Bipolar check-in #65

*Beth* · May 23, 2022, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Uuugh I just got home from CR’s fifth grade chorus concert and oh, it’s hitting me so hard that he’s almost in middle school. The concert was excellent. They sang the song “remember me” from coco and I don’t know if any of you know it but it is a real tear-jerker, let me tell you!

I just think he’s been through soooo much, with me being hospitalized so much since he was two and his father dying, me having a short binge drinking problem…god he’s so happy and well adjusted despite all that crap, I don’t know how it happened! I worry about middle school and him being bullied but I know there’s nothing I can do except be there for him and help where I can.

In other news I talked in group and pretty much came to the same conclusion as I already had. It’s a radical acceptance situation with my brother, that’s all. I have to accept his faults like I have my mother’s. It’s going to be very difficult doing my mom’s move without his help but it is what it is. If he helps, great, but I can’t expect it or rely on him. It’s a shame but oh well. Gotta “keep f’ing going” like my locket says.

Tomorrow I must make a dr appointment for my wrist. The tendons are all swollen and I’m getting tingling in my pinky/ring finger. Some nerve is compressed somewhere. I haven’t fallen, it just happens from time to time and I simply use a brace for a few days and it heals but it’s not healing this time. Best to get a formal treatment plan going. I don’t want permanent damage.

I'm glad you're getting your wrist checked out. 2 years ago I had to have my achilles tendon operated on because I had ignored the pain until I couldn't drive anymore & had difficulty walking in my apartment. Never, never let persistent pain go unchecked.

Ohhh......I understand your feelings about CR getting close to middle school. He sounds like a solid kid. Sometimes we just plain get blessed.

Your brother is being a di*k.

*Beth* · May 23, 2022, 09:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I think it is reasonable to be angry but not at yourself. More at the therapist situation. It's not necessarily Mary's fault either but it is most definitely not your fault (and being upset with Mary would be completely understandable).

You know the old saying that depression is anger turned inward......

Thank you, Rainbow <------ bouquet of roses for you

*Beth* · May 23, 2022, 09:31 PM

The amazingly sweet receptionist told me that Mary came in to pick up paperwork and that she doesn't look well at all. Now I'm preparing myself for her being gone for part or all of June, too. I know she loves her job and I know she doesn't want to retire, but. But.

I'm just heartbroken. I want to work on this stuff, I don't want to die carrying it all. I lost my amazing therapist of 6 years very suddenly, with no chance to say good-bye, many years ago. It really screwed up my life.

Anyway, I've been listening to music, singing, and cleaning all afternoon. There was a sign at Auschwitz "Arbeit Macht Frei" - "work will free you." Horrifying irony, but I think of it when I'm feeling self-destructive...work does distract me from overflowing emotion. It's productive, and it's a good work-out. Speaking of which, I do wish there was a synagogue in this town, I would like to attend a service. It's been a very long time.

So the stronger adult part of me managed to pick up the phone while all the other little parts of me were screaming and crying and made an appointment with Mary's other colleague. He's a psychologist. I did one session with him to do some diagnostic stuff last year. He was friendly. I don't remember anything else about him. So I'll see him tomorrow. Then I ordered some tea for Mary. It will be delivered to her tomorrow. If she doesn't come back I may just knock on her door. She won't be mean. Fu*k all of this.

Very much love, all around~

Nammu · May 23, 2022, 09:36 PM

Beth I’m just sitting with you, listening 🧘*♀️

Victoria'smom · May 23, 2022, 09:39 PM

Beth I'm glad you have an appointment.

*Beth* · May 23, 2022, 11:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Beth I’m just sitting with you, listening 🧘*♀️

Well, I guess I needed to hear that because I read it and completely fell apart. My God, Nammu.....thank you

*Beth* · May 23, 2022, 11:54 PM

I guess it's national Kick Beth in the Azz day.

My daughter called David this afternoon. Last week she had to have emergency surgery to remove her gallbladder. I have thought she had a bad gallbladder since she was a child, but no doctor would listen. What does a mom know, right?

Thank the Universe, she's okay. She said she was able to walk around the block today, which was a big step in recovery. She said the doctors and medical care are incredibly better in NY than it is here. I believe her. I love the beauty and much of the culture of California, but I have wished sometimes, for many reasons, that my parents hadn't come out here from New York.

