Bipolar check-in #67

Oh, blue bird 🐦 I’m sorry. That is a lot of drama. Hopefully it calms down now for a while.

Day 3 and past self is really sorry to present self. May this be a lesson for future self.

My anxiety has been really bad since I woke up this morning. I don't really know why. I went to bed feeling fine. I even took my meds correctly to try to make it better. But I've just had nonstop med resistant anxiety and I've been insanely hungry and tired because I've taken my Geodon in the AM. I woke up at 1AM just worrying about a lot of stuff. My nephews came over with like a 2 hours notice so my mom ran to Costco real fast but I had already been into my TV show that is not apropriate for them to be seeing any. My phone is acting weird and I'm worried I have a virus on it and its stressing me out so I've been watching TV instead. I have a couple packages today so theres that. But yeah I just have really sucky anxiety today. My moods and depression are fine though.

There's so many different things going on with my family dynamic, I don't know where to start!

My car is often included in my dad's rants about the house. I "trash" it just like I "trash" everything else. Car's fine. It's clean. I have no issues with it, performance wise. CDs. His issue is with a small box of CDs I have in the back seat that I use for... well, music. He has taken my refusal to remove that box on his command personally, threatened to disown me over it and/or threatened to call potential employers (the ones I made the mistake of telling him about) to "warn" them of my "trashiness."

My father's moods swing wildly, from Father Christmas levels of generosity to "Everyone, even my own family, is against me." levels of paranoia to legit OCD levels of cleanliness obsession to

To give you an idea of how fast this man's moods shift, my father decided, because of some crackers (seriously), to leave my mom and never come back. He was gone 8 hours before returning without a word.

This is the kind of man who has inserted himself into both me and my mom's affairs. I absolutely want 1 on 1 time with my mother (and I'm sure she does too), but my dad's as much involved (to my chagrin) in my affairs as hers. If I did an end run around him and picked my mom up for an afternoon out, my dad would not be above doing something drastic to try and spite me or her, possibly both of us.

An objectively unstable man with a relative amount of power who no one will bring to account.

@bizi I'm still on the Vraylar. ...for now.

@Soupe du jour thanks for the shout out. Im around. Unfortunately, i dont usually have time nor focus to read many posts, so i apologize im not around more. Tags work though!

Upset today because i sent a good morning text to my mother and she didn't respond. I know she saw it too. It's come to the point where mom is getting tired of her helpless child, i think. I just feel so alone. Trying to turn it around and think of cats that i love. They never disappoint. Precious little creatures. <3

Gotta get clean for this guy. Can't OD on him. How else will he get his treats?
yawningbean.jpeg

Oh, he’s lovely! 🥰

Cute kitty! <3

And i was wrong this time about my mother. Well maybe she is still overwhelmed by me, but she did message back this time.

I feel like I'm just spiraling into anxiety and paranoia and I don't know what the cause of it is. My anxiety was tough all day. I took all my mornings meds as I should. Then of course I was really hungry. But I just wanted the anxiety gone so I didn't care. I turned on Top Model all day. The anxiety just didn't go away though. My mom stopped at Sams Club to do some shopping and she got me a hot dog and a piece of pizza because you know, med hunger. That was at 11 and then I realized I didn't take my stomach med so I took that and my hunger faded. I haven't eaten since and I don't plan to. But my sister decided to bring my nephews over for the afternoon and I guess I should be understanding but they have been screaming and being wild nonstop since noon. I think everyone wants the next one to be a girl. I just seem to be super stressed out about this name and gender change thing and my phone is going slow and I don't know why and its like whenever I think rationally I'm ok about things but overall I just seem to be a mess for no reason. I'm not having any symptoms so I don't think it would be the hematrcrit. But being up half the night at age 29 worrying so much when a doctor has told you your at a higher risk for a heart attack or a stroke isnt very healthy I don't think.

I'm a terrible person. I just screamed so loudly at my dad for playfully punching me in the head. Is he that fking stupid that he can't see I'm not up for games right now?

Almost on cue, I get more crap from him. He called relaying a message from my cousin, a man who may not have the drastic mood swings of my father, but definitely has the man's codependency issues.

My cousin called my dad to let him know I was forgiven (presumably for not wanting to talk to him) and he had some frozen meat to give.

"Cousin forgives you and Cousin provides for you. I don't know why you're so ungrateful."
Number one, plenty of reasons. Number two, that is both Cousin and Father's logic here, with Father purposely ignoring the many, many times I made my displeasure about Cousin known.

There's swallowing your pride and there's debasing yourself. Being cajoled by a spiteful man into (essentially) apologizing to a codependent man for the sin of not calling him in exchange for food seems to fit the latter. No hamburger patty is worth that!

Just checking in, being bold and brave today and facing the big bad world ( or forum) lol. Come at me with your best shot . Hope everyone is having a good day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I'm a terrible person. I just screamed so loudly at my dad for playfully punching me in the head. Is he that fking stupid that he can't see I'm not up for games right now?

