Bipolar Check-in #75

Thank you for your answer, but what I meant was that perhaps it is so that we have our days when we are so overwhelmed that we don't remember to use our tools. I meant that we shall not beat ourselves up if we have happened to have a backlash. We became so stressed out that it has become too much. It was not only the visit at the house for people with Dementia that stressed me out, but that I pressed myself to visit my ant when I was already was tired. I have pain in my muscles and had that before I visited her. I called my mother afterward and she rejected all the solutions I had to offer (I mean we cannot make my ant well again, but we need to support each other after visits at the "Dementia House").

One of my other ants do not understand how sick the demented ant is and make all of us others feeling sick about the split around accepting or not accepting that things are as they are with my demented ant. I do understand that my mother is tired as well, but when she answerers me that everything is tried (to not fight over this topic), I got a lot of old memories triggered. Because this is how I have felt the last 50 years; that I am never taken seriously by my mother. We don't have a tradition for listening or to disagree respectfully (if that is the case) in my family ...

It was the feeling of floating alone in my own boat without being noticed by others that became too much to me (I always try to discuss in logical ways when I try to discuss something).

Sometimes that happens that we experience backlash (I mean all of us) and then we are unable to do something about it because it is clinging to us like syrup. What I meant was that we cannot to go on before we have noticed that we sit in the syrup. When we are able to notice that so it is, then and only then we can start to use our helpful psychological tools again. Perhaps that was what you meant @Soupe du jour?

Because of pain in my muscles all over my body and an inflammation in one of my shoulders, I felt almost as if I was embraced by depression this morning. It is a little bit better now because the sun has started to shine. Sunshine helps one to relax and then to think. When thinking is freed, we are able to rethink how to solve for ourselves the problems we are facing.

Thanks for caring!


Yes, it is a terrible disease. Someone you love changes until it is only the body that looks like before, but the inside is gone.

When you have a person suffering from Altzheimer or one of the other illnesses in that category in the family, one becomes scared as well, because one never knows if this is the way oneself will end up one day.

@Nammu and @Soupe du jour


Yes, I think that to be able to go through a grieving process is very important and not to be avoided. Let it come. As time passes you will heal.

It will take me 6 weeks to overcome this depression!

Here I am again. I only want to tell that I have pointed at myself and said: "You know what to do, start doing it!"

I am writing this to be able to go back and watch the progress, and I want you, my fellow-sufferers, to understand what I am taking about when I say that I am in week so and so.

The case is I looked into old papers I have written about how to defeat depressions with tools known to me. According to these old papers, it takes me 6 weeks to work myself out of depression. May be it takes more time now since I am older, but it helps to have a frame. I have printed out two calendar pages and numbered them to keep track. The goal is to work against my depression (CBT and more) for the next weeks. That means that I will not be well before the 12th of August.

For those interested I will disclose some of what I wrote to myself some years ago.

Week 1: Don't get frustrated if you feel it goes slow. It is how it shall be at this stage of your life.

Week 2: It still goes slow, but if you work with your tools, you will slowly become better.

3) Congratulation, you have fought for two weeks. Please continue with that.

4) It is more easy to live now, but please don't fool yourself into believing that the danger is past.

5) Now there is more light in your life, but don't forget that you have a disorder. Continue to take responsibility for it.

6) CONGRATULATION, you have reached your goal. Enjoy your life and continue to beat the challenges as they come. You can do it! GOOD LUCK!

(I was able to write this plan after doing a lot of self observation some years ago. It worked then. It gives me hope now that I found it. I hope, as well, that at least some of you liked to read about it).

Am wishing all participants a good weekend!

Thank you, @Rosi700! And I'm sorry I misunderstood your earlier post.

I somewhat understand the pain in seeing a loved one with some form of dementia, or the like. My father had mild dementia for the last few years of his life. Gradually he became a shell of his former self. It was lucky, however, that he still had most long-term memory and still knew me and my siblings, even at the end.

