Bipolar check-in #69

Feel a bit more human after sleeping good outside and a cup of some really strong coffee. I think tonight I'm going to try sleeping inside, but take my mattress and put it on the floor. Might be a little more comfortable and more restful sleep, might be too familiar to sleeping on my bed and get more sh**ty sleep. Worth a shot because I am not sleeping outside in -40F windchills when February comes (if it even gets that cold this year, after this summer I highly doubt we'll have a typical winter). I'm going to try living with my friend in Maine. It's closer to here than my dad's so I'll try and work out a partial living with my mom and partial living with her so I don't have to switch treatment teams every time I get sick of staying somewhere. I actually kinda like my new pdoc and it'd suck to lose the second decent outpatient med provider I've had in the past 11 years (as long as she doesn't turn into a total beyotch later on).

I've changed my mindset on substances and I think this way of thinking is going to really help. It's very "one day at a time"-ish. Instead of saying "never gonna do anything again," it's "I really want to use right now, but I'll wait until tomorrow" (if I want to use, if the thought of drugs/alcohol doesn't pop into my head I won't make myself think of it).

I feel like I can focus for once. I don't know if it's the music I've been listening to, the coffee, the sleep, a combo of those, or something else, but I may actually read a chapter of the book I've been trying to get through since January (which is a shame because I already forgot half of what I've read so far...and it's a super interesting book!)

Free, organic, homegrown hugs to anyone who wants them!!!!

@bluebird. You’re doing very well! Congratulations for going back to the volunteer center. As always I love seeing the two adorable cats.

I'm feeling accomplished today About 2 or 3 months ago I went camping with my kid. I never cleaned out my truck because of lack of motivation. well today I cleaned out my truck and I did a really good job. Oh and last night I collected up all my garbage and cleaned out my fridge and freezer last night. I am tired of living in a dump my wife if she was still alive would kick my butt if she saw how I was keeping this house. I need to clean the living room and kitchen and I'm good to go. I'm still really depressed but I am starting to move forward with my life.

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I'm feeling accomplished today About 2 or 3 months ago I went camping with my kid. I never cleaned out my truck because of lack of motivation. well today I cleaned out my truck and I did a really good job. Oh and last night I collected up all my garbage and cleaned out my fridge and freezer last night. I am tired of living in a dump my wife if she was still alive would kick my butt if she saw how I was keeping this house. I need to clean the living room and kitchen and I'm good to go. I'm still really depressed but I am starting to move forward with my life.

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Didn't do a whole lot today. Did some cleaning but that's about it. Tomorrow I will finish my cleaning, do some laundry, walk to the store, and also exercise on the treadmill.

My new winter coat was delivered. It's by the brand Columbia, I had one before in the past and it was nice. I wanted to get something good quality because I don't have a car, I walk or take the bus everywhere so I spend more time outside than most people do in the winter, and it gets fairly cold here in upstate New York. I got it on sale, so it was $70, the original price was $140 so I think that's a good deal.

I feel anxious today, I'm not sure why. It's just one of those days I guess. Might be because I pretty much isolated the whole day. I did sit outside for 20 minutes or so in the morning but that's it. I might meditate for a bit tonight before I go to bed. I use an app called Headspace, its a meditation app, has tons of guided meditations and stuff, I've been finding it very helpful. I tend to feel more anxious on days I spend entirely alone, inside, and days I don't exercise or go somewhere.

Mustachio got under the blankets with me earlier when I took a nap, she likes to snuggle. She does that every night too when I go to sleep, gets under the blankets and snuggles right next to me and purrs till we fall asleep. Maybelle is older (13 years old) and more independent, she sleeps in her own big cat bed.

I again took 10 mg and slept pretty good, though I did wake up a lot. Wasn’t ready when the alarm went off. But despite low, low energy I went to aqua fitness and the instructor was like minded, we had a low energy work out. Do feel a bit more human now.

Yay! Good for you! You’re doing great! I got everything squared away at the Y and I start aqua fitness M-F at 5:15 am. Yeah…sounds like a horrible hour but works well with my schedule as I usually wake by 4:00. Lol! Looking forward to it.

I did get admitted to the hospital. I’m pecking this out on my cell phone. I’m not a two handed, thumbs a whirl whiz like my daughter. I’m not that bad but… Best place for me to be and I’ll be right as rain before you know it. Added bonus - my family realized I wasn’t indestructible after all and either they or I realized that they care for and need me more than was known. Changes and improvements are occurring.

I had an emergency session with my therapist at 7:00 tonight. It did me a world of good. I’ve been wobbly for some time now and I’ve contacted the crisis line 3 times in the past two weeks. I’m open for inpatient. My therapist is not and after tonight I think things might improve. I have an emergency med provider meeting via phone tomorrow. Further assistance. A grief class that starts Monday. Even further help. I’m doing the right things to get to the other side.

On to fun things….I’ve rented a nice secluded cabin for our annual hiking trip, signed up for a glamping trip with a group of women I know, made my plans for my vacation north and bought a ticket for a Christmas craft event (making ornaments, wreathes and other decor). I’ve also set up an appointment to apply to the PhD program and joined a Fall book club. Fun, fun, fun. Feeling better already.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow. Much love

I did get admitted to the hospital. I’m pecking this out on my cell phone. I’m not a two handed, thumbs a whirl whiz like my daughter. I’m not that bad but… Best place for me to be and I’ll be right as rain before you know it. Added bonus - my family realized I wasn’t indestructible after all and either they or I realized that they care for and need me more than was known. Changes and improvements are occurring.

I had an emergency session with my therapist at 7:00 tonight. It did me a world of good. I’ve been wobbly for some time now and I’ve contacted the crisis line 3 times in the past two weeks. I’m open for inpatient. My therapist is not and after tonight I think things might improve. I have an emergency med provider meeting via phone tomorrow. Further assistance. A grief class that starts Monday. Even further help. I’m doing the right things to get to the other side.

On to fun things….I’ve rented a nice secluded cabin for our annual hiking trip, signed up for a glamping trip with a group of women I know, made my plans for my vacation north and bought a ticket for a Christmas craft event (making ornaments, wreathes and other decor). I’ve also set up an appointment to apply to the PhD program and joined a Fall book club. Fun, fun, fun. Feeling better already.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow. Much love

I got about an hour and a half nap. Short nap, but long enough to dream.

I'm in a labyrinth of caves, frantically moving and hopelessly lost. No light anywhere but a mysterious torch light (I'm not holding anything.), and when I look close, the cave becomes unreal, like something you build for a play or a movie set. I never see it and I never hear it, but I "know" there's something in the dark, stalking me, draining me. I get slower and more exhausted the more I move until it finds me, just out of the light. I can't face it. I don't have the energy to face it, but I have to. When I move to turn around, I wake up.

Wandering around an artificial prison with no apparent exit and... something following me, draining my will to fight. That's... that's just great.

The last time I remembered dreams this vivid was when I was on Abilify before. If this is what I'll be dreaming, I'm not so sure I want messages from my subconscious!