Bipolar Check-in #74

A couple weeks ago a disturbed teacher from my sisters school was suddenly let go because of some issues she was having and my sister took her place. All these mass shootings and stuff. You just never know anymore where it will happen next. I know my mom is thinking of it too.

Ugh. I finaaaaalllly finished my student learning contract for undergrad practicum. only took forever! ha. SO glad its done

I have an interview next week with a highly sought after grad school practicum placement. There is a possibility of a $10,000 stipend which would pay for half of my masters program! I just have to talk to someone and see if I can even accept it bc of SSDI. When I applied for this program I was unaware of the stipend. I am supposed to get a call from a SS lady about it who works for voc rehab. If not, Voc rehab said they will still give me aid.

I really hope I get this placement and can accept the aid!

I am sure that many of us have had thoughts of ending life. For years I was able to cope only because I had a child to look after. I wanted to die, but that is passed.

For now you have your dog, but he is old. Is it possible for you to think of having a few kittens or another type of animal after he is gone?

Do you have a therapist? Is it possible for you to either do voluntary work or get a little more education, so you can create a better life than now.

Take care! Either you feel like it or not, you are valuable.

I had a bad day yesterday because I felt put down because of my mother who alvays has to be the admired one. She puts med down with words and gestures, and nobody sent me a "we understand how you feel" body language. My mother is kind, but her way of being the admired one is not good to live with. It has been so all my life. I often feel confused and full of guilt afterward. Yesterday I had made a Boeuf Bourguignon in spite of headache and my hurting shoulder. My guests said it tasted good, but so it was my mother who made it once again, made me feel guilt.

May be I should be more overbearing. After all she is very old, now. I don't know ... I am the one left with the guilt feeling ...

(I have been at the dentist today. Still have pain in my head. Have found an app where I can keep track of my pain and take that to my GP after I return from Spain).

Mom had her surgery today. It was originally a sty that hardened and didn’t heal and caused a canal to harden. She’s in pain and looks like she has a black eye but I’m so happy she did well. She’ll be 88 next month.

I didn’t sleep well and didn’t take my caffeine pills so I was dragging again today. It could also be my liver and kidneys acting up. The back pain I live with and grin and bear it.

Everybody has so much going on. I’m thinking of everybody and sending good vibes and gentle hugs.

I’ve got a busy week ahead with multiple appointments and events. I’m so exhausted today I feel like sleeping through it all.

I hope every one has a peaceful night and day ahead

Saw the gastro specialist today and he basically said that since I had a colonoscopy less than 2 years ago, they don't need to do another. He said if my symptoms return I can book another appointment.

So - whew! One thing crossed off my list. Next I should get a mammogram (haven't had one for years). Then I need to follow up with a gynecologist about the abnormal thickening of my uterine lining (post-menopause). I had a uterine biopsy a few years ago and it was normal but they have to keep doing it (which sucks because it is PAINFUL).


Had a counselling appointment today which went well. I talked about my friend's death.

Looks like the Celebration of Life service for my friend won't be until summer. Not sure why they are waiting so long.

Feel like I have a sore throat I hope it's not Covid.

But remember, @Samicat, universal healthcare is socialism and we can’t have any of that 🙄

You’re not wrong, the combo is horrible, access to weapons of war is atrocious no matter how they spin what is and is not an “assault weapon.”

I still have bad conscience because of what I wrote about my mother yesterday. It is true that she is very kind, and she is especially clever with small children. I have probably learned a good deal about trust from her.

With that said, she has other traits as well. It is those sides that feels burdensome for me. I have told myself that I have the same right as others to feel troubled when she shows these other sites. No person is perfect ...

(By the way there were more than enough traumas in my childhood. My childhood was not stress free even if I had, at that time, a kind mother).

For the time being I feel so down because of the headache that will not loose it's grip on me. When we are down and sick we are a lot more troubled by our environment then usual and that is OK. In less than I week I will leave for my vacation and here I sit exhausted and full of pain in my head ...

I don't have to see my blood doctor anymore or get monthly blood tests since my level has been fine for a year. She said to have my regular doctor check the level twice a year and if anything comes up I can go back to her. I am so happy. Those monthly blood tests were really starting to wear me out and being in the cancer center with only old people kind of spooks me out.

I just want to go back to work and get a dog and settle down in my 30's. Places aren't really hiring but I'm looking on indeed every day and I'm checking out animal shelter websites about once a week to get an idea of whats out there. My mom said no puppy and nothing over 35 pounds which limits me quite a bit. I'm taking my time though.

I don't know why I'm sleeping so much. Maybe I just really enjoy sleeping and it doesn't have to mean anything. Like when the girl says to Jack Black in School Of Rock "why don't you go on a diet?" And Jack Black says "Because I like to Eat. Is that a crime?" Maybe sleeping is a short term hobby for me or some shyt like that.

I went out today, for the first time in ages. I went to my drop-in. It was just okay. It was nice to get a break from the house and see people in the flesh. Just wish it was more fun. I stopped in at my favorite coffeeshop for the vegan avocado toast. It was excellent.

One of our members had surgery today, was it you @Aurelius710? Eager to hear how it went.

I can't wait to be finished painting and complete our "catio." The catio should be finished today so we can have our kitties go outside without worrying they will be able to get out of fall. We aren't going to let them outside unaccompanied anyway - our female cat is an escape artist so needs supervision.

I love avocadoes!

