me a bit ago asking if a certain time for Easter dinner would be fine. In that case, it was perfect since we plan to visit a friend in the morning for a brunch party. Then she asked if we might celebrate our dad's 80th birthday two days after his actual birthday and just take an ice cream cake to the assisted living facility on the actual day. The reason she gave was that he would be getting multiple teeth extracted the day before his birthday, an appointment I knew nothing about. Before responding, my initial reaction was to simply agree to anything, but then other thoughts went through my mind. First was that I did NOT want to be bringing a birthday cake to his stupid assisted living facility, because I hate that place. Second was that such a change in the main celebration date would eliminate possible days for other visits and a trip we want to take with him to the shore (and seafood restaurant), whose date would be weather dependent. Third thought was that Dad could possibly be miserable and incapable to enjoy all foods during the majority of my visit because of the teeth. This last thought was the icing on the cake. Sis did write that she could possibly change the dental appointment date, and Dad would likely be happy for a delay, but that it would be problematic for a denture fitting. Just to think that the first time I see him (for just a week), properly, in the last 1 1/2 years that he might be miserable because of tooth extractions!

I re-read my response to my sister and I think it was mostly neutral in tone, but I did mention the above concerns. I also wrote that that one week might be the most I see our father for well over a year afterwards. I left it to her. I even wrote that if my idea of going to the shore with Dad seemed unreasonable, given his condition, to give me a reality check. Truth is, I'm not sure how much he can and can't do, or would want to do.

I’m going to give my back a few more times at the weight/stretch fitness class to see if I get used to the fitness class. Yesterday was just my first one and I’m sure it’s good for me. With the aqua class I feel no stress on my back, but this class I do. Some of the stuff I just can’t do cause my back is fused. It would be good to be a bit more flexible.

The class do give me a mood booster. So I’m going to try and work though the pain.

Really depressed this week two separate nights I woke up thinking my wife alive and that I was having a bad nightmare of her being dead. One time I even got out of bed to check the bathroom cause I heard a noise in there It was my dog getting a drink.
To top it all off I have been sick the last 2 days. My Gastroparesis is acting up and I need to get into the doctor's to get antibiotics for it. I hate going to the doctors but if I don't do it now I will be back in the ER again getting fluids and medications.
The other thing is I might have to put one of my dogs down. She is like 15 and is pretty much blind. She gets panic attacks now especially if I am nor home. I know this because the last 3 times I was gone I found her curled up in our bathtub. She can see shadows but that's it. Then she hears these different noises and she can't see what is making the noise so it scares her.
My other dog is dying from a bad heart not sure how long he will hold on for but he does not seam to be in pain.

If it was not for bad luck I would not have any luck.

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My sister got back to me and said that she delayed my father's dental procedure. It's definitely for the best.

My therapist emailed me a few hours ago and is moving our session to virtual tommorow. I honestly don't care because my anxiety about leaving my house has started spilling into in person therapy and also I'm not really feeling good myself either right now. So I watched TV all day and then once I got her email I took another afternoon shower so I wouldnt have to take one in the morning. Honestly it is quite a relief to be doing virtual tommrow. I whined nonstop for over a year from March 2020 to May 2021 about going back to in person and now I am grateful for a virtual session every now and then. Although I hope she isn't thinking about going back to virtual permenantly.

I just had my (last!) appointment with my (former) pdoc, the harpy. I explained to her that I have increased the Gabapentin by 300mg. and that my anxiety is now under control. I am able to function, to live life. She flipped her cookies and said stuff about losing her license because I increased my medication without her permission. I told her that her medical license is not my responsibility, but that my responsibility is to take care of myself so that I have the best mental health possible.

We had a nasty argument (power struggle, basically). After 20 minutes I ended it by telling her that I will be making a formal complaint about her, and that we are done. I hung up.

I called the clinic and asked for a complaint form to be sent to me. I explained why I need the form. The receptionist I spoke with told me that a patient earlier today had called to make a complaint about the same pdoc. She said that "a lot of people are having problems with that doctor." The woman should not be in practice.

I made an appointment with a doctor at the clinic who apparently specializes in helping people get off meds such as Klonopin. I may or may not keep that appointment - I probably will, just to check out his approach. But the good news is that I have the Monday appointment with a different clinic where I'll meet the new med provider. I have enough Gabapentin (plus a refill) to make it to that appointment.

I'm literally shaking all over. Yet, I am proud of myself for standing my ground, and for following through with other options. I look forward to making the complaint about the b**** - and being DONE with her. I hate burning bridges, but I've learned that sometimes it has to be done.

Thanks for being there, my friends. Thank you for listening. I'm going to do some work, change my focus, and try my best to calm down.

~**~**~***LOVE and PEACE vibes to all*~~*~**~**

BethRags, you rock! I'm glad you acted with such empowerment. And you're right that that pdoc's license is not your issue, and it's hard to believe she was even telling the truth. Even your increase of 300 mg gabapentin should not have brought such a reaction from her. It's not like you increased it by 1,000 mg. [I'm a bit familiar with its dosing.] Instead, she should have expressed some acknowledgement and relief that your anxiety has eased. She failed to make it happen. Perhaps that's part of her problem. Or if she didn't want improvement, we know that's obviously even worse.

If I was in your shoes, I would simply mention the new dose you're taking to any new doc and say it's suddenly helping after an increase. No need to say you raised it yourself, if you can avoid it.

I'm so sorry bethrags.

