Bipolar Check-In #77

My aunts husband passed a few hours ago. Everybody is doing ok. Just busy making arraingments for flowers and food and stuff. I got a couple hours of sleep after the dramamine and I'm feeling better physically now.

If I were to write an actual check-in, it would be another Boots' extremely triggering thread, and I'm trying to get away from that. Let's just say all is not well. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't feel safe. S says I am now, we're down to a duo for that reason, but I just... people... ugh... I hurt...
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I talk to pdoc on the phone in a bit. I have a feeling if it were in-person I'd be sent for extensive bloodwork, maybe sent to the hospital to be tubed again. All I've had the past three days were water, tea, and the Instant Breakfasts S makes me have (one a day, and I purged today's because he snuck in a little protein powder). I'd rather have her see what happened Sunday and ask questions rather than me outright having to answer "any recent stressors?" with what happened.
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Pdoc thinks my tactile hallucinations are my psychotic symptoms trying on some new clothes and is adding another antipsychotic. Boo. I don't understand why I would have just one psychotic symptom that I've never had before. She's adding a sleep med too, that needs a prior auth.

Having some tests done by my gp for my constant gastro. Can't be good for the absorption of my meds. Hoping the results will be in by Friday this week so I can see if he can give me something for it. It's making work very difficult at the moment.

Well I’m busy. The weekends are mine, and Sundays I completely zone out. Don’t get dressed. Do take a shower and dress in new pjs. But totally isolate that day. This is only Tuesday but for me busy. Yesterday I invited down for a dice game, then there was Monday bingo. My luck was good I won two bingos!

Then today was driving over to my daughters who then drove us an hour north for our annual Christmas shopping. My favorite store didn’t have anything I wanted. Got back home just before dark, in time to unload my back seat. It’s been full of odds and ends the last of my art stuff from mum’s house. Needed to empty the back seat for tomorrow night.

Tomorrow is 500 from noon to 3, then I need to run the car though an auto wash. The thing about not having a garage the birds can got you! Then at 5pm 4 of us are going in my car and the rest coming in Dans car to go play big stakes bingo.

Then Thursday my sister is taking me out for an early birthday lunch. And I have a haircut scheduled

Friday the only thing on the schedule is my blood donation

Then thankfully it’s the weekend. Never thought after years of isolation that I’d be so busy. I must say it’s easier now than when I was younger.

I'm having trouble going out. I got invited to a party next Saturday and i'm not gonna go because the thought of crowds and noise is unappealing. I've been putting off medical appointments for months because i don't want to go out. I'm due for a routine mammogram and i've booked it and cancelled twice. It's currently unscheduled. I just rebooked my COVID booster + flu shot for a month from now. Seems like a lot of us are struggling.

@Mountaindewed:

Sorry for your loss.

I did tell RS I didn’t go to work. He wasn’t upset with me. He’s confused because I am still being social with him and I did cook dinner last night so he doesn’t see it as that bad. And he is correct, it’s not as bad as it has been and could be. But it’s still bad. I feel more like I can face work though. It’s going to be very difficult but I think I can do it.

My therapist encouraged me to schedule ECT for this week but I’m not going to. I already have it scheduled for next Friday. She says because it’s winter soon that I might need my schedule adjusted to every two or three weeks. I hope she’s wrong. I’ll have to file for intermittent FMLA for work again. It’s all so much effort.

I did get in to see my pdoc today. We’re going to switch the lexapro for Wellbutrin. I’ve done well on Wellbutrin in the past.

I talked to RS a little about how frustrating this all is. I’m having very strong self harm thoughts right now. I just want to take my seroquel and go to sleep. The whole day I basically stared at the wall.

I hope the Wellbutrin helps. My pdoc says it reduces appetite but I’ve never had that in the past. So I kinda laughed it off. I know I’m fat doc, you don’t need to tell me to lose weight. I got it.

Well it's been 5 days and we're officially falling apart. I didn't think it would happen this soon. Laundry needs done, dishes need done, the kitchen needs to be picked up, everything is a mess. The only thing going right is Amazon fresh, I'm making half assed dinners and microwave breakfasts. Victoria needs her meds taken over so now I'm dishing her meds out too. We thought pdocs was going to hospitalize her but he didn't. So I'm getting a monthly med container for her because I can't open the child safe bottles. She's taking a break from school. We want her to volunteer somewhere until she's comfortable getting a job. Which in her current thoughts are never. She's worried about the pressure of making money, funding things she doesn't believe in through taxes, working the rest of her life and not being able to enjoy life. We really screwed her up being poor. Hopefully it's less intense by this time next month but it generally takes 6 weeks for meds to fully kick in. Maintenance comes Thursday so we have to get our act together.

The kids are tiring h out but it's good. He's having a small reaction to the pollen there. Tomorrow he plans to clean up a bit more. Things are going as good as possible there. No hope of him coming back early. He still has a donut on the car. Hopefully he can get that fixed this weekend.

