Bipolar check-in # 66

Jennifer, I love the Pinterest affirmations. What a great idea!

I don't feel well today. To many negative thoughts and too much self-blame! I will push myself to make dinner and take it easy afterwards.

I think that life never gets totally at track and that is OK! We do our best and nobody can ask us to do more than we are able to. I read some place that we have to paddle our canoe down the river, sometimes in smooth water, other times in rapid waterfalls. OK, sometimes these rapid waterfalls comes so unexpected and so sudden that even if we are good at paddling our canoes, we make maneuver mistake, and there we are wet in the water. But, and that is important, the way I see it: Swim for life and let the wet cloths dry while we think out a way to move forward. A setback here and there is not a catastrophe. They belongs to live. So is life ...

Well I will go and make that dinner now, eat and relax. After that I will read all the advice I have gathered for me only. Then I will do relaxation exercises, write some reminder for how to handle tomorrow. After that, possible bedtime.

Tomorrow I am going to start afresh on a complete new day in my life.

Best wishes to all!

PS. I think I need fewer inputs, so I will stay out of here for a while. I need to shield myself from impressions for the time being. (By the way, I have ordered my vacation - need to plan and do some things before I go).

Good health and strength to everybody!

I'm so glad that you can loosen the grip of strong perfectionism. That will do you good in the long run.

I send my very best wishes for the days left for the funeral and hope that you will welcome the grieving process for the loss of your brother. (Grieving is not only to feel sad. It can have room for irritation, anger and more as well). It takes time ...

It is such a scam really. They do charge so much for every little thing. It’s ridiculous. Brother’s is $14,000 and we weren’t luxurious. Highway robbery.

Thank you for your kind words.

I got my nose piercing done today, I love it!! I have a tiny crystal stud in it, it's cute

I'm doing ok today. A bit down I guess. Just kinda lightheaded and tired. I noticed I am starting to grow hair on my chest so I shot a message to my endocronologist saying my mental health was stable but my physical appearance was changing a bit rapidly and was that normal. I know my levels are a bit high and I just want to make sure I am ok where I'm at. I took my mom out to breakfast to a sort of expensive breakfast place but with the quality and portion sizes it was worth it. I got an Oreo smoothie and smores french toast. The portions were huge. I drank the smoothie and ate one piece of the french toast. My appetite is still really low. We stopped at Starbucks and I got a lemonade and I couldn't even drink it. We made some of our normal homestate stops then went back to the hotel and collected my brother and headed out to a couple more stores and now we're on our way home. My Mountain Dew is out for delivery but didn't get to my uncles in time for us to get it. So my mom will get it when she is back in July. Its not a big deal, at least I was able to order it and get it sent somewhere and I didn't want to see my uncles girlfriends daughter anyways. So another month isn't an issue. I just hope the others in the house keep their paws off the package.

The person, Kathy, who has been communicating with me via the portal wrote back and said I need to schedule a pre-op appointment and gave me the number. I call them and they say that they can't do that without a surgery date! So I wrote Kathy back telling her this and she said that she'd tell my doctor. WTH? You'd think this would be standard procedure and not some confusing back and forth that I'm stuck in the middle of! I already gave my Dr my available days so what's the problem? The right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing and vice versa. I just want this whole thing over with already!

If I didn’t know it was grief, I’d think I was rapid cycling so badly that I’d be headed to the hospital. Early morning seems to be the best time for me. We took brother’s suit to the funeral home and saw the final layout for the service. It hit me hard. Maybe I’m in denial or acceptance until I’m faced with the facts. I’m feeling very anxious and sad right now. I know it will pass. It just helps me to type it out. Thanks for listening.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 I don't feel well today. To many negative thoughts and too much self-blame! I will push myself to make dinner and take it easy afterwards. I think that life never gets totally at track and that is OK! We do our best and nobody can ask us to do more than we are able to. I read some place that we have to paddle our canoe down the river, sometimes in smooth water, other times in rapid waterfalls. OK, sometimes these rapid waterfalls comes so unexpected and so sudden that even if we are good at paddling our canoes, we make maneuver mistake, and there we are wet in the water. But, and that is important, the way I see it: Swim for life and let the wet cloths dry while we think out a way to move forward. A setback here and there is not a catastrophe. They belongs to live. So is life ... Well I will go and make that dinner now, eat and relax. After that I will read all the advice I have gathered for me only. Then I will do relaxation exercises, write some reminder for how to handle tomorrow. After that, possible bedtime. Tomorrow I am going to start afresh on a complete new day in my life. Best wishes to all!