I'm so tired, and closed down. T wants me to walk with one of my boys everyday. She wants me to reach out to my former friends. I didn't tell her I ruined their lives. That if I was honest they would hate me. I try to be agreeable but it's hard. She wants me to start coloring again. She says I have to do things to get out of this depression, that meds are number 1 but I have to change things up. I didn't tell her about the sh thoughts because I don't know how to breach the topic. I did tell her when things are bad we put the sharps and pills up. But I gave today a 6. I need to go over with her what her scale is because my scale is a bit 'dramatic'. She said I was flat today. This is me trying a lot.

Good for you @BethRags ! It sounds like she is not very good at her job though I don't know that that person on the phone should've told you that a lot of people are complaining about her- though I'm sure you're glad she did!

@Miguel'smom
I tend to do that too- be flat when I'm really depressed in front of pdoc's, tdocs or docs in general.

Sometimes I get a feeling of fullness in my neck and chest. It just happened actually which is why I'm writing about it. My breathing appears to be normal but with this cold my whole face feels stuffed up. I hope I don't get a sinus infection. I thought about getting a decongestant but I'm not sure it would play well with my other meds and besides which decongestants tend to dry everything out! Not to mention you have to go through the TSA procedures practically to get any decongestants these days. All I've done today besides check on my mom's place is sit at home and watch Golden Girls. I figure I'm sick- I can clean another day. (Only a week and 2 days until the inspection though! I keep saying I'm going to sweep and mop especially since I have drs appointments next week leading up to the inspection including a dentist appointment the day before- I hope I don't have cavities like last time. (There were 7 last time which I stupidly said to fill all at once!). I woke up this morning with a dried out mouth from mouth breathing all night with my CPAP on. They have a water reservoir for humidity but it didn't seem to be enough. If I set it any higher it will run completely out of water and that's worse. Anyway, I may take a shower before bed. I need one anyway plus at least temporarily it will clear out my sinuses.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour BethRags, you rock! I'm glad you acted with such empowerment. And you're right that that pdoc's license is not your issue, and it's hard to believe she was even telling the truth. Even your increase of 300 mg gabapentin should not have brought such a reaction from her. It's not like you increased it by 1,000 mg. [I'm a bit familiar with its dosing.] Instead, she should have expressed some acknowledgement and relief that your anxiety has eased. She failed to make it happen. Perhaps that's part of her problem. Or if she didn't want improvement, we know that's obviously even worse. If I was in your shoes, I would simply mention the new dose you're taking to any new doc and say it's suddenly helping after an increase. No need to say you raised it yourself, if you can avoid it.

Merci, merci! Your post is excellent, I appreciate it very much. In fact, I am going to jot it down because your advice is so helpful - I can use it.

I drank too much and got sick, hubby does not know.
bizi

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom I'm so sorry bethrags. I'm so tired, and closed down. T wants me to walk with one of my boys everyday. She wants me to reach out to my former friends. I didn't tell her I ruined their lives. That if I was honest they would hate me. I try to be agreeable but it's hard. She wants me to start coloring again. She says I have to do things to get out of this depression, that meds are number 1 but I have to change things up. I didn't tell her about the sh thoughts because I don't know how to breach the topic. I did tell her when things are bad we put the sharps and pills up. But I gave today a 6. I need to go over with her what her scale is because my scale is a bit 'dramatic'. She said I was flat today. This is me trying a lot.

You do sound flat, and depressed. And you do sound like you're trying really hard.


What do you mean...ruined your friends' lives? Are you sure that's not your depression telling you tales?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Sometimes I get a feeling of fullness in my neck and chest. It just happened actually which is why I'm writing about it. My breathing appears to be normal but with this cold my whole face feels stuffed up. I hope I don't get a sinus infection. I thought about getting a decongestant but I'm not sure it would play well with my other meds and besides which decongestants tend to dry everything out! Not to mention you have to go through the TSA procedures practically to get any decongestants these days. All I've done today besides check on my mom's place is sit at home and watch Golden Girls. I figure I'm sick- I can clean another day. (Only a week and 2 days until the inspection though! I keep saying I'm going to sweep and mop especially since I have drs appointments next week leading up to the inspection including a dentist appointment the day before- I hope I don't have cavities like last time. (There were 7 last time which I stupidly said to fill all at once!). I woke up this morning with a dried out mouth from mouth breathing all night with my CPAP on. They have a water reservoir for humidity but it didn't seem to be enough. If I set it any higher it will run completely out of water and that's worse. Anyway, I may take a shower before bed. I need one anyway plus at least temporarily it will clear out my sinuses.

Have you ever tried Ocean nasal spray?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi I drank too much and got sick, hubby does not know. bizi

Oh no, bizi. Is anything in particular going on that caused you to feel like drinking that much? How are you now?

I 'know' my 16 year old self was in survival mode but that's not a reason to do the things I did. So yes I did ruin her life, it's not completely my fault but it feels that way. I feel weird talking to my friend because of it.

No, what is that? I've been using Flonase since it's allergy season anyway. My shower really helped- though my nose is back to being stuffed up- cleared me out for at least half an hour in addition to being refreshing in general. I have comfy clothes on too.

Still waiting for my biopsy results. They said 3-5 business days so I should hear by Thursday. I really hope it is tomorrow. At the other (smaller) hospital it only took 24 hours for this biopsy.


I've probably signed into the patient portal 12 times today. I know it won't be there until it sends a message it is there but I'm making sure I get it ASAP.

This is certainly a lesson in patience.

It was truly accident. He still feels bad about it lol

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Outstanding !!! Pro active for your own mental health is fantastic! You did great !!!

She can suck it !!!

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I’m sorry hun Hope your feeling better quickly

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