Bipolar Check-in #75

I did get great sleep last night. This morning I tried to use the portal to see the same day clinic but couldn’t figure it out. So I tried calling. I was on wait for 8 minutes, talked to one person who transferred me,…..then silent, no your call is important or music, just 15 minutes of silence. So I called back, this time I got further before the silence took over, I waited 20 minutes and then drove to the clinic. At first they told me I’d have to call again, I explained that my phone is a captioning phone and doesn’t do well with silence. So she relented and I have an appointment at 2:40 today to get my hand looked at.

I saw my GI doctor. Based on the high pancreatic blood level and the physical exam he did of my stomach and the questions he asked he truly does think its my gallbladder. So he put me on another PPI I think it has less side effects. And ge told me to try aleeve for the pain. Then he wants to do a gallblader test thing. Then a follow up with him. My mom was really impressed by how throughly he was with his questions and his exam and how he knew excatly what he was looking for.

I got the Aleeve and my new PPI. The Aleeve works pretty well. He said to alternate between that and Tylenol. I still can't eat much though but I'm not in severe pain at least.

I still haven't gotten back to the gynecolgist but I just had a spasm that caused some urinary retention. So I have to figure it out with her. I'm not sure whats even related to the spasms or the gallbladder. I need to ask her.

I have my therapist and also a facebook messanger friend who really want to know what happened today. I'm tired though and I can't seem to think of what to say. I see my therapist tommorow though.

She thinks I tore a ligament in my hand. She really wrapped it! Looks like it’s a broken wrist but it really to keep my two middle fingers immobilized. If it doesn’t improve in a week she’ll have me do an mri and go from there. But when I don’t use my hand not even to rest on iPad on it it feels pretty good. So, rest.

Well, it's been eleven months of mild depression with one month off for anxiety. I try things, but nothing works. Either i stay home and i'm bored, or i go out and i'm upset. Today was another failed attempt to connect with people at my mental health drop-in. I wish i wouldn't go there. It's in a bad section of town and the things i see in the neighborhood are pretty disgusting. The conversation in the drop-in can be pretty grim too. I wish i had something better to do.

The smoke was bad again today. I guess this is the new normal. Poison air.

I'm having trouble keeping my spirits up.

Samicat!

Sorry to hear it. We lived in a bad part of town until recently and it really wore us down. I felt what you said about seeing disgusting things. It's really important to remind yourself that there's a lot of joy and beauty in the world as well. When I would go out to the university I would be surrounded by towering leafy trees and manicured lawns and flowers. Everyone around me looked well fed and cared for, purposeful and healthy. Then I would go home and see the opposite. Balance, i guess.

Awe - thank you!!! This is awesome.

Been a looooong day! Work day was
Only 9
Hours but geez
I’m tired

I'm far from hypo or depressed. I just feel flat. And I haven't felt creative or motivated. Boo hoo!

@Aurelius710 I don't know if I have understood you right, but I want to say this: Do what you do to help yourself, not to please others. Sorry if I have misinterpreted you!

I hope this goes well in the long run!

You are not alone with that problem!

Visited my senile ant yesterday. Felt upset and sad afterward. Today I feel out of energy, have had little appetite, pressed down some food. Have had a lot of sad memories in my head. May be we must allow ourselves to look into sad memories from time to time? May be it's not laziness, but some form of "necessary" inside work that has to be done? I don't know, but I hope to be able to go on with my life from tomorrow morning.

I think so, Rosi, as long as it isn't the only thing thought about. Somewhere along the line, I think I was taught in CBT that we should do such "work", but do it, and then move on.

I started my new med this morning. It pretty much instantly caused a lot of nausea. I took what I could for it. I've been freezing all day despite the heat wave. No temp though. I had zoom therapy. We got the appointments talked about and how I was feeling about them. She asked if I was depressed because of my health. I admitted that I was. She asked if I wanted to end early and I said yeah since my stomach pain sucked and I was exhausted. So we ended early for the first time. It was about 15 minutes early. This was the first time I ended therapy early on my own in ages. With any therapist. After that I just hung out in bed. I dozed off for half an hour awhile ago. I just feel sick and not hungry and I'm losing weight and something just isn't right. I'm hoping the radiology department calls to schedule my gallbladder image test. And that the side effects from my new med go away soon and it starts working. I read online it can take up to 3 days to start feeling better. So I think all I can do is wait it out.

I stayed home today. I slept poorly so i had a nice long three-hour rest this afternoon. It was delicious. But it's evening now and i've been painfully bored. I even ordered up some liquor before i found out it would take 1.5 hours to deliver. Cancelled that. I can get some tomorrow in person. I took some extra Valium just to try and escape but so far it's not working. I might have too much of a tolerance for it to be effective. Heavy sigh! I'm going to bed and if i just lay there, so what.

Mum’s house is cleared out. Got the last three boxes and some miscellaneous items in the car, but in the main, I’m finished. Now we just need to clean the house and put it on the market. We’ve already had three families inquiring into the house. I don’t think it will be on the market for long.

I managed to wrap my hand in plastic and take a shower so I finally feel comfortable. It was so hot and humid I couldn’t eat until I got home at 5 pm. I just don’t do well in the heat. I’m soooo glad I don’t live in Texas any more. They’ve been having a heat wave.

Now all I have to do is get my apartment settled. I bought a hanging kit so I can get my pictures on the wall. Soon everything will settle and that’s when I think mum’s death will really hit me.

I hate when I have clients in crisis because I truly do
Care about them and their safety.

Sorry that sounds difficult. I find the thought of dementia worse than any other illness.

It may well hit you, so remember it's okay to grieve and take as long as you need. People try to rush grieving and it's not healthy. Obviously our loved ones wouldn't want us to suffer but we need to mourn their loss.

There was an attempted mass killing in Canada two days ago at Waterloo University. A man with a knife entered a class and stabbed three people. It was a Gender studies class, so his attempted murder is being treated as a hate crime.

However, nobody was critically injured or killed. Canada has gun control, and military-grade assault rifles are illegal. Imagine how different this crime would have been in the US. Parents would be crying on the news over their dead children.


I really just don't understand the mindset that everyone has the right to enjoy owning an AR-15... but not the right to go out in public and and shop, go to school or work and feel safe. I have cousins in Texas and California and I pray for their safety and that US citizens can bring in gun control.

I hear you. The ridiculous augments for weapons of mass killings floor me. Nobody is trying to stop hunters but you can’t use AR-15s to hunt. I’ve often thought if I had the money I’d move to a different country. I don’t recognize this America any more.

My son and my daughter are coming for dinner tonight. It’ll be the first time in months I have all 3 of my babies under the same roof. I can’t wait!

Samicat and Nammu, I think the gun craze in the US has grown into something extremely sick. Like a sordid addiction that was created and stoked by greed and propaganda on the part of lobbies. Also conspiracy theories.

Truly, living in the European country I do makes for a much safer and peaceful environment for me. Less fear and even less anger. Parents here don't fear having their children walk to school alone (or even just be in school) or play outside alone. Themselves, either.

@Nammu, it will be good when we can finally more thoroughly start our grieving processes. My father's house also had pre-listing inquirers. Some showing up at inappropriately early times. My dad's has been on the market for just over a week. I don't know how many offers so far. Sadly, my sister and I are not talking right now. I will likely not be consulted on that, despite being entitled to 50% in the end. She will need to involve me for the buyout of the other property. She wants to buy ME out of that. She can't name her own price, against my objections, on that part.