Bipolar Check-in #75

I'm sorry you have the dental pain, and negative feelings about how it looks. Yes, you are lucky that it isn't visible. Please repeat that to yourself. My husband only has half of one of his molars, and hasn't had it fix, to date. Dental procedures are so expensive in the US! They aren't in Czech Republic, though unfortunately it is a challenge to get a dental appointment here. My husband went to one, but they required a two session (2 hours each) dental hygiene instruction first. After two hours of being "taught" how to brush and floss his teeth (he's over 60 years old), he abandoned the place. I probably have a cavity that's not been fixed for over two years.

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get rid of stuff. Another option (at least in New Jersey) is to simply put stuff at the end of a driveway, or the like. Stuff disappears overnight.

Hubby and I watched The French Connection II for probably the 10th time, last night. It was still great!

I woke up depressed this morning. I wasn’t motivated to make a healthy breakfast so I bought an egg McMuffin which is moderate. I wanted a McGriddle which is definitely not healthy but I resisted. I can tell I’m not going to make it to the gym but it finally stopped raining so I think I’m going to push myself to go for my short walk route. If I go out to the end of the main road and back it’s exactly one mile. I’ve told myself I don’t even have to walk briskly if I don’t feel up to it. Just move a little today.

I have plenty of microwave meals that are on the healthy end so a minimal effort lunch is covered. I honestly don’t even feel like eating right now, I really made an effort to eat that sandwich. That’s what happens when I’m depressed, either I binge on chips and sweets or I struggle to eat. No in between.

I really don’t know what’s going on. Maybe it’s just been too long between ECT sessions. Monday I was off but that was due to a bad dream. I felt better after working out. But today I just don’t have the motivation. I will find out tomorrow. If I’m still depressed i might have to step up the ECT again, unfortunately. I wish I could get by with just medication but I’m already on five. I really wanted to try caplyta but my insurance said no.

Oh well. One bad day after a good two months of stability isn’t too bad.

Well, I slept on my foot wrong last night. So I'm greeting the morning with the inevitable soreness and pain. I've got a few hours before I have to leave for work, so I'm sitting on the recliner waiting for the Motrin to kick in.

I'm still irritated about having to spend $40 as appeasement because my competition feels the need to "tattle to teacher" anytime I do something she doesn't like. Not necessarily wrong or against policy, anything like that. Just petty stuff she finds grinds her gears and she gets a sympathetic ear.

That's the crux of it, I think. I expect to be undermined anytime I have a degree of power and/or influence. Frankly, I am undermined anytime I have power and/or influence. From my competition to my dad and cousin to all those supervisors (back in the day) who told me (in one case, verbatim) "I would rather see you fired than get any kind of responsibility."

Is it really paranoia if they're actually out to get you?

Really, really, really GOOD! Be proud!

May be relaxation exercises and CBT thinking can help you with this.


May be your expectations about not doing well enough shows in your bodylanguage. That can trigger those who like to mock others to do some form of mocking. When I have had to do teaching I have exercised in front of a mirror to get my body language to show confidence in myself. May be you should try that as well?

Nothing like going into a gynecolgists office as a dude with a full beard and have them call you by your very male name and have the whole office of men and women look up at you. I wanted to die and my blood pressure was 135 from the anxiety.

The nurse and the doctor were super nice and non judgemental. The doctor did an exam and said it looks like I'm having pelvic spasms. Which can cause stomach and back pain and urinary retention. All of which made sense. She offered me 3 options. 1. 2 med combos. 1. Cymbalta and something else. No way. I'm not going to deal with more meds. 2. Work with a physical therapist and use some kinda device thingy. Or 3. A pain shot. Probably the least dysphroric, least side effect option for me would be the pain shot.

Anyways I'm glad to have an answer but I still have this acid refulx which is a seperate issue and I have an appointment with the GI doctor tommorow. I don't know what he'll say. But I feel like puking right now but it could just be the stress from the gynecologist.