So, she had the surgery and we didn't even know. If Noah (my son) knew and didn't tell me, it's really going to hurt. I hope that's not the case.

I just called my daughter and left a message. For the first time since she stopped communicating with me 3 1/2 years ago I did express some confusion, and maybe a touch of anger, in my message. She will be here in June to pack up her possessions and completely move out of she and her husband's house, then they'll finalize their divorce. Then she'll return to NY and continue to pursue her Ph.D.

In my message I asked her to please visit her aunt (my oldest sister) while she's in California. My sister is 77, has had a stroke that has...she's just very different. It would mean the world to her to see her niece.

I'm so tired and I have a headache (as usual). David is here taking a shower (he never did fix his plumbing) and it's not that I didn't want to visit with him, but I just want to go to sleep. Or at least lie in bed in the moonlight. I hope the therapist tomorrow says something to help me talk and doesn't just sit there staring at me. I hate when they do that.

I've always wanted to be a nun, I don't know why I wasn't born Catholic. I absolutely love Sister Julienne in Call the Midwife.

~May the wing of a fairy brush your cheek tonight and grant you a happy wish. Love all around~

Mountaindewed · May 24, 2022, 02:35 AM

I'm sorry Beth I hope things get better for you.

May 24, 2022, 03:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I guess it's national Kick Beth in the Azz day.

My daughter called David this afternoon. Last week she had to have emergency surgery to remove her gallbladder. I have thought she had a bad gallbladder since she was a child, but no doctor would listen. What does a mom know, right?

Thank the Universe, she's okay. She said she was able to walk around the block today, which was a big step in recovery. She said the doctors and medical care are incredibly better in NY than it is here. I believe her. I love the beauty and much of the culture of California, but I have wished sometimes, for many reasons, that my parents hadn't come out here from New York.

So, she had the surgery and we didn't even know. If Noah (my son) knew and didn't tell me, it's really going to hurt. I hope that's not the case.

I just called my daughter and left a message. For the first time since she stopped communicating with me 3 1/2 years ago I did express some confusion, and maybe a touch of anger, in my message. She will be here in June to pack up her possessions and completely move out of she and her husband's house, then they'll finalize their divorce. Then she'll return to NY and continue to pursue her Ph.D.

In my message I asked her to please visit her aunt (my oldest sister) while she's in California. My sister is 77, has had a stroke that has...she's just very different. It would mean the world to her to see her niece.

I'm so tired and I have a headache (as usual). David is here taking a shower (he never did fix his plumbing) and it's not that I didn't want to visit with him, but I just want to go to sleep. Or at least lie in bed in the moonlight. I hope the therapist tomorrow says something to help me talk and doesn't just sit there staring at me. I hate when they do that.

I've always wanted to be a nun, I don't know why I wasn't born Catholic. I absolutely love Sister Julienne in Call the Midwife.

~May the wing of a fairy brush your cheek tonight and grant you a happy wish. Love all around~

I hope everything goes well with your daughter and I wish you a very, good, good, good day!

May 24, 2022, 03:38 AM

I only want to tell that I feel stuck in my overthinking and that I have sat hours with the breakfast table doing nothing.

For NOW I promise to read in the "overthinking book" for 15 minutes. Then I will read a bit about "here and now techniques" and then try to go on with my plans for the day. MUST BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

I will come back later and tell if I made it.

I hope everybody has a very good day!

Mountaindewed · 09:46 AM

I got my blood results a few hours after getting them done and all 3, the red blood count, the hemoglobin, and the hematrocrirt are high again. I knew I felt like **** because they were high again. It was the same sort of symptoms as before. The irritation and fatigue and loss of appetite and headaches and hot and cold flashes. Anyways I got enough sleep last night but I woke up once at 12 because my throat was hurting and then I woke up for good around 2, it wasn't hurting its just I can feel the bump every time I swallow which is annoying. Anyways I see my trans doctor who will deal with the blood results on Friday and then I have the ENT consultation on Saturday and I'm not sure what to expect from either appointment. Right now I just want a really big iced coffee.