You have a wonderful, naturally optimistic attitude

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 If I didn’t know it was grief, I’d think I was rapid cycling so badly that I’d be headed to the hospital. Early morning seems to be the best time for me. We took brother’s suit to the funeral home and saw the final layout for the service. It hit me hard. Maybe I’m in denial or acceptance until I’m faced with the facts. I’m feeling very anxious and sad right now. I know it will pass. It just helps me to type it out. Thanks for listening.

You betcha.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 The person, Kathy, who has been communicating with me via the portal wrote back and said I need to schedule a pre-op appointment and gave me the number. I call them and they say that they can't do that without a surgery date! So I wrote Kathy back telling her this and she said that she'd tell my doctor. WTH? You'd think this would be standard procedure and not some confusing back and forth that I'm stuck in the middle of! I already gave my Dr my available days so what's the problem? The right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing and vice versa. I just want this whole thing over with already!

Ugggh. I am beyond fed up with medical staff incompetency! "The right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing and vice versa." - EXACTLY!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I got my nose piercing done today, I love it!! I have a tiny crystal stud in it, it's cute

Yaaay! The stud sounds so pretty. The stud I had to wear at first was an ugly little silver ball that actually looked dull grey.

Were you sitting up or lying down? How did it feel?

I was sitting up when I got it done I'm really happy with it

It was quick and easy, barely felt a pinch

I'm thinking of getting my septum done next, maybe around January

Today was, a day. My Mountain Dew finally shipped last night. Then it was out for delivery early this morning. It was going to my uncles house who lives in my homestate. But it came after we got home. So now I'll have to wait until July to get it. I mean I waited 10 years for this flavor to return another month isn't a big deal. Anyways, I got my normal homestate stores shopping done. Then I came home. I got a refill on my valium picked up just as I had taken the last one. So that worked out well. Then I guess we missed a call from the hospital trying to set up my biopsy. But we left a message and they got back to us. My insurance is sending me to another hospital. My sister had a surgery there and had a good expirence. The biopsy does sound painful. They will numb the area and the needle will be very thin and it will be like a bee sting and the needle part will be about 5 minutes and they will watch me closely. At this point I'm just trying to accept it. Last Saturday the doctor said it wasn't urgent and I could take my time getting it done. So I had planned on putting it off. But I guess they want it done next Friday. I'm trying not to read anything into it. I'm trying just to go with things. I messaged my endocronoglist and he got back a couple hours ago and said my testereone levels are fine where they are at and my physical progression is fine. So thats a relief. My trip was nice, but my problems were just waiting for me when I got back. And this nausea still sucks.

Well they finally got back to me. The surgery scheduler called me! I'm set for July 11th- not sure on the time though. Apparently 1 to 2 weeks beforehand I will get a call with pre-op directions. I don't need a pre-op appointment like they'd said. I have an appointment for a covid test 3 days before my procedure. Gotta find where to do that BUT I don't have to go to the hospital for my surgery! Ok get to have it in the building next door to my drs' offices- it's actually attached! So I know how to get there and there's usually parking right in front of the surgery center.

In other news, I feel like I've gained 50 pounds even though those same 50 pounds have been around a long time. I just don't feel comfortable in my skin. This is on the heels of eating pasta for dinner. Of course. Maybe it's just the carb overload talking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed That or gallstones is what keeps being suggested but in ultrasounds everything always looks fine. But this happens every couple months and then the pain and nausea passes for a bit but then comes back. I see a gastro doctor in July.

