Bipolar check-in #71

How wonderful that your holiday went so well @wildflowerchild25! That must be a terrific feeling. And HURRAY for the nice psych nurse Remember that even if you were on Abilify and it didn't work out, meds are so random. One that didn't work in the past may just be "the one" that works now.

Thank you for the movie recommendation. I do have Amazon Prime and will definitely check out Bathroom Walls.

I don’t think there’d be much interest and I’ve a sneaky suspicion that the Hardy long wearing set are quite expensive. I’ve not gone yet and I need to start by joining what’s available. I am interested in the rummy and the woodcarving but the woodcarving is so early in the morning. It is really dependent on mum’s PT schedule. They have bridge too but I never learned to play that. The senior center in Texas had a ton of games. Very big center though, this one is tiny.

Today I rearranged my bedroom. I pushed my bed back against the wall. I had it with only the head part against the wall for the past year and I never felt comfortable that way. I feel safer with the wall next to me. So I did a bunch of cleaning and as she always does, my darling kitty Sidney helped me out.

I had a sweet chat with my son, N2, yesterday and my daughter, N1, called David. She's doing very well in NYC, but continues to refuse contact with not only me, but with everyone else in both my family or his (she does have some contact with her brother, thankfully). A woman 37 years old who, all of her life, was given only adoration and love by everyone from both sides of the family. What truly breaks my heart is that my sister, my daughter's aunt, her champion who had held her as precious since forever, asks and asks about her niece. Well, my sister's dementia is worsening. It will be sickening if N1 doesn't see fit to contact her aunt before she is profoundly "gone." It's been 5 years and to this day, no one knows what the heck is wrong. I hold myself together pretty well, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry every single day. I'm so nervous about my 60th b-day, knowing I won't hear from my daughter who, for 32 years, was my very best bud.

I'm pretty sure the increase in Topomax is helping to alleviate my depression and with that decrease, my anxiety isn't quite as severe. It seems there's less of a mixed state...a feeling of being more stable and "in the middle." Oh, my gratitude!

UG, it's dark already. But I can't complain; we had a lovely afternoon. The orange tree outside of my kitchen window is already showing oranges.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I don’t think there’d be much interest and I’ve a sneaky suspicion that the Hardy long wearing set are quite expensive. I’ve not gone yet and I need to start by joining what’s available. I am interested in the rummy and the woodcarving but the woodcarving is so early in the morning. It is really dependent on mum’s PT schedule. They have bridge too but I never learned to play that. The senior center in Texas had a ton of games. Very big center though, this one is tiny.

The center here is large. There are a lot of old people in town, lol. Well, active ones, anyway. The woodcarving here is in the afternoon - and 3 times/week! I had always thought of trying woodcarving, but for some reason it doesn't intrigue me anymore. I'm just so interested in aqua fitness. Do you know what on earth pickle ball is?

Pickle ball is the latest fad. Remember a couple of decades ago squash was all the rage, now it’s pickle ball. It uses a tennis court but a paddle instead of a racket. And a whiffle ball. Mostly played with 4 people it’s supposed to replace tennis and be easier to play.

Hello! I’ve been away receiving treatment for depression for brother’s death. In the end it became too much for me to handle on my own. I’ve been in a great program that has helped tremendously. Thanksgiving was tough as that was his favorite day but we managed. We went to a gathering of 25 people with tons of good food (away from the house) and had a good time. My daughter is in for a few days so that is nice.

I hope that everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving had a good one.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Much love

I heard about the Walmart shooter on the news last night and how he claimed in his note that people were laughing at him and making a mockery and stuff. Then I read online today that he was an overnight shift team leader and a pretty big jerk and kinda delusional. So I'm guessing he was probably just an asshole to his team. I've dealt with that before with jerk managers, and yeah the best way to deal with the stress of it all, is to just laugh it off with your coworkers. That 16 year old though...

Today is nice. Makes me a bit uncomfortable that people recognize me so easily tho. Today is small local stores Saturday. I went to the local book store looking for Minnesota authors. They have a huge section devoted to local and state authors. The woman there recognized me from when I ordered a large print book. They didn’t have who I was looking for so they’ll order it. Then at the grocery store the pharmacy tech recognized me and got mum’s meds before I even got to the counter! It’s sort of nice but I like to think I travel incognito . I’m nice to people, smile at them and exchange small talk but don’t think there’s anything that. Stands out. Unless it’s my smile, I’ve been told by numerous people that my smile lights me up. I think it’s at least 50F out there. Very nice.

