Bipolar Check-In #77

I’m sorry to hear about your aunt’s husband and your in person therapy challenges. I’m thinking of you and sending gentle hugs.

Congratulations on your new place and your well-being! I’m so happy for you.

I hope you feel better soon

My anxiety is through the roof today. I know you’ve heard me say this before but I’ll take severe depression over anxiety any day. It’s just vicious.

Mom’s car came back as totaled. She’s very upset. She’s also mad and indignant that sister and I are saying it’s time to quit driving. Still fighting that battle. There is a place in town that gives elderly people driving tests so you have an official opinion about whether they are suitable to drive. A second opinion of sorts. That may be what it takes here.

The Zoloft is making me very sick. I discontinued it and have an appointment Monday for something else.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day

I’m nervous. I have a lunch with one of the woman here. I don’t talk much. And I’m very comfortable with silence but other people aren’t. I hope I can come up with enough to say. She’s very vivacious so maybe she’ll be fine and do all the talking.

Speaking of talking, I’ve been invited to sit with a bunch of people at a table for lunch everyday. Again there’s that problem of not knowing what to talk about. I’m not one for small talk. And I don’t like gossip. Pretty sure this bunch isn’t into Star Trek or sci fi and I don’t think they read much. Mostly play bingo. But it is nice to be asked.

I had my 6th ketamine infusion today (well, my 10th overall, but 6th at this clinic). They didn't change the dose, I'm still close to the max.

It might be starting to work...I feel a little less depressed and a little less anxious. It's a very small change but maybe a preview of things to come.

I am hoping that a few people are going to wake up and smell the coffee.

Today I finally got to make a complaint against my local mental health services, and I hope, it's the start of the end. 3 years I've had shocking treatment, so.. I hope they find me another service

@Sunflower123

I'll take severe depression over anxiety any day too! I feel your pain.

I am moving west, quite a bit far west.

More days of sunlight, slower pace, losing a relationship that was great in ways but our futures don't match up.

Hell... I will take paranoia and psychosis over anxiety!!!!

My aunt called my uncle and said her husband will be taken off life support on Monday. My uncle said things will go fairly quickly after that. I feel awful for my aunt.

I had physical therapy today. I was honest with her and
I told her about my life style changes and that I felt things were going good. She didn't really agree and decided I needed 2 more sessions. Apparently I zig zag when I walk and my posture still sucks. She had me do some excercises in the open gym and I was losing my balance on the excercise ball. She was nice but pretty tough on me and pushed me a lot.

Now I'm at home lying down and I'm down in the dumps but its pretty understandable. Maybe I'll make some soy sauce ramen for dinner.

I am so sorry. I can completely relate to what you say here about severe anxiety being vicious. It is extremely disabling and is without question the most life-limiting condition I have. It prevents me from doing so much. My baseline anxiety is always high and then if something really stressful happens on top of that I become pretty much paralyzed. I'm really sorry you are going through so much stress right now as well as having to deal with your anxiety. Really hope the change of meds will help, but I know switching meds can often be anxiety producing too. Sending you all good thoughts!

Turns out I was nervous over nothing. We have so much in common it’s not funny. Wow. So much in common.

The dinner had a great new sandwich that we both ordered. It was pork tenderloin, bacon, cream cheese and pepper Jack jam. With free French fries. The sandwich was so filling though I didn’t eat many ff.

Then we came back and played games in the community room.

I haven't been on here very much recently. I went home for a long visit and saw just tons of people - good people -that I hadn't in years. A lot of folks who knew before my BP onset in my early 20s and subsequent bouts with addiction.

It was so validating ! Then I came home to a very unsatisfying prolonged job search and got depressed for the last week. I wouldn't leave the house and was feeling very surly. Yuck.

Out of the blue I get an email from a community college here inviting me to a webinar for employment training cert programs. I attended and decided Iam going to build on my career as a massage therapist (I don't practice since Covid) and become a Certified Medical Asst. I think I can get behind this as it is helping people and varied work. I do well in school and by the end of March 24 will be certified. There are tons of jobs and this shouldn't be so challenging for me going forward now.

I had to write tonight because it feels like a ton of bricks has been taken off my shoulders. This aspect of my life was very affected by bp EPISODES and I have some more acceptance work to do around this. I know as a BP I do better in routine and finally I can feel context and calm returning. ! '~)

Thanks ! I made some a few small ones when I first started and they are easier to do. Especially if you buy the kit that has round dots instead of square.

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Loads of hugs Rosi

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Sorry things are hard right now

Remember self care is a must

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Hope it continues to help

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A Facebook memory yesterday from 3 years ago was when I had a TIA . I woke up that morning unable to move or talk. I vaguely remember Steve literally getting me on his back as he dragged me to the car to get to the ER. I was kept for 3 days incase a full stroke was going to happen. Scary times. I came home needing a Walker for almost a week.

