Bipolar check-in #68

Ooh

@Jennifer 1967:

I take it your brother has died. I am so very sorry.

I'm up early, but well rested. I'll take it!

Big day ahead! My parents should be by for their "Logistics and Bill Assistance Tour" in a couple of hours. So long as I can keep them focused on actually urgently needed expenses and not on trivia, I'll be good. With my father's mercurial personality, that's very much up in the air.

I also need them here because I need my mother present (as a witness) to "sign" my online onboarding forms. Once that's done and I can send them on my way, I get to go two towns over to take a drug test. Logistics be damned, but at this point, these employers have been amazingly generous with the whole situation.

I might be clocking in for my first shift at the end of the week!

It finally cooled down. I just came back from my first real walk in weeks and I didn't even feel like I was going to pass out by the time I got to the end of the road. Did a solid 4 miles. You can really see the drought at all the places that are supposed to have water. It's supposed to get as low as 57F Friday night.

Slept less than two hours last night. That makes about 5 hours that I've gotten so far this week. I keep forgetting to take the thorazine (which ideally I'd take every 8 hours). Not that it makes me sleepy, but it helps with the agitation, paranoia, and hallucinations which are getting pretty bad at times. I kept thinking someone was going to try to set me on fire when I first started walking but when I got to the main road I was just focused on not getting hit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow @*Beth* ; I was just reading the boards at 3 AM when it occurred to me that you are trying to get the lithium labs at random times. Did med dude tell you that they need to be drawn 12 hours after your last dose to be accurate?

Thank you, Rainbow. Yes, he did. But then I wondered...getting the blood draw 12 hours after a dose meant (logically) skipping the morning dose, which he did not mention.

Couldn't you take the morning dose after the blood draw? That's what I used to do.

I’m so glad I went to aqua fitness! It was so nice to see everyone and chat. I didn’t get any sleep last night so my back is killing me but the water is a lot of support. It wakes you up too being cold. I was very close this morning to emailing my pdoc and asking him to put me back on the ambien but I talked myself into waiting another week. But the regular fitness class is just too much. My energy is flagging though.

Just had my pdoc appointment. She seems nice. She's gonna add Lamictal, starting at 25mg and going up 25 every week until I get to 100mg. Wants me to take one more Invega injection so I can show the nurse the rash (if I get it, because maybe I did just get poison ivy twice...less than what I usually get in the summer). See her again in a month. Telehealth wasn't friendly to me though. Microsoft teams wouldn't let me use my microphone so she called me on the phone. She did call me "too smart for my own good" though, which is something I've heard a lot growing up. Nothing like that recently however. Updated my allergy list too. Tegretol and lithium both on it now.

Yesterday we found out my sister is at a bit of a risk with her pregnancy. Its a concern but not a panic. But she needs to move the c section date up to September 17th instead of October 11th. But shes not on bed rest and she can go to work and stuff. But we're all just kinda on edge. Then I fell asleep last night at 6:30 without my melatonin because I wanted to watch AGT. I woke up at 11 and took the melatonin. I woke up at 5:15 with a med hangover a stomach ache from the Red Robin take out dinner we had, and anxiety about my sister. So I drank 2 cups of peppermint tea and took my stomach med and half a zofran and got my stomach under control. I took my morning valium and prestiq which then got my anxiety under control. The med hangover I was kind of stuck with since I didn't want to drink caffeine and make the anxiety bad again. But I had therapy so I stopped and got a Mountain Dew which I drank a bit of before I went in and saw her. But man was I baked to the point of barely being able to function. She was super nice and understanding but I do need to be more careful since theres only so much they can take when I do this type of stuff even though this was by total accident. I seem to be doing all my progress outside of therapy and then just coming to therapy wasted and a mess. Now I'm at home and nauseated again and still feeling the med hangover but I'm in an ok mood.

I'm wondering if I'm getting sick or something. I've taken my regular melatonin before at 11PM and have functioned just fine the next day. I just feel really sick and tired and I don't know if its stress or what. I get my blood work done the morning I leave. But I did say it would eventually all make sense.

I don't generally complain, but I'm hitting bottom. My shrink added Vraylar & Trintellex to my meds, but they don't seem to be doing any good. I made an appointment with my therapist for the first time in months, but I think I've just about exhausted anything I can derive from therapy. You can only do it for so many years before it gets repetitive. My girlfriend is having knee replacement surgery on the 22nd, so I feel pressure to be on top of my game. Not sure that's going to happen, though. I feel stupid complaining since I know what folks like Jennifer, Aurelius, Beth, Soupe, Boots & others are going through. @Nammu, I hope you get some sleep soon, too.

