Bipolar Check-In #77

Beautiful pictures muddy! Gorgeous!

Welcome @nottheworstcook 😊

My day has been good! I hope that will continue. I don't expect a problem free life, but I hope to handle difficulties that may come in my way. I will continue with structured days (activities, healthy food, part time study and so on). I have done almost all the unpacking, so life will hopefully go back to normal. I have stability in my family relations, Christmas in the home of a grown up child, Easter at my place, celebrations of our birthdays and so on ...

The healthy bricks are there as a foundation for a relatively good life.

I have hope!

Am sending good thoughts to all of you!

I’m doing a bit better today. Really intense SH thoughts most of the day but I decided to go to the grocery store after work for some sales so I wouldn’t be home alone for too long. CR was home but it’s hard with him bc I have to hide how I’m feeling. I have to fake being happy and that’s difficult. Anyway I got home ten minutes before RS so I wasn’t alone. Then we went for a short walk and I ate dinner with the family so I’m feeling ok now. Not great but not like I’m going to do something rash. At least for right now. Which is all I can ask for.

I did call the ECT dept and she got me in for tomorrow. I’m glad my mom is retired now, she was available to take me on short notice like that. So hopefully that will pull me out of this quickly. My therapist told me it’s not a failure because I did make it four weeks, and I’m recognizing it early which hasn’t always been the case. I’m being proactive whereas in the past I’ve just tried to slog through until I get so bad I do something dumb and end up IP. I’ve come a long way.

Work went well today especially considering how ridiculously busy it was, it’s only gonna get worse the closer the holiday season gets. I feel like I managed pretty well today though. Now I’m off for the next three days. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow , aside from that I get paid in the morning so I’m gonna order groceries from Walmart since I’m running low on everything.

I’m just relaxing now. I’m always so sore after work. My back, my feet. I need to lose weight , I know it will help with the pain, I’m out of shape from living very sedentary for so many years. Now I’m in a very physically active job.

Anyway, here’s some pics of the cats. Maybelle and Mustachio

Harry Potter themed day and potluck at work was a raving success!!

I swear someone dosed me because I have meth mites or some shyt and I'm really hyped but kinda was ready to punch my mom like five minutes ago. Literally bleeding from the face, hands, and arms rn.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and am full of all sorts of anxiety about it. I haven't been taking my meds right (self-medicating with seroquel and starting to wean myself off loxapine) and have some suicidal thoughts, and last time it was like this she had me involuntarily committed, so I'm afraid to open up to her about how I've been feeling. I don't want to go inpatient! I want to stay home! I'm thinking about just canceling the appointment. I feel so bad and guilty! I know it's bad to mess with my meds, but no one is taking my side effects from loxapine seriously! My psychiatrist blew me off. My primary blew me off and told me to talk to my psychiatrist.

My next appointment with him isn't until November 22nd! I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm doing a slow taper off loxapine. Just starting with eliminating my morning dose. My hope is to get down to just taking my night dose and see how I do (I have an afternoon dose as well).

And as far as seroquel goes... it's bad. I'm allotted 100mg a day and sometimes have taken up to 300mg because I just want to sleep. This is embarrassing. I don't want to tell my therapist this!

I have to cancel. I don't want her to throw me inpatient again!

I called the psych clinic today so we'll see what happens there. I ordered Christmas gifts for all the kids now I just have the adults to order for so half my list is done. Everyone got $7-15 gifts. If anyone is looking for cheap gifts for kids look at Kohl's cares. They have $5 books and stuffed animals. Other than that I stayed in bed cuddled with my dog. I think I'm going to have cake. I sent everything to my mom's house so it doesn't get stolen. I wish gas wasn't expensive or I'd visit family. Victoria hasn't told h's parents yet. I think she's waiting until after his birthday but that means we can't go there for his birthday or thanksgiving. I guess it's okay. We moved here to be closer to family but can't afford to visit.

I can't sleep and theres a random song playing on my phone and I just checked the name and its called Melatonin. Lol.

My therapist cancelled completly because she was sick. She was freaking out and kept apologizing and stuff and talked about reschedling maybe on Monday when she figures things out. I can't be mad at her because she is sick and she did seem pretty concerned about me. But I could have really used that session.

I'm still waiting on the Prestiq. My insurance needed the go ahead from my doctor to prescribe more than 100mil. Then he was dumb and wrote it out funny. Then it went through insurance but the pharmacy was backed up and couldn't fill it right away.

So I was just hanging out all day. And none of my meds are working. Even my antacids. I just took another melatonin and it was like a placebo

What is wrong.

