Bipolar check-in #65

I spent my childhood on and in lakes. The lake we had our cabin on was a very clear lake in the 60’s and 70’s. Now it’s not as clear, but it’s still pretty good. There was a smaller more murky lake though the woods on the other side of the road, that one we would carry inter tubes and canoes to because the sun fish would nibble at you. But if there was high wind on our lake we could walk to the much smaller one and have our water time. But now, murky water makes me nervous.

The one in the picture is the one I went to lol! I think it was just jumping in that was the problem, wading isn’t a problem for me because it’s shallow toward the beach obviously so there’s no big fish chilling ready to be stepped on!

I couldn't tell if my lab lady was new or a psychopath. She couldn't use the arm I always use. Then it took her forever to draw my blood. I needed 4 virals and she was like only filling them halfway. She had the needle at an angle so blood was pooling at the needle site. Then she said something about making sure there was enough blood in the virals. So she went back and filled them some more again. And I swear she was like showing them to me as she was putting them down and she was shaking them which I've never seen. Finally she put a bandaid on but not any gauze. She said "ok you're done" and gave this weird little laugh. And then I got the hell out of there because I was creeped the **** out. I almost wanted to complain but my mom is telling me not to. But like I don't know if she was new or if she had low blood sugar or if she was just ****ing with me. But it was totally unsettling and I'm already very anxious and on edge today. But North Face is finally making mens XS stuff so I ordered a black and white hoodie this morning since my old one was too big. Retail therapy at its finest I guess.

I just feel really off right now. I put my shorts on so hopefully that helps. I've eaten somethings but normally I'm starving by now for dinner. I didn't have much caffeine. I wasn't in the mood. I did just drink a mini coke zero to avoid a caffeine withdrawel headache since I've had coffee multiple days in a row. But I can feel a migraine starting. Based on my fatigue and irritation I'm guessing my hematricrit very well could be up again. I'm hoping to get my blood results by the morning
I see my doctor on Friday and I plan on asking him if my injections are causing the nodules and based on his answer I'll go from there.

So I had to borrow money for gas. Our finances are out of control but it should only be one more month before we can get things under control. I see t tomorrow not looking forward to it. Then we need to pay down our credit card and start fresh. I'm really done with guests. But they're here for a little while longer. I'm just done.

I really need to get off the zyprexa and lose weight. This year between Haldol (which was NOT weight neutral for me) and zyprexa and being inactive from a broken hip, I gained 50 lbs. (And for some reason spell check randomly changed to spanish???) I don't have many clothes that fit me anymore, just PJs and T-shirts. Tomorrow I'm going to beg my NP for a plan to come completely off Zyprexa and start the Invega shots. Good bye morning meds!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed He's a comedian I think. From years ago. A D list guy. He gets his name because he has a huge red afro. I remember him from some movie that tramatized the crap outta me when I was 7.

Yeah, Carrot Top is a comedian. He's been around for a long time. I liked him, he was good at stand-up. I didn't know he was in a movie. How horrible that it traumatized you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I couldn't tell if my lab lady was new or a psychopath. She couldn't use the arm I always use. Then it took her forever to draw my blood. I needed 4 virals and she was like only filling them halfway. She had the needle at an angle so blood was pooling at the needle site. Then she said something about making sure there was enough blood in the virals. So she went back and filled them some more again. And I swear she was like showing them to me as she was putting them down and she was shaking them which I've never seen. Finally she put a bandaid on but not any gauze. She said "ok you're done" and gave this weird little laugh. And then I got the hell out of there because I was creeped the **** out. I almost wanted to complain but my mom is telling me not to. But like I don't know if she was new or if she had low blood sugar or if she was just ****ing with me. But it was totally unsettling and I'm already very anxious and on edge today. But North Face is finally making mens XS stuff so I ordered a black and white hoodie this morning since my old one was too big. Retail therapy at its finest I guess. I just feel really off right now. I put my shorts on so hopefully that helps. I've eaten somethings but normally I'm starving by now for dinner. I didn't have much caffeine. I wasn't in the mood. I did just drink a mini coke zero to avoid a caffeine withdrawel headache since I've had coffee multiple days in a row. But I can feel a migraine starting. Based on my fatigue and irritation I'm guessing my hematricrit very well could be up again. I'm hoping to get my blood results by the morning I see my doctor on Friday and I plan on asking him if my injections are causing the nodules and based on his answer I'll go from there.

I'm sorry you had a crap blood draw experience! Is the whole nation hiring new phlebotomists or something?!!! I had my blood labs last week, the woman was new, she did not know how to properly take blood. I don't mind having blood taken at all, but the way she did it was not fun - and I was left with a ghastly bruise

The lab usually sends my results to my email within 3 or 4 days. I haven't received anything yet and I'm worried that she messed up my samples or something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom So I had to borrow money for gas. Our finances are out of control but it should only be one more month before we can get things under control. I see t tomorrow not looking forward to it. Then we need to pay down our credit card and start fresh. I'm really done with guests. But they're here for a little while longer. I'm just done.

They're STILL at your house?! I'd be undone altogether.

Haha yeah I literally ran out of the room. It still crosses my mind every now and then and I still don't have a desire to watch anything with him in it. The part was supposed to be really funny too.

We have large rivers here that come from the ocean. The rivers, especially the American River, are just beautiful. The American River is where gold was discovered, which started California as a state. When my kids were children we lived in a neighborhood that bordered the river. All of my life I swam in the American, but now I live 30 miles and a tremendous amount of traffic from it...I miss it very much.