One more week until I'm home alone overnight. We can't find the mail key either so that's an issue. We still haven't figured out how to sign the new lease without h here. I'm bummed about no Christmas this year because of this trip but it really was needed. No one seems to understand that. I want to be honest but it's not my place. The people who need to know what really is going on know so I guess that's all we can ask. Everyone else is acting like we're doing a huge sacrifice for something small but it's not. No one listens.

I gave in and scheduled ECT for tomorrow. I was thinking about it and with thanksgiving and CR’s birthday coming up I just think it would be better if I can maybe feel better quicker. Last time it took about four days so hopefully it’ll be that way again. I know I might still be not feeling well for CR’s birthday arcade trip but I can fake it pretty well. Lots of experience in that area.

I made it a half day at work then went home “sick”. And now I’ll have to be off tomorrow but at least I’ll have a note for that. I should take Friday off too as I don’t feel myself the day after treatment but I think that’s too much. I’ll just have to power through.

I really should have stayed at work because now I’m flooded with self harm and SI thoughts but I wasn’t doing well so whatever. At least I ate today. Not great food but yesterday I barely ate anything. So again, what the **** ever, really.

I just wish I could get through life like a normal person. This illness sucks. Every time I think I’m ahead it all falls apart. I’m sad.

They're not letting me reschedule the interview. I missed a bunch more phone calls, and I can't bring myself to call anyone back. I think I'll just stay here until my lease runs out, then I'll go live with family. Unless some drastic changes, and I feel like living by then and can stay out of bed for more than three hours a day. Family wouldn't be so bad. Only thing is they have a lot of cats and I'm really touchy around animals right now, especially sick ones and two of them have cancer.

I applied for a job at a primary school next year. It will be a massive jump from high school but I am really not happy at my current school at all. My responses to the key selection criteria are very high school based though so we will see …

I did a little better today as i got dressed and went for a walk and ate some veggies. My dog's not eating tho, so that's a worry. It took four hours to get to sleep as i went early, so i'm staying up as late as i can tonight.

I have a consultation set up on Wednesday morning with the surgeon. They had an opening tommorow but its the day of the wake. I've been doing ok today I guess. I've been in pain but its been managed. I took a couple hours nap from 2-4 and I felt better. I mean, I'm pretty worried but I have the appointment set up so I just need to try to relax

Found out today that Fwb tested positive for Covid this morning. (Was negative yesterday morning.) I saw him Friday so I’m praying he wasn’t contagious and that if he was that my newest Covid vaccine that I got 2 1/2 weeks ago works. I don’t want to miss Thanksgiving because of Covid.

Police doing aren't anything because my memory is messed and I can't remember things so they don't trust my word and there were multiple people there and they're blaming each other. Uh...go with the one i say is a bad guy, maybe don't go with the guy protecting me?

THis isn't going to help me out mental health wise.

edit: I'm a mess and can't write lol

I am feeling a little embarrassed, because I just found out that the complaint I made to the company a few days ago, well, it's the wrong company.

I was contacted by them last night requesting a telephone conversation about my experience. Turns out that the name of the company that contacted me, and the name of the company I wanted to complain about are extremely Similar, with just one word difference

Why do they have to be so awkward.. just change the name.

I’m
Having surgery in 4 days. It’s an overnight hospital
Stay. Feeling nervous!

So my gp has me on antibiotics. We still don’t know what’s causing this diahorrea. Don’t have the test results from Tuesday which will hopefully come in today until then it’s a hit and miss. He asked when last I had lithium bloods. It was 2 months ago so he just said okay. It’s worse first thing in the morning then it settles down. He’s given me a certificate for work for today which I’ll gladly take!

Lithium gave me
Chronic diarrhea

A few people on my bipolar page are saying the same thing!

I wonder if that was my issue. And all those tests and the colonoscopy was unecessary and people just needed to take a look at my med list and check the side effects. didn't have chronic diarrhea before the lithium and I don't have it now.

Today was a bit tough physically. But after a couple doses of a few OTC meds and my regular meds and 3 episodes of The Villians House, I feel better. Just tired.

Could be. I was constantly sick on lithium
Plus it killed my thyroid.

Had a nice lunch with my sister. She took me out for an early birthday lunch since she’ll be gone by then. She and her hubby go south for the winter.

Then got my hair cut by a new person as my usual hairdresser moved to tx.

Bingo was so so. I must say it was a bust as none of us ( party of seven) won anything. I agreed to try again Saturday but am not sure I much care for bingo. I like the socialization but prefer poker and board games.

Really looking forward to Sunday. My day off, sort of. Monday theirs an inspection so I’ll have to clean. But that won’t take long. Tomorrow I need to get the recycling down though. I usually take it down on Wednesday after they’ve picked it up. Then I know theirs room for it.

I’m taking my nephew to a UK basketball home game tomorrow night. So excited!

Still no symptoms! Laundry tomorrow morning- plus sheets. N 3 doesn’t have to work on Thanksgiving! He can come to my mom’s in the morning. 😁