I have fleeting thoughts of sui, but they're just thoughts. My sister was diagnosed with cancer in February, so I know what worry/tragedy can do to a family. I don't really want to be here, but I wouldn't put those I love through my BS.

Sorry you're not doing too well, buddha. I'm glad you posted today and made an appointment with your therapist. Maybe you've been through the whole rigamarole for years and have learned what you can from it, but sometimes it's good to have a place to be able to open up and be reminded of your skills to get through a rough patch. You're a wonderful, strong person and you *will* get through this. Keep reaching out

@buddha1too Sometimes just having a listening nonjudgmental ear is all we need until the temporary fluctuations dissipate . I’m glad you won’t act on the thoughts, wish I could make the bottom more tolerable while you are there. Remember this too is temporary.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Couldn't you take the morning dose after the blood draw? That's what I used to do.

Oh, good point. But I was going to get the blood draw at 1 p.m. because they're the only freakin' outpatient lab in town, so they are always overbooked with appointments.

Anyway, I ended up not going.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Just had my pdoc appointment. She seems nice. She's gonna add Lamictal, starting at 25mg and going up 25 every week until I get to 100mg. Wants me to take one more Invega injection so I can show the nurse the rash (if I get it, because maybe I did just get poison ivy twice...less than what I usually get in the summer). See her again in a month. Telehealth wasn't friendly to me though. Microsoft teams wouldn't let me use my microphone so she called me on the phone. She did call me "too smart for my own good" though, which is something I've heard a lot growing up. Nothing like that recently however. Updated my allergy list too. Tegretol and lithium both on it now.

I am SO glad your pdoc appointment went well!

Ha, yeah. I've heard that one all of my life. My precious sister who died of an overdose almost 4 years ago, used to hear the same thing. She'd say, "Hey, it's lonely at the top." Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Yesterday we found out my sister is at a bit of a risk with her pregnancy. Its a concern but not a panic. But she needs to move the c section date up to September 17th instead of October 11th. But shes not on bed rest and she can go to work and stuff. But we're all just kinda on edge. ....

What's going on?

Ugh I was so restless I couldn’t sleep last night. I took extra seroquel and that meant I have been dragging all day. I went online for group bc I had a physical scheduled at 11am but I fell asleep at 10ish online and then again after my appt at 1:15ish. I have to go in person tomorrow but still need to leave at 12 to get my son to his follow up tonsil removal appointment. And I have to leave at 12:30 to get my TB test read.

I mean I really didn’t expect to still be there in the middle of august so I had all these appointments set up from a few weeks ago. So my clinician is just going to have to deal with it. I need to be out by sept 1, that’s when I start my new job. So I’m going to talk to her the next time I see her. I don’t want to sign out AMA but if she won’t let me go I’ll have to. I think she will though, I’m much improved.

I hate the haldol side effects though. I can’t take too much cogentin, it blurs my vision if I do. But it was the restless that got me last night. My recommended dose is 1.5mg but that’s too much. So I got through last night by taking 1mg as a compromise.

I would really rather be on something else like abilify or something but I don’t know if it would work and I’m not gonna go around changing meds so close to the beginning of the school year. Especially after that traumatic episode. I am not sure if I’ve taken abilify before. I know latuda made things way worse and I thought my original dr had prescribed abilify first which also messed things up. But I also wasn’t on any other mood stabilizer and I was on an SSRI. The SSRIs are terrible, they all makes me manic that slides into mixed. So it’s worth a try again. But I’m going to wait until I see my regular pdoc. She’s more reasonable than the program dr.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too I don't generally complain, but I'm hitting bottom. My shrink added Vraylar & Trintellex to my meds, but they don't seem to be doing any good. I made an appointment with my therapist for the first time in months, but I think I've just about exhausted anything I can derive from therapy. You can only do it for so many years before it gets repetitive. My girlfriend is having knee replacement surgery on the 22nd, so I feel pressure to be on top of my game. Not sure that's going to happen, though. I feel stupid complaining since I know what folks like Jennifer, Aurelius, Beth, Soupe, Boots & others are going through. @Nammu, I hope you get some sleep soon, too. I have fleeting thoughts of sui, but they're just thoughts. My sister was diagnosed with cancer in February, so I know what worry/tragedy can do to a family. I don't really want to be here, but I wouldn't put those I love through my BS.

