Bipolar Check-in #75

Some days I’m easily
Annoyed.

Today is that day.

I am not myself these days. I don't feel great and I spend all day in bed or feeling restless. There's literally no in between. Today I have felt better than most other days. I may need an adjustment in my bipolar meds but I just don't trust my doctor enough to even tell him how I'm feeling. I'm doing myself a disservice I know, but after having some awkward conversations with him, I'm happier just telling him everything is fine and going on as is. I guess I should explain my apprehension -- my current psychiatrist isn't the one who put me on the meds I take now, so he isn't exactly happy with my cocktail -- but they have been working so we use it. I'm afraid if I give him too much reason to think they aren't working he'll want to try something else and I'm not ready for try my 1000th med combo. I'll probably just have to grow a pair and come clean to him about it not working as effective as in the beginning. We'll see.

This is the first time in about two weeks I've been able to actually sit down and reflect some. IOP has been very difficult for me to even pay attention. It'll wrap up in the coming weeks and I'll go back to therapy once a week. We're gonna focus on traumas and boy and I not wanting, but know I need, to do that. It's a lot to process.


I'm feeling pretty alone these days. Wish I had more friends online and in real life to just relate with.

Happy anniversary Soupe du jour!

I’ve always been glad to have my son get older so he’s less dependent on me for things. I never did well with a baby and small child needing my constant care. Now that he’s older he can get his own food (I do still provide meals don’t worry), he can stay home alone for short periods of time, he can take his own showers (with encouragement, he is a preteen boy after all), he can take his own allergy medicine.

But man am I starting to get sappy. CR will be thirteen in six months. It really hit home this weekend when I realized his clothes are too small and he needs new ones. Thing is he’s in the largest size of kids’ clothing so now he has to wear adult men’s clothes. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but It’s just like a punch in the face. I can’t believe he’s already this big. How long do I have before he stops wanting to hang out with me or talk to me? Sigh. It’s all part of being a parent I know.

Today we set up our fish tank and got some fish. We got a couple of schools of tetras and some gouramis. They’re all very pretty. I’m happy to have a fish tank again. My first husband had a 75 gallon cichlid tank. I gave it away to my friends when he died. They still have some of his fish.

I’m not feeling the greatest today. Not terrible but kind of down with SH thoughts floating around. I forgot to put my lexapro in my med box this week so I’ve been without it for a week now. That could be contributing to my slight depression. And also the crazy anxiety I had this week. There was a lot of being convinced either RS or CR was dead. My therapist says the only way to get through those thoughts is to accept them for what they are. I’m afraid to do that because I feel like if I admit the truth then I am inviting disaster. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to get away from this anxiety. I’ve had too much death related trauma. So she’s right. All I can do is accept that the thoughts are there and try not to get lost in them.

Three days of work this week! Then three days next week, but really only two for me since I’ll be out one day for treatment. The year is winding down. I am going to work summer school but it’s only half a day four days a week for five weeks. Just something to do and a little money.

I had a quiet day but i don't mind so much after my active week.

@Soupe du jour:

H@pPy @nNiVeRs@Ry!!!

@Samicat:

Congratulations on your seven pound weight loss! I also find it had to lose weight in menopause. I tried Ozempic for a week and did my best only to lose a tenth of a pound. I was so demoralized i did not continue with it.

For some reason I’m really struggling to post in this thread. I don’t know why just now. I feel overwhelmed by it and by my thoughts.
It’s been a stressful weekend.

I literally couldn’t handle your job lol. Glad things are so so going okay tho

Ohhh kids growing up so fast. Amanda thankfully still was up to spending time together pretty much all her life but I think boys and girls can be different in teen years.

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Christina sorry I just saw your message , I am still here just been busy lately so have forgotten to post. I’m glad you’re enjoying the Diamond painting. I hear it’s a lot of fun. Arts and crafts are great stress relievers

I am still volunteering with the kitties I had a good shift last week. The cat that scratched me and was difficult the week before that was really nice this time. I think she was just scared and not used to her new environment cause she seems to have adjusted now. I go in every Tuesday to volunteer.