I’m still trying to process that I’ll never see Richard again. I really wish we could have had one final session but just not how things worked out.

Steve almost has the engine ready to go back in the big truck !!! I’m so excited that it should be back on the road soon. We do plan to just save every Penny we can for a used car. I refuse to take on a car payment. Used cars have gotten so outrageously expensive. Probably take a year + to really save up.

I’m pleading to the weather gods that we still have lots of Fall still coming. I’m simply not ready for Winter !

Hugs and love friends

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RS and I had a wonderful day yesterday. We lounged in bed until 10:30 and then asked CR what he wanted to do. He hesitantly said he just wanted to “chill”. So we asked him if he would be opposed to us going out without him and he brightened and said no problem, he’d love to just chill at home. So I texted my mom to make sure she’d be available in case of emergency and then RS and I went out to Lancaster to the antique market we missed when he was sick. We had a lovely time. I found three more birds and a framed stained glass owl and RS found an awesome painting of a truck. All for only $100! Sounds like a lot but five items from an antique store is a good deal for that much. Then we had lunch at a great little hole in the wall bbq restaurant. It was delicious. I’m not even a huge bbq fan but it was tasty!

I was kinda bummed that CR didn’t want to do anything but he’s 8 days away from being 13 so the time for independence is now, I guess. He is interested in going to the Christmas light display at the big botanical gardens in PA, so that’s nice. I want to spend all the time I can with him before he becomes a surly adolescent, if he ever does.

Tomorrow is the chili cook off at RS’s parents’ house. I got Ingredients for my turkey chili today. I also bought my thanksgiving turkey. They only had tiny turkey breasts so I got the whole bird. I figured I can freeze the leftover turkey meat and use it in soup later in the winter. I’m going to invite my mom again as long as my grandma is taken care of. I’d invite her too but she’d need to be transported and honestly we only have four seats at the table and not a big enough kitchen to make an extension. I think grandma is going to my aunt’s though so that’ll work out.

RS decided to buy a shed today. He’s always wanted a garage but we’ll never be able to afford to build one so a shed is the next best thing. He found one on sale, now the only thing is to call the township and see what kind of permits we need. It’s expensive but as I said it’ll only get more expensive so if there’s a sale he should jump on it.

Time to take my meds and drift off to slumber land. Big hugs and good vibes to all who are struggling!

I ended up missing an entire week of work being sick and recovering...I was really feeling the pains of knowing so few people in the area because almost passing out at work on Tuesday led to me not being able to drive for a few days. I was able to find people to help me out but it had to be on their timeline (ex: meds getting picked up later than if I could have driven to get them). On Wednesday, I ended up getting IV fluids and that made a world of difference! I was still stuck at home because of being so weak though. I am finally recovering from whatever stomach bug (or food poisoning) I had and now have cold symptoms today though...if I have a cold again (I had one for 2ish weeks before the stomach stuff) I will have spent most of the last month sick which is not like me. I've read in a few places that psych meds can mess with your immune system and this all started after increasing my risperidone by .25 and starting lithium so I'll have to ask my pdoc when I see him next week. I really need to be able to get back to counseling next week though. And, I only have 2.5 days of time off left between now and January so I can't really can't afford to be sick, or to have to go to the doctor, anymore...

I took a 4 hour nap yesterday afternoon. Then I was up for a bit until I went to bed at 9. I was up for an hour or so this morning. I heated up an Amys bean burrito. Then I got back to sleep until 7. I had sent an email to my therapist last night apologizing for lashing out and she sent one back accepting it and explaining some stuff.

I am super achy today from PT. I don't know why I am this sore. I've been doing other stuff too recently so its not like I'm just being a bum in bed all day.

My mom is on the phone with someone. Just more family stuff. Its been stressful these last 24 hours. Maybe my hour long naps these last 2 days are just an escape. Eh its better than binge eating or something.

First day of freedom. Now to cope with the void that the animals were filling. I slept so much last night. I think I got over 12 hours. I'm definitely depressed.

Got my med situation figured out. Since I'm not getting them bubble packed anymore I bought this really nice pill organizer online. Liking my new pharmacy much more so far. They're very efficient. And they're cheaper.

I'm having some problems not having propranolol in my life anymore. My heart literally THUDS in my chest. Don't want to call and beg to be put back on it though because I don't want to try my pdoc's patience even further! He's peeved with me.

Good news is now that I no longer have as much loxapine in my life (down to 50mg from 150mg) I can actually walk without feeling like I'm dying! Yay!

I got groceries today. $150 don't go far hopefully it's enough to last the month. We need to take money out for the bus to get to our appointments. H finally made it back to Florida. He blew a tire on the way there. I'm thinking I won't see him until January earliest. It depends on how fast things go down there. But Drs tend to take time. I'm hoping on things going fast. Everything working out okay but people don't take things seriously. I have to really get organized. I don't want anyone to think we can't take care of things but it's been hard and it's only been a couple of days.