Bipolar Check-In #76

Well I didn’t go to mahjong again today. Partly apathy but partly because of the heat. There’s an excessive heat warning for today and the next three days. I don’t do well in heat so I have no desire to go and mingle. I do need to run errands but I can put that off until Friday.

What I can’t put off is Sir vet appointment tomorrow morning. I was thinking he seems better then this morning he started bleeding from his nose again. I want reassurance that he’s not in any pain. He doesn’t seem to be but cats don’t show pain much. He does grumble a lot and I’m wondering. I don’t want him to be suffering. He is 19.

My sister is closing on the house tomorrow and wants to take me to lunch. That will depend on what happens at the vets office. But she gets that. She and her husband have had several great dogs. They said the last one was it, they couldn’t go though it again. Plus they think they’re too old for a puppy.

Don’t know if I’m just using the heat as an excuse not to socialize. Avoiding news too, it all seems bad. Watching old, old reruns and reading for escapism.

My shoes came today. Maybe Fedex just doesn't deliver on Sundays. They fit and look great.

Last night I was in this odd achy dull pain and I was almost in tears because of it. The pain went through my upper right side of my stomach, down my right side, and down to my hip. I took an Aleeve and then I slept until 3:30 and then I stayed up until 5 and them I slept again until 6:30

Pain wise things have been off and on today. Saltine crackers help a lot. Right now I just feel full from my metfornmin.

I got out and got some shopping done today and my mom is with my brother at Walmart to do the weekly shopping.

I did take a shower this morning as soon as I got out of bed and I didn't procrastinate. Which is a good thing. I also got some organzing done.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes! This is the first year of my adult life that has passed without a hypomanic episode. I miss the euphoria but not the chaos. It went much more smoothly. I spent the day quietly. My mom gave me the best birthday parties. I guess i'll just be happy for those.

Hello all, been a long time since I posted here. Everything's been so stable that I kinda forgot what not felt like. But here I am, slipping and trying not to slip, leaning on the meds and trying to not let the late evening gloominess spread. I seem to do fine during the day, but as evening creeps around, those self-derogatory thoughts start oozing their way into everything and I just feel so useless and burdensome. I know those are pathways to very dark places, but it take so much effort to push back against them; like cold molasses coating everything.

Its odd because most of the news and events of the past few months has been positive stuff, but its just not making a solid dent in the color of my thoughts. So tired... Its been years since I've been in this state of mind, feel defenseless almost. Really, I just don't have time to entertain this thing, but I don't think its asking permission.

Anyone successfully fight these things off, I don't have six months of leeway to wallow in the gloom!

@wwff

nice to see you again.
Welcome back.
I am sorry that you are having glooming thoughts wish I could say more....I run on the more manic side. BP1
I hope you start feeling better asap.
bizi

Hi everyone. I'm in this weird state of somehow feeling very stable while also having certain depression symptoms. My psych gave me permission to try a higher dose of risperidone if I felt I needed it, but I'm not sure that would do the trick since they are depression symptoms. No med seems to be able to help with these. I'm noticing I'm emotionally overwhelmed so that probably has something to do with it. Even before my diagnosis, I struggled with these symptoms so maybe they are just going to be part of my day to day life. During the day, I'm mostly fine. It's the mornings and evenings that are tough-right now, the mornings are the toughest of all.

A highlight is that it is currently raining! This doesn't happen much where I live so it is nice to hear the light rain out there. Since the rain often makes cars dirtier here, I'll probably need to get a car wash tomorrow. Oh well.

@JaneOnceMore Happy Birthday! And, thank you for sharing about being more accepting of your depression. I am currently working towards being more accepting of my Bipolar Disorder symptoms so it is nice to see others have done it :-)

@wildflowerchild25 back to school dreams can be brutal! I hope they go away for you soon.

I snuck out of work early today. I don’t have any afternoon classes on a Tuesday. Felt super guilty. Not sure it’s worth it. Kept checking work emails to see if anyone had emailed me. Nope. If they had of I’m literally a 5 minute walk because I live just around the corner. I hate the school I teach at. Still no excuse to go home early.

Increasingly, I wish I could run away. I feel embarrassed a lot, and ashamed. I know it's my issue to work out. I just wish it was easier. Knowing what I should do doesn't make me do it. I often use the excuse that it's like I'm a magnet and everything I should be doing is another magnet of the same pole. I don't want to get to the point of "disciplining myself", so to speak. In the past, when in a mixed state I would slap myself across the face or even bang my head against the wall, literally. An irrational act. It never did any good. I know that people around me see that something is amiss with me. Of course I am sad about that, but do not blame them. It is a reality.