My current depression is being so stubborn. Some days I feel a little progress, but then it worsens again. I don't really have any anxiety with it. It's more a paralyzed and "pure" depression. Nothing mixed.

I finally contacted the online video therapy outfit, asking to sign up. Enough time passed that they gave me an even bigger discount offer. I had contacted my old therapist in southern Czech Republic, but received no answer. Not sure why. Perhaps he's on a long vacation. Czechs get a lot of it compared to Americans. In any case, if he ever does respond and gives me a lead, I can always cancel. The video therapy outfit suggested a therapist based in the UK, which is fine with me. The time difference is only 1 hour behind, versus 6 or more for therapists in the US. Obviously I can't utilize my Czech insurance. Though I do collect US Social Security Disability, I don't sign up for the Medicare part B and don't even know that that would cover video therapy. Frankly, the rate I was offered is lower than my co-pay was in the US for private in-person IN NETWORK (Ahem!) insurance coverage. Of course I don't know how good the online therapist will be. According to them, my therapist options are limited. They mostly employee ones based in the US. Some therapist is better than none.

Oo soupe, that sounds frustrating. I hope your therapist turns out to be a good fit.

@Soupe du jour I hope that you find a therapist that use some techniques that seem familiar to you. If they present themselves with a few words at their web-page, you will easily find out if the therapist is at a level you can identify with or not.

Some years ago I was in a crisis and had to take the first (but not best) therapist that could take me in, if I wanted the national insurance company to pay for it. There was even a six month waiting row. The therapist was a gestalt therapist.

I don't like that approach and it didn't help much, but I felt that it was better to have somebody to talk to at a regular base then to have none at all. At that time I sat home and made my own advises for myself. I knew about CBT and made my own advises from me to me in line with CBT tecniques.

Later I have been able to make my own advice from that time work without a therapist. It is the knowledge about that I have made it before that I hope will help me now.

I had a CBT therapist before Christmas last year. I found him at Internet and I paid for the online-sections of my own pocket. It was good to be able to pick a therapist of my own liking by what I read about the therapist before we started.

(To get a therapist at my place is like being in a lottery if one is going to be dependent on the ones that are covered by insurance. I want to know what I get before I order. For the time being I have no therapist. Cannot afford it. So I use old methods learned in former time).

If you have the money to pay out of your own pocket, may be you can find somebody in UK. I did a search for you. I don't want to be an intruder in your life, but I understand how hard it must be to be an American and not having a therapist talking your own language. I hope this web-page is British (that was what I searched for): https://www.betterhelp.com/get-start...nd=1&gor=start

If you cannot afford to chose and pay out of your own pocket, take what you get and try to do the best out of it like I did when I couldn't chose and was dependent on the insurance. Please give the therapist space to know about your now (how you feel) and how it has been before, before you and she/he can build the necessary professional relationship as a frame to work in together.

And I have to say it once more: "Please excuse if you feel I am intruding". Tell me so and I will keep my fingers away from the PC with regard to this topic.

Am sending my best wishes for you in the situation you are in now!

On a fun note, today's my Friday. After I get off work, I'm not back until the 5th. I could use the R&R! The minus: possible gout. I've got pain in the stereotypical place and it's building. The... punishment my feet took last night muddied the waters a bit as far as finding an actual cause, but gout is a not-unheard of possibility given my history of them. Also, add in the fact I wasn't able to properly take my allopurinol for a long while (restarted last week) due to logistics issues on the pharmacy's end...

I've taken some ibuprofen for the pain, and I'm debating bringing my cane if it really is an attack. They typically leave me relying on the cane for the duration of the pain. I really hope not!!

My daughter and granddaughter are celebrating their birthday today. My granddaughter is having a mermaid 🧜*♀️ party with a live mermaid. They are having it outside with pools, bubbles 🫧 and games. It’s supposed to be 85F today so a perfect day for it. I’m not looking forward to it. The heat, the noise, the people! but I gotta go.

The increase in sleep meds lasted one night. I’m already not sleeping again. Darn.

