After 16 years I can't accept I need meds for life.

Have you given a sincere, genuine apology? Those can go far.

He says he doesn't want an apology or me to feel bad. This is who I am and he doesn't want to be controlling by giving me my meds to take and making me eat. So he's going to back off and let my team handle it. He's just done. I laid out all his problems and told him to take care of himself before trying to help me because he is a hypocrite. He's hurt. I tried apologizing but sometimes that's just not enough.

So I'm thinking of taking my thorazine. Kinda just laying in bed with my loud head agitated. Shaking my leg if I'm not thinking about it. I'm trying to prevent my outside signs. As I always do. Bugs crawling on my skin and in my hair. H cooked for us. We have to clean but we don't feel like it. Miguel called and said he isn't doing well. I can't help him. He either has to find a job or move back home. I want to pay for next month but I spent that money so no idea how to help. I went negative in our bank to do/help all the things we did.

Yeah, in my experience there's never only 1 person in a family with MI. And families are "as sick as their secrets." I, too, was taught to shut up or risk being "taken away."

(Replying to your post about MI in your family of origin.)

I'm sorry guys I'm trying to keep everything to one thread. My T will call Wednesday to remind me of my appointment on Thursday. I'm thinking about waiting until Thursday to bring anything up. She's not going to be happy I'm not taking my pills. She wanted me to continue until talking to pdoc. in 3 weeks but I just can't and anyway if I'm manic meds will not help within those three weeks. At the same time I feel she's going to hospitalize me so I don't continue ruining my life. Financially I ****ed us, emotionally I ****ed us. We may not recover this time. I just want an injection that I keep my personality, even the pickily parts but calms the SzA parts. My pdoc isn't going to change my meds but maybe I'll calm down once I withdraw and just keep my abilify shot. I can concentrate on acting normal it's only an hour meeting 1x a week I won't lie but concentrating on acting normal won't concern her as much. I don't want to be dropped. I need therapy. I need to make a plan. I don't know how to fix everything. T says I'm under a lot of stress. I just need to stay out of the hospital durring this withdraw.

I have not met a T who wants to do therapy with me unless I'm on the proper meds. They say it's just too hard to work with someone who gets manic.

Not sleeping is the number one thing that you need to do in order to stay stable on meds or not. What does your husband say?
bizi

My husband will not advise me because of how mean I was to him yesterday. It was bad. He of course wants me to take all my meds even my prns 3x a day but is done and let me lead. The fact that he is talking to me is an improvement. I hurt him a lot. He wants me to talk to my T and work it out with her and pdoc. Honestly he wants me to change pdocs. They are booked out till sept. so I have to keep my appointment with my pdoc. T wanted me to get an earlier appointment or call the med line. But that was when she thought I was restarting my meds that night. but the night came I through a fit and continued it to the next day. and haven't taken anything since Thursday night before that I missed 3-4 days. So I'm about a week into unmedicated besides the shot. I'm suppose to be on Thorazine, Prozac and hydroxyzine (up to 3x a day)(SP?)

@*Beth* so I am (hypo) manic?

I don't want to take them unless not taking them will lead to hospitalization.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom @*Beth* so I am (hypo) manic?

Well, I was referring to my own experience with T's not wanting to work with me unless I was on meds. But yes, you seem to be manic to me, Mm.

I completely understand how you feel about meds making you be not yourself. I battle that all the time. I feel angry about it and I feel damn cheated.

You're not on many meds, actually. I'm wondering if your husband may be correct, that a different pdoc could be more helpful. Have you ever been on a mood stabilizer, like Lamictal?

Beth is right.hAVE YOU EVER been on a mood stabilizer? I've never heard you say you were on a mood stabilizer. And I know that you have trouble with pills but at least 2 have options. Lamictal comes in an ODT and Depakote comes in sprinkles you put on your food.

I was taken off of lamictal because of my history of non compliance. I'm on abilify injection 1x a month, thoizine 100mg, Prozac 40mg, and hydroxyzine. I've been on most mood stabilizers except lithium. But with a clear DX finally it's different than just throwing stuff and see what works. I only have had this DX for about 2 years.

Depakote was the first mood stabilizer I tried. I couldn't keep a consistent level in my system. Expecally after I had some wait gain. Then topamax, and another one. Then I quit and moved to wv. In wv I was on lamictal the whole time. I wasn't on an ap. Then I moved here and I was on zyprexa/Prozac, there was one that I was on 2 ad, a lamictal, antianxiety. No one seems to agree on my DX. Except for now.