My psychiatrist said that if I need a major medication change that it would need to be done in a hospital. My therapist even asked me if I think I might need hospitalization. I don't think I'm to that point, plus I would be mortified to have to go. I'd be there all alone, not understanding. Alone. That itself, I think, could trigger a worsening of my situation. It might not be what hospitalizations occasionally seemed in the US. A reprieve or escape, of sorts.

I'm glad I have the therapist. He and I will work more on the grieving process.

I’ve been continuing my work on getting my life back together. It only came to my attention in the past month or so that I had been using brother’s passing as an excuse to give up and quit participating in life. Things have deteriorated. Mom has finally agreed to finish settling his estate, selling his truck and cleaning out his room. That will be a good start.

I haven’t put in much work at all to find another psychiatrist. I’ve been told no several times now. Not taking new patients. I’ll make a list and do some mass calling today.

I was able to watch the sunrise over the ocean in Panama City Beach today live via phone and watch jets arrive and depart from Stuttgart airport in Germany live. What a treat!

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

@Soupe du jour


Hi Soupe, It's good that you get help with your grief from a therapist. You have really had a hard time with the loss and what followed afterward.

I just pupped in today and saw your post. There were something in it that made me feel for answering you. By the way; I feel almost fine, much better mood and with belief in the future.

I do understand that you don't want to be an inpatient in a land where you don't understand the language well enough. But you being afraid of dong that, made me think of a tool I have seen to use for people going at vacation without knowing the language. It is a little box, almost the size of a Mobil phone. It speak languages and is used this way: One speak one's own language into the box and so the language is translated into the foreign language.

If it is possible for you to use such a box, your feeling of being isolated will probably disappear. If your husband calls or visits at regular times, you are not left alone.

May be the check republic have their own procedures for shifting meds that are just as good as the American way. With the patient inside the hospital it is much more easy to observe the effects on the patient for the doctors and nurses. Besides some of these hospitals are far out in the countryside and will give you wonderful experiences with nature.

I wanted to write this because may be a hospital in the Check republic is different then in America and may be that difference turns out to be positive.

If this is the way they shift medications in Chekkia, and you really need a shift, may be that is the best. I think I understand your frustration, but perhaps it is worth thinking about? Use CBT to choose between alternatives, take your time and stick to your decision when it is done.

For the little "translate machine" try different search words like "translate language on your vacation" or similar.

I searched for a psych ward in Prague, and look what I found, a hospital with beautiful surroundings. Remember being an inpatient is not about being in bed all day. It is also about sharing meals, participate in fun evenings, go for walks in groups, do something you like with your hands ...

Psychiatricka nemocnice Bohnice

Send my best wishes for you either you chose this or that! I don't want to intrude, but I like to give information if that can help others on their way. People always choose for themselves!

I went out today to run errands. I slept ok and my pain was managed so I was able to go and do some stuff. I didn't have any anxiety. I didn't pay much attention to my surrondings and no one paid any attention to me. I think I've been subcounsioly taking hints from the TV shows I watch. So my outfits look more put together then they used to be. I also watch commercials to see what colors people seem to be wearing a lot of. Then I have my new Nike panda dunks. Idk. I'm just trying to blend in.

Anyways currently pain wise things arent that great and I am terrified about getting shots "down there." And the blood boil I had on my the bottom of my foot in summer 2021 came back. This time it hurts.

But my overall mental health, paranoia, can't leave the house, anxious for no reason, anxiety is a lot better.

My metformin seems to be working. I haven't been too hungry today. Kinda heavy on the soda and coffee but still under 1200 calories. Which is way below what my calorie goal is supposed to be according to my therapist. Idk but its tough to hear her preach to me about healthy eating and getting the correct calories in when shes drinking a large chocolate peanut butter smoothie during our session.

I've been having some tremors and they've been getting worse lately. It has just recently become more easy to get a clozaril level drawn so my pdoc ordered one and I had it drawn yesterday. It came back today as "urgent". 300-600 is normal; mine is 1376. So I'm going to be lowering my dose. I already was lowering it so we're going to get a week of that reduction in then reduce again and then probably again after I see my pdoc in Sept. She said she suspects I have been high for a long time and just adjusted to it. So I may actually be feeling much better soon. I have struggled with low blood pressure and orthostatic hypotension for several years. I am really hoping that this will fix it. My labs that are monitored when you are on clozapine have been good consistently so that's very good.


On the other hand if you are on clozapine I do not recommend looking up toxicity. Ugh.

My sister took me to lunch today. She had to come for the closing on the house. The money is in the bank. Now it’s just waiting to hear from the lawyer and paying the last of the bills. The yard man, the utilities and then I get my inheritance. I’m so glad my sister who is the oldest is in charge. She’s doing an excellent job.

On the other hand sir had a ruptured eye today. There’s nothing to be done because of his age. He doesn’t seem to be in pain and the vet said to watch for changes in behavior and or refusal to eat.

