Bipolar Check-In #76

Well I spoke too soon. The gabapentin petered out already. I hardly slept last night. I was so hopeful that this was a solution. Ah well it was nice while it lasted. I really did feel better getting the sleep.

Today lots of errands.

My counsellor said any teacher would be frustrated when I explained to her what’s going on at work. She said I’m not going crazy. Relief. But there’s no solution, yet …

My GI doctor got back to me and he said "I suggest you talk to your primary talk about pain mangement." Jeeze talk about blowing off your patient. But then a few hours later I got a call from the pain clinic wanting to set up PT for this Thursday and next Friday. So that was good news

I have my small bowel scan tommorow morning. I can't eat or drink anything or take any meds after midnight. I'm hoping to get some sort of answer.

This morning was rough but I took 2 valium relativly close together and some tylenol and I fell asleep for 45 minutes and I feel decent now.

The heatwave started in earnest today so i stayed inside all day hiding from it. I ordered groceries and it was a regular order -- i'm up to all my old tricks. I'm surprised, i thought the health scare i had at the end of July would have finally knocked some sense into me, but apparently not. I've read that people who are isolated with poor social supports tend to have trouble changing unhealthy behaviors. I guess it's true for me.

I feel down, but i remind myself that there are people worse off than me, just as there are people better off. I have many things to be grateful for. If my life is less than i want, it's certainly better than it's been in the past. I have my peace, leisure, and privacy to endure my depression in. I can cope in relative comfort.

Here in cajun country the accordion is played in both creole zydeco and cajun music.

My biggest fear at work is that the principal will send me off for an external examination by a psychiatrist to assess my fitness to teach. I don’t have much personal leave left so I won’t get paid. It’s making me super paranoid about her. I’m trying to banish the thought that she’s out to get me. I remember asking my pdoc once how do I know if I’m starting to get psychotic. He said if I find myself getting paranoid and suspicious of people it’s one of my early signs.

In 2008 I was undiagnosed and unmedicated and that’s what happened to me at my old school.

The scan went ok I guess. I had to drink these 2 solo cups of this really gross tasting stuff and then lay there while the technican took pictures every 20 minutes. It was supposed to only be a 2 hour test. And she kept saying everything was going good. Then she came back and she was like "not to worry, but we're gonna have to go to 3 hours because the barium (the stuff I drank) is taking to slow to pass through." She still said everything was going fine but I had to lye there for 45 minutes and then she came back and got an xray and it was ok. Then I had to go to a different room where I had another scam similar to an ultrasound but without the gel. The tech snapped a couple of pictures of my right side. Then they let me go.

It was an ordeal but I'm home now. I joked with my mom I needed a double valium on the rocks. I told my mom the tech kept telling me everything was ok but my mom told me she wouldn't tell me if something bad was going on. Like that wasn't her place or something and that maybe this extra hour meant something.

Idk. The tech said my doctor will give me the results. She didn't say anything after the 3rd hour xray or the second scan with the other tech.

I got a large regular Coke from Sonic and came home and took the meds I could and I'm unwinding. Again it was just an ordeal and boring. I think healthcare workers are supposed to be kind and caring. Like its in their blood. Or else I'm just an easy patient.

Mainly I just want to get that barium stuff out of my mind right now.

@JaneOnceMore

I really liked your diet Coke poem. That's how I feel about my Coke zero addiction!

My pdoc called me back and said it was fine that I went off prazosin. Whew! Thank god. Now I'm officially off it. Next is to get off seroquel completely. Ouch. Having problems with that one, but I will prevail!

I went to the gym today for a training session. This time it was my arms and back. I have tomorrow off and doing legs on Friday.

My anxiety is very manageable these days. It comes and goes but I can cope with it when it's present.

My depression is still around. It's slowly increasing day by day.

I have my ketamine follow-up tomorrow where I'll find out whether it's worth going to a private clinic.

I was extremely bored today. It was really uncomfortable. It's another hot day so i didn't go outside. It slowly cools off after today tho. I can't get the temperature in here right. Either it's too cold or too hot. Cranky.

Hello all! Today was a mix of productive and unproductive. Unproductive because I slept until 5 pm (!!!). but productive because I washed and put away a sink full of dishes. I also cooked and ate dinner- chicken thighs- and before bed had a piece of toast with natural peanut butter. With milk!

Plus around the time when I got up someone kept blowing up my phone. They called 4 times in as many minutes! I just thought it was annoying spam! Good thing she left a message because it was the lady delivering my Ingrezza. I called her back and she came by and delivered it to me.

Sunday is my MRI of my liver. I’ve never been to a hospital appointment on a Sunday except when inpatient or at the ER. I wonder how the parking will be and if you have to pay on Sundays. The traffic should be ok since it’s a weekend.

Hi everyone!

I am finding myself very productive when I am working on something (an excellent change from this summer!) but also procrastinating a lot with things to help me numb out the depression symptoms when they kick in. It's a weird back and forth throughout the day of moderate depression (at minimum) and being focused, on task, and productive. My mental stamina seems to have increased somewhat this week, but once it's gone it's gone. The human brain, and all the different ways it functions, sure is interesting to me.