That happened to my daughter for many years. She'd have the symptoms, they'd do a scan, everything would "look fine." Problem is, apparently sometimes certain subtleties don't show up on scans. Finally, she got a doctor who knew what he was doing and she had her gallbladder removed a month ago.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed ...I just hope the others in the house keep their paws off the package.

~~~~ ~~~~

If the ultrasound is clear they can do a radiology scan (HIDA scan) that tests whether your gallbladder is working properly. It can be failing without stones and you still feel sick. I had one in 1998 that showed my gallbladder was functioning but not great and it would probably die eventually. I wound up not having problems again until 2018 when I had it removed because of gallstones. I didn't have a 2nd HIDA scan so no idea how it was functionging before it came out but judging from how sick I was not well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I was sitting up when I got it done I'm really happy with it It was quick and easy, barely felt a pinch I'm thinking of getting my septum done next, maybe around January

Oooh, yeah! That sounds really nice. I so wish my double nostril piercing would have worked out, but having a constant infection is no good. At least I have the single piercing.

My roller skates came this morning! They are beautiful Mint green (well, most of you saw the pic). I have a tattoo on the right side of my lower leg; it's a poppy. The tattoo is large and vividly colored, the artist did a beautiful job with it. Turns out the skates match my tattoo perfectly. I hadn't even thought about that when I ordered mint green.

SO I have been skating around the apartment for hours! It's been 22 years since I last skated. I'm really taking my time and will definitely be sure I'm very comfortable being back on wheels before I attempt skating outside. I did forget about water; there was some spilled on the floor. I slipped on it and landed flat on my butt. It didn't feel fab, but definitely no big deal. David was here and it really scared him. Amusing to me, because he's always been into athletics

The skating is so exciting to me! I feel like I own my body and spirit when I skate.
***
Now, on to the perturbation of my day. I was scrolling Facebook while eating my lunch and there it was: a big photograph of MARY, my therapist! I saw the name of the clinic above her pic and I thought, "Oh, my God...she's died and they've put up a memorial page for her."

Nope. She's actually quite alive. I wish I could post the picture/text here, but it's probably be against the forum rules. The clinic director had written this whole deal about "recognizing one of our finest clinicians, Mary..." Gave a sweet bio on her. THEN it stated her areas of therapy specialties and invited patients/potential patients to CALL FOR A FREAKING APPOINTMENT WITH MARY!!!
I was STUNNED.
I commented on the post that perhaps instead of calling for appointments (since Mary is currently on leave with no return date) we should send good energy and prayers her way.

I was like, was the director high when she posted that thing? What on earth was she thinking? People will call and say they want an appointment with Mary..."Oh, well, we're not sure when she'll be back, she's been out for six weeks so far..." Or is it bait and switch: I'm sorry, Mary is on leave. But we do have a new therapist; would you like to schedule with her? Because the new one is the only available therapist there right now, with Mary gone and Dr. B. leaving on June 30th.

But if they want people to schedule with the new (womanchild) therapist, why not stick her photo up there, instead of Mary's?

Honestly, I did not know whether to laugh or cry. I do know that I am really pissed off about it.

*sigh*

**breathe**

It is a gloriously lovely night tonight and I am going to take a shower. Much love to each
...Nammu, how are you?

Good for you for posting that on their site. Really, I would want to post the same.

Enjoy those skates! Sounds so fun. I liked skating in the past, but haven't done so since my 30s. My last were those inline types that were the hottest thing back then. I even took an adult school class to try to learn how to break. Sadly, I kind of struggled with them even afterwards. I did better on the old-fashioned types, like you have. Will you do the Hokey Pokey? I remember that being a regular song at the old rolling rinks. I also remember in Central Park seeing super talented inline skaters doing all kinds of dance moves on them. I was jealous.

I’m so tickled about your skates! I know you are as well. I hope you thoroughly enjoy them.

It’s early morning and I have the door open enjoying the birds, some cool refreshing air and some energizing tangerine tea. My daughter will be here by 1:00 and today will be a bright, sunny day. The cleaner will be here by 8:00. For some reason, mom wants folks to come to the house after the service Sunday thus the cleaner. Not my first, second or third choice but okay. I’m heading down to the pool in about 3 hours. I’ve got to do a few last things for Sunday.

Mom, sister and I have decided to board the dog Monday and head for Florida Tuesday morning. We have a 3 bedroom condo timeshare next week that can’t be rented at this late date so we thought why not? Maybe a change of scenery would be great especially for mom. That’s our plan for now. My niece may go as well. That would be lovely. I’m 50-50 about this plan. It sounds great in theory but will I have the “energy” to do it? I guess even if we just sat on the balcony and looked at the ocean it would be soothing.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Hugs to all!

It's a little after 6:30 and I've been up since 6. Today is the garage sale. N 3 wants to meet at the donut shop about 40 minutes before the garage sale starts. I hope there is enough parking as it's a tiny lot. I can park in my mom's driveway but N 3 will have to find a spot on the street.

@*Beth* Your skating sounds fun! Even if you landed on your butt, so what? My dad had a picture in a frame of me and my sister roller skating in our strap on skates with the key to tighten them after you'd adjusted it. In the picture, we are holding umbrellas above/behind us because it was such a windy day!