In Beth's Rule Book of Life there's no such thing as "playfully" punching someone. I would never have "playfully" punched my kids any more than I would have full-on punched them. The act is, in itself, aggressive and threatening.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 Nobody has the right to know what kind of illnesses you have, mental or not. Please remember that next time. It is a blessing to have life-long friends. Mine are dead. There is one still living, but I don't know were she lives and she has married into another name. Do you know any relaxation exercises you can use instead of using a med in front of challengers? I find relaxation exercises very important in my life. Had to work with them for some months before they sat. May be you can try to make a list of what is normal in your life and repeat and repeat that for yourself until it sits. By the way: It is OK to feel exhausted after being out for a friend chat. Be kind to yourself today!

Thank you, GoGo.

Relaxation exercises are a great idea. Despite all my years of learning them I usually forget them the moment I'm under stress. The exception is breathing. Nice, full, healthy breathing is so important and I almost always remember that.

I had taken the Seroquel the night before my lunch date because I wanted to sleep well. The problem was that I was left with that "drugged" feeling.

You're correct - it is okay to be tired after being out with a friend. I tend to be hard on myself and forget things like what's normal and what is not normal.

I'm sorry your friends are dead now. Losing life-long friends is very harsh. One of mine died last year and I still grieve that loss. She was so dear to me.

If you're terrible so am I. My brother playfully grabbed me once at game night with his wife and a friend or two and I sucker punched him. It was PTSD and while he was mad he no longer touches me without permission. It was entirely his fault. I've had years to think about it (like 20) and I'm sure of that although I wasn't at first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 This morning has been almost "normal" according to how my mornings used to be before Covid. I only used a little over time at the breakfast table. I have done my physical exercises and read my notes (about how to use coping strategies) to live my life as best I can with my disorders. I will soon lay down to do self hypnosis (on coping strategies) before I go out for a little walk. Best wishes to all!

Your dedication to bettering your mental health is admirable and inspiring.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Someone called the cops yesterday and reported that they were my roommate and I wasn't giving them their stuff back. Thing is, I don't have a roommate and have never had one ever. I have my own apartment and am the only one living here. I wasn't even home when it happened, was at my friend's house for his birthday. I live in a supportive housing program due to my schizoaffective disorder/ bipolar, and being on SSI. It really stressed me out and upset me but my care manager said not to worry about it, they know I'm a good tennant and there are a lot of mentally unstable people who live in the building so it could have been that. They said it was a .some number, I forget the code for it, but someone who frequently calls the police for random and false things. So paranoia is one of my big symptoms and that whole situation really set it off yesterday, I was in my apartment shaking and crying. Had to take my prn klonopin to get to calm down and get to sleep. I'm still a little on edge today Last night something else happened, an apartment down the hall had police and police dogs come to their apartment and the tenants boyfriend assaulted the police officer then damaged the property. So yeah, lots of drama and crap always going on here

Oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. How unnerving! I would be shaken up, too, just to be accused of something that is completely irrational. I'm glad it's all over

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed My anxiety has been really bad since I woke up this morning. I don't really know why. I went to bed feeling fine. I even took my meds correctly to try to make it better. But I've just had nonstop med resistant anxiety and I've been insanely hungry and tired because I've taken my Geodon in the AM. I woke up at 1AM just worrying about a lot of stuff. My nephews came over with like a 2 hours notice so my mom ran to Costco real fast but I had already been into my TV show that is not apropriate for them to be seeing any. My phone is acting weird and I'm worried I have a virus on it and its stressing me out so I've been watching TV instead. I have a couple packages today so theres that. But yeah I just have really sucky anxiety today. My moods and depression are fine though.

Ugh, I hate anxiety and worry. I hope it lessened over your day.


Is your sister's baby due in October? I can't remember.

Quote:

Originally Posted by giddykitty Upset today because i sent a good morning text to my mother and she didn't respond. I know she saw it too. It's come to the point where mom is getting tired of her helpless child, i think. I just feel so alone. Trying to turn it around and think of cats that i love. They never disappoint. Precious little creatures. <3

Oh, good - I'm glad your mom did reply to you, after all.

Yes, cats. If I didn't share my life with my cats I'd have very little reason to be here. They are angels on earth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Gotta get clean for this guy. Can't OD on him. How else will he get his treats? Attachment 12669

Absolutely 100% yes!

I went to the bank to straighten out my hacked account, stopped by the grocery store, came home, ate lunch and was so sleepy that all I could do was walk to my bed and lie down. I needed that sleep so much, I was solidly out for 2 1/2 hours! I awoke, did kitty dinner, ate a small dinner myself, and all I can think about is going back to sleep.

That's the story of my exciting day

Love all around

Moose, Moose, wherefore art thou?

Nice to see you check in, @WindsThatBlow. You've been missed. - Soupe

Tonight one of my husband's good friends (from the US) is arriving in Czech Republic to stay for a month. He's renting a small studio flat in the city we live in. That is exciting and I know it will make Hubby happy. I, too, like that friend. He's actually continuing to work for a US company during the work week, but remotely. They'll do things on the weekends.

Hubby invited a female (Czech) friend to join us tonight to have a sausage roast over a fire pit. Unfortunately, I can't really communicate well with her given my poor Czech, and the fact she speaks little English. I think Hubby means well, but tonight I see as awkward since she can only chat well with Hubby. His plan was sort of to "introduce them", but if they can't chat, what does this serve? Yea, they're both attractive and nice, but... She's also coming this morning to help him with move-related stuff in the attic. It's better her than me because his overload of stuff there drives me nuts. And I drive him nuts with my frustration. As for my personal and kitchen stuff up there, there's extremely little.