I got my iced coffee but I'm still in bed and lethargic and blurry eyed but I'm sitting up now at least. My overall anxiety and depression seem ok today, mainly I'm just tired as **** so I can't feel much else. My doctors say I'm going to feel poorly when the levels are high though. Hopefully they have answers on what to do.

MuddyBoots · 11:37 AM

I had my NP appointment just now. She'll lower the Zyprexa to 15mg for a week then to 10 for a week then she wants to see me again. I'm also to be getting a phone call to set up the Invega injection appointment. I wanted a plan to completely stop the Zyprexa but since she's seeing me again in two weeks I'm okay with that. My valproic acid levels were at the low end of normal but still in the therapeutic range which is good. She didn't take any of my new insurance information even though I told her I switched which is making me anxious because how can the insurance be billed if the clinic doesn't have their info? Oh well, I'm going down in person for my injection at some point soon anyways and I'll just ask about it then.

Edit: My first injection is tomorrow!

May 24, 2022, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2

I only want to tell that I feel stuck in my overthinking and that I have sat hours with the breakfast table doing nothing.

For NOW I promise to read in the "overthinking book" for 15 minutes. Then I will read a bit about "here and now techniques" and then try to go on with my plans for the day. MUST BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

I will come back later and tell if I made it.

I hope everybody has a very good day!

It helped to make a promise!

Halfway in my 15 minutes reading I understood that it would be helpful if I read through an old letter I wrote, but never sent. I read it and felt relieved. Then I immediately continued the reading in the book and read through my "be in the here and now-techniques". After that I did everything on my to do list included a trip outside.

For now I will take a break and eat a French piece of bread and some blueberries (everything have started to cost so much, so food habits have to change to keep the budget - but for now I will enjoy my blueberries and forget about the price).

After the break I will continue with my to do list and end it by making dinner (fish tody) before I allow myself to do whatever I want to do. It is raining outside, so it will probably be to wach Netflix.

Good wishes to all!

Sunflower123 · May 24, 2022, 12:41 PM

I’m taking mom to see Downton Abby tonight at the movies. I’m not into it but she is so I’m glad to take her. I have a $15 credit on my account and a free large popcorn and large drink for my birthday. We should get out for about $4. Sweet! We’re stopping by Costco first to pick up some beach chairs. Sister has the beach chairs and umbrella that we pass back and forth. Can’t really ask for them at this time.

Still going down my preparation list. I completed my budget and while I can go to Florida (because we plan to eat simple meals at the condo and just enjoy the beach), the next two months will be tight. I’ve had that crown to pay for, the stress test copay and my tongue surgery to finance. I’ll be pinching my pennies hard until August. Even after that if I hope to move out anytime soon.

I’m having a good day. I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

Nammu · May 24, 2022, 12:48 PM

Beth I hope your appointment today goes well and it’s a better day than yesterday. Has to be, right!

Gogo 2 congratulations.

I’m down to 12.5 of the ambien and hardly sleeping. The last 4 days. I’m getting more and more exhausted and dragging. Went to bed at 11pm and slept until 2am then it was toss and turn. Hot, so hot but it was me. I got up and used the AD my pdoc gave me for that but it didn’t do anything. Nothing. I could have taken an M&M for the same result. My eyes itch so bad and my back feels wrecked. I feel so draggy that I didn’t get out of bed until noon. My “feeling” is that I just want to be left alone all day and do nothing. But mum’s almost out of her arthritis meds so I need to go pick those up and I need to go vote! We have a special election and the only two who did any advertising were far right bigotry people. I gotta get my vote in for a stable person.

Nammu · May 24, 2022, 12:52 PM

Jennifer, the movie time sounds wonderful, and inexpensive! What a treat! Enjoy it. 😊

Money is tight for everyone.

*Beth* · May 24, 2022, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I'm sorry Beth I hope things get better for you.

Thank you, hun

I'm concerned to hear about your high levels. No surprise it is making you feel less than great.

*Beth* · May 24, 2022, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I had my NP appointment just now. She'll lower the Zyprexa to 15mg for a week then to 10 for a week then she wants to see me again. I'm also to be getting a phone call to set up the Invega injection appointment. I wanted a plan to completely stop the Zyprexa but since she's seeing me again in two weeks I'm okay with that. My valproic acid levels were at the low end of normal but still in the therapeutic range which is good. She didn't take any of my new insurance information even though I told her I switched which is making me anxious because how can the insurance be billed if the clinic doesn't have their info? Oh well, I'm going down in person for my injection at some point soon anyways and I'll just ask about it then.

