Bipolar check-in #67

Beth, my nephew was over tonight on their way home from camping. He had a collapsable pole that telescopes out with two different heads. One for standard lightbulbs and one for bigger bulbs. Had long plastic finger like prongs with a metal elastic band around it. It took him seconds to change the bulb! Was a breeze. So they had cookies and we talked a bit. I googled lightbulb changer for high ceilings and a picture came up. So cool.

I can't stand this. I don't know how I'm going to make it through PAWS.

So I was able to talk to one of the other clinicians today (mine is on vacation) and she gave me a couple of skills to use. That was the problem, I couldn't figure out which ones would work. I've been drowning in catastrophizing. I've just been assuming someone is going to die, be it me or RS or CR, because people close to me HAVE died suddenly with no warning. I've also been feeling like no one cares or has even acknowledged what I'm going through (IRL), they're all just placating me with "it won't last forever" and "you're strong".

Anyway one of the other clinicians told me that when I catch myself catastrophizing and assuming the worst (that CR is going to die from complications) I need to stop saying to myself what could go wrong and flip the script to what could go right and focus on that. So the right thing to happen is CR makes a full recovery. The right thing for me is nothing is seriously wrong and I just have to make some diet adjustments.

As for the low level paranoia, she told me to use safety statements (which do work for me but went straight out of my head in the panic), and also take it one step at a time. Such as, look out my window before i go to my car and be aware of anyone that's there. Usually no one is and there's nowhere to hide in the front yards on our block. Then when I get where I'm going do the same thing and use a safety statement (The store is a few feet away, everyone is occupied loading their groceries), etc etc. I'm still afraid but I do feel better about CR. Especially because there has been no cause for alarm, he's doing brilliantly.

So hopefully I won't need to add more medication, although I will if it's needed for sure.

Post acute withdrawal syndrome. Basically the withdrawals that last after the withdrawals and they can last months-years. Feels like a mixed episode but it's not.

When I lived in my apartment in Texas the management would change lightbulbs for you. In fact the sent a letter around to say they’d prefer it if you had them change the lightbulbs since the ceilings were high. In the 12 years I lived there I only changed the bulbs in the living room once after I put my bulbs in. But I did mine myself because I bought very bright long lasting lightbulbs. I also switched out my apartment shower head for one I liked better. I also put a filter on the kitchen sink. I had to switch it back when I left though. I also fixed my own toilet cause I know how. So I’m not one to talk about calling out but if it’s dangerous for you maybe it’s an option?

Ohh I have no old fashioned cookies but I do have store bought sickerdoodles will that do?

Oh the glitter.
Does anyone else ever see silver squiggles
Or glitter like confetti? My pdoc thought cogentin was causing it. He decreased it but now
I’m
Having awful muscle spasms again. Sigh

I'm just done. Pdoc did nothing.. I'm spending my days isolated and nights hiding in my room. I have to cut my hair and shower before tomorrow both I probably won't.

I seldom use my desktop computer anymore, opting instead to use my tablet. A problem is that I somehow deleted my MSF password on my tablet (& don't remember what it is), so can't record that I've been following what's going on, & am generally unable to respond. I've got the password saved on my desktop, though! Hence, I'm writing...

I know many of you are going through rough or uncertain times now. I hope things improve or become more certain for those of you having troubles. I try to check this section each day to follow old & new participants. Sorry I don't seem to interact as much as I did before my girlfriend retired & my password was lost, but I haven't forgotten anyone. Hang tough, everyone. Bipolar disorder is a ******, but things tend to change over time...& they will again.

Peace.

I had an appointment with my med provider yesterday. She doubled my Zoloft. I hope it helps.

I had a therapist who specializes in grief/loss call me yesterday. She is on my insurance and we start Wednesday. Still going to attend the Griefshare class.

Yesterday was busy comforting mom and seeing my neighbor who I’ve started dating. He’s been a real pillar of strength for me during this time. I enjoy his company and he helps me smile.

Tomorrow the sunflower fields and a restaurant with good southern cooking. After a good float in the pool of course. I’m up a bit late so I hope I’m up and down there by 8:00.

Hugs to all.

@*Beth* I don't know what I wanted him to do. He asked me the same thing. I told him I don't think he can help me. I told him I was withdrawn and overwhelmed. He wished me luck on my move and we hung up. tomorrow I have t and have to look somewhat put together. My hair is all knotted again and I don't remember my last shower. Things are getting bad and I want to lay with my comforter of depression.

Just got off the ACT crisis line. Told them I wanted to use so they guided me through some exercises, told me to listen to some music, called back and asked if I was safe for the night (I said yes but if I don't get to sleep I will either call back or head to the streets). The thing is, I'm worried I'm going to Hell and my mind is gyrating about what I can do for that to not happen. I didn't even believe in Hell a week ago, but a snake under my bed said he will drag me down with him if I don't win the fight.