We are home and I feel pretty decent. I got some grocery shopping done. I mostly just picked up some hard to find Gatorade flavors, and some hard candy for my hard cardy collection. I need to get bananas though. I'm mainly just tired right now even though I slept decently. I know my next step is the job searching.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I heard about the Walmart shooter on the news last night and how he claimed in his note that people were laughing at him and making a mockery and stuff. Then I read online today that he was an overnight shift team leader and a pretty big jerk and kinda delusional. So I'm guessing he was probably just an asshole to his team. I've dealt with that before with jerk managers, and yeah the best way to deal with the stress of it all, is to just laugh it off with your coworkers. That 16 year old though...

The 16 year old really, really got to me.

A lovely afternoon - 70 degrees, so I have all the windows open. Now I'm going to look around a bit on Amazon and see if I can find a small book shelf that is very, very affordable. I need to clean the refrigerator but ugggh. I don't feel like doing it.

Welcome back Sunflower! I'm glad your treatment has been helping. You were missed.

Black Friday has been exactly what one would expect Black Friday to be sales wise. Busy as all get out, but great numbers!

I had two amazing bits of news from my bosses. One, for actual Black Friday, I netted over 60 phones sold with $1 commission per phone. That's for one day! Also, if I'm reading all of the numbers correctly, I'm closing out the month top of my market! Gotta be doing something right!

Mom and I went to a family get-together for Thanksgiving. My Dad, while invited, declined to go, but, ever one to bring the mood down, decided to offer some parting words about how I could stand to lose some weight (AFTER I mentioned I lost some weight), about how I'm taking advantage of him by not using some furniture he bought how he intended and how I need to look for a "better" job because the phone job is "bad" (for unspecified reasons). Fantastic. And all in form for him.

Sunday service with my Mom today. She wants me to be her ride home, which I'm happy to oblige. After service, I've got a National Theater production of Hedda Gabler queued up on my smart TV to watch. It stars Ruth Wilson, of "Luther" fame, as the title character. Should be good!

Sunday morning, praise the dawning...

A bit of The Velvet Underground to welcome the day. I watched an Andy Warhol doc last night. The last time I saw my sister alive was at a Warhol exhibit she and I attended together, along with several other family members. The gallery had gone all out with the exhibit, not only paintings, but replicating The Factory and my sis and I really got into it, playing around. There was a drag queen show; those guys were stunning! It was a fabulous last experience she and I had together.

Anyway, I guess our magnificent weather is on the fritz. Supposedly dropping from 70 down into the high 50's and rain (which I'll believe when I see it). I dunno. We so need the rain of course, but all I can do is count the weeks until February when blossoms start popping out and the days get a bit longer.

I've been sick for the past few days. I thought it was withdrawals (I had run out of benzos) I could hardly drag myself out of bed. Many trips to the bathroom Now I think it was a tummy bug in addition to the withdrawals (Papa bear now has the same symptoms).

We were going to celebrate Thanksgiving but didn't as I was sick and not hungry. And that is unusual for me

Too much time being bored and sick and too many negative thoughts.

Today is a bit better. I almost felt I was losing it the last couple of days. Running out of meds for two days hadn't caused that before. I did take seroquel for two nights and did not have a rash. So that's a positive!

LOVE to all

Beautiful picture. Thank you for lifting my spirits.

It's been a horrible few days. It's been very rainy outside (and inside it's been hard to shake the grrrr)

It's been a whirlwind, but at least it's been relatively smooth moving through it.

I'm gonna be a bit vulnerable here. More so than I really probably should -- but I am lonely. Lonely enough that I accepted a last minute trip to Florida (expenses paid) to see someone who tried to break up my relationship and then later marriage because they were in love with me. This person wanted to see if we could reconnect after all this time since I am divorced now and obviously single (i.e. a bit lonely). I'll give you the short version -- we didn't reconnect. I was told I was like a stranger and no feelings remained. This really bothered me more than I wish it had. It's been 8 years since I last saw this person, and they spent all this money to get us together in the same place.... if anyone could look at my life now and me and still say they loved me... this was my only chance of that. Well, I didn't get that in the end. Oh well.