My eating still sucks and I'm down another pound. I'm getting a frappuchino from Starbucks since I can't eat squat today. Pain wise though things aren't too bad. I think my new med is helping with it. I ordered a ton more ketchup chips from Amazon. I don't even know how it happened, but after the endoscopy I've been craving them nonstop in the AM. Anyways I'm just really tired today. Probably from lack of food. I've been sleeping fine at night and taking naps during the afternoon.

The frappuchino didn't do too well for my stomach or nausea. The next step is for me to just try to sleep things off a bit. I've been getting incredibly tired in the afternoons. Today its a little bit early to get this tired and I've eaten less then normal, I don't think I should be all that worried though. Like about an infection or something.

Hope you feel better soon!

That is good, to not be all that worried! Wish you well!

I have written very much to day, in spite of my depression. Hope I don't make you tired! Writing is for me a way of lowering my depression.

Like we all try to do, I suppose, I am working on becoming better in my mood. I accept a slow recovery over around six weeks or more as I mentioned in my post 879 this thread. It is helpful to me to have a time frame. I become more persistent with a time frame, don't give up so easily.

This evening I have used to read myself up again on depression and bipolar depression and I see that I have forgotten that a lot of my "behavior" is really listed in the diagnose manual. As an example, I beat myself up over being tired, having a problems with concentration, for feeling guilt too easily and more.

Now that I have repeated the symptoms, I will try to be more kind to myself, to say something like this or similar: "You really are depressed, Rosi. It's OK to not be able to this or that because of lack of energy. You don't have to feel inferior in relation to other people. Guilt is your depression speaking" and so on.

For me to rediscover, what beieng depressed really means, was like as if I had found a solution to the worlds problems, something really big to inspire me to take good care of myself.

I had to write it down while I still remembered. (Have never been good to write short).

I stayed home again today and the time has passed much more easily. It is Canada Day here. There are big celebrations in the city. I don't participate because i don't like crowds. Also, i got caught in a mob one year and i haven't gone out since, it was really scary.

I made a really cool play in Scrabble! I've been playing for twenty years and i've never made a play so cool. I was really excited and posted it to my club's Facebook page but so far, in seven viewings, no one has reacted. I'm disappointed.

@Soupe du jour:

I hope your new therapist is everything you want and more. I don't care for therapists myself, but it is the standard protocol to have one when you have a mental illness and i wish you the best in working with someone new.

@Nammu:

Seems we are in sync in not liking rowdy parties. Hope your party passed with a minimum of distress. Sorry to hear your sleep meds are not working consistently. Perhaps once your life is more settled you will have an easier time sleeping?

@Aurelius710:

Hope you get decent pain meds and don't get relegated to using a cane.

@Rosi700:

Sounds like you are being really pro-active regarding your illness. Something is bound to work!

Actually the party was very good. The kids were outside the whole time, having a blast, I stayed up on the deck and talked to adults. After cake which was also eaten outside most of the kids left. So it was just a handful for opening presents. Her ( my granddaughter is 6) very favorite gift was a purple tumbling gym mat. It was very nice.

I had a truly fun day today. Can’t wait to head to Nashville for a weekend this month!

So, good news is I didn't have a gout attack. Bad news is my feet are still hurting something fierce, but fortunately I'm not returning to work until July 5th. With that, I'm going to take some ibuprofen and, very literally, put my feet up for a while.

I've nothing planned tomorrow except Sunday service with my mother, so tomorrow should be restful as well

Is @otroo around? I haven't seen a post from him a while and am wondering how he's doing.

Thank you! I try to live by the reality that it is my answer to take care of my problems of any kind if I can. I have followed the advice from the CBT scientists to observe myself so that I know what works for me and what doesn't. That's why I can use former "advice from me to me" also in my current situation. But to know myself don't make me free from mistakes when it comes to overlook triggers that I should have seen. Sometimes life gives us too many problems to tacle at once. We just cannot cope ...