I just was reading the title of this post and I realized that it has 2 meanings. One, I can't accept that I need meds all my life. (I know that's what you intended). But it also could mean I can't accept that I need meds to live, as in stay alive. And those are very different things.

For me I now that I need meds to stay alive. I'm blessed that it's been a very long time since I had a struggle with needing them. So it's hard for me to know what to say to help although I feel so bad for your struggles. But I just wanted to share my revelation because I thought it was interesting.

This is a detail that may not even matter but do you know if you were on Depakote ER? I ask because I couldn't get my blood level up to the minimum on regular depakote no matter what they tried but on ER I reached a stable level although for me it was a high level because like most meds I processed it fast so I needed a lot to get me through the day. Fortunately it was once a day dosing.

@BeyondtheRainbow I actually meant the second one. I was on 600er 2x a day. I know I need meds to live. If not I'll end up accidently dying through some elaborate self harm incident that I wouldn't realize will cause my death. Ie home started tummy tuck. ( Real incedent that happened in wv. Thinking I'm plastic and not real. Or I'll seriously hurt someone else. Agitation/mania leads to sh. Depression leads to sh.

Sorry I misunderstood. I wish there was a magic treatment that made all this go away. Maybe someday there will be. I should say takes it away without causing issues. I can't complain about the side effects of clozaril because it saved my life (even my therapist tells me this) but it's not an easy med to tolerate sometimes. So I guess I'm hoping that you get something like clozaril has been for me but with side effects you can handle. Each of us is different in that and our pdocs and therapists probably have a lot of influence. I will say that when you find something that works you stop thinking so much about stopping it which is a good thing. I don't know what I'm trying to say.......maybe you'll get it and maybe you'll roll your eyes

I understood. I took the meds so I sleep 💤. Good night.

They can actually help a lot quicker than 3 weeks.

Just woke up

I am so glad that you slept!!!!
take that again what ever you took. How are you today?
Actions speak louder than works in regard to your hubby.

I'm irritable, ready to jump out of my skin, shaking, stressed. There's no way we can pay to fix my mistake and pay for everyone else, hud comes in two days and I'm in no position to do anything about the house being a wreak, We're going to fail it. There's nothing I can do about it. I want to get rid of all the meds but they aren't in my custody.

I feel like having a short life that is true to who you are maybe better then a long life muted. I'm going to try and take them until I see T. She thinks my meds need to be adjusted anyway. I'm just done with this whole med thing but I have to trust them so that they trust me. If I don't take these they can/will hospitalize me. Especially since I don't sleep without the Thorazine. I don't think my meds will stop this so I'm thankful for that. I'm not psychotic, I don't think, so that's good. H says I'm hyper focused on my meds. He doesn't understand why I'd want to be "sick" again. ***** that girl was skinny, had great times, yes had bad times too, but that's what happens when you fly to close to the sun. He's thinking of the times I'd hid in the closet so no one could hurt me. He's not thinking of the times I had a prom dress on dancing in the rain, laughing at everything. He forget the good times. I feel conditionally loved. But in reality I don't think I've showered this month. my days are running together, I need my hair cut it's so matted, but I'm feeling good, want to SH. Pdoc is going to make me depressed because to them, all of them, that's safer, My T keeps saying she's there if I need to call but she lies she's only there Tuesday - Thursday she works 3-12hr shifts. I don't even know what to say to her. I spent more then double my income this month. We're barely half way through the month. I want to drink but that usually goes bad. So I might smoke. I'm not good I'm all over the place. Want to break my wrist but not going to.

So I've been talking to my husband. He says he doesn't love me conditionally, He loves me when I'm up, down, and stable. He refuses to be a villain in my story and I vilify medication. When he's attributes the medication to extending his life. But dude doesn't take his meds daily. I'm trying to let it go. He said he'll give me my meds when I ask but that's it. Other then that we got along great today.

I so feel for your feelings about medication. I completely understand all of it...the "being muted," being thin and beautiful, dancing in the rain, flying too close to the sun.

But I suspect that I'm here, as long as I can be - thanks to meds - for a very good reason. I strongly believe that you are, too. I learn so much from you, and feel you very much my friend.

Your husband is a rare gem.