Bipolar Check-In #76

I was on Indeed last night and I found the perfect job. Everyone is telling me not to work until I get my physical issues under control. Even my pdoc who really wanted me to go back to work is telling me to wait. I know I've been having a lot of issues but at least my anxiety is good enough so I can see whats out there without panicking like I used to while job searching.

Financially I'm fine and insurance wise I'm fine. I'm just totally bored and I feel like a free loader.

I've been up since midnight. Makes sense with how much I slept yesterday. I'm trying to avoid falling back asleep now and I'm suprised I haven't given myself a heart attack.

My psychiatrist recommended a nutritionist the last time I saw her. I kind of rolled my eyes, but only because finding any form of doctor or other support here that speaks English is challenging. My therapist is an online one from England. I suppose I could look for an online nutritionist, too. Feeling more held accountable does help motivate me to stick to such efforts. I have been to a nutritionist about 10 years ago, when still in the US. She put me on a diet plan which helped me lose almost 40 lbs in six months and normalize all of my blood test results. I did maintain most of that loss for years, but was never keen on that diet as it was low carb and I always felt my diet was not well-rounded.

Well my blood pressure is 131 and I've just been lying in bed watching TV. So I guess the 4 glasses of coffee and 2 Mountain Dews were a bit too much. Tbh I don't have much anxiety. Just feeling kinda woozy.

Hope you’re able to find something that’s a good fit! I also feel similar about the feeling like I’m not doing enough. I’m also trying to find a part-time job, it’s been difficult to find one though, but hopefully I can get one eventually. In the meantime I have my volunteer job which is going well. Good luck!

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Hugs to Soupe, Jane, and anyone else struggling and just hugs to everyone in general

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Congrats! that’s great progress

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I had my violin lesson yesterday. It went well. Basically I’m getting re-familiarized with the fretboard, working on the G major scale, the e minor scale, and working on playing Carol of the Bells which is one of my goals to play that all the way through well by the holidays. Learning about the circle of 5ths which is a music theory thing. Some of the songs I’m working up to over the next several years are several classical pieces including Summer from the four seasons by Vivaldi, various others, and many Lindsey Stirling songs. It will take a long time and a lot of practice but I’m excited. I’ve been practicing 1-2 hours a day daily.

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I did keto during lockdown and that’s definitely not well rounded.

I’m still eating carbs every day but probably less than when I started this eating plan. So it feels more balanced. I like that it’s a slow drop. Probably less chance of rebound.

My weight is like a yo-yo according to what meds I’m on. I see my pdoc next month and I’m going to insist no meds get changed this time.

I'm feeling a little better today. I'm more accepting of my depression. Well, that's just life with bipolar, i tell myself. I have a new challenge: budgeting until payday. I've had some unexpected charges this month and it's rice and beans from now on. Luckily i have some cash for the bus and for laundry that i can fall back on. It's exciting now but i bet in a week i won't be so happy about it. It's bad timing because it's my birthday tomorrow, but c'est la vie!

Happy birthday Jane!

I think your attitude toward your depression is the best one to maintain albeit probably one of the hardest. One day at a time....

Happy birthday for tomorrow @JaneOnceMore

My shoes were supposed to be delivered yesterday. Then the tracking info said "pending" late last night. Idk. I'm worried someone from Fedex stole them. These are pretty hard to get shoes and I really want them.

My sister said not to worry since the tracking info also says Delivery status: in transit. Which she says is good.

Its just one of those nights for me. Probably since I slept badly last night. My sister and bil are asking my mom to watch all 3 of the kids on a weekend in September while they go out for their anniversary. They do ask quite a bit of her. So much that I've scaled back on going out so I can give my mom a break when shes not dealing with my sister several times a week. Idk. I just worry about her.

@JaneOnceMore Happy Birthday 🎉🎂🎁🎈🎊

happy happy birthday and many more!

Happy Birthday, @JaneOnceMore! I hope you treat yourself to something nice.

Happy birthday, Jane!

I CANNOT SLEEP!!!!!

It's driving me crazy 🤪

Happy birthday, Jane!

Happy birthday Jane!!

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I managed to get a job interview at Burlington, it’s on Wednesday. Hoping I get it. It’s for a part time position. I believe it’s just stocking and cashier duties. It’s in the same plaza the place I volunteer taking care of the cats is. Anyway, I’m really hopeful to get this. I’ve been trying to get a job the past 6 or so months and haven’t heard anything back from any of them except Burger King and I didn’t get that position.

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Fingers crossed for you.

I hope you get it.

I'm so sorry that your family is causing stress for you, @Soupe du jour! Take things one at a time and step back from the situation to gain some perspective.

Happy birthday @JaneOnceMore!

My anxiety is back in full force. I had a long and slow panic attack last night and this morning. Breathing only helped for a few minutes. I'm trying to remember how I felt without the anxiety to try and get back to that. Maybe it's temporary due to lack of sleep and missed meds over that past couple of days.

Happy birthday @JaneOnceMore !

Good luck @Blue_Bird I hope you get the job!

Had ANOTHER dream about a student getting gravely injured under my watch. Good lord I hope when the new school year starts these dreams stop! I think they will once I get back in the swing of things.

CR and RS both went on the fishing trip on Saturday. CR ended up with the winning fish and won $190! He promptly bought himself some AirPods. I refused to get them for him because I do not think he’s responsible enough for something so expensive (he’s had a lot of trouble with his iPad!) but if he wants to buy them himself, no problem. I did pay for the protection plan. It was $30 which is worth it bc they replace them if they get broken somehow.

I’ve fallen off the wagon as it were with my diet and gained 2lbs. But today I recommitted to my goal and had a smoothie for breakfast. Planning on the rest of my broccoli for lunch. Yesterday we cooked up the fish CR caught for dinner. We don’t usually eat fish because RS doesn’t like it but as he pointed out, he’s a big boy and can get himself dinner so I made it for CR and I. Flounder, a nice mild whitefish. Did some garlic lemon butter and dill. Probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten in days. Oh well, stumbles are to be expected.

I stayed on track with exercise though. Today it’s hot, too hot for a walk so I will be going to the gym after lunch.

I laid in bed until 10:45 today! It’s an attempt to combat the boredom of the day, not like I don’t have anything to do. Must do some picking up around here. And I’m almost done with Harry Potter again.

Im having random self harm urges today, again because of boredom and I also feel bad about myself because of the weight gain. It’s just a habit ingrained into my mind after 20 some odd years of it being my go-to coping skill. I don’t suppose it’ll ever go away, no matter how far I manage to get from it. Oh well, it’s my own fault. Im hoping one day to get tattoos to cover the scars on my thighs. It will be quite expensive though so that’s not for a good while.