I feel tired today and have had a struggle with myself about doing what I had decided to do this day. I had to slow down and pick very small tasks to do with long breaks in between each task. I don't get what I am telling myself (I mean what is the "wrong thought", speaking CBT?). But I feel that to be able to accept that "this is not my day" and then chose to break doings into smaller tasks is better then not doing anything at all.

Mountaindewed, I'm glad to read that you have some answer from your gynecologist as to what/why you've been experiencing. Having multiple options to choose between is lucky. Hopefully the one you choose will help completely and quickly. As for your discomfort at that doctor's office, have you ever asked if they could give you the last appointment of the day or the first? Then perhaps the waiting room would be empty, or near so. Do you think you will need to continue seeing a gynecologist forever? I'll assume you at least need not get mammograms anymore. Right? I am able to pick my own time/date for my gynecologist appointments. They offer an online scheduling portal. I just go to that website, select my doctor's name, enter a patient PIN they assigned me, then look for the available date/time I like, then book it.

I'm glad your gynecologist and their staff make you feel comfortable. I don't dislike my gynecologist, but his personality is almost exactly like Lurch's from The Adam's Family.

Normally the waiting room is always pretty empty and this was one of the first appointments. I don't know why it was so crowded today.

I don't think I need to see a gynecologist forever. Especially since my ovaries were removed during my surgery. But I can have complications. This was just a kinda emergency and it was suggested by my endocronolgist to go.

The doctor who did my hystrectomy literally did look like Lurch.

My sister also goes here and so even though they can't discuss her they know my family pretty well.

It so dang hot outside I hate it! I wish it would stay in the 70s forever

So agree with you.

That’s very wise.

Had my pdoc appointment. He agreed with me that right now is a crisis and increased my sleep meds. He asked how long till the next appointment and I said two months? He agreed as long as I feel comfortable emailing if I need sooner. I’m just not a fan of seeing any doctors so like to spread out my visits. He did suggest I see someone about my hand though. I think I might have broken my finger when I fell. The swelling and the bruises have gone away but I still can’t use it without pain. It’s my left hand and every time I try to open my car door I’m reminded by sharp pain. Or if I try to pick something up.

I woke up still upset about the incident at the mall yesterday. But around the end of the afternoon i started thinking of rude things i could have said to the girl from the gang who'd hissed at me, "What are you looking at you f_____g b___h?!"

I'm having a nice time thinking of ignorant things i could have said to her. I would never do such a thing, it would be unwise. But it's pleasant to think of!

Man
All
The smoke from
The wildfires is giving me killer headaches

I just picked up my sleep med prescription! Yay 😀 sleep tonight!

Sleep well Nammu!

The first thing I thought of when you mentioned relaxation exercises was Jerry Stiller screaming "Serenity Now!!!" on Seinfeld. Believe it or not, I'm not as anxious as I used to be. I would bottle it all up when I was younger until the pressure became too much, which caused... issues. Now I try to appropriately express my irritation (and other emotions) as they come. It's a huge pressure valve! Anything that starts to build, I have mantras I say. Mantras like the Litany Against Fear, my signature.

I think my thoughts and thought processes are the big driver here. When I was dealing with the toxic bosses of yesteryear, my PsychNP described it as double blinds and gave me an RD Laing quote which illustrated it quite well in my opinion.

In other words, every choice I make to achieve a goal is the wrong choice, but I have to make a choice because not choosing is the wrong choice. And when I inevitably fail to reach the goal, the conversation becomes: "All you had to do was choose! Why didn't you choose?"

I am quite literally given no place to stand, as an employee, a son, a freaking person! I zealously guard my independence (on the job and off the job) because when I get interference like that, I hear echoes of all those people only too happy to cast me adrift in their world of "wrong choices."

It can be really hard to divorce myself from that mindset.