Whoa, hey...your state of mind is every bit as valid as the rest of us. I hear you on the reality of therapy. A hard truth, but realistic, in a certain way. That said - it can be surprising once we sit down in a session, how much we've been holding in. When's your appointment?

btw, I know everyone is different - but for me, Vraylar was like drinking water. I didn't feel a thing from it.

There's a lot of pressure on you right now, buddha. Your gf's surgery - and your sister...I've been there a few times; having a family member with cancer is rough, rough. Extremely stressful, in my experience.

Please keep posting here. You are such a valuable part of our group, and I know we all care very much about you.

As for me - hey, how can I off myself when there's even a slim chance that the Giants may end up in the play-offs?

I'm sending you love, my friend

I'm not quite sure what its called. She developed some kinda condition. She needs to see the doctor twice a week now until the 17th but like she can still go to work. So I guess thats a good sign that she doesn't have to be on bedrest. Shes a teacher and shes dropping my nephews off tommorow so she can set up her classroom. My mom said its something to be concerned about but nothing to panic about and she will be closely monitored. She is technically due in 2 months but she is delivering a month early and I think I've heard stories of babies being born 2 months early and being ok. They have to be in the hospital for a long time but they are ok. But hopefully she'll make it to the 17th.

@buddha1too, venting is a form of release and can be a healthy one. Do feel free to vent here, and as others wrote, that new therapist is also there to listen. The fact that you sought a new one out is quite good, my friend. I hope they work out. If not, extend your hand to another person.

I’m so much better. Idk if it’s just the celexa increase or something else (too personal to discuss) but I’m
Not so emotional as I was last week! Thank god!!!

This has been a productive week for me. I signed up for an at-home transcriptionist position online and also filed for disability in the same week (lol, sounds counter productive, but i'll explain). The transcription job is freelance work and I accept as much or as little as wanted -- it seems to be a very nice side hustle, problem is I have to wait 4-12 weeks to see if I am selected to work with the company. I've failed to maintain income or a job for awhile and this is my last attempt to try to re-enter the work world. If it works out, I can ensure I make under what I need to keep disability, or if it doesn't -- no harm no foul. Disability will take some time to process, but hopefully it works out in my favor. I have been told countless times I'll probably be denied but to appeal. I'll just worry about that when I come to it. It is very unsettling to think about how I am unable to sustain myself. If my living situation changed (i.e. my mom were to die) I'd be unable to do anything. I need to feel some security in my own capability to provide for me. I'm not giving up, and disability is not a "throw in the towel" move, but it's still my plan B.


I have felt good this week. My mood has been a bit unstable these days but I am enjoying the positives. I also want to mention therapy can always offer you something. My therapist made two comments to me in my last session that really stuck out to me. I spent 2 weeks kinda evading looking at my life or doing anything productive and played videogames as a distraction. In her nuanced professional and magical way, she made me realize A) I always feel better when I utilize my skills I've learned in therapy and B) I can restart my day at any time. The first is just a the fact that when I stick to using them, I do find them helpful, and sometimes I veer off track and forget, but going back to them is always a solid option. The latter statement I really kinda liked. She expressed the idea is that we don't have to wait for anything to happen to start a change we need. In my case-- let's say my whole day was a waste and I didn't do anything. Sometimes that's the best we can do and it's best to acknowledge and accept that that is what the day is, but if I feel I could do something different, I don't have to wait for a new day to make some change. My week was productive this week because I took both of those things and applied them. I always feel awful going into therapy and want to quit, but I never leave therapy without feeling I've learned something or have a new tool to utilize. I know I need it.

I still feel a bit uncomfortable here, but I'm trying to get over my issues. I enjoy the interaction with you guys.

In other news, there isn't much. I'm teaching my sister to drive and it's going well. I just hope she passes her test. Her husband is going to be upset but he'll just have to get over it. Not getting into her situation too much, he's the jealous type and doesn't want her to have independence, while at the same time unable to provide for the family unit and can't even get her to and from work regularly. My sister's boss is going to give her a car once she has a license. I think it'll be really good for her to have at least a means to get to and from work, or even just go to the store on her own accord. I'm rooting for her all the way right now.