Edit: My first injection is tomorrow!

It sounds like a beneficial plan. I hope the injection goes really well

*Beth* · May 24, 2022, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Beth I hope your appointment today goes well and it’s a better day than yesterday. Has to be, right!

Gogo 2 congratulations.

I’m down to 12.5 of the ambien and hardly sleeping. The last 4 days. I’m getting more and more exhausted and dragging. Went to bed at 11pm and slept until 2am then it was toss and turn. Hot, so hot but it was me. I got up and used the AD my pdoc gave me for that but it didn’t do anything. Nothing. I could have taken an M&M for the same result. My eyes itch so bad and my back feels wrecked. I feel so draggy that I didn’t get out of bed until noon. My “feeling” is that I just want to be left alone all day and do nothing. But mum’s almost out of her arthritis meds so I need to go pick those up and I need to go vote! We have a special election and the only two who did any advertising were far right bigotry people. I gotta get my vote in for a stable person.

Good for you for voting!

I wish the sleep situation was as straightforward. I can certainly understand why you feel like just doing nothing all day. My pharmacy is rare, a family-owned operation, and they deliver meds at no cost. I have heard that some of the larger pharmacies deliver now. You probably already know this, but have you checked into delivery from the pharmacy?

Nammu · May 24, 2022, 03:37 PM

Mum arthritis meds are over the counter. But yeah the pharmacies do deliver but it costs more. In the winter during bad weather we sometimes get delivery. My drug store does deliver too but is a 2-3 day wait not hours. So mostly I just go and pick them up.Fortunately they know me and I can use the drive though despite not being able to hear. Especially now I need to save money every dollar counts with inflation.

Mountaindewed · May 24, 2022, 04:47 PM

Jeeze. 14 kids.

~Christina · May 24, 2022, 05:00 PM

I’m not very word~y today but you are all in my thoughts

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Mountaindewed · May 24, 2022, 05:35 PM

I was feeling crappy until about 3. I was unable to get out of bed all day except to get water from the garage and to use the bathroom. I then got very tired and layed down for a bit and every time I tried to sit up my mind went "not today satan" I had my mom bring me in a cold caffeine free Coke and the sugar was enough to motivate me to get up and neaten up my room and and then I decided to take a shower in case the morning is the same as today. I have zoom therapy and last week I went in there "at a 10" according to her to the point she wanted me to do deep breathing excercises. So I hope I'm not a lethargic mess the way I was today because that would be quite a drastic difference from last week. I said all that because the shower is out of the way so I can laze around a bit in the morning and mentally and physically prepare. I don't know how she'll react to anything. I don't ever seek out sympathy or want her to be concerned about me. Basically I always just want reassurance from her.

Nammu · May 24, 2022, 05:38 PM

Boy I thought for a while I wasn’t going to be able to vote! I went at 4pm because the school where I vote would be out then. I picked the right time, no line. But the computer would not acknowledge me. There were three judges standing around the computer trying different things. Finally they called the boss and he said to re-register me. That worked. But I admit I was thinking the computer knows I’m a democrat and they want the far right to win.

paranoid much? I was also thinking that they thought I was gonna vote for the marijuania party! Cause I dress like a hippie. Yes we have two parties who sole goal is to legalize weed.

*Beth* · May 24, 2022, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Boy I thought for a while I wasn’t going to be able to vote! I went at 4pm because the school where I vote would be out then. I picked the right time, no line. But the computer would not acknowledge me. There were three judges standing around the computer trying different things. Finally they called the boss and he said to re-register me. That worked. But I admit I was thinking the computer knows I’m a democrat and they want the far right to win. paranoid much? I was also thinking that they thought I was gonna vote for the marijuania party! Cause I dress like a hippie. Yes we have two parties who sole goal is to legalize weed.

Sometimes voting is just crazy. I'm glad you finally got it worked out! The "paranoia" is totally understandable & says more about the state of our nation than it does about you.

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Bipolar check-in #65

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