So so day. I’m staying in because of extreme heat warnings and because of meds I don’t tolerate heat well. On the other hand my grandkids started school today! Way too early.

After having five cans of diet cola for breakfast and being sick all day i conclude i must try again to quit. I'm really scared.

I have a lot on my plate right now. It’s stressing me to the max but I’m
Putting on my warrior
Face

Nammu, I'm so sorry about Sir's eye. That had to have been awful to experience with him. I'm glad he has someone who loves him so much.

@Nammu , so sorry about your cat's eye. I'm sure you're doing your best to keep him comfortable.

I went to Niagara Falls today with my mother. The weather was really nice. It was a nice day, but lots of driving and talking. I don't talk so much in a week!

My anxiety is a little better today, I didn't have to do any breathing exercises to deal with it which is good. So maybe it was because of lack of sleep and skipped meds. It was a busy few days and things are coming back to a regular schedule now.

I'm embarrassed by how much time I have been waisting scrolling on my phone/putting off things I need to do. My amount of unhealthy screen time has increased since I started my most recent online grad school course-it is really tough so I don't really look forward to the assignments, especially since they involve a lot of reflecting on your past...The constant scrolling is also definitely a distraction from things that are currently stressing me out. I'm sure this habit is related to the depression symptoms I can't seem to shake as well.

On a positive note, I had a small, but heartwarming interaction with one of my students today. It's always fun to see the different ways they will make me smile each day. I'm thinking about incorporating a way for them to be able to share current trends (songs, meme's, etc.) they are in to as a way to continue building a positive classroom environment. I'll sell it to them by saying I need there help to make me cool. The idea might be a flop but I'm excited to see how it all plays out!

@Crazy Hitch being at a school you do not like is so hard-the days can feel sooo long too...I'm sorry you're in this situation.

My cousin had surgery yesterday to repair a hernia. Basic outpatient: they got him in (Really quick, I might add, with a week turnaround.) did the thing and sent him home. I'm surprised that he approached this surgery with a level of adult maturity rather than his typical "I don't do doctors!" attitude of enduring unnecessary pain and suffering just to "spite the medical establishment" and feeling vindicated when he can somewhat grin and bear it.

My gripes aside, I'm genuinely happy the surgery went well and he's recovering. Now, if he could stop being the vehicle for family drama for a while...

On my own medical front, I have an appointment with an oncologist this coming Monday. Now, I don't have cancer and my doctors aren't really thinking that right now, but the genetic disorder I have gives me a significantly increased risk of certain cancers (Colon cancer is a big one.) and a slightly elevated risk of others.

To that effect, they want the oncologist to be the central figure of a multidisciplinary team to monitor and treat my genetic disorder related issues. All good and proper. Annnnd... cue the US health care system. Specialists are $30 a visit, which wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't likely to have four or five coming in rapid succession. Labs and diagnostic tests are looking to be a hodgepodge of $30 copays and being on the hook for 50% of the cost. Colonoscopies run about $3000. MRIs run $1000. One problem at a time, I guess.

A new work week starts today. I'd rather it not be boring, but here's to less stressful than past weeks!

Thank you everyone about the support for me hopefully getting the job, my interview is today. I’m really nervous as it’s only the 2nd job interview in my life. I’m hoping to be more confident than in my previous interview with a different place, because I think that was my downfall during my Burger King interview. I also wrote out some questions to ask at the end, plus key points to make about why I think I’d be a good candidate, my good qualities that relate to the job, and am gonna talk about all the volunteer work experience I have and my old temp job where I worked in a factory scanning and processing orders for shipment. It’s not much, but at least it’s something to show I have at least some sort of work type experience. My interview is going to be over the phone.

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Before my interview at 1pm, I have a volunteer shift at 8:30am. So I’m gonna have to head out soon for that. I’ll report back in the next day or so about whether I got the job or not. Part of me thinks no one is gonna want me because of my lack of experience but I hope someone is willing to take a chance on me because I’d be a good employee in my opinion

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Good luck!! I hope you get it!

Having a tough time today. I’m still in my pajamas. I did at least get a line on a possible new med provider. My current med provider will put in a referral. I should know in 10 days. Fingers crossed. I also rescheduled medical tests that I’ve put off repeatedly - vision (it’s really bad - I can’t read books now and write out a check), mammogram and physical.

I feel all alone today. I’m a lone wolf by nature but everyone needs love and support. I lack that in my family. Always have but made the most of it. Today it’s bothering me a great deal.

It’s a beautiful day and I should be floating. I feel regret that I’m not. I’ve done a lot of tapping and meditation to turn things around. Making some progress. I have lots of exciting opportunities available to me if I’ll just reach out and grab them.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Take care

Best of luck. Remember to breathe.