I've had quite the sweet tooth lately, my mom's friend made us a cake late july for my mom's birthday, and we also had cake in August on my mom's birthday, and since then I've been craving cake cake cake. lol. I even bought some Little Debbie fancy cakes. It's unlike me to desire sweets , but when I want them, I want them. I'm sure I'll find reasons to regret it when I check the scale in a few weeks haha. It's worth it in my opinion.

Well, that's about it. I think I'm going to journal a little bit. I have therapy tomorrow so let's hope I find it runs smoothly. I did my homework and I'm "prepared" but sometimes I get bent out of shape about how it will go. It never is a bad experience. I have to remember how helpful she's been for me. Random challenge to anyone who is reading this. I found this kinda cool idea online -- if you're up for it, I have a request. I'm trying to find new ways to interact with the forum. I've been using the chatroom feature some, and it's a bit of an easier space to talk for me as well... if you're looking to make a new friend, why not send me a PM? I'm happy to make conversation, big or small.

Thanks for reading!

I’m sorry you are hitting bottom. I hope things start looking up soon. I don’t know what to say to help you feel better but I support you and I care. Thinking of you and sending gentle hugs and healing vibes.

I was watching the 6:30 national news and they showed a city with cars submerged around the area from a flash flood. Could have knocked me over with a feather when they named my city as the one in the pics. I knew it had been raining all day but didn’t think much of it. I’ve been hard at work today on a house project - cleaning out brother’s room. We’re thinking of converting it to either an office, home gym or meditation room. Trying to keep things positive.

I’ve decided to go to that Griefshare class alone. I think it will be highly beneficial. There’s also a bible study starting Wednesday that I’m interested in. I guess I’m dipping my toes in slowly. I am still seeing my neighbor on a regular basis and he’s been a huge support and downright fantastic.

Today was tough with brother’s room. It will take more than one day but I made real progress today. I’m pleased.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening.

I'm so excited. It finally worked out for me to see my pdoc in person for the first time in 30 months. I need to fill in some forms with her and it's easiest to do it together so I'm making it happen. And for once COVID cases are higher here than in her city so it feels pretty safe. The only thing I'm worried about is she's in a new building and I don't think it shows up on the map. But I'm leaving lots of time and will go to the main building and ask for directions if needed. I think it's an old church or something? Not sure. But I'll get there early and she'll be running late and it will be perfect.

I also finally had 2 good PTs in a row and my foot feels much better from the treatments they did. It's funny, 8 years ago when I had my ankle reconstruction I really disliked this one therapist but now I hope that he's the one I'm working with. The one I get if I don't get him tends to be much less aggressive than I need. But they think my foot is improving. Next time I'll not have the scar management stuff because I'll be getting taped before my vacation so I'll have support while I'm walking around but two good days is a lot.

I'm also pleased because I pulled a bag out of the back of my closet and found a nebulizer I remembered buying but thought I'd made it up because it was just gone. I don't know why it was where it was or why I hadn't noticed the bag in the closet before but now I have it back and it's much better than the one I have been using.


Also my smaller shorts came today. I have to try them on but I've been wearing a size too big for weeks now in shorts and shirts and tomorrow I have both in a lower size.

So things are good here. Anxious about getting very lost at the hospital but otherwise this is a pretty good day.

So, everything that needed to be done today got done! Onboarding is complete and I'm waiting on my supervisor to contact me about my first day. Ideally, I'll be on the job by Monday!

Water is back in service! Unfortunately, so is the messed up pipe, but tomorrow is another day. Internet is taken care of, so there should be no more service interruptions for the rest of the month. And electricity. Even though I told my family I had no need for much help on that front, they insisted to the point of obstinance in putting at least three months of credit, possibly five or six if I work it right, on my bill. Far be it from me to try and save them money.

Speaking of money, my father, not one to miss spoiling a good moment or reminding me what a burden I am, decided that I cost him too much money (a lie) and delegated any future help to my mother (who actually can't). I know for a fact he has $40,000 sitting in a bank account, and to be clear, I don't feel entitled to the money. I feel pissed off that he can't tell the truth (He doesn't want to help me, but feels obligated to.) and instead hides behind "poverty" and, let's be fair, my mom.

He'll relent. He always has, especially when he can be a fair weather friend again.

All in all though, an OK day, my father notwithstanding.