As I look ahead, I continue to see nothing but a jam packed schedule with not many opportunities for rest...I'm a little worried about a crash and burn happening amidst that. Or, that I'll get used to living off of the adrenaline rush that comes with working under pressure and want to keep experiencing that rush.

But, overall, it was a very good day!

May you all receive what you need. :-)

Have an urgent appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. Full blown panic attack this morning. Like I just wanted to jump on a train and hide from my life. Fine a few hours later after Valium but I’m emotionally exhausted now.

I undersatnd. It's been so, so hot here and it's hard to get the temperature right inside. I went out for a while today which was challenging but mostly I've spent the last few days trying to avoid getting too hot. So of course I woke up hot a few minutes ago at 2:00 AM. I hate going below 77 on my AC but I'm going to have to go down. They say it will rain and cool off today but I also got weather alerts that were were getting a storm in 10 minutes and all that happened was I heard distant thunder.

I can't wait for fall!

So I had my ketamine follow-up appointment today and it looks like I had a partial response. I suspected as much but the result from this appointment confirms it.

So now I can go to a private clinic to see if I can get more of a response. It's not covered by insurance so I'll have to pay for it myself and it's expensive, but if I can get more of a response it might be worth it.

My anxiety is up today, so I'm practicing my coping skills. No reason for it being up that I can see.

I fell off the front porch yesterday (who even does that?!?) and hurt my right leg and tested positive for COVID the same day (not related). Mom is negative at this time. We are working hard to keep it that way. I’m at one end of the house behind closed doors and she at another end. A close family friend is bringing food to two different doors. I usually have a positive outlook and take things in stride but I’m feeling defeated today. I’ll get over it. Just a full week of bad news is all. At least the symptoms are milder this go around.

Not much else to report besides that. I am sleeping again which is very welcome.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Oh, sunflower 🌻! I’m sorry.

The heatwave broke today so that was nice. I got out with my dog and we enjoyed ourselves in the dog-park. The day was quiet and somewhat dull but this evening i attended a ZOOM support group, so that was a bit of mediated company. I gave my dog her meds with cheese as i am running out of pill pockets and i wasn't sure if she would take them okay as she has a sensitive stomach but she ate them and kept them down so i'm pleased. I feel okay.

Hugs to all who struggle!

Whew
I am caught up on my homework finally. I’m learning how to Diagnose!
So glad I saw my gastro doc yesterday. She’s so sweet and trying to help me with my ongoing tummy issues.
I see endocrinologist in a couple weeks
For that check up. Hoping it’s good labs!!!

I am over covid I tested negative yesterday.
I had cold symptoms coughing and runny nose I feel much better now.just cough when someone makes me laugh.
that is all.
bizi

I’m so glad to hear that bizi. That’s great.

Psychiatrist has given me 3-4 weeks leave from work before I’m fit to go back. He’s put me on abilify (antipsychotic). Let’s hope it does the trick!

I saw the physical therapist yesterday. She was great. She was orginally fully booked until Januaray but my doctor was able to pull strings or whatever and fit me in. They wanted me to see this particular one because of the specfic kind of therapy I need and she also specializes in LGBTQ. The PT asked me a bunch of questions and then checked out my stomach and leg muscles. She says I have a ton of tension in my stomach which is causing my pain. She did several tests and said my left side is stronger. My right side is where my pain is at. She said she can help me relax my muscles so I'm not so tense and also help me relax things so I'm not so dependent on constipaton meds. Ultimately the goal is for me is to not be in this massive amount of pain anymore. She wants to do about 8 sessions so I set them up.

I'm still waiting to hear back about my GI scan

I had to reschedule a couple therapy appointments so I emailed her after my appointment and my therapist was really understanding and easily moved several of my therapy appointments around with no issue.

I have no idea how much these PT sessions will cost. I do have good insurance and I can get on a payment plan. My mom didn't seem worried. I know she understands how much this pain has impacted me and how much I need to get back to work and stuff.

I think my vitamin D is helping with my anxiety. And is starting to help with my energy levels.

I've been struggling to get through most days, in bed for much part of them. It's been difficult to respond to the few emails I get. I dropped out of the Czech class I was in, because the pace was too overwhelming. I'm cognitively affected by my depression. The last class I attended made me hyperventilate and quit. I emailed the school asking to apply the money towards a possible October course. They wouldn't, but said I could take a class this month that is two chapters behind what I had reached. That was a Plan B request I asked for. I figure it could simply be a low stress "review" and that if I skip a few classes this month it wouldn't matter.

Hubby arranged a low stress trip to the mountains, a bit south near the German and Austrian border. We're hoping it will be a "Calgon Take Me Away" type trip. Workers have been on our property longer than I can bear and something horribly stressful resulted relating to the recent renovations. I won't mention that, but it's an awful headache and will cost us money we wouldn't have had to pay, otherwise. I'm feeling so discouraged and catastrophizing.

Yesterday my sister wrote me and as part reminded me that it was 18 years to the day our mother died. One of the worst days of my life, and a major trigger for my 10 psych hospitalizations and the loss of my career, start of disability, and ultimate loss of my home, in a sense. I try not to think of death anniversaries. I rather prefer acknowledging her birthday. Anyway, I know my sister is also grieving a lot.