So Mary (therapist) is out for the rest of the month. I figured she would be. When the receptionist told me I honestly felt sick. I do not know what to do. She'll likely be back in June and July...perhaps missing a session here or there...and then get sick again and be out for another month. But she has my history. We are closely bonded. She's well experienced as a T and in life. The thought of going to another therapist, sitting down, looking at the person and just knowing there's no connection, then having to fill the time until I can escape...this is just so, so effed up. Maybe I'll buy some Lavender Honey Yogi Tea and leave that on her porch, too. She loves tea. Leaving gifts on her porch is at least some kind of connection.

Well. Time to turn on some music and mop. I want a steam cleaner like Christina's

~**~***Good vibrations all around, and to each**~**~***

Yeah she didn't even have scrubs on so I'm guessing now, that she was just new and maybe really nervous. I've never seen her and I get blood drawn often times weekly so maybe it was even her first day. Idk. I know my regular lady almost mistook her for a patient.

My results already came, but they werent good. Which is putting me in a crap mood.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Yeah she didn't even have scrubs on so I'm guessing now, that she was just new and maybe really nervous. I've never seen her and I get blood drawn often times weekly so maybe it was even her first day. Idk. I know my regular lady almost mistook her for a patient. My results already came, but they werent good. Which is putting me in a crap mood.

Ugh. I'm sorry, Md

Gaaah, I'm feeling really self-destructive. And angry. Why do I always have such problems with medical providers? I'll be okay, I'm just really angry and I have no one to be angry at except myself.

@*Beth* I'm sorry t's out for the rest of the month. Can you make a "cheat sheet" of your history so when you do feel comfortable with one there's less repeating on your end? I'm making one for my t it's about a page long typed single spaced.
And yep they're still here.

Why are you taking out your anger on yourself. post more here so we can be your sounding board.
vent away!
bizi

Oh gawd guys I had a long reply to all your amazing support and advice and BOOM it vanished

I can’t recreate it right now

I just love all of you

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sister came by today to bring a meal. It was appreciated. We were civil to each other. Since I threatened to call the cops on her and report elderly abuse things have sure changed. I don’t like to meet force with force (I prefer to be diplomatic and kind) but that is what it took. I knew she kept screaming at mom to get out of her car. I did not know she yanked mom’s arm to pull her out. Had I known, I would have reported it. She could have hurt mom who is a frail 87. Mom thanked me for taking up for her. My sister needs some help. I told her as much.

I fully expect her to cause trouble while I am away. There’s nothing I can do about that and I need the vacation badly. My preparation is going slowly but I’m moving along.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all

Uuugh I just got home from CR’s fifth grade chorus concert and oh, it’s hitting me so hard that he’s almost in middle school. The concert was excellent. They sang the song “remember me” from coco and I don’t know if any of you know it but it is a real tear-jerker, let me tell you!

I just think he’s been through soooo much, with me being hospitalized so much since he was two and his father dying, me having a short binge drinking problem…god he’s so happy and well adjusted despite all that crap, I don’t know how it happened! I worry about middle school and him being bullied but I know there’s nothing I can do except be there for him and help where I can.

In other news I talked in group and pretty much came to the same conclusion as I already had. It’s a radical acceptance situation with my brother, that’s all. I have to accept his faults like I have my mother’s. It’s going to be very difficult doing my mom’s move without his help but it is what it is. If he helps, great, but I can’t expect it or rely on him. It’s a shame but oh well. Gotta “keep f’ing going” like my locket says.

Tomorrow I must make a dr appointment for my wrist. The tendons are all swollen and I’m getting tingling in my pinky/ring finger. Some nerve is compressed somewhere. I haven’t fallen, it just happens from time to time and I simply use a brace for a few days and it heals but it’s not healing this time. Best to get a formal treatment plan going. I don’t want permanent damage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom @*Beth* I'm sorry t's out for the rest of the month. Can you make a "cheat sheet" of your history so when you do feel comfortable with one there's less repeating on your end? I'm making one for my t it's about a page long typed single spaced. And yep they're still here.

Yes, I can. I'm just afraid David or my kids will find it, only Mary and you guys know about some stuff that happened to me. When I was a teen I used to keep journals and I wrote in my own code. I just remembered that! Thanks for reminding me!

Sheesh, when are they leaving? You must feel completely exhausted.

I'm using docs on my phone so it's only on my phone. I have to hand t my phone with the document on it. They are leaving in about 3 weeks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi Why are you taking out your anger on yourself. post more here so we can be your sounding board. vent away! bizi

Thank you, bizi. So, so much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom I'm using docs on my phone so it's only on my phone. I have to hand t my phone with the document on it. They are leaving in about 3 weeks.

3 weeks?!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Oh gawd guys I had a long reply to all your amazing support and advice and BOOM it vanished I can’t recreate it right now I just love all of you Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I love you, too, sweetpea

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 Sister came by today to bring a meal. It was appreciated. We were civil to each other. Since I threatened to call the cops on her and report elderly abuse things have sure changed. I don’t like to meet force with force (I prefer to be diplomatic and kind) but that is what it took. I knew she kept screaming at mom to get out of her car. I did not know she yanked mom’s arm to pull her out. Had I known, I would have reported it. She could have hurt mom who is a frail 87. Mom thanked me for taking up for her. My sister needs some help. I told her as much. I fully expect her to cause trouble while I am away. There’s nothing I can do about that and I need the vacation badly. My preparation is going slowly but I’m moving along. I hope everybody has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all

I'm really glad it was a civil visit, but yeah...your sister sounds like she's messed up. Good that you told her. Is she aware of needing help?

You need that vacation 100%.

I think it is reasonable to be angry but not at yourself. More at the therapist situation. It's not necessarily Mary's fault either but it is most definitely not your fault (and being upset with Mary would be completely understandable).

You know the old saying that depression is anger turned inward......