@raspberrytorte please try to go. They can't help if you're silent.

I had my ketamine infusion today. It was intense, my thoughts were all over the place, it was very disorganized.

No change in mood or anxiety, but that could change over the next few days.

Had a Zoom-style appointment with the oncologist today, basically to follow up on the test results. It went like I expected. He wants biopsies of the four thyroid nodules, along with me getting the colonoscopy done on Monday. (💩 seems to be appropriate, in more ways than one!)

What I didn't expect was a same day appointment with the endocrinologist. I never get in with specialists same day! Many times I don't get in same month. One time, I didn't get in same year!

Anyhow, they can help test for any issues with my thyroid in addition to getting the biopsies. Blood tests and the like. So, I'm happy with that!

I'm less than thrilled about losing a day of work though. My health will absolutely come first, especially when we're talking about possible cancer, but I need to pay the bills too.

Another week of egg sandwiches, hot dogs and ramen I guess. Could be worse!

I got my Prestiq. And my therapist emailed me back and I set up an appointment for Monday.

Something is wiping me out though. Weird kinda depression though. I had the throwing up out of my nose yesterday and today I fell asleep in the car for 15 minutes. I never fall asleep while riding in cars even when we're on hour long trips.

Idk some weird **** I guess. I see my endocornolgist next Friday..

Edit: I've been napping ever since I wrote this. I hope I'm not getting anything. Falling asleep in the car sounds like a red flag though.

Thought I was going to therapy to finally open up and cry about some trauma stuff and hopefully be validated. T sent me to be checked for scabies instead. Interesting day (I do not have scabies).

You'd think they'd look at someone with a psychotic disorder who was only weeks ago heavily using alcohol, stimulants, and opiates, and is currently taking amantadine, and think there are much more likely possibilities.

And the doc told me "just don't pick at your skin," like, come on, have you never felt like ticks, spiders, bedbugs, all the creepy crawlies were having a fiesta beneath your flesh? Come on, do a little PCP, enjoy the imaginary insects that you swear to God are really there.

@MuddyBoots hot showers help. Rubbing lotion on unopened skin helps.

My Mum is coming to stay next week and I feel incredibly anxious and nervous. I love my Mum, but there is also quite a bit of tension between us, as well as some very tricky unresolved emotional stuff. I do not see my Mum very often. I live in California, she lives in the UK. It's a long flight to get there and over the years I have found it increasingly difficult to travel, let alone get on a plane for 12 hours. My Mum comes over here. But she's 84. And I feel more and more guilty about putting her through that amount of travel, even though it's literally the only way we are able to see each other now.

For an 84 year old, she does really well. But 84 is old in anyone's book and she does have some health issues. The whole situation is becoming more and more of a nightmare for me and I have been sticking my head in the sand for a really long time. But I can feel that we are approaching crisis point.

I moved over here to California in 2001 when I married my husband (who is from here). At first we used to fly back to the UK regularly, but it became more and more difficult for me to make that journey. Lots of reasons. It's way more complicated than just fear of flying. It has a lot to do with my poor mental health. There are some days I literally find it hard to leave my house. Making a journey of the magnitude that is flying to London, and then making another long journey from there to my Mum's house, feels completely and utterly outside the bounds of possibility. I mean, really unimaginable. LIke, even dosed up with Ativan, I don't see how I could make the trip. And it's not just the trip, it's being there. I can't explain it.

My Mum doesn't really understand why I'm like this, and she also doesn't understand mental illness. That is one of the sources of tension between us. I feel there is a part of her that wants to tell me to "pull myself together". She has never said it in a mean way, but she has hinted at it. Of course, I already feel like the worst daughter in the world and carry around a **** ton of guilt on my shoulders. Guilt that comes entirely from me. Obviously I would much rather be the kind of person who is mentally healthy and able to do normal things like fly to visit family. But I'm not that person.

Even when my Mum comes here there is some tension. And I really don't want there to be any tension. I just want us to get along and enjoy this time together. I haven't seen her in over a year (we FaceTime twice a week). This could be the last time I see her since neither of us is getting any younger. I really wish I didn't have these conflicting feelings. It's hard to explain. I really love my Mum. I really appreciate that she is flying out here to visit, again. And I also have these other difficult feelings that I wish I didn't have. Typically, when my Mum is here, I end up needing to go to the ER. It's really weird. I am such a ****ing mess.

I don't want to make this post even longer than it already is. It's just about wanting to get this out. One of the other things I really like about this thread is that people share their stuff and there isn't any advice giving or anything of that nature. But there is support. That's exactly what I'm looking for. I don't need or want advice. I just want to share these difficult feelings with people who won't judge me, or even ask me to explain myself further. There is great value in that. Thank you.

