Bipolar Check-In #76

I think i may be getting depressed again. The mornings have been so sh_!!y. It improves in the afternoon and then in the evening i'm fine. I really should just stay up really late so i'd sleep-in and avoid the mornings. Today marks three weeks of healthy living. It's starting to unravel tho. Last night i had pain twinges in my heart so i've decided to lay off the exercising. I couldn't boss myself into the shower so i just washed my hair at the sink. Good enough. Really enjoying the outdoors and my balcony tho. I have a nice view. Digging this mild Summer weather.

I saw all 6 episodes of "Painkiller" yesterday. It was well made. I think though that they did fictionalize some key parts, like when the founder was coming up with the idea of a chemical lobotomy - I think they were motivated by trying to find another way to control behavior and stumbled on it, but the program made it look like they were looking for ways to get repeat business.

Overall, though, a good series. It put some context around the recent news of a bankruptcy filling that the courts denied for Perdue yesterday.

My friend who I was having trouble writing the card for, passed today. She was only 5 years older than me but packed a zillion lifetimes of living into her life. She will be very missed.

I'm so sorry Nammu.. You've had such a rough year.

So sorry to hear of your loss @Nammu.

You've had a rough year, be kind to yourself.

So sorry to hear of your loss, Nammu. Just looked up your screenname and see that you are named after a Mesopotamian goddess who was a creator deity. Cool.

Yeah, I love ancient history and creationism stories. I once found a book of Native American mythology, so cool.

Hi everyone! I gotta say, the more I get to know my students the more I enjoy getting to teach them. Some are starting to test the limits a bit, but that is to be expected. I had a good counseling session today. It was pretty low key because I am still feeling pretty stable and did not have anything trigger me between appointments. We mainly noted that I seem to becoming tuned in to my emotions.

One think I am keeping an eye on are some depression symptoms and my lack of motivation to eat. Eating, more than anything, feels like a chore right now. I'd rather just spend my day drinking coffee, flavored water, or sparkling water...

@buddha1too I teach a mix of elementary and middle school. Two of my subjects are taught to middle schoolers and then I also assist in a 3rd subject at the elementary level two class periods a week. I give you credit for teaching 11th and 12th graders! I don't mind working with high schoolers in a youth group setting, but my teaching skills are better suited for middle school and under. I feel I teach best with 6th graders or younger.

@Aurelius I hope your mom is doing better since her fall!

@Rasberrytorte Happy belated birthday!!

@Nammu I'm sorry for your loss.

@raspberrytorte happy very belated birthday!

@Nammu I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, as others have said, you’ve had a rough year

I think I’m anxious about work starting again. I’ve had two nightmares about work, one in which I lost three kids and I almost injured one. I’ve also had two self harm dreams. I usually only have those when I’m very upset but I’ve scanned my body and my mind and I’m not. I even skipped my normal PMS depression. Which I’m thankful for. But the self harm dreams were vivid and graphic. Last night I was at college again, lost my books, and had two projects due on the same day that I couldn’t finish for some reason or another. So I ran out of class and got so overwhelmed that I went to the health center and found an instrument and self harmed. They called the police on me. And called RS and I was so deeply ashamed of myself. I hate dreams like that.

I have exactly 15 days left until I go back to work. Part of the anxiety is I don’t know who I’ll be with. Most paras are put back with their original teachers and I so hope I am, my teacher was so understanding about my issues. I never came out and said I had bipolar but I alluded to my struggles and she never judged me or anything. But at the end of last year my principal chided me for my attendance and said vaguely that he wasn’t sure where everyone would be, they would have a couple of floaters and I am afraid I will be made a floater. But I also think they won’t have enough paras for that, tbh. That means they have to staff all the classrooms and have extra left over, and I know we will have seven autism and LLD classes that need paras. I also know my district is hurting for teachers and staff, they had a big job fair yesterday looking for people. So I’m hoping they’ll at least put me in a permanent class, if not with my same teacher. I just don’t want to be a floater, I’ve been one before and it’s no fun having to go in every day and not know where you’ll be until you get there.

Well I’m going go and tend to my cramps. That’s all I got this months so I’ll take it.