I was depressed during the whole of last Winter and into the cold Spring this year. I carried the depression with my into my vacation, but was able to lower it a bit through daily walks. It has stayed with me for most of the time after I came home again, not so deep though. I think many of us have been thought to look out for triggers, but often we fail to see them.

It is first now, two months after I came home from vacation, that I have been able to gather old advices together and make a six week plan for fighting my depression and hopefully be able to live, not a problem free life, but a life where the control of my life is in "my hands". It will be in the middle of August then.

Every year I am "downloaded" with depression from October/November - February/March, so I really need to be in control before Autumn this year. My plan is to start using a light box before the Winter depression sets in.


Sending good wishes your way!

So I made it through dental surgery. He had to operate on my lower right, my upper left and biopsy my tongue. The pain meds made me violently ill so the past two days were just rough, rough, rough. It also cost a pretty penny. I’m on a liquid and soft food diet for a while and was told to rest so I have no July 4th plans at this time.

I’ve been having so many health problems that are ongoing and now this dental bit that I’m thinking of skipping the reunion. I’ve made alternate plans in case. Fresh fruit, flowers, the pool, a movie, a massage, a pedicure. I’ll also get the pictures from everyone. I know it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity but I am that sick right now.

I’m in a great mood. Things are good there. I am aggravated that mom keeps touching my stuff and losing it. Going to talk to her today about it. Fingers crossed.

I hope everybody has a peaceful Sunday.

I hope things work out with your mum!
I hate confrontations but this sounds like it can't wait.

There is no better timing as it will be out of the blue from you to her.
I wish you much luck.
bizi

He has not posted since March, hope every thing is alright.
bizi

I feel so far behind here.

@Sunflower123, I hope you feel better soon. I always admire how you make such good efforts for self-care in the midst of various struggles. I should try to do even a fraction of that.

@Rosi700, actually it is BetterHelp that I've signed up with. We'll see how I like it. The therapist already contacted me today (on a Sunday). I think I need a couple days to really ease into it before scheduling a video session. He said he specializes in PCT (Person-Centered Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy). I was unfamiliar with both, but after a short read up on them it may possibly be helpful. Especially the PCT.

I was relieved that my sister contacted me this morning wanting to text chat about just "sisterly stuff", after not talking for a week. It turned out to be quite nice. We wrote nothing about the inheritance stuff. For months, it was so focused on that and our brother and father's sicknesses and deaths. We chatted for a good 1 1/2 hours.

A little bit ago, a policeman rang our bell. Hubby went out there and talked to him about the complaint we submitted...about the criminal outfit that stole the "deposit" we paid for some roof work. He said that we should go to a local police station and more fully describe the crime. They want me to come as a witness, since I was there when the original job request was arranged. Hubby didn't tell them that I don't speak much Czech. I guess they'll find out. Obviously I didn't understand most of what the criminal guy said, but I do know the situation and did see the guy. It was really strange. The guy we talked to seemed to have major breathing problems. Hubby said he was clearly Czech. We almost wondered if he would pass out. Real breathing problems? Or near panic attack? I recall seeing a man waiting for him in a car outside our gate. The name of the person on the account we wired the deposit to was not a Czech name.

Soup, Sorry that you got taken. Thieves show up in all areas of life.
sorry you have to go to the police station to make a formal complaint.
Do that sooner than later while you remember the incident.
I hate getting ripped off. That has only happened to us one time

for shoddy handimans work building us a new door for our shed

in the back of the house. He was a hopeless mess. I met his

wife at the gym and she ranted and raved about his work.

So I believed her and then we had to fire him.
Still paid him some money. as he did do some of the work.
It was taking incredible long, and his work was not good.

WE hired another company to come fix the trouble areas

and finished residing the whole wall.
and painting it. that was 18 years ago. now that side

of the shed is starting to rot at the bottom where the
rain hits it perhaps a gutter would have prevented this
from happening? I guess we could still put up a gutter

to prevent any more damage?