Bipolar check-in #67

Oh! And they told me to bring my cpap with me for my LEEP procedure Monday. For the life of me, I can't figure out why I need it. Do I not get a breathing tube? Am I being put under twilight sleep? Wearing my CPAP makes me want to go to sleep, naturally.

I slept most of the day today. It signals the worsening of this situation for me. It’s been 2 years since I’ve routinely refused to get out of bed and slept the day away.

I’m drowning in anxiety. It started with my own health anxiety and has moved to anxiety about CR, RS, and finances/employment. I reluctantly went with RS to the convenience store today, leaving CR alone for about 15 minutes but was freaking out the whole time. I convinced myself he would be unconscious by the time we got home. I only went because we both wanted custom sandwiches.

I just feel like the anxiety is out of my control at this point. It’s not acute panic attacks as much, though I’m having those as well. I can sort of handle those. It’s this constant worry about every little thing. If it’s not one thing it’s another. I know once CR is healed up I’ll be on to the next worry. I hate it. I can’t think straight. I’m afraid to leave the house but I will be pushing myself to do that bc I don’t want to become super paranoid again.

I don’t know if medication would help. I’m scheduled to discharge program the week of July 25th so it’s kind of late to make any changes. It’s good that I’m discharging though, I don’t need it anymore, I’m only benefiting from process group. I can process with my own therapist. It’s just a matter of seeing if she has any room in her schedule.

I’m going to get up on time tomorrow. I feel like I’m trapped in the house but also too afraid to leave on my own so I dunno what I’m going to do tomorrow.

I’m watching svengoolie tonight, they are showing a 1957 movie called “the deadly mantis”. It’s about a gigantic prehistoric praying mantis that is traveling down the west coast attacking military bases along the way. I love old horror/sci fi movies. I don’t like current horror or sci fi for some reason but the really silly B-movie stuff is my jam.

My hubby watches that on a regular basis. loves it.I have seen a few of them.
WE watched the whole series of the xfiles have you ever seen them?They are from 30 years ago. I am dating my self.
fun stuff.
bizi
I am sorry you are unwell, and that you suffer with anxiety.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed My phone seems ok now. Its not acting weird. I'm not in my room today I'm in the living room. Maybe my room is messed up. But I don't know. I'm just so stressed and anxious and I'm hungry and I've put on a few pounds these last 2 days and I feel like I'm getting my period even though thats not possible anymore. I don't know if its the appointment on Tuesday I have to change my name, or the consultation with that other therapist on Wednesday. I'm wondering if my blood level is up again since this started all of a sudden after my last shot and the blood level goes up suddenly or if it is really just situational anxiety. I'm not moody though or too tired. I just took some of my meds and I have the TV on and I just wish I knew what would help me feel better.

Well, I can understand about being anxious over both your name change appointment and the therapist consultation. And remember that our bodies don't know the difference between excited and anxious. For example, you may be both excited and anxious about getting your name change done, but your body registers both feelings as anxiety. Hyper-arousal.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I know you saw my post above but here I am! I've just been thinking about N3 and his gf. Plus I went for a walk today. I feel so much better. I should walk every day!

OMG, I am so glad you've tested negative for covid! Don't be around any human being between now and Monday. That's an order

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi My hubby watches that on a regular basis. loves it.I have seen a few of them. WE watched the whole series of the xfiles have you ever seen them?They are from 30 years ago. I am dating my self. fun stuff. bizi I am sorry you are unwell, and that you suffer with anxiety.

David, the kids, and I watched the X-Files when they were young. We all loved it! I've gone back and watch the entire 9 seasons myself and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 Oh! And they told me to bring my cpap with me for my LEEP procedure Monday. For the life of me, I can't figure out why I need it. Do I not get a breathing tube? Am I being put under twilight sleep? Wearing my CPAP makes me want to go to sleep, naturally.

Odd. I'm thinking twilight sleep??

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I slept most of the day today. It signals the worsening of this situation for me. It’s been 2 years since I’ve routinely refused to get out of bed and slept the day away. I’m drowning in anxiety. It started with my own health anxiety and has moved to anxiety about CR, RS, and finances/employment. I reluctantly went with RS to the convenience store today, leaving CR alone for about 15 minutes but was freaking out the whole time. I convinced myself he would be unconscious by the time we got home. I only went because we both wanted custom sandwiches. I just feel like the anxiety is out of my control at this point. It’s not acute panic attacks as much, though I’m having those as well. I can sort of handle those. It’s this constant worry about every little thing. If it’s not one thing it’s another. I know once CR is healed up I’ll be on to the next worry. I hate it. I can’t think straight. I’m afraid to leave the house but I will be pushing myself to do that bc I don’t want to become super paranoid again. I don’t know if medication would help. I’m scheduled to discharge program the week of July 25th so it’s kind of late to make any changes. It’s good that I’m discharging though, I don’t need it anymore, I’m only benefiting from process group. I can process with my own therapist. It’s just a matter of seeing if she has any room in her schedule. I’m going to get up on time tomorrow. I feel like I’m trapped in the house but also too afraid to leave on my own so I dunno what I’m going to do tomorrow. I’m watching svengoolie tonight, they are showing a 1957 movie called “the deadly mantis”. It’s about a gigantic prehistoric praying mantis that is traveling down the west coast attacking military bases along the way. I love old horror/sci fi movies. I don’t like current horror or sci fi for some reason but the really silly B-movie stuff is my jam.