I have been spending a lot of time practicing ukulele

My new phone (an iPhone 12) will be delivered tomorrow. I currently have an old iPhone 8 plus. And it’s battery is very degraded from being old so it has to be charged extremely frequently cause it dies a lot. It will be a lot easier to post on here more frequently when I have better battery life once my new phones here tomorrow. Will be nice to have a big upgrade in general but the battery life will be so much better than this which is at 79% maximum capacity.

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Mustachio and Maybelle (my cats)

I’m sorry she’s struggling. I understand worries over her going IP but at least it’s a option if the shyt really hits the fan.

Take good care of yourself and family

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Glad things are going good!
Your babies are so cute!

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Soupe I’m so glad your home. Sorry the trip really destabilized you. Hope the Seroquel increase will not last long. Happy Anniversary

Nammu. My heart breaks for you and the situation your in with the possibility of making a move to a less than than desired home.

~~~~

Again spent hours trying to improve our internet situation. Changing cell phone company would give us more data and an actual ability to make and receive call which is huge and we could use cell data but there is a limit of course. I doubt we will ever get unlimited data from anywhere that we could stream with. We live in the country and not enough people out here for it to be cost effective for a company to offer anything. * sigh*

I know there are bigger problems in the world but I’m having a bit of a pity party for myself is all and I’m waiting to get pre Auth for Stelara Biologic. Something has to help my psoriasis huge flare up and PsA terrible pain!! Something needs to help.

Hopefully tomorrow will be an improvement ?!?!?!?

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Sorry to hear about that!

@Soupe du jour CONGRATULATION with you aniversary!
Many good wishes for you and your husband!

@wildflowerchild25 Hope you will be able to cope with your SH thoughts in a good way!

@~Christina I wish you well with both the cell company and your psoriasis!

I have had a good weekend! Like some of the others here, May is the family celebration moth in my family. I have already celebrated my birthday. We had a big party for somebody else's birthday this weekend and more celebrations are on their way.

I am doing my exercises and have started to feel that they are helping, at least a bit.

To all here:

@Rosi700 I hope the exercises continue helping!

And I hope you enjoyed your birthday and all the celebrations!

I have had a bad migraine this morning so my day was a bit of a write off. It’s just after 19:30 and I’m ready for bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be more productive!

@Rosi700 happy birthday 🎈🎂

My case load is up to 24 folks now. Whew. I gotta meet
Productivity omg

Happy anniversary @Soupe du jour!

And now I have the cold. It started last night but it was just an overnight thing. When I had therapy I felt super tired but I thought it was just from the lack of sleep I've had recently. Then when I got home it just hit me. The same sore throat and congestion and cough my mom had. I fell asleep for a bit but my mom woke me up and made me go eat some noodles since my food restriction has been rough lately. I woke up feeling even worse.

Now I'm very congested and headachy and my throat hurts. I'm coughing but not that much. My mom is worse too today. We swear we caught it from my niece. I don't think we need to do any covid testing. My brother as normal is fine.

So I may have gotten my therapist sick. Hopefully not.

Got a letter from the apartment place to make an appointment to pay deposit and sign a lease. So it’s getting more real.

Went and played mahjong at the senior center. Even less people came than before. I hope that’s just because today was a beautiful day. Next Monday of course we won’t be meeting as it’s Memorial Day in USA.

I'm at the hotel waiting for my breast scans tomorrow. (I'm high risk and get scans every 6 months). Tomorrow I have a mammogram, ultrasound and MRI. It's a long afternoon of uncomfortable tests. Then I'll come back here and spend another night. My hope is to feel up to going to the zoo Wednesday on my way home. I may be too tired; these scan days are stressful.


I'll be so glad to be back here tomorrow evening.

I was home alone for several hours and managed to avoid SH. I used my newly learned coping skills and they worked.

A really odd thing happened earlier this morning. I was having an anxiety attack so I did some relaxation breathing and the next thing I knew I was waking up from an hour long nap! This was after coffee too! I guess the breathing exercise really helped.