Bipolar check-in #69

I apologize for leaving so abruptly without saying good bye or explaining what I was doing. I did not believe at that time that I was making any meaningful contribution to the forum or the people on it and was, in fact, a drag on the system. When I left, I was desperate to go. I needed to disengage temporarily to decide whether to deactivate my account, modify my activity, or carry on as normal. The days I was away helped me gain clarity and perspective. I decided to come back. Mainly because I care about the people here.

If nothing else, I can provide comic relief and something interesting to look at. My life has been a train wreck these last few years as you know. Something it’s hard to look away from. Fortunately things are on the upswing now.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Much love.

@BeyondtheRainbow and @Sunflower123, they are cuties, but I'd never feel comfortable picking them myself. There must have been at least 10 different varieties out there but most are inedible and a couple downright poisonous. SIL only picks the ones she is certain are OK.

We are at our long-term temporary place right now. We have some more stuff coming with a friend tomorrow. We showed SIL the property we bought and she approved of it. Our friend who will do the renovations was also there passing ideas by us.

@Sunflower123, you are never a "drag on the system" and never feel any qualms about stepping away from here. I think many of us, including myself, have done so, either once or even many times. I understand when people wish to deactivate their accounts, but note that it may be hard to come back if you've deactivated once before or changed your username. Do check the site rules or with a moderater before ever considering such a thing. What can seem right one day, need not be permanently. Truly, I have never felt you did anything but add value here. Many members I've seen cause "problems", stepped away a bit and then came back and offered oodles. And sometimes we need more than we can give. That's OK. If it wasn't, none of us would ever stay. With a mental illness, it's par for the course to have fluctuating needs and behavior. If we can't understand that, then how could we expect to hope for it from others?

Sirius died in my arms today. I am devastated.

RIP my sweet boy

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@christina oh, I’m so sorry 😢

Christina - I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet dog.

Christina, I am so, so sorry.

@~Christina. I'm sorry you lost your long-time furry friend. What I will say as a hopefully comforting thing is that I bet his last moments were the best he would ever hope for. I had one parrot pass away in my husband's caress. Another at a vet's office having an xray. I know the one in my husband's loving hand was more at peace. At home with loved ones.

Oh, aye yi yi yi

Can’t tell mum anything! She’s not to go down the stairs but she does! Today she decided to wash the slider door my cat sits in front of. He sneezed on it. So she sits on the floor! It took us 20 minutes of heaving to get her off the floor! If that bothers her she should tell me and I can wash it, geez 🙄 her chair is straight across from the slider. So I know she sees it where as I can’t see it, but geez, speak up. Don’t sit on the floor!

Oh, Christina. Dear God. With all my heart I offer condolences. I am sending you so much love and peace of mind. Bless you for holding Sirius during his transition time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour ... And sometimes we need more than we can give. That's OK. If it wasn't, none of us would ever stay. With a mental illness, it's par for the course to have fluctuating needs and behavior. If we can't understand that, then how could we expect to hope for it from others?

The mushrooms are darling and do look as though they landed in from a fairy tale.

I'm going to take this opportunity to say that I easily and with joy give support to others on this forum. That said, I have begun to find it hard to endlessly, month after month turned into years, offer friendship and caring support to a few people who post on this board and never - I mean never - so much as mention anyone else on the board, unless the mention is directly about themselves. Oftentimes those members disappear and return only when they want to vent and receive support.

Such behavior has come to anger me. Now I'm setting a limit on giving my energy to those few people. I've decided that I accept the boundary I need to set and so it is. Life has to be give and take or there is no relationship. There needs to be a healthy limit on how we spend our energy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunflower123 I apologize for leaving so abruptly without saying good bye or explaining what I was doing. I did not believe at that time that I was making any meaningful contribution to the forum or the people on it and was, in fact, a drag on the system. When I left, I was desperate to go. I needed to disengage temporarily to decide whether to deactivate my account, modify my activity, or carry on as normal. The days I was away helped me gain clarity and perspective. I decided to come back. Mainly because I care about the people here. If nothing else, I can provide comic relief and something interesting to look at. My life has been a train wreck these last few years as you know. Something it’s hard to look away from. Fortunately things are on the upswing now. I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Much love.