I’m happy there are only two days left in our trip. I’m having fun but I’m anxious to get home. We’ve been taking a lot of walks through different parks though which is helping the anxiety. Today was raining off and on so we went to the Clearwater aquarium. About an hour’s trip from where we are but it was fun. I just love animals so anywhere I can go to see them I’m happy. We stopped at a park on the way back and discovered it was also a bird rescue so we got to see a lot of neat birds of prey. Hawks and owls and things. We saw turtles and wild birds but no allligators this time! Tomorrow we’re going down to another park with a big lake so maybe we will see some more alligators there.

I must be bothered by something still subconsciously because I had a screaming dream last night. I call them that because in the dream there will come a point where I just get so upset over something that’s happening that I just start screaming. In this dream I was worried about work, they sent me a card and someone wrote a threatening note saying they were going to get me committed. I got frustrated with a kid and I just screamed. Not at the kid, just in general. I get these dreams mostly when I know I’m outwardly upset, like in a depressed episode. But I’m not depressed right now. But I am extremely anxious still and I do think it’s the PTSD as mentioned before so that’s probably what created the dream.

I really wish I could get Xanax. Or Ativan but Ativan makes me way loopier than Xanax. I’d prefer the Xanax. I have a pdoc appt next Monday so I might try to drum up the courage to ask him. I don’t need it all the time but I keep having panic attacks and my paced breathing technique is not helping. I hate feeling my heart pounding and feeling like I can’t breathe.

I’ll be home soon. I just have to survive the plane ride back but I do have .25mg of Xanax for that just to keep calm.

I’ve been sort of down and not wanting to socialize but Went to aqua fitness both Mon and today. Didn’t feel like being around people on Easter so stayed home. The weather has improved greatly, Sunny and warm. So that has helped a bit. Then today was the Easter dinner for the 500 club, seemed mean not to go, so went and I had a good time. Feels very artificial to talk to others but still it did help a bit. It’s not yet at the point I’d tell my pdoc anything, but I do fantasize about ending it. But that would just hurt too many people so it’s just a longing not to deal.

It’s was high 70s here today and we took a nice walk at work. I got my
Honors graduate cords in the mail
Just now. Woo! 24 days!

I was doing perfectly fine until I ate a can of tuna around 1 this afternoon. I had this like major anxiety attack because I felt so sick from it. I shoveled in Zofran, Advil, my stomach med, my Geodon, half a valium. I'm feeling somewhat better

If anyone has seen Keenan And Kel and the episode where Kel goes "I dropped the screw in the tuna can!" And he has this full blown meltdown, that was how I was.

I have to pack for my trip tommrow. I'm a light traveler and I just throw my entire med bottles in my back pack in case of an emergency and some clothes and my toothbrush and thats it.

Whew! After several hours of work today (including two screw-ups that I had to do over), our patio is finally cat-friendly! I placed a 1-foot-high tough black plastic mesh across the black bars all the way around the bottom, and followed up with a 3-foot dark green wooden lattice. My female cat inspected it and couldn't find a way out so that's great. We are only going to let the cats on the balcony when we're out there anyway.


I'm hoping it looks decent enough that we aren't going to get flak from our strata council. The barrier I constructed is very low-key and you'd have to look hard to notice it. It's at the back of the building anyway, where nobody ever goes except the gardeners. There is no path. So I hope nobody bothers us about it. *Fingers crossed*

Thank you everyone for thinking of me. The surgery itself went about as well can be, but everything around it was a show.

They got me in after a bit of a delay, but it was the "recovery" that pissed me off. Five and a half hours sitting in essentially an ER berth waiting on them to decide to clean the room. Or get a bigger bed as I'm a bigger guy. All of that waiting while being forced to lay on my back in the undersized gurney with a fresh incision and dressing there and tubes coming out of the dressing as it is one of those fancy wound vac dressing.

Once I finally got to the room, it was a game of pain management and positioning while coming to a realization that the muscles cut in the operation were ones I used for nearly everything, particularly getting myself up from a flat position, bending over and even lowering myself to my surprisingly low toilet and recliner (the two big stops tonight).

For a little while, I'm going to utilize the recliner for sleep as well as lounging about. A lot less pain.

Am up with pain in my side keeping me awake. Will this stomach ordeal EVER be over? It's just usual that i can sleep thru illnesses, but not this one.

@Aurelius710:

Thanks for checking in and glad to hear the surgery went relatively well, tho there were some obstacles. I hope you can sleep in your recliner. Recliners can be quite cozy! Bravo for making it thru the surgery! You rock!

I hope you can sleep in your recliner.
bizi

Ahhh your in my ole stomping grounds. Hope your having a good week

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I applied for a part-time job at McDonalds, I passed the sreening, so they will contact me to set up an interview within 3 business days

It's gonna be hell on my social anxiety if I get hired but I feel it will be good for me in the long run. And I really need a part-time job to start getting experience

Cat-proofed balcony:

Note: the upper railing is quite high and kitties would not try to jump on it, however we are only on the 2nd floor and there is grass below, so even if they fell they would be okay.

But we are only going to have them out there when we are out there.

Winter is over! It was +30C (+85F) today. The snow is gone. I had hoped to go into my drop-in again but i didn't have the energy. I made it to the mall for dinner and a few things.

I'm hoping this will be the year i make it thru with no (hypo)manic episodes. I've already made it thru Easter and lots of years i was HM then. So: so far, so good.

Hope everyone is well and that it's quiet on the forum because everyone is enjoying the nice weather and not because they're struggling.

@Aurelius710:

How did the first night sleeping in the recliner go?