Those B-movies are terrific. Have you ever watched Elvira? Kind-of the same idea as Svengoolie.

My all-time favorite one of those movies is Spider Baby. Wow, that brings back memories of a certain hot summer.

Gaaahh, I am so sorry about the anxiety/worry, wfc. Nothing feels worse to me than what you've described. If there's a chance of medication helping, why not give it a try.

Med dude told me to take the Vraylar in the morning because it's activating. I don't know who it's activating for, sure isn't me. I took it yesterday morning and slept for 2 1/2 hours (granted, I needed that sleep), but I was asleep on my feet all day today. I skated, but for only half an hour because it felt hard to move.

I can see why taking Vraylar at bedtime would help with falling asleep, but then why take Vraylar instead of a low dose of Seroquel for sleep? I don't want to take a med that makes me feel drugged and flat, there's no point to it. Maybe I'll give the Vraylar a try tomorrow night. I hope it's not one of those that puts me to sleep all day, but awakens me at bedtime. That's what Geodon did for me. But then who takes Haldol and gets energized from it? Clearly, I am an alien being

Love, kids. Love. And peace. Joy, joy, joy~**~*~*

My husband's friend arrived last night. Instead of the bonfire sausage roast, we did them on the grill. Our Czech female friend is always pleasant, but I still think it would have been best not to have invited her. She brought a homemade apple strudel and a whole sheet of chocolate brownie-like treats with chocolate cake topped with raspberry preserves and then chocolate ganache. With them were about the yummiest strawberries we've ever had in our lives, from her garden.

I got my husband out of bed early since his friend did stay over last night, despite having a flat/apartment rental. They're now taking a walk around the area of our house. Later they'll go somewhere further afield. I'll be very happy to have some time to myself.

Lately I've had a mild physical malaise. My eating has been poor and excessive. My moods have been in a state of struggle to remain on the edges of acceptable stability. I do think the Seroquel IR that was added to the previous XR is causing side effects. Oddly, I have not had any excess sedation other than a handful of times when I was ultra sleepy early at night. But then I wake up a few times in the middle of the night and am almost ready to start the day at 5 am. Really, the eating issue is noted. I'm also sweating a lot (a particularly odorous kind). My clothes are all tight. The strudel is almost gone, but I dread the leftovers of that chocolate ganache sheet cake. Our friend hasn't wanted even one piece to help get rid of it. I feel overwhelmed and pushed to my limits.

I'm glad the weather is mild. Today's high will only be around 66 F (19 C).

Sleep schedule is still wonky, so I'm up at the point where late night becomes early morning. I feel well rested though, so I'll take the early start!

I haven't heard anything from my dad or my cousin about the food I passed up the other day (or the apparent redemption). I'm not complaining, but I'm surprised. The day has literally just begun though.

I think I overwhelmed myself with the job search this past week. I'm supposed to do a minimum of three job search or job search related activities (applications, talking to businesses, interviews, etc.) over the course of a week for unemployment. I did thirteen, with four companies calling me back in the course of 48 hours! I've got two businesses I'm in active contact with. After that, they all start to blend together and my brain becomes frazzled. I haven't had this happen in a while. Being a slave to the ups and downs for a week or so, and then getting everything I had been putting off that week done in 8 hours or less. My pre-diagnosed self actually called it "going manic." Maybe he should have paid attention to what he was saying. Oh, well.

I got a letter from Social Security asking about banking information. I would normally chalk it up to a scam, but it does coincide with other letters and emails I received a week ago from the agency. Nothing I can do on a Sunday, but I will contact the Agency (either online or in person) on Monday to see what's going on. Oh, and open the letters. I'd be over the moon if somebody on the government end made the decision to try and help me, but this seems suspiciously easy.

Not much to do today. I'll probably go to church. Not particularly religious, but in a small conservative town, church is about the only social game in town where you don't have to pay for a cup of coffee or a beer.

I've been pretty paranoid latey. I haven't left my house since Wednesday and that was just to go to therapy. Then my phone seems to be acting up but just in my room and I went to turn on Paramount Plus in my room and I had to log in again. Despite using it a week ago. So I'm thinking hackers broke into my room or the broken mirror thats still useable that I've been using is haunting my room. So anyways I threw out the mirror and logged back into paramount plus but now I won't use my phone when I'm in my room. I know my stomach med I started a few weeks ago can cause paranoia. I don't know if its worth looking into. Next week I meet with the lawyer, I have the consultation with my therapist and that other therapist, then I also need to get my haircut and go to TJ Maxx to look for another mirror. I finally admitted to my mom I sometimes restricted food but I didn't do it all the time for weight loss. She thinks I might have some type of non descript eating disorder which is basically just ednos. I figured I need to just start being honest with people although I'm not sure how honest I'll be at the consultation. I really don't want to get switched from my current therapist.