I pissed a lot of people off going away for four days but I'm back now and it's all fine I suppose.


Thanksgiving was fine... I'm just in a weird headspace I guess. I guess it's time to just accept the facts of who/what I am and that being alone may be my calling. Things are simpler that way anyway

Happy Sunday to everyone.

I didn't sleep good last night. I got about an hour of sleep after 11. I ate almost 3 full containers of tic tacs. Its a stress relief thing for me. I also had a couple Gatorades. So my stomach and anxiety wasn't the best. I've just had Project Runway on all day. I did improve the quality of my food and I've eaten decently since the tic tacs. I see my pdoc tommorow afternoon and I'm hoping he'll do something to help my anxiety. Although he has been pretty *****y lately and unwilling to help me since our last session. I'm just going to remain calm and stuff while talking to him. Also my first therapy session is on Thursday. I thought it was the week after. So I'll see how things go with this one. I wish things would just get like magically better. Idk. Maybe having a job really will help. I know it really helped me mentally, physically, and financially from 2016- late 2019. I just have to get up the courage to apply. This Walmart thing spooked me. But mainly I'm just procrastinating out of fear .

I'm just kind of all around anxious and kind of sad today. I miss my transference T and also my last T, and I don't think either can be replaced. Plus the 8 year anniversary of my dads death is on Tuesday. I hope my pdoc can do something for me and I hope he is in a decent mood.

Edit: eating with my meds sure makes a difference in how they work. I took my normal afternoon meds and ate a bowl of plain oatmeal, and I feel a lot better. I don't normally eat with my meds. I'm working on eating with them and also taking them at the same time.

I had a bizarre night. My sheet was sideways, my thin hemp blanket was on the floor, my top heavy knitted blanket was as it should be. But it’s got large holes in it so I was cold.

On top of that weird dreams where I was in a two story McDonald’s with hidden cupboards where everyone hung their clothes. I was finished and wanted to leave but couldn’t find my clothes. Then as I was leaving two really thick newspapers plopped on the floor one level down. They were mine but I had trouble reaching them and they were uncut $100 dollar bills. I got the first paper but before I could get to the second a cleaning lady reached it and was cutting up the bills. Then I was in a hotel, very fancy and ultra modern with my news paper full of $100 dollar bills. I was dressed in a lime green overall with neon pink shirt. Ugh 😩 what a weird dream oh yeah, at the McDonald’s they had gates for people to slip though, they were to keep overweight people out.

I feel like my counseling agency is letting me down. My counselor is taking 2 months for medical reasons . She is leaving me with no one to talk to. December and January are the worst 2 months for me. She said she would try to connect me to a case manager. A case manager doesn't do what a counselor does. Will be of no help to me. I am under a lot of stress right now. I have had bad luck with therapists in the past. I feel like this is going down the same damn road. Why do I try? I went for almost 4 years without counseling. I was doing well then my Grandma died. Things have spiraled since then. I am just really spun tighter than a top right now. I see my counselor for one of the last times before she goes on hiatus tomorrow. Boy do I have a bunch to tell her. My depression is creeping back in. I don't know what to do. There has to be another counselor I can speak to until she comes back. Otherwise I might end up in the psych ward again. I will go if I need to. I am not afraid to be self-admitted. The last time I was in was helpful. The last time was back in 2016. I've also been to IOP a couple times. But I am not in that severe of a state yet. Anyone have any suggestions to get through the next 2 months if A therapist replacement can't be found? Thanks for reading.

So we have these two now:

What types of coping strategies are you doing? Have you tried relaxation techniques? Meds can’t fix everything.

Watching TV. I think I can start working out again in the morning. I think the immediate care doctor said to give it a rest for a week. I listen to classical sleep music when I'm trying to fall asleep. It helps me fall asleep but not always stay asleep. Idk. Then theres just the healthy eating.

I do think I could benefit from a med increase though.

So happy to see you

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Hope you and Papa feel back to normal quickly

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