Welcome back! I hope you're feeling less hairballed and more at peace.

You give so much to this forum. I think the part of your mind that was telling you you don't was in something of a delusional place. I'm pretty sure that everyone here knows what a terribly rough time you've been going through - yet you still take the time and energy to give support to others. Always.

I fully agree with Soupe's advice regarding account deactivization. It's a difficult, stressful problem if someone deactivates, then decides to return. The requested suspension you chose was a smart way to go about it.

I saw my niece today. My mom drove my nephews and me and my brother over to my sisters house. I sat in the middle seat between my nephews in their booster seats but I didn't feel cramped and they just watched stuff on their phones. My 8 year old nephew was instantly in love with the baby. He wanted to hold her nonstop and he was just gushing over her. He looked at my sisters stomach and said "are you having another baby?" My 6 year old nephew looked at the baby a bit but didn't want to hold her and went on the recliner and watched anime on his phone the whole time we were there. I didn't know if he was jealous or just overwhelmed. Both my sister and brother in law are just so happy.

I have classic signs of high hematrcirt. Fatigue, itchy skin, dizziness. The itchiness is the worst. My blood test is in 2 weeks from Monday. But I'm not irritated in real life. Today is the one year anniversary of my hystrectomy and my mental health has improved so much since having the surgery. My mom agrees I have greatly improved. I don't think I've actually yelled at anyone or gotten seriously angry since I've had the surgery. I've for sure calmed down irl. It sucks that hystrectomys aren't offered to cis women for mental health reasons because they truly can make a huge difference if your mental health issues are mostly hormonal related.

Sorry Christina.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I saw my niece today. My mom drove my nephews and me and my brother over to my sisters house. I sat in the middle seat between my nephews in their booster seats but I didn't feel cramped and they just watched stuff on their phones. My 8 year old nephew was instantly in love with the baby. He wanted to hold her nonstop and he was just gushing over her. He looked at my sisters stomach and said "are you having another baby?" My 6 year old nephew looked at the baby a bit but didn't want to hold her and went on the recliner and watched anime on his phone the whole time we were there. I didn't know if he was jealous or just overwhelmed. Both my sister and brother in law are just so happy. I have classic signs of high hematrcirt. Fatigue, itchy skin, dizziness. The itchiness is the worst. My blood test is in 2 weeks from Monday. But I'm not irritated in real life. Today is the one year anniversary of my hystrectomy and my mental health has improved so much since having the surgery. My mom agrees I have greatly improved. I don't think I've actually yelled at anyone or gotten seriously angry since I've had the surgery. I've for sure calmed down irl. It sucks that hystrectomys aren't offered to cis women for mental health reasons because they truly can make a huge difference if your mental health issues are mostly hormonal related.

Yay on meeting your niece!

I think that ANY person who was born female and wants a hysterectomy should be given one, no questions asked. Yes, the gyno has a responsibility to explain the outcome of having a hyst and all that, but damn! It's MY body. I've had issues post-menopause with my uterus. It did it's job in life, I appreciate that, but I'm done with it. But no doctor of mine will perform a hyst on me. It's infuriating to me, even traumatizing. It takes away my power over my own body.

Years ago I worked with a woman at a social service agency. She was lesbian, in her late 20's. I was in my early 30's. We became friends. Frankly, we were in love and I was stupid not to act on it. I mean, we were truly in love. She's since married her partner, but occasionally someone will tell me she says Hi to me. It breaks my heart. She was such a decent, together, emotionally stable person. Awesome. I grieve for her.

Anyway - totally off track.

My friend asked her gyno for a hysterectomy, the doctor agreed. My friend did just fine afterwards. I guess her doctor was really empathetic - and she was a woman.

I'm so sorry for your loss Christina

There have been some oddities happening at my home: Pounding on doors after dark, door bell ringing, door knobs tried, deck furniture moved in the middle of the night, packages disappearing and reappearing opened on the door step, trash cans knocked over, mail torn up and placed on my bench, car broken into and seats reclined (and that’s all), a used latex glove found and then the fun stuff: cigarette butts outside my window and the screen removed. It’s been a slow drip of events over months since brother passed.