I hope it will be possible to arrange a meeting with your therapist.

If it was my husband that had brought a femeale friend to stay over night, my alarm would have rang very, very loud!

I am TIRED! Hope it is not long-covid. Oh.... I found my signature by Ayres and Vivyan. Liked that about paddling one's own canoe. But how can one paddle a canoe when one is so sleepy that one has problems sitting up in the boat?

Good wishes to all!

It’s for when you’re waking up after general anaesthesia - the nurse puts it on you in recovery. They do that here sometimes anyway. They didn’t do it for me but I was given something to wake me up quickly coz they couldn’t wake me up from the anaesthesia but generally it takes people a while to wake up so they use the cpap machine while you’re waking up so you can breathe properly coz you’re still sedated. Also handy if something goes wrong and you need to stay the night too.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My husband's friend arrived last night. Instead of the bonfire sausage roast, we did them on the grill. Our Czech female friend is always pleasant, but I still think it would have been best not to have invited her. She brought a homemade apple strudel and a whole sheet of chocolate brownie-like treats with chocolate cake topped with raspberry preserves and then chocolate ganache. With them were about the yummiest strawberries we've ever had in our lives, from her garden. I got my husband out of bed early since his friend did stay over last night, despite having a flat/apartment rental. They're now taking a walk around the area of our house. Later they'll go somewhere further afield. I'll be very happy to have some time to myself. Lately I've had a mild physical malaise. My eating has been poor and excessive. My moods have been in a state of struggle to remain on the edges of acceptable stability. I do think the Seroquel IR that was added to the previous XR is causing side effects. Oddly, I have not had any excess sedation other than a handful of times when I was ultra sleepy early at night. But then I wake up a few times in the middle of the night and am almost ready to start the day at 5 am. Really, the eating issue is noted. I'm also sweating a lot (a particularly odorous kind). My clothes are all tight. The strudel is almost gone, but I dread the leftovers of that chocolate ganache sheet cake. Our friend hasn't wanted even one piece to help get rid of it. I feel overwhelmed and pushed to my limits. I'm glad the weather is mild. Today's high will only be around 66 F (19 C).

Lovely weather!

Hmmm...what you've described sure sounds like typical Seroquel side effects. Not good, not healthy. You probably won't see this for a while, but as cruel as it sounds I'd force myself to throw out the ganache. There's nothing about it that will help you feel good.

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Originally Posted by Aurelius710 ... Not much to do today. I'll probably go to church. Not particularly religious, but in a small conservative town, church is about the only social game in town where you don't have to pay for a cup of coffee or a beer.

The church serves beer?

No, GoGo2. She wasn't invited to stay overnight. Sorry I was unclear. Just for the bonfire sausage roast. His friend (a man) was invited to stay overnight because it was late and my husband was tipsy, so no one to drive him to his flat and too late for the bus. I'm not in the least bit threatened by the female friend. Nor the male one. My concern was that his male friend speaks only English, while the female friend only speaks Czech. So three English speakers, but only my husband speaking Czech to the female friend. Also, if I was the male friend I'd have wished to arrive only to see my hubby and me.

I’m another who watched x-files back in the day. Fringe was another favorite of mine. Actually I think I liked fringe a bit better, especially after Lenard Nimoy joined the cast. I liked the early x -files seasons better and the latter fringe seasons. Lost I liked all the the last season.

I just got through floating on a really cloudy day. It was still delightful and relaxing. We’re about to go to the large weekend market downtown for some juicy Georgia peaches and homemade peach cobbler. I’m glad it’s overcast so it’s not too hot.

Tomorrow after my med provider appointment, we’re going to a sunflower farm for beautiful flowers and stopping by a cafe with the best cake and coffee in town (26 kinds of cakes/pies). Yum!

I’m doing well today. I couldn’t transfer either prescription from Florida because they are controlled substances and they won’t do it. I’m doing okay without. I’ll get them tomorrow.

I’ll keep an open heart and mind with my daughter and remember that we’ve all been under stress.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day

Too late. FWB came over earlier.

Only the best!

My heart was beating like crazy and I was super light headed after drinking a trenta cold brew coffee today from Starbucks. But I'm fine now. I just have the same anxiety as normal which might just be because of the coffee. I've eaten decently today. At least this morning. My paranoia hasn't been terrible but I've been binge watching TV in the family room all day so I've been distracted. Apparently my therapy appointment is on Tuesday at 10. I thought we agreed Tuesdays werent good so we said Wednesday mornings. She asked me this past Wednesday if I wanted to meet twice next week and I was like "yeah" and I guess I was confused since I knew the consultation was also on Wednesday. So idk. I emailed her to cancel since the appointment on Tuesday is when I meet with the lawyer anyways. My mom says meeting with the lawyer is way more important anyways. I guess I'm just kind of annoyed because I don't ever remember agreeing to a Tuesday time. I said Tuesdays were not a good day. But whatever.

Day 6 and I'm feeling better. Not good, but better. I talk to my case manager tomorrow. Hopefully she'll help me find my own place.

Edit; not feeling better anymore. Physically yes but mentally I'm shattered glass and I'm about 5 seconds from freaking the fk out.