I’m glad it’s better now, but I wish for you a happier life.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I'm growing to like her, despite a slight communication barrier. When I describe my situation (I still must speak only English), I try to do so in simple English and use psychiatric terms I know she'll fully understand. And clear cognates, which I've picked up fairly well. I convinced her to ditch much of my quetiapine IR (Seroquel) in favor of more quetiapine ER (Seroquel XR). Truly, for me the XR is a much better option. Fewer side effects and I think even better at stabilizing my moods. I went from 400 mg of the XR and 250 mg of the IR to 600 mg XR and just 50 mg IR. Same dose of quetiapine medication as before, but different "action". I think the little bit of IR is still helpful at putting me asleep, but once I fall asleep, the XR helps me stay asleep. Last night, I also noticed a decrease in my evening/night appetite, which is another advantage of the shift. I convinced pdoc to make it primarily because I've gained a lot of weight lately, and grew frustrated with the over-sedation. I feel pretty good today. A little more energy.

I should add to the above, that over a month ago, I was on what's my new current arrangement of the "Seroquel(s)", and was notably depressed. However, the pdoc decided to raise my Lamictal (lamotrigine) dose simultaneously with the XR to IR shift of 200 mg. So now I'm back to the original XR/IR combo dosing, but still keeping the Lamictal dose higher than it was before. In the end, I guess all I ever needed was the increase in the Lamictal dose.

I have a history of Lamictal being activating for me (causing hypomania or mania). It's a med I need to be careful with and take with a sufficient counterbalance, but perhaps it was too careful last time, for me.

@soupedujour,

I hope you continue to feel better! I know seroquel xr has worked better for you in the past.

@Nammu
I hope you sleep well! Sleep is so important, it’s so frustrating being awake in the middle of the night. And definitely get your hand checked out if you can.

@Rosi700
You show great insight and I applaud you. Your posts are helpful to me to get me thinking about what is truly happening in my mind. You do a great job, and thank you for the encouragement.

To everyone, I am sending positive vibes out to all.

I took two walks yesterday, a mile each. I felt better after my morning walk. My day was exceedingly boring yesterday as I did not feel capable of leaving the house to run errands. I started to feel down again after dinner so RS took me out for another walk. I told him to remind me in the winter if I’m depressed but don’t want to go to the gym because it’s cold that I said in the summer that exercise helps. He jokingly said he’d record me saying it so he could play it back lol.

Im depressed again today. I took CR to camp and now i’m in bed. It’s under the pretense that I have to charge my phone and only RS’s charger is working for me right now. Which is true. I had to order new ones.

Maybe I should do two weeks for my ECT treatments. I’d rather not as i don’t want to bother my grandma but I don’t want to make RS take off of work either. And what about the school year? I was told my attendance should improve but at the same time I feel if I have dr’s notes it shouldn’t count against me. I did take a lot of time off last year that wasn’t excused though. I left early quite a few times when I couldn’t handle it. That’s what I have to work on. And I suppose it would be better to take off once every two weeks than quit and drown in the winter again and have to take six weeks off or more.

I ate a calorie heavy, not exactly healthy breakfast. I have to remind myself that food isn’t going to make me feel better, I’ll just feel worse about myself. It’s ok to indulge but not binge. I’ll keep the rest of my day on track. I carved up a watermelon yesterday. I got it because it was on sale but now I have an entire giant bowl to consume. I figure I can freeze some though and put it in my smoothies with the frozen pineapple. That sounds good.

Sigh. It’s very nice out today so I think I’ll push myself to go for another walk. I dressed in comfortable clothes today so I don’t have to change. I assume the park trail is still muddy from the seven days of rain we got but maybe if I wait awhile it’ll dry out. I like that trail because it’s in the woods which keeps me out of the sun. Plus woods are very relaxing to me. I am not a beach girl, I am a mountain girl. I’m hoping to go to upstate New York in the Adirondacks for vacation next summer. I told my family I need a year off from planes so Florida is not an option! Plane travels stresses me out to the max.

Feeling at the precipice of I don't know what. I have been in limbo for almost two years, and everything is coming to an end soon. I don't know what I will face in court or what will happen to me, but I have to be grateful that I am of sound mind today.

I haven't had any depressive or manic episodes in a very long time so I should be grateful but I feel empty. I can't control anything and I think that's what scares me the most. I just have to have faith which is really hard for me.

you’ve been though so much. I hope the court will recognize all your hard work and growth.