Happy belated birthday RaspberryTorte!

So sorry for your loss nammu

Some of the kitties from my volunteer job today

Had a good shift today with the kitties and am feeling good. Been practicing violin 1 1/2 - 2 hours a day. Working on everything my violin teacher told me to work on. Next lesson is this Saturday. Playing violin helps a my anxiety a lot. Also keeps me from dissociating because it requires being really focused and in the present moment. Holding the instrument properly, holding the bow properly etc there’s so much that goes into it so it’s a good way to ground myself. Helps that I love playing and learning. I’ve been taking videos of myself playing so I can document my progress over time.

Don’t have a whole lot else going on this week , hope you all have a great week!

Aww those kitties!

They were so friendly and purring a lot too

So, my mom had her third stroke about two weeks ago. She was sent to a rehab/nursing home and was going home in the next couple of days. She had a fall last night, and they sent her to the hospital, and the ER did a full body scan. If she had not had the fall, she would have been gone in the next day or two they found a large blood clot in her lungs. They performed a procedure and got the clot removed, but her mental functing skills have gone downhill. I have lost too many people, and I don't know how I will be if she passes any day soon.

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I’m so sorry Otroo that’s so hard.

I don't know how much longer I can be strong. My son can no longer deal with time in public without shutting down. H is breaking down several times a day. I don't have a psych team and I'm struggling with my disabilities.

I kinda just made myself throw up. But not like in an eating disorder way. Basically my stomach pain was so out of control I needed some relief. So I went into the bathroom and just pushed on my stomach a bit. But I was too scared to actually do anything more. Thats when I stood up and burped a lot and I felt better. I went and got a bucket just in case I did need to throw up. Just as I got the bucket I threw up in my mouth and I was able to spit it out into the bucket. I do feel quite a bit better now.

My ED frenetic therapist says theres a difference between making yourself throw up for weight loss purposes and making yourself throw up because you are in an insane amount of stomach pain.

I got a call today saying that my scan is set up for September 6th. I'm glad I don't have to wait until October or longer for it because this pain really is getting out of control. Its getting difficult to leave my house and stuff.

I had a quiet day except for a couple hours of anxiety dealing with a financial fiasco. I struggle with boredom. I don't know what to do. I've tried volunteering, meetups, classes, hobbies, and a mental health drop-in without success. I try and be grateful, but the day is long.

Hello @otroo. It's understandable that the loss of your wife is still raw grief. I'm glad your mom is still with you, even if more physically than cognitively, but her cognitive decline is indeed still a loss. I saw that over years with my dad, who lost his full life only recently, along with my brother.

@Nammu, I'm sorry you lost a good friend. Again, too many losses too soon.

@Miguel'smom, have you ever tried reaching out to a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) chapter near you? They have free hotlines you can call to ask about various avenues of support, including possible free or inexpensive therapy, housing options, and more. Nothing is ever guaranteed, but sometimes there are options.

I’m sorry about your friend Nammu. My condolences

I’m sorry about your mom. I’m glad they were able to catch what they did when they did. You are in my thoughts.

I have an incredibly busy day today so it’s good that I’m in a great mood and energetic. I’ll get to float today but it will be around 7 tonight. I’m content and peaceful right now.

This weekend, my daughter is coming in and my family is helping me clear out 3 huge storage units of items and personal stuff from the home I maintained before I moved in to help mom and brother. It will be hard to part with that stuff because I have many beautiful things - rugs, antiques, specially made decor, misc. It’s been there for many years now and the rent is astronomical. Time to let go.

I’ve been calling around to locate a new psychiatrist. So far no luck. Since mine is retiring, I guess there are a lot of patients looking at the same time. If something doesn’t pop soon, I’ll start looking in a two hour radius of here.

Going to the dentist after bible study to have a cavity filled. He doesn’t have nitrous oxide. Uh oh. You’d think that someone who endured 22 hours of natural labor without pain killers wouldn’t bat an eye but alas those needles get me every time.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day

^ the novacaine needles are massive but I'm always surprised how they don't feel as bad as shoulder shots, in my opinion