I went to my therapy appointment today. I opened up to her about my seroquel abuse and how frustrated I am with this med because I have a love/hate relationship with it. I don't know what's wrong with me! Who has a seroquel abuse problem? Like no one! My therapist was very nice and recommended things I can do instead of sleeping to deal with my depression.

I'm going to run out of seroquel. I'm only halfway through my bubble pack and already only have three prn seroquels left.

Honestly, what is my ****ing problem!! I'm freaking out about running out of seroquel.

Picked up my hydroxyzine refill today. I can take three per day as needed and for some reason the pharmacy keeps on only giving me sixty tablets! I don't know why.

@nottheworstcook welcome!

I saw my pdoc on Thursday-I felt really good after I left. He showed me all my bloodwork and we made a couple med changes. Since my lithium level was at the very bottom of the range it can be in, and it isn't making much of an impact currently, he upped that to 1200 mg/day. I misunderstood my pdoc two sessions ago and thought he wanted me to stop taking risperidone because I was starting lithium but I was actually supposed to keep taking risperidone so I started that up again too. Since I can be pretty sensitive to meds, he wants me to get my lithium level checked again next week to see if/how the increased dose is impacting things.

We also came up with a game plan for my overnight, out of town work commitment coming up (I told him I'm pretty nervous about what to do if my mood acts up while gone). Outside of being able to call during the day, he made sure I have the after hours number. If I need to use the after hours number and it is the other pdoc who is on duty, he told me to just have her reach out to him and he'd call me since my situation is complicated.

Wow!! What an awesome pdoc! So glad you have this plan in place now!

Mom and I had the best time. It was so lovely getting away from the congested area we live in. The colors were beautiful and it was such a peaceful drive. We had lunch there at the orchard and finished up with the best hot Apple fritters. It gave me a fresh perspective and a boost.

It did, also, wear me out. I don’t accept that it’s necessary to be fatigued and in pain every time I do something. I’m going to step up my fitness and nutrition game.

We are going to the church tomorrow to make bracelets to sell at the bakery and chili fund raiser we are having. The proceeds go to the kids of Uganda. Monday we’re having barbecue and a dance party with a line dance instructor. Fun things at church.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

I’m definitely feeling better after my ECT treatment but not 100%. Still have self harm thoughts percolating and just overall bad attitude. I’d say my depression went from a 10 down to a 7 or 8. I have another treatment scheduled for two weeks just in case. And I can always get in earlier if need be. I don’t want to miss another day of work but if it has to be, it has to be.

I’m a bit more active today, I’m planning on making cookies later. I was going to make pumpkin muffins but I know I won’t eat them all. I need to go for a walk too, it’s gorgeous out. Unseasonably warm, about 80 degrees in the afternoon. Then tomorrow we’re plummeting down to seasonal temps of mid-50s. Enjoy the warmth while I can.

Hoping to stay active today to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I do have a bit more energy. The ECT dr said to call my pdoc. Maybe a med change is in order, but I think I have to give the lexapro a chance to get back in my system. I have 10mg pills too, I was on 10mg for a short while.

Idk. Gonna take it easy and give myself some grace.

Got some bloodwork done this morning. Doc seemed pretty concerned about some symptoms I've been having lately (aside from the almost comical scabies thing). Of course the sunrises so damn late I got to see it and begged my mom to pull over in one of the "we built this new suburb for the rich Massholes who will move here and destroy this region's integrity" neighborhoods for this sunrise:

You see that, they don't even have powerlines! They're underground! Fancy schmancy.

Last night I made poor decisions. Not like pre-most recent IEA poor, but like "went to an AA meeting, ran into someone I knew who invited me to a show last night, went to his house, he drank quite a bit of tequila and smoked a joint (I think he's forced to go to AA), insisted on driving and I let him and yeah I got in the truck because he was being pretty aggressive about driving himself to this show, then at the freakin' show some dude was handing out pills like candy.

I think I'm going to do and go wherever the hell my case manager tells me to go/wherever she can get me in. I'm never turning down a bed again, I'm never hanging out with other people I know drink/use or are in early recovery again, and I'm never going out to any shows where if I use my ******* noggin I'll know there will be a lot of drinking/drugging.

I know someone who has really strictass boundaries that I hate but need right now who will take me in for 1-3 days at a time so I'll try and get in touch with him if my case manager doesn't have a place for me when I talk to her on Monday.

Wow muddy, you take the most beautiful pictures.