Bipolar check-in # 66

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in my prayers.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Going to get my nose pierced on Friday, super excited! Have kept up with the working out and eating healthy, going to continue it Right now I'm just listening to some music. I have an in-person appointment with my therapist on Thursday. First in-person appointment with her in over a year, we've been doing video appointments due to covid but she needs me to sign some paperwork so I need to come into the clinic that day so I can sign them during our appointment. Picked up my meds at CVS. Bought some cat litter. Was nice to get out a bit Practiced ukulele for 30 minutes earlier today Hope everyone is doing okay and to everyone who isn't

Oh, yay for getting your nose pierced! I had mine done for my 38th birthday. Since then I've had it double-pierced a few times, but every time it stays infected so I have to let the second hole close up. But I love my piercing.

When you can wear regular nostril jewelry there's a woman on Etsy, Sarah, who makes beautiful hoops. She's been in business for many years, ships really fast, very professional. You can order any color(s) of beads and metal you want to from her. Her shop is The Beaded Lily. I tend to do "themes" with bead colors...for example, I asked her for champagne colors and she made a gold hoop for me with 5 different champagne-toned beads. It's absolutely dazzling! But she never makes cheap or gaudy looking jewelry.

Thanks for the recommendation! I'll look into her Etsy

I have a friend who had bottom surgery - M to F - 15 to 20 years ago and doesn't regret a thing but I'm with N1 and Mountaindewed and you: if it ain't broke don't fix it. Meaning why take the chance of loss of sensation when what you have works well? I know my friend would say that she needed the bottom surgery to feel complete.

Jeeze that home visit made me feel super uncomfortable. I am a mess anyways because I get like this when my hematrcrtit is off. But she seemed like a closet homophobe even though she didn't dead name me or anything. She just did all these invasive tests they don't even do at the doctors like look at my feet and my bottom teeth. Has anyone else ever done one of these home insurance visits? I failed one of the mental exams that had something to do with an analog clock. I was just super tired and short of breath and out of it the whole time. On the way out she said "god bless you I'll be thinking of you guys!" Which sounded like straight up jesus freak talk. Like we needed to repend for our sins or something. No joke thats what her tone sounded like. I don't know. I just got really uncomfortable vibes from her. But at least its over and hopefully tommorow will be easy enough and I'll feel better at least until the level shoots up again. I hope I can make my in person therapy session in the afternoon.

That's similar to my trans friend- she's 57 by the way. I don't know that she has troubles with sensation but she's asexual too and so it doesn't really matter- if that makes sense. Let me take that back: It does matter that she hasn't lost sensation in terms of being by herself.
She also identifies as a lesbian which means that she went from being attracted to women before her transition to still being attracted to women. Part of that is that she does not like men- at least the idea of sex with a man or AS a man, before she transitioned. And N 1 dates men now whereas before transition "he" had a girlfriend.

I think you’ve had a lot of stress situations happening so it’s hard to gauge what situation and what bipolar.

The pants sound so cool 😎

Have a good appointment

Be mindful of being sped up and not sleeping. This is how mania sneaks up on you- meaning you and me and all of us bipolars.

Bell bottoms and platform shoes! Hello 1977!

Have a good appointment with Dr B if you haven't already.

I agree that a simple email at this point is more than overdue.

I'm actually demisexual. But its in the same family as asexuailty so most just assume its assexual. But I'm only attracted to people I form a deep connection with but I have no desire to have sex or be in a relationship with these people. Mainly I just get little crushes on people and 99.9% of the time its cis women. I haven't had a legit crush on anyone since my transference T in 2021.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Thanks for the recommendation! I'll look into her Etsy

Keep in mind that some of the jewelry she shows in her shop doesn't really give a good idea of what she can really do with a custom request.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 .... Bell bottoms and platform shoes! Hello 1977! ....

Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Fer sure!

So we're at Miguel house. He's too afraid to sleep, shower or go into his bedroom. He's off his meds. I don't know how to convince him to call his Dr. He won't leave the house either. He's fine as long as as his back to the wall. That's not fine and I don't know how to help but I know that feeling.

My ENTs nurse sent me a message and said I'd be totally awake and it would be like a topical thing and no antheseia will be involved. I'm still going to put it off while I can. The jeans fit horribly. I needed 1.5 sizes smaller. I was able to do an online exchange with a bit of a hassle but I hope it works out. I was really looking forward to wearing them and now I'll have to wait even longer. The shirts fit but I haven't gone down or up a shirt size since 2017. My endocronolgist never got back to me so I don't know if he just doesn't care that the level is high since I am choosing to stay on it anyways or if hes just super busy or took the day off. I don't think theres much he can or that I want him to do anyways. I just hope by Thursday I feel better. Last time I practically jumped out of bed the morning after because I felt so much.

I'm making cellentani pasta. Barilla brand. I'm going to have cheese with it. I also got some Ice cream- tiramisu. Tonight is not a diet night!

Edited to add:. Now that I've eaten the pasta, I'm too full to eat ice cream. Oh well.

ETA again: I'm eating the ice cream!

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom So we're at Miguel house. He's too afraid to sleep, shower or go into his bedroom. He's off his meds. I don't know how to convince him to call his Dr. He won't leave the house either. He's fine as long as as his back to the wall. That's not fine and I don't know how to help but I know that feeling.

I'm so sorry.

I'm unstrung. I am FU*KED. What is wrong with me, have I offended some great universal power? I HAVE to pull myself together and get the professional help I need. As if. As if. In this town, with no "real" insurance. Most of this town is focused on Mexican farm workers - which they deserve. The farm workers do work I'd die doing. It's just that most of the clinics are Spanish speaking and are immersed in that culture.

So I had an outstanding session with Dr. B. Toward the end of spilling my guts and being so honest, truthful, stupid me!!!!! I told him I'd really like to work with him and he said...

HE IS LEAVING AT THE END OF JUNE.

I felt my entire body flush red. He wants to see me for the next 4 weeks...if Mary isn't back...umm...hmm...dah, dah, dah. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do, who I'll be seeing, I'm just smashed.

Dr. B. told me that the clinic admins or whoever runs the place have no sense at all of what the behavioral health department needs, etc. This is what I've heard from the dear receptionist I so trust. She's also considering leaving because since they moved it seems all they care about is $$$$$, not patient care.

So what do I do? I guess I start online and see what I find.

No daisies for me

Beth, what about the place you go for meds? Didn't you say they do therapy there too? I could be remembering that wrong.



I'm so sorry that things just aren't easy for you lately. And I know you need sleep which makes it all worse.

Can Dr B refer you somewhere or your pdoc?

Dang it! You thought you'd found a new person and he's leaving in a month!? That just blows! I'm sorry, Beth. I hope you find a new person/place without TOO much trouble.

Oh, Beth! Here’s a whole bunch of daisies for you, 🌻 🌻 🌻

Well, not only did I have pasta with cheese but I DID eat the ice cream- ALL of it! I don't even want to think about how many calories that meal was. Good thing I only had eggs the rest of the day. One crazy food day won't hurt anything, right?

My OB/GYN messaged me yesterday on the portal. She said she will book the OR as soon as I tell her what dates I'm not available in June and July. I wrote her back that I need to know if I'll need someone to drive me home or not. If I do, then I'll have to give her my mom's availability as I'm pretty free as far as I know this summer.

I had an embarrassing time today. I don't show my family paranoia or any psychotic-ish symptoms if I can possibly avoid it and I don't think anyone thinks much of those parts of my illness. But today it all came out.

My mom had a plumber at the house doing some work. It was 90 degrees out and we have a dog that can't be around anyone but us so he was in the dog yard where he was continuing to run around and bark despite the heat.

My mom and I had been listening to a podcast and sitting on the couch. She got up and said soemthing about the plumber just needing to turn the water back on. I was playing a game on my phone and didn't think much of it. Except 20 minutes later she still hadn't re-appeared and when I tried to wash my hands the water was still off even though I knew I'd heard the plumber drive off. So I started looking everywhere for her. I couldn't find her anywhere. By now I was getting really scared and convinced the plumber had kidnapped her. I didn't know what to do so I called my sister who tried to calm me down, suggesting places she might be but she wasn't in any of them. I triedi the plumber's boss to see if he had checked in but the boss didn't pick up (thank God). I kept looking and looking and then the plumber reappeared. I asked if he knew where she was; he didn't. I copied his license plate # just in case although by then I was really confused. My sister told me to try calling my aunt before I called the police but I walked out toward the dog yard one more time before I did and that's where my mom was. All that time she had been with the dog. Somehow when I'd looked back there she'd been in different areas than I was looking and she hadn't heard me calling for her.

So now it's all funny (except I am so embarrassed) and everything was fine.


I hate this stupid illness that twists reality and leads to so much misunderstanding and embarrassment over things that seemed perfectly logical at the time.

My therapist appointment was cancelled this week because of the holiday but I have my pdoc Thursday. So I'll get some help (I've also had tactile hallucinations of bugs on my skin the last few days) soon. I hope she doesn't make me up my clozaril dose as that makes me so sleepy although it does take away the bad stuff. Ugh.

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow Beth, what about the place you go for meds? Didn't you say they do therapy there too? I could be remembering that wrong. I'm so sorry that things just aren't easy for you lately. And I know you need sleep which makes it all worse. Can Dr B refer you somewhere or your pdoc?

Thank you for the flowers, Rainbow


Yes, there are therapists where I get meds. The 2 who are around my age are both women. Working with a man is so much easier for me. But, who knows...that clinic might be where I find a T.

I'm wondering about referrals, too. I guess Dr. B., from his general tone, thinks I'll continue to see Mary. He said he's "just crazy about" her (everyone there is), and that she cares a lot about me...it's just that her health is "fragile." He said I'm an example of a client who the clinic admin should listen to, but they just don't hire enough clinicians, he said.

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Originally Posted by Nammu Oh, Beth! Here’s a whole bunch of daisies for you, 🌻 🌻 🌻

Thank you, dear Nammu.

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow ...... I hate this stupid illness that twists reality and leads to so much misunderstanding and embarrassment over things that seemed perfectly logical at the time. My therapist appointment was cancelled this week because of the holiday but I have my pdoc Thursday. So I'll get some help (I've also had tactile hallucinations of bugs on my skin the last few days) soon. I hope she doesn't make me up my clozaril dose as that makes me so sleepy although it does take away the bad stuff. Ugh.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have this crappy illness.

The same to you.

PS I prefer male therapists too. I've had 2 therapists who have been very, very good (one for most of 4 yeras, the other for 16 years) and both were the same age. So if someone asks what I want in a therapist I want a male 19 years older than me. That shouldn't be a problem when current therapist retires and I'm 50something....