I can attest that I am highly intelligent as long as the planets align just right (and only then) but there’s some part of me that refused to acknowledge that this was no silly prank or someone looking to rob us but a sick game that I don’t have the rule book for that could potentially escalate. I’ve lost valuable time and evidence with my head in the sand. I’ve compartmentalized it so much that I told nobody - not you who I usually come to first. And not S. And most importantly not the police. I can’t say why. When I saw those car seats yesterday though the light came on. Someone is targeting me or us - and not to play cards.

Until I can get full security measures in here which will happen ASAP, I’m going to get bear spray and a baseball bat. It’s not safe for me to have heavier protection due to my depression and past actions. I’m going to file a police report tonight and I’ve let the people in my life know. I am trying to shield mom for almost all of this. I am okay. I am calm and cracking jokes like usual. S is very angry, deeply concerned and upset that I took this on alone for so long. I can understand that. Mea culpa. He believes that the best course of action is for him to move in for awhile. Idk about that right now but for tonight S and his German Shepherd are staying the night. Hopefully, we’ll get to the bottom of it soon. I still have a hard time believing this is really happening.

Sorry Sunflower. That sounds really scary. I hope it all gets better very soon.

Christina I'm sending my love your way during this difficult time.

I just messaged you @Sunflower. I'm really freaked out by the events that are going on around your property. Do you have the finances and whatever it takes to install security cameras?

Another idea I have...when I was a teen someone was doing similar things to our house. BS vandalism. I remember that the person kept picking the lock off our garage door, then hanging the locks on the fence of a school yard across the street from our house. My mom would replace the lock - only to have it stolen again. The person finally went so far as to shoot an arrow through our (my) bedroom window. The shade was down; it was thick and stopped the arrow from going into the room, which was a blessing because it could have done serious damage (or killed) had it hit someone. Very scary stuff. In fact- I still have occasional bad dreams about that stupid arrow through the window.

Back then of course, we didn't have cameras to install on private property. But my mom got the idea to hang large signs on the outside of the house that said "YOU ARE BEING WATCHED."

Go figure. It worked. The creepy stuff stopped immediately.

The police definitely need to be alerted.

I have not been able to catch up but I’m gathering that Christina, you’ve had a heartbreaking loss of one of your pets and I offer my sincere apologies for this loss. Many hugs to you

To everyone else I again have discerned things from this last page of postings but I cannot remember now who is struggling with what so I am sending loving, healing vibes to everyone!

I’m sad today so I don’t want to update but maybe tomorrow I’ll check in.

I'm sorry for what you're having to deal with Sunflower, that sounds terrifying. I would definitely let the police know.

I remember when I was a teenager at one point at my house we had some very creepy phone calls come through several days in a row from someone and some banging on our downstairs sliding glass door. Eventually we had the police come over to search the property, never figured out who it was. But whoever they were they stopped after that

I hope you're able to get it resolved so you don't have to deal with that anymore

My condolences to you Christina.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I have not been able to catch up but I’m gathering that Christina, you’ve had a heartbreaking loss of one of your pets and I offer my sincere apologies for this loss. Many hugs to you To everyone else I again have discerned things from this last page of postings but I cannot remember now who is struggling with what so I am sending loving, healing vibes to everyone! I’m sad today so I don’t want to update but maybe tomorrow I’ll check in.

Please try to check in, wfc.

@Sunflower123, that does sound extremely scary. Please do notify the police. Is there anyone you know that in any way could be upset or angry? Often it is someone we know. If it isn't, they are clearly unwell to be doing such things, even if they are a child or children. Your safety and peace are crucial.

I could not fall asleep until late last night and the bed in the rental is so hard that my back hurts. I probably rolled in my sleep, plus Hubby's a heavy guy so likely created a hump on my side of the bed.

I can't go into specifics, but something extremely horrible has happened in my family. We are all frightened, beyond belief. Once even more is known I may offer to return to the US for a short bit, without Hubby, since someone would need to remain here and he's the obvious choice to stay. Plus, if welcomed, it'd be best with me alone. I already mentioned this possibility to my sister. If I do, I will need to make every possible effort to keep myself well enough not